(no subject)
I've come to realize recently the extent to which I'm unsatisfied with my life. It's not pretty.
There are so many things I need to change so I can just be happy from time to time. I know it's impossible to be happy 24/7, but I'd kind of like a little bit of happiness in my life.
It's scary to think how many things, even people, I'll have to lose in order to make this happen. I've realized that the people I thought were trying to better me, the people I thought made me happy, are actually making me worse. The ones who make me laugh when I'm down, are doing it by making fun of me. Sure, they may not realize what they're doing, but the little pokes that are supposed to be funny, aren't.
I'm sick of it. And I don't know how I'm going to do this.
Maybe once I graduate, and get a job, and hopefully move out this will be easier. It'll give me a reason not to hang around. I have to work. Or, the rent is due soon, I can't do anything. Or, I'm just too worn out from everything.
If I tried that last one, I'd just get a slap in the face because no one really sees everything I do. I waste all my effort trying to convince myself every morning to get out of bed. That maybe today will be the day that everything gets better. But it never does. And it would be so easy to not get out of bed, or to just fucking kill myself. But I don't.
Because I don't want to let people down.
I do this to myself so I can be better than my family.
Achieve more than them.
Go farther than them. And actually get something out of life.
If I were to off myself, I'd lose. And I don't lose. Ever.
I just wish someone could say one thing that would make me feel better about anything. I don't want to rely on other people anymore, but maybe I just need a few fucking words of encouragement now and again. Not just get the fuck over it, or it's nothing to worry about, or you'll be fine.
I've heard that enough. It didn't help before. And it sure as hell isn't helping now.
Hopefully I'll be going to Boston for about a week next month. Maybe distancing myself away from everyone will give me enough time to clear my head and figure out what I need to do for me. Not for anyone else. Just me.
Someone told me today that I shouldn't waste money leaving the state when I could just not hang out with anyone for a few days. Yeah fucking right. Because staying at home in a house full of people I despise is really going to help me.
I just wish I knew what to do right now.
There are so many things I need to change so I can just be happy from time to time. I know it's impossible to be happy 24/7, but I'd kind of like a little bit of happiness in my life.
It's scary to think how many things, even people, I'll have to lose in order to make this happen. I've realized that the people I thought were trying to better me, the people I thought made me happy, are actually making me worse. The ones who make me laugh when I'm down, are doing it by making fun of me. Sure, they may not realize what they're doing, but the little pokes that are supposed to be funny, aren't.
I'm sick of it. And I don't know how I'm going to do this.
Maybe once I graduate, and get a job, and hopefully move out this will be easier. It'll give me a reason not to hang around. I have to work. Or, the rent is due soon, I can't do anything. Or, I'm just too worn out from everything.
If I tried that last one, I'd just get a slap in the face because no one really sees everything I do. I waste all my effort trying to convince myself every morning to get out of bed. That maybe today will be the day that everything gets better. But it never does. And it would be so easy to not get out of bed, or to just fucking kill myself. But I don't.
Because I don't want to let people down.
I do this to myself so I can be better than my family.
Achieve more than them.
Go farther than them. And actually get something out of life.
If I were to off myself, I'd lose. And I don't lose. Ever.
I just wish someone could say one thing that would make me feel better about anything. I don't want to rely on other people anymore, but maybe I just need a few fucking words of encouragement now and again. Not just get the fuck over it, or it's nothing to worry about, or you'll be fine.
I've heard that enough. It didn't help before. And it sure as hell isn't helping now.
Hopefully I'll be going to Boston for about a week next month. Maybe distancing myself away from everyone will give me enough time to clear my head and figure out what I need to do for me. Not for anyone else. Just me.
Someone told me today that I shouldn't waste money leaving the state when I could just not hang out with anyone for a few days. Yeah fucking right. Because staying at home in a house full of people I despise is really going to help me.
I just wish I knew what to do right now.