..and then He said "just let go."
i was discussing with my mom and uncle about the renovations i wanted done in my apartment. we discussed measurements and construction and labor costs. sometime after all that talk and calculating, i stood on my balcony and started to look in retrospect.
wow. time flies. and it flew past me.
by most adults' standards, 26 is very young. and i agree. but in my perspective and considering the plans i had for my life, 26 is a state of panic for me--because i'm just not exactly where i wanted to be. 14 years ago i knew i'd be a corporate lawyer by now. that is why i took up international law in college, majoring in spanish because i knew i'd be a traveller. but reality called and reminded me that i'm here, at this point in my life, and working in the industry that i'm in--not exactly doing a 9 to 5-er, yet my days are filled and tiring. still in manila when, back then, i was sure i'd have ended up somewhere in europe by now.
but you know what? you will find no dissatisfaction here.
i remember how feisty i used to be. i;m not saying i'm hot stuff, but i did have my share of heart-breaking. i remember feeling invincible, taking on dares and being headstrong--you know how highschool makes you fearless (and stupid) that way. i remember being eager to step up and demand my rights, making sure no one stepped on me on their way up, or tore me down on my ascent. i remember always speaking up for the underdog and fighting other people's battles cuz it gave me such a rush helping others. and often times, even though the primary intent was pure, i was young, and later on the little glories got to my head and turned me into the very people i detested and fought against.
naturally an over-achiever because i was addicted to the feeling of triumph, i was into everything: several varsities, student council, debate team, did extreme sports and had tons of extra-curriculars, rolled around in the social circuits that mattered, dated the guys that i felt were good enough to waste my days with and moved on when i got bored.
and these days? well...these days i've mellowed out.
being a self-confessed control freak, the unthinkable happened: i lost control.
all the things i could ever brag about became trivial and mundane, i lost the glamourous things that used to surround me, the fancy social crowd i was surrounded by, relationships were broken and lost. i was grasping at straws and couldn't keep my fingers tight enough. i tried my best to hang on to what was familiar, what was easy--and ultimately, what was worldly. but there was no way around it. it was, intrinsically, inevitable.
basically, God put His hand over my eyes and then He said, "just let go."
the opportunities i thought were as good as mine went to others. and i didn't quite get all the dream gigs i wanted. but surprisingly, i wasn't as upset or bitter about it as i thought i'd be. it was as if i was shrugging my shoulders and saying "oh well that's that." and you know, it feels fine.
pardon me if i seem ambiguous. what i'm trying to say is that, by covering my eyes, God actually opened them to the things that matter more. i no longer feel pressured to spread myself thin and go to great lengths just to get what i want in terms of work. i mean, i'm still very goal-oriented and driven. but the difference is, i'm more conscious of wether where i am and what i'm doing is what God would want for me.
i don't feel jealous or uneasy or bitter that some have better work opportunity over me because all that only matters HERE on EARTH. and what i'm aiming for is something ETERNAL. while others cost themselves an arm and a leg to mutilate themselves in attempts of being a cookie-cutter celebrity lookalike, i'm working on beautifying myself on the inside. inner victories are succeeded by outward triumphs. what's on the inside will later manifest and be evident on the outside. don't get me wrong, it's NOWHERE CLOSE TO EASY. but that's expected. it's never easy because we're human. but you know, when i feel that difficulty, that's when i'm most excited and joyous. why? because in my weak human moments lie the perfect time for God's strength to be perfected.
in frustrating moments where i would usually interject smartass remarks that might cause others to feel small or stupid, i just bite my tongue (sometimes literally!) and smile it off. i sigh and say a quick prayer so that my heart may be guarded against negative emotion and feelings. even though it's difficult, i forgive quickly and forgive genuinely (practice makes perfect and if you keep practicing forgiveness, you'll find it gets a bit easier the next time around). these are the things that make my life easier.
if you judge my life from the standards i had put on myself 14 years ago, it would look like i failed. but i no longer live by the world's standards--and neither should you. we are part of a greater scheme of things--and more tiresome and grueling race. but if we keep our eyes focused on the prize, we'll find that we can run and not grow weary, we can keep walking and not grow faint.
