(no subject)
it has been two months since i found out that we lost the baby. i only had the chance to be aware of my pregnancy for two months. sixty days then and sixty days now are so unbelievably different, it's hard to believe that they actually had something in common.
those first two months, everything was about the baby, and the new changes it would bring. changes with my body, my future, my marriage. literally every aspect of my life was revolved around this little creature. every second of every day was spent with the knowledge that i was carrying my first child. it was so new and different and nerve racking and beyond exciting. it was everything.
and now.
everything is still about the baby.
but this everything is about how i lost my baby. how i cannot escape it. how i try so fucking hard to push forward, but it takes the smallest thing to bring me right back to that day. no matter what i do, it's there. it's always there. everywhere i look, there is something about a pregnancy or a baby. every time i watch something or read something. every time i leave my house. there is always someone reminding me of what i no longer have. i try to just stay to myself sometimes. if i just lay here and turn off my mind for a minute, it's supposed to stop. but i can't turn off my mind. it's a constant flow of thoughts and dreams that weigh me down. and i can't just leave my body. the one that allowed this to happen. i will never be able to get away from this.
i cry all throughout the day. i try to keep it small and quiet and quick. it's only at night that i allow myself to let everything go. i lay there, begging my heart to stop this. i feel the tears coming, and i just keeping saying no, no, no. not now. eric can always sense it and will try to hold me, but that only makes it worse. i tell myself that it's ok to cry, just for a minute. just let it out. but it gets so much bigger than i expect. a few tears instantly turn into these gut wrenching sobs. i have to leave the room because it's not fair for eric to have to see me do this again. i lay on the couch and scream into the pillow. the emotional pain becomes beyond physical. the ache in my heart is so real. my entire body moves with each sob. it feels like my soul is trying to escape. everything hurts.
i keep disappearing from eric. i can see his mouth moving, i understand that he's telling me something, but my mind is a million miles away. it doesn't register. he thinks that he notices; he'll reach over and grab my hand and tell me that it's ok. but he has no idea that it is a constant battle for me to stay present. i try so hard to laugh and smile and appear interested in whatever is going on, but i can never get it to last. i look away for a fraction of a second and i'm gone. i don't want to be gone anymore.
those first two months, everything was about the baby, and the new changes it would bring. changes with my body, my future, my marriage. literally every aspect of my life was revolved around this little creature. every second of every day was spent with the knowledge that i was carrying my first child. it was so new and different and nerve racking and beyond exciting. it was everything.
and now.
everything is still about the baby.
but this everything is about how i lost my baby. how i cannot escape it. how i try so fucking hard to push forward, but it takes the smallest thing to bring me right back to that day. no matter what i do, it's there. it's always there. everywhere i look, there is something about a pregnancy or a baby. every time i watch something or read something. every time i leave my house. there is always someone reminding me of what i no longer have. i try to just stay to myself sometimes. if i just lay here and turn off my mind for a minute, it's supposed to stop. but i can't turn off my mind. it's a constant flow of thoughts and dreams that weigh me down. and i can't just leave my body. the one that allowed this to happen. i will never be able to get away from this.
i cry all throughout the day. i try to keep it small and quiet and quick. it's only at night that i allow myself to let everything go. i lay there, begging my heart to stop this. i feel the tears coming, and i just keeping saying no, no, no. not now. eric can always sense it and will try to hold me, but that only makes it worse. i tell myself that it's ok to cry, just for a minute. just let it out. but it gets so much bigger than i expect. a few tears instantly turn into these gut wrenching sobs. i have to leave the room because it's not fair for eric to have to see me do this again. i lay on the couch and scream into the pillow. the emotional pain becomes beyond physical. the ache in my heart is so real. my entire body moves with each sob. it feels like my soul is trying to escape. everything hurts.
i keep disappearing from eric. i can see his mouth moving, i understand that he's telling me something, but my mind is a million miles away. it doesn't register. he thinks that he notices; he'll reach over and grab my hand and tell me that it's ok. but he has no idea that it is a constant battle for me to stay present. i try so hard to laugh and smile and appear interested in whatever is going on, but i can never get it to last. i look away for a fraction of a second and i'm gone. i don't want to be gone anymore.