(no subject)
You know, its kindof hard to pull yourself up sometimes, especially when the one hold you have on sanity isn't one you control.
Amen.
~~~~~
Well, idk why I've kept this; I'm pretty sure Andrea is the only one who checks it anyways, but this is just to sort out my thoughts in a vague semiarticulate sort of way.
I'm really trying to reign myself in from analyzing everything so it'll probably seem like a checklist more than anything, but whatever. I have to know where I'm starting from before I can do anything else.
~~~~~
It feels like someone has come and pressed reset on the game of my life, and I'm starting from scratch. I'm not feeling particularly bad right now which is new for me lately, but thats probably just because I'm not feeling much of anything right now.
So Christa and I broke up a couple weeks ago, and idiot that I am, my subconcious keeps kicking me in the ass with vague dreams about her every time I think I'm over it. Whatever, its better for her this way.
Richard and my mom are getting divorced, and you'd think this would be a good thing for me.
No.
Now all I ever hear out of them is complaints about each other, about the bankruptcy, about me, and its kindof stressful not to have a home to go to where you can at least have silence.
Also, my mom just kicked Richard out of their room, so I no longer have a bedroom.
My car is all but totalled, and I didn't even do anything to it. I took good care of it, everyone can vouch for that, but it didn't pass emissions and when I took it in for that fix the guy, and this was a guy who makes money overcharging people for frivolous car repairs mind you, practically begged me not to fix it there was so much wrong with it. Basically if I kept driving it, or just let it sit for that matter, it'd explode, or the breaks would go out, etc.
So this sets my dad on a manic phase, calling me three times a day, buying shitty car after shitty car(okay, only two) for a coupld hunder dollars, that don't work, after me telling him countless times to stop. Basically I made him take them back.
Then I thought we had something figured out that would work; he was going to take a loan, and I was going to pay it off, and get a good car. But he jewed me out on that one too.
I don't get it, I WANT to pay for a car, but I can't take a loan on my own, and I need the car to get to work so I can like, save up for a car. Crap. For now I'm stuck with an old van we dug up.
So since Christa and I broke up all I hear is my two best guy friends ranting about their girlfriends, or their answering machings when I actually want to talk. Great. And all I hear out of the person who was pretty much the most supportive and didn't blow me off over the last month is "Christa this, Christa that~", and here Christa won't even make eye contact with me. I really don't feel comfortable calling her if shes all wierd about it, but I thought it was a pretty tame breakup. Just didn't think I'd have to lose friendships over it. Feels like the only reason some people want to hang out with me is because their first choices are on vacation.
So um, everyone knows music keeps me going, and I finally found a band, and we we're kicking ass etc...
Well. They kicked me out today.
They already have another guitarist.
Am I that bad? or am I that much of an asshole?
I can't even talk about it.
I went to the chiropracter for the first time last week and I've got mild carpal tunnel. This means that eventually I have the potential to never play flute, piano, or guitar again.
I feel like I'm grasping at straws trying to hold on to something, anything that might be a positive in my life and its all turning to water and slipping through my fingers. My grades are slipping, and I'm losing sleep, and I don't feel that there is any place for me to go.
I can only do so much on my own, and it seems like it won't ever be enough.
Amen.
~~~~~
Well, idk why I've kept this; I'm pretty sure Andrea is the only one who checks it anyways, but this is just to sort out my thoughts in a vague semiarticulate sort of way.
I'm really trying to reign myself in from analyzing everything so it'll probably seem like a checklist more than anything, but whatever. I have to know where I'm starting from before I can do anything else.
~~~~~
It feels like someone has come and pressed reset on the game of my life, and I'm starting from scratch. I'm not feeling particularly bad right now which is new for me lately, but thats probably just because I'm not feeling much of anything right now.
So Christa and I broke up a couple weeks ago, and idiot that I am, my subconcious keeps kicking me in the ass with vague dreams about her every time I think I'm over it. Whatever, its better for her this way.
Richard and my mom are getting divorced, and you'd think this would be a good thing for me.
No.
Now all I ever hear out of them is complaints about each other, about the bankruptcy, about me, and its kindof stressful not to have a home to go to where you can at least have silence.
Also, my mom just kicked Richard out of their room, so I no longer have a bedroom.
My car is all but totalled, and I didn't even do anything to it. I took good care of it, everyone can vouch for that, but it didn't pass emissions and when I took it in for that fix the guy, and this was a guy who makes money overcharging people for frivolous car repairs mind you, practically begged me not to fix it there was so much wrong with it. Basically if I kept driving it, or just let it sit for that matter, it'd explode, or the breaks would go out, etc.
So this sets my dad on a manic phase, calling me three times a day, buying shitty car after shitty car(okay, only two) for a coupld hunder dollars, that don't work, after me telling him countless times to stop. Basically I made him take them back.
Then I thought we had something figured out that would work; he was going to take a loan, and I was going to pay it off, and get a good car. But he jewed me out on that one too.
I don't get it, I WANT to pay for a car, but I can't take a loan on my own, and I need the car to get to work so I can like, save up for a car. Crap. For now I'm stuck with an old van we dug up.
So since Christa and I broke up all I hear is my two best guy friends ranting about their girlfriends, or their answering machings when I actually want to talk. Great. And all I hear out of the person who was pretty much the most supportive and didn't blow me off over the last month is "Christa this, Christa that~", and here Christa won't even make eye contact with me. I really don't feel comfortable calling her if shes all wierd about it, but I thought it was a pretty tame breakup. Just didn't think I'd have to lose friendships over it. Feels like the only reason some people want to hang out with me is because their first choices are on vacation.
So um, everyone knows music keeps me going, and I finally found a band, and we we're kicking ass etc...
Well. They kicked me out today.
They already have another guitarist.
Am I that bad? or am I that much of an asshole?
I can't even talk about it.
I went to the chiropracter for the first time last week and I've got mild carpal tunnel. This means that eventually I have the potential to never play flute, piano, or guitar again.
I feel like I'm grasping at straws trying to hold on to something, anything that might be a positive in my life and its all turning to water and slipping through my fingers. My grades are slipping, and I'm losing sleep, and I don't feel that there is any place for me to go.
I can only do so much on my own, and it seems like it won't ever be enough.