it's ironic and paradoxic, but if you want to get your life in order and under control, the best thing you can do is lift it all up to God, AND JUST LET GO.
wow. time flies. and it flew past me.
by most adults' standards, 26 is very young. and i agree. but in my perspective and considering the plans i had for my life, 26 is a state of panic for me--because i'm just not exactly where i wanted to be. 14 years ago i knew i'd be a corporate lawyer by now. that is why i took up international law in college, majoring in spanish because i knew i'd be a traveller. but reality called and reminded me that i'm here, at this point in my life, and working in the industry that i'm in--not exactly doing a 9 to 5-er, yet my days are filled and tiring. still in manila when, back then, i was sure i'd have ended up somewhere in europe by now.
but you know what? you will find no dissatisfaction here.
i remember how feisty i used to be. i;m not saying i'm hot stuff, but i did have my share of heart-breaking. i remember feeling invincible, taking on dares and being headstrong--you know how highschool makes you fearless (and stupid) that way. i remember being eager to step up and demand my rights, making sure no one stepped on me on their way up, or tore me down on my ascent. i remember always speaking up for the underdog and fighting other people's battles cuz it gave me such a rush helping others. and often times, even though the primary intent was pure, i was young, and later on the little glories got to my head and turned me into the very people i detested and fought against.
naturally an over-achiever because i was addicted to the feeling of triumph, i was into everything: several varsities, student council, debate team, did extreme sports and had tons of extra-curriculars, rolled around in the social circuits that mattered, dated the guys that i felt were good enough to waste my days with and moved on when i got bored.
and these days? well...these days i've mellowed out.
being a self-confessed control freak, the unthinkable happened: i lost control.
all the things i could ever brag about became trivial and mundane, i lost the glamourous things that used to surround me, the fancy social crowd i was surrounded by, relationships were broken and lost. i was grasping at straws and couldn't keep my fingers tight enough. i tried my best to hang on to what was familiar, what was easy--and ultimately, what was worldly. but there was no way around it. it was, intrinsically, inevitable.
basically, God put His hand over my eyes and then He said, "just let go."
the opportunities i thought were as good as mine went to others. and i didn't quite get all the dream gigs i wanted. but surprisingly, i wasn't as upset or bitter about it as i thought i'd be. it was as if i was shrugging my shoulders and saying "oh well that's that." and you know, it feels fine.
pardon me if i seem ambiguous. what i'm trying to say is that, by covering my eyes, God actually opened them to the things that matter more. i no longer feel pressured to spread myself thin and go to great lengths just to get what i want in terms of work. i mean, i'm still very goal-oriented and driven. but the difference is, i'm more conscious of wether where i am and what i'm doing is what God would want for me.
i don't feel jealous or uneasy or bitter that some have better work opportunity over me because all that only matters HERE on EARTH. and what i'm aiming for is something ETERNAL. while others cost themselves an arm and a leg to mutilate themselves in attempts of being a cookie-cutter celebrity lookalike, i'm working on beautifying myself on the inside. inner victories are succeeded by outward triumphs. what's on the inside will later manifest and be evident on the outside. don't get me wrong, it's NOWHERE CLOSE TO EASY. but that's expected. it's never easy because we're human. but you know, when i feel that difficulty, that's when i'm most excited and joyous. why? because in my weak human moments lie the perfect time for God's strength to be perfected.
in frustrating moments where i would usually interject smartass remarks that might cause others to feel small or stupid, i just bite my tongue (sometimes literally!) and smile it off. i sigh and say a quick prayer so that my heart may be guarded against negative emotion and feelings. even though it's difficult, i forgive quickly and forgive genuinely (practice makes perfect and if you keep practicing forgiveness, you'll find it gets a bit easier the next time around). these are the things that make my life easier.
if you judge my life from the standards i had put on myself 14 years ago, it would look like i failed. but i no longer live by the world's standards--and neither should you. we are part of a greater scheme of things--and more tiresome and grueling race. but if we keep our eyes focused on the prize, we'll find that we can run and not grow weary, we can keep walking and not grow faint.
it's ironic and paradoxic, but if you want to get your life in order and under control, the best thing you can do is lift it all up to God, AND JUST LET GO.