FUCK YOU!!!!!!
If you take offense to the title, then you're probably imagining things. If you're on my friend's list you should have nothing to worry about. But you know what they say, "Those who know don't need to be told, and those who don't know seldom listen."
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What I've been up to the last month: Working out, eating healthy, studying skin and beauty products, playing XBOX 360 ( getting bored of it now as I am with everything), riding the asses of 'professionals' and their 'lengthy processes', researching anything and everything about sums it up. Trying to keep my head above the water.... you know what.. Here's a fucking rant:
I'm pissed. I can't do anything! I can't even work out without invoking week long periods of pain! Why me?! Why, ALWAYS, FUCKING, ME?! Why not 'that deserving bitch', or someone who deserves misery, who doesn't know how to appreciate their health, their parents, their friends, or anything. I've had my fair share of misery, God dammit!
Knee injury from snowboarding started acting up again. All because I went to the Light House Mall and walked around for a few hours. IT always does this.. How THA FUCK am I supposed to work?! I twisted it when my board landed one way and I landed another when I was 17. We had no insurance so I didn't go to the Dr. It hurt for a long while, went away. Now if I walk for more than 2 hours I'll aggravate it and it'll swell up and hurt insanely for about two weeks. Been this way for 2 years now, on and off. As long as I don't aggravate it, it's not so bad. Right now, it's swelling up to the size of a plum... BEHIND the knee.. And it makes swishy cracky noises when I walk on it. But I gotta walk, shit's gotta get done. No point in going to the Dr anyways.. they'll just find some stupid way to kill me like they did both my parents.
I also seem to have wrist issues(From breaking boards in taekwondo -old untreated injuries coming back to haunt me), but those pains are mild and I'd take them any day over my back and knee issues.
Back issue: Fell out of a tree when I was 12, about 3/4ths of a story high, jumped off, slipped (wet out due to rain) and landed on a protruding root right on my tail bone. Never told my dad about it because I wasn't where I was supposed to be. I just kept going to taekwondo and the pain went away a month later. It returned at age 18 keeping me from standing for too long of periods, and it's been progressively getting worse. It effects my whole left leg, which just so happens to be the same leg with the knee I fucked up.. So when they both start hurting I just want to kill something...
I was on a 6 month waiting list at Saint Agony's at the Open Door Clinic in late '07 to finally get it checked out, but after being 'accepted' they denied me and closed down. Then my dad became terminally ill that same month and my pain was nothing... Now it's stopping me from working and it's royally pissing me off above all else. Social security isn't going to exist in the future, even if I could draw off the money my parents made. It's damn near impossible for cancer patients to be accepted, much less a 21 year old punk like myself. I'm supposed to be 21! I'm supposed to feel like 21! I'm supposed to be able to go to concerts, play dodge ball, and not be constantly reminded of my mortality. As if the images I've endured through experience haven't been enough!!!! Why am I in the aging body of a 50 + year old?! This 'vehicle' of mine is USELESS!! I don't know why I keep it around...
Oh yeah, and I'm also very angry and bitter because someone 'above' just likes to take a shit, shit-shit-shit, on me all the time. I can't COUNT the number of people who have been trying to fuck me over since my father's death. Like I'm some stupid 21 year old! I have bitter wisdom, so their pungent bullshitting isn't working on me. I'm getting dumb fucks -fired! Going on number 3 ( I have my sights on you, bitch)!! But then again it's most likely, they were 'fired', because anyone who is anywhere has a filthy little secret that keeps them there.
Oh yeah, did I mention I have this ANNOYING insomnia. Insomnia isn't my problem, it's everything else that's making the insomnia an issue!
I don't feel like drawing anymore, I don't feel like playing table top role playing games anymore, I don't feel like playing video games or anything geeky that I once loved anymore, I don't feel like smiling, I don't feel like making friends, I'm tired of expending the energy it takes to make someone feel better, I'm not happy and I don't care if I ever feel happy again.. I'm tired of everyone (saver the few that are loyal and caring to me) I'm tired of ignorant humanity, I hate my fucking species... No -look at me- you do not understand hate until you have hated your own kind- people make me SICK. They -always- have.
There are people FAR worse off than I am. But there are many who aren't, so from the bottom of the totem pole and the bottom of my still beating heart, OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES you're not going to live forever, quit killing everything around you. Useless mindless globs of flesh!
I don't complain. You might think otherwise after reading this, because I feel this way all the time, for nearly a decade now. On the outside I'm always happy and encouraging, with sageful advice.. and die if you don't believe me, a slow painful, silent death. Those who have met me can vouch for me. ---And I see all these USELESS whiny bastards complaining about the most feeble shit every day... Will this world just end alread