two days in a row, holy shit...
i must be sick, i went on livejournal for two days in a row for the first time in like 3 months. i realized that on the days that arthur has college, i go online a lot more. there really isnt much to do here besides that, so why not i guess. i would prolly go on here a lot more, if i could think of things ti write about. usually if i can think of sumthing, i am too busy, i forget, or its just too damn long to type and i say fuck it. i like to type tho, when im in the right nood, i could type all day, if i had things to say. my life has been pretty good these last few months. hectic as hell sumtimes, but i think its worth it. like last night, arthur and i argued about the fact that i dont have a job yet. he's upset that he has to pay for EVERYTHING that we do cuz i never have any money, and why shouldnt he be? i would get mad too. i know he can't always afford to do the things he wants to do cuz he has to pay for himself and me, and i hate that. i feel terrible, he shouldnt have to spend his hard earned money on me, he should be able to go out and spned it on whatever he wants, like rims for his car, or a new videocard or sumthing like that. and i should pay for sum of the things we do too, it's only fair. but the thing is, i don't have a job, so i can't. but that is my fault, i don't try really hard to get a job. i did go and fill out a few apps, but that's it. a lot of the places i applied at i figured i wouldnt get it anyways. but the thing is, i am too scared to get a job. i like the way things are right now in the sense that i get to see arthur a lot, almost every day. i know that when i get a job, all that will change. i will be at my job a lot, prolly working a lot of hours. and arthur has college, so i wont get to see him most likely on those days. depending on what job i would get, i highly doubt i would get to see arthur even half as much as i do now. a lot of people might not see why this would affect me so much, but i can't stand being away from him, i hate it. i'm not saying that i have to be by his side at all times, i'm just saying that i don't think that i could take not seeing him very well. i could barely stand it when he went to college last semester cuz i didnt get to see him for a day or two in a row. ask him, i cried my ass off. i hated being like that, i knew how it made him feel and i didn't feel good when i did it, i felt sick. this semester is kinda the same thing, except that i see him basically every day. if he has college, i go to his house after school or he comes here, so it's not so bad. i havent cried once this semester and that's why, i see him so there is really no reason to cry. when i get a job tho, like i said won't see him very often. he nakes my day, i swear. i get up in the morning thinking about what i'm going to be doing with him later on that day. if i don't see him that day, the whole day is slow, boring, and kinda sad. i feel so horrible for thinking like this, cuz it's very self centered of me. i'm only thinking of how having a job affects me, i don't think of how happy arthur would be to not have to pay for everything. god damn it...why do i have to be so scared? i just love him too much. i see how liz and kyle are, liz sees him from like 8:30 til 10:00 on weekdays, and she don't see him on sundays. i would hate that. that's not a lot of timw together. i know this isn't going to last forever, actually it's prolly gonna end really soon, i can't let it go on like this. we've argued about this many times and i can;t stand to have him so mad at me. and i know he's mad, he says he's not, but i know he is, i can tell. like i said, he has a right to be. i just dont want him to think that im just being lazy, im not. im just being a coward. shit, id rather be lazy. i dont know what im going to do, but whatever it is, it has to be soon. i know arthur, and he wont be with a freeloader that just sits there and lives off of his money. i would NEVER do that, that is lazy, but im sure thats how im coming off right now. but im not, im just scared...