(no subject)
Have you ever thought that maybe there is only a certain amount of suffering and pain in the world, an amount that hasn't changed since the beginning of time? It never goes away, really, just moves around, person to person.
If you are sick, or unhappy, at least you know that you're taking it off somebody else's shoulders for a while.
Directing is stressing me out. It's great, too, but I can't believe how much time I spend every day planning for rehearsals and organizing and everything else. Hours. And then there's the whole pressure thing. I also can't believe our 200 person membership, or however big we are, actually believed that I was qualified to do this. Seriously. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, I'm just faking along; I fooled you all! I just hope I can keep it up for a couple more months. I wonder if the students studying directing in COM know what they are getting into. Maybe instead of classes, they should do this. I'm sure there is a lot to be learned in those classes, obviously, but how better to learn than by stumbling through it, really?
An OT from the Army came to give a presentation at Sargent. I went because I was curious, but it turned out to be more of a "recruiting" event, and I'm not about to sign away 3 years of my life. But as Jane was saying, It's nice to be recruited sometimes.
I miss Ted almost all the time. It's hard to explain to people what my thought process was. I say, "I broke up with my boyfriend." And they say, "Oh? You dumped him? Then what are you upset about!" and then what am I going to say. It isn't really anyone else's business anyway.
Well. Obviously it needed to be done. It's been on my mind for ages. Honestly, I think ever since he went away to China and I basically couldn't function on my own, I knew this was going in a bad direction. I'm glad I finally listened. If you have nagging feeling that won't go away, that means something. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away. But knowing that this was necessary hasn't been very comforting. It's still such a change. Two years later I'm suddenly single again, and okay, I want to be! But how do I do that? I don't remember.
Ted used to say that when he met me I was the most independent person he knew, and I took that as the highest compliment. Well, I want that girl back. But how do I not kiss you when I see you? How do I not call you when I can't sleep and my mind won't stop. Just don't? Have a little self-control? Yes, I know. I'll get there.
Well. This is an experiment in self-divulgence. I don't know if anybody still reads this, or care. Writing here is like singing into a pillow anyway. But I have an explosion of words that won't be ordered, and this lame thing is the best I've got right now.