Goddamnit.
Goddamnit, fuck me. I hate it when I get like this. Today sucks. Why? No reason. I'm just in a pissy mood and its making every little thing grate on my paranoid nerves and im twitchy in a bad way, and feeling pushed away and lonely even though there is ABOSOLUTELY NO REASON FOR ME TO! I feel myself getting jealous, vindictive, petty, pissed off, hopeless over every little act. I see a two second exchange between people, my mind connects things that make no sense and have little to do with whats going on AND AREN'T HAPPENING that are detrimental to me so I get introspective and hostile. What the hell. Is it too much to ask to be happy for once? Constantly? For more than 3 days at a time? I should still feel like I did the last few days, I was happier than ever! What the hell is wrong with me. You know, this is what pushes people away from me, but admitting that pushes them further away so I never wanted to. I hate this! It makes me feel like I should just quit out of my band, stop looking for a job, push Christa away from me and lie in a corner for 80 years until I die.
You know what its not nothing either. I know why I feel so fucking hopeless. Its because I'm sick of not quite fitting in. I'm not pushed away or outcast, at all, in no way, I just don't ~quite~ fit in with anyone; it bothers me that Christa and Will and everyone always talk about stuff I don't know or usually care about, but thats nothing anyone is doing, it just is. Its because I don't have a goddamn home. Half the time my mom is on the verge of tears about things, and half the time shes pissed at Richard and taking it out on me. Richard is pretty much self explanitory, and if you haven't gotten that he pretty much single handedly ruined my early childhood then you're deaf cause I'm a whiny little asshole about that. This house is full of broken useless things, we dont have the money to fix or replace any of it. I don't know what I want to do with my life.
I can't do anything with my life that I want to do. I'm so sick of "we can't afford this"! Do you realize how many things I've missed out on doing with my friends over the years becasue of that? Do you realize I never even saw my mom when I was a child for any large period of time until I was 7 because she worked so much and I was basically raised as a baby by my bitchy cousin?
You know I'm finally in a band, the only thing I've ever wanted, but MONEY IS BECOMING A PROBLEM THERE TOO because I can't do anything without equipment can I? I can't go anywhere and I get jealous when I hear about people doing stuff and I shouldnt! It makes me fell like an asshole, which is alright because at least its accurate. I always hear about people I don't know getting cars, ipods, laptops from their parents for no reason, or that they wont use, or for stuff most of my friends do anyways without incentive and that pisses me off to when we can't even get by but ingrateful rapper assholes get spinners and bling. Fucking yuppie America.
The goddamn lawyer fucked up again and now:
1.) The bankruptcy is screwed up again for the THIRD TIME!
2.) My mom and Richard getting a divorce, really far away from happening. You know I really want them to get divorced so you might say that I should be affected by this, but its still agoddamn divorce. They pick fights all the time and nothing gets done around here and I'm caught in the middle more often then not and Richard already takes shit out on me anyways. Plus if they get divorced either 1.) We'll be stuck in this house bcause the bankruptcy wont let us sell it, and we wont be able to afford it and we'll be even worse of then we are now, or 2.) We sell the house, but the bankruptcy is still on and we live in a shithole apartment for 5 years.
And chances are college is going to ruin my life too. Fucking, if I go anywhere decent I'll be screwed becasue I am forced to pay 100% for myself for college and after next year for everything that I do and have. I had a college fund once. 100% my own money since my family is cheap. But my 'rents needed to move a few too many times and I have nothing saved.
God theres so much more, but no one's reading this far anyways and writing to myself is pointless.
You know what, fuck it.
Fuck everything right now.
You know what its not nothing either. I know why I feel so fucking hopeless. Its because I'm sick of not quite fitting in. I'm not pushed away or outcast, at all, in no way, I just don't ~quite~ fit in with anyone; it bothers me that Christa and Will and everyone always talk about stuff I don't know or usually care about, but thats nothing anyone is doing, it just is. Its because I don't have a goddamn home. Half the time my mom is on the verge of tears about things, and half the time shes pissed at Richard and taking it out on me. Richard is pretty much self explanitory, and if you haven't gotten that he pretty much single handedly ruined my early childhood then you're deaf cause I'm a whiny little asshole about that. This house is full of broken useless things, we dont have the money to fix or replace any of it. I don't know what I want to do with my life.
I can't do anything with my life that I want to do. I'm so sick of "we can't afford this"! Do you realize how many things I've missed out on doing with my friends over the years becasue of that? Do you realize I never even saw my mom when I was a child for any large period of time until I was 7 because she worked so much and I was basically raised as a baby by my bitchy cousin?
You know I'm finally in a band, the only thing I've ever wanted, but MONEY IS BECOMING A PROBLEM THERE TOO because I can't do anything without equipment can I? I can't go anywhere and I get jealous when I hear about people doing stuff and I shouldnt! It makes me fell like an asshole, which is alright because at least its accurate. I always hear about people I don't know getting cars, ipods, laptops from their parents for no reason, or that they wont use, or for stuff most of my friends do anyways without incentive and that pisses me off to when we can't even get by but ingrateful rapper assholes get spinners and bling. Fucking yuppie America.
The goddamn lawyer fucked up again and now:
1.) The bankruptcy is screwed up again for the THIRD TIME!
2.) My mom and Richard getting a divorce, really far away from happening. You know I really want them to get divorced so you might say that I should be affected by this, but its still agoddamn divorce. They pick fights all the time and nothing gets done around here and I'm caught in the middle more often then not and Richard already takes shit out on me anyways. Plus if they get divorced either 1.) We'll be stuck in this house bcause the bankruptcy wont let us sell it, and we wont be able to afford it and we'll be even worse of then we are now, or 2.) We sell the house, but the bankruptcy is still on and we live in a shithole apartment for 5 years.
And chances are college is going to ruin my life too. Fucking, if I go anywhere decent I'll be screwed becasue I am forced to pay 100% for myself for college and after next year for everything that I do and have. I had a college fund once. 100% my own money since my family is cheap. But my 'rents needed to move a few too many times and I have nothing saved.
God theres so much more, but no one's reading this far anyways and writing to myself is pointless.
You know what, fuck it.
Fuck everything right now.