two years;
Yesterday was the two year mark of my aunt's suicide, and I couldn't even be with Ryan because he is in rehab. It's so strange to think back a couple of years ago because I can certainly say I didn't think I would be where I am now, or anyone else for that matter. I didn't see Ryan's problem coming to what it has inevitably unfolded in to, for one thing. I don't think anyone could have forseen the tragedy his mother's death brought on.
He called me last Thursday, and we talked for 10 minutes, and he told me the most disturbing thing I have ever heard:
"I've been talking to the therapist they are making me see, and we are finally getting somewhere. She asked me why I started using drugs and how often, so I had to tell her about my dad. I had to tell her how he used to say to me 'Your mother would still be here if you boys hadn't called defax.' Then I would go up to my room and escape, and I have been in an alternate world as much as possible for two years. It's just easier not to feel."
I cried, and he told me not to, but I did anyway. You can't hear something like that, previously completely unknown to you, and not feel some sort of emotion. First I felt entirely despondent because I can in no way fathom the thought of my mother or father saying something along the lines of "we would still be together if it weren't for your actions." My heart hurts just thinking about it. Then I felt this rush of exasperation because no one should have the right to make someone feel that worthless and upset. No one. The terrible thing, though, is that everyone holds the power, and power in the wrong hands only leads to disaster. He's been through more calamities than I can count; it just doesn't seem fair. Then again, what is fair?
I'm diligently working on the homecoming dance proposal for Mr. Crerie, and I definitely have a shot at making this happen. It's too exciting for words! The first homecoming dance in years...
The first week of school ended on a good note: muffins in stat class. This is the first math I don't completely loathe, and my grade should reflect that.
I guess things can only go up from here.
He called me last Thursday, and we talked for 10 minutes, and he told me the most disturbing thing I have ever heard:
"I've been talking to the therapist they are making me see, and we are finally getting somewhere. She asked me why I started using drugs and how often, so I had to tell her about my dad. I had to tell her how he used to say to me 'Your mother would still be here if you boys hadn't called defax.' Then I would go up to my room and escape, and I have been in an alternate world as much as possible for two years. It's just easier not to feel."
I cried, and he told me not to, but I did anyway. You can't hear something like that, previously completely unknown to you, and not feel some sort of emotion. First I felt entirely despondent because I can in no way fathom the thought of my mother or father saying something along the lines of "we would still be together if it weren't for your actions." My heart hurts just thinking about it. Then I felt this rush of exasperation because no one should have the right to make someone feel that worthless and upset. No one. The terrible thing, though, is that everyone holds the power, and power in the wrong hands only leads to disaster. He's been through more calamities than I can count; it just doesn't seem fair. Then again, what is fair?
I'm diligently working on the homecoming dance proposal for Mr. Crerie, and I definitely have a shot at making this happen. It's too exciting for words! The first homecoming dance in years...
The first week of school ended on a good note: muffins in stat class. This is the first math I don't completely loathe, and my grade should reflect that.
I guess things can only go up from here.