(no subject)
I've built a nesting barrel in the back garden for Shai that needs only to be dipped in gold to be more luxurious. I also had to clear out a corner of the living room to build an interior perch. Not a cage - a perch, complete with a sandpan at the base. The need for the perch was impressed upon me after a long and involved argument concerning rain, predators, and the current number of Black's dog beds that are scattered throughout The House, with vague mutterings of ill-omens thrown into the conversation, courtesy of Zepporah. (Some Americans have such odd notions.)
So far, Kate hasn't managed to touch a mouse corpse long enough to feed him, much less kill it herself. Merlin, I hate to think of what she'd do if she were required to prepare potions ingredients. Fortunately the forest isn't so very far away that he can't hunt for himself, but there will be times when it becomes necessary to hand-feed him. He's not my bird. In order to establish a bond between herself and her familiar, she has to let him eat from her hand.
I've been talking to Kate about her post, and her mood of the last week. There are things she left out of her post; she was trying to say what she needed to say, but couldn't express, while simultaneously trying not to say too much. I'll make the effort to do so for her, instead.
She's been casting back, lately, to things that happened months ago, reading through past journal entries such as this one, thinking of the things I showed her in the Pensieve, and considering her own place in this cobbled-together family. Much has changed, and she's been too busy living within those changes to have the time and space to step outside it all, and consider it objectively. She likens it to being on a tilt-a-whirl for too long, and not being able to walk straight after finally being allowed off the ride.
For a very long time, Kate was Draco's friend, and shared grand adventures with him. Then Kate became Draco's lover, and everything Draco told her then was the complete opposite of what he tells her now. How was she to know which was the truth until someone showed her? Draco hasn't really taken the time to talk to her about these changes, he's just talked at her, and so she hasn't been able to adjust accordingly.
It doesn't help her state of mind that, even though Draco was more than willing to dump her like a hot coal when Harry beckoned, he still so strongly protested the relationship that she found with me. He's accused her of many ugly things: using me to take revenge on him, of being too shallow and immature to do anything but leave me ignominiously, he's claimed that his pride was hurt when it seemed she was dismissing his performance in bed as lacking, even though he has made it quite plain that no matter what he once shared with her, she could never be more satisfying than Harry. He vowed to try to overcome his prejudice against our relationship... and has failed to do so. More, it has further widened the rift between them with every angry word and hurtful accusation that they've exchanged.
It's possible that Draco might have responded much the same to any other woman who took Kate's position in my life. I'm his dad, and presumably at his beck-and-call, while a woman cannot help but interfere in that. But perhaps he wouldn't have minded at all, beyond his usual warnings to all females that I'm a cad and a git; he may have been simply grateful that there was someone around to take my attention off of him. The fact that his "new stepmother" is his own ex-lover, someone who should have gracefully faded into the background, makes his probable reactions to another woman entirely moot.
The relationship between myself and Kate took her by surprise - it was supposed to be a passing affair, a fling with an older man who happened to intrigue her. As such, no one would have been hurt, and hurting someone had never been her intention. In all this thinking, she's been forced to acknowledge that this is not an affair. It's impossible to not compare the relationship between Harry and Draco, between Kate and Draco, and between Kate and myself, and to not see the parallels and glaring differences. If Draco has renewed his grand passion with Harry, Kate has found one with me. The comparison is a major part of her readjustment - if what Draco feels for Harry is akin to what she feels for me, and what's more, he also feels the same sense of rightness, then it must be right. Like most people, it's easier for her to understand another person's position when she compares it with her own.
She recognizes that she and Draco were never in love, as they each supposed themselves to be. Of course, understanding this brings its own set of other adjustments. Why did she feel the need to lie to herself? Why did Draco feel the need to lie to her about loving her, about wanting to stay with her? He certainly didn't need to - she would have been there for him, regardless, if only as a friend. And if he himself didn't realize he was lying to her - which one of them was the bigger fool?
It doesn't really matter that I, among others, was actively involved from the start in undermining what relationship she had with Draco. The fact is that even without my efforts, and without the efforts of their combined flists, Draco and Harry would have gravitated back to each other eventually. It's the nature of their relationship. What matters is that there never has been room for Kate in Draco's real world, and she didn't see it until recently... until too late.
Feeling that one of her best friends used her and then threw her away, when it wasn't even necessary, is a bitter potion to swallow. Feeling that one of her best friends would rather she just go away for good now that he's done with her, no matter how "gracious" he's been about putting up with her continued presence, is a poison.
She's resentful. Everything negative she knew about Harry was something that Draco planted in her mind - he was the reason she disliked Harry. Why should she apologize for believing him? What has she done, other than be a concerned friend, especially when the only reward she's had for it was to be left twisting in the wind? The only thing that Kate is really guilty of is not living up to Draco's expectations of her - to believe him when he needed her, and to go away when he was done with her.
She's also resentful because she has developed a rage against being used and thrown away. Other men, selfish men, have done the same thing to her. It's the sort of thing that wears away at a woman's freshness, her vitality in love, and it leaves an indelible mark on her spirit.
If this situation didn't exist, Kate could be carefree. She's more than content to be with me. It's required an adjustment, but it's worth it to her. She'd be happy with just me, Severus, and not even for any nefarious purposes. She's in love with me. She's prejudiced against using that word - I understand this perfectly, as I am, as well. I don't mind that she's not able to just say it. Perhaps one day she will, perhaps she never will, and it won't matter, because I don't need to hear it to know it.
But she is connected to Draco and Harry and Cass, because I can't leave them, and she can't leave me. And yet, she's not connected, because they don't really want her to be there. It's an uncomfortable web to be caught in.
If I could, I'd make this situation stop. I don't like it any more than she does. I'd like to be able to take her with me to see Cass. I'd like to be able to invite the boys out for her birthday dinner, or even to The House for a casual visit, and know that they'll accept. I'd like to be able to sit down for dinner and be comfortable with the conversation, and not worry that my usual bickering with Kate will "offend" my son, or that the conversation will devolve to an unadmitted contest between Draco and Kate as to which one of them is happier away from the other. I'd like to not have to juggle time spent with Kate and time spent with the rest of my family. I'd like to be able to give her my family as well as everything else I have. I would like to be able to give back to Kate her friend. And the fact that I can't do any of this is infuriating beyond bearing.
If it were someone else making my bird so miserable, I'd cut them out of her life for good. I'd make sure that the person responsible was never able to come near her again, and I wouldn't use a lawyer to do it. I would find or create a very permanent solution to the source of the problem.
But I'm the crux of this situation, at least as it applies to Kate, and I can't leave her any more than she can leave me, for the exact same reason.
Kate's upstairs right now, sleeping, just as I should be. I'll go upstairs myself, as soon as I put out this last cigarette.
So far, Kate hasn't managed to touch a mouse corpse long enough to feed him, much less kill it herself. Merlin, I hate to think of what she'd do if she were required to prepare potions ingredients. Fortunately the forest isn't so very far away that he can't hunt for himself, but there will be times when it becomes necessary to hand-feed him. He's not my bird. In order to establish a bond between herself and her familiar, she has to let him eat from her hand.
I've been talking to Kate about her post, and her mood of the last week. There are things she left out of her post; she was trying to say what she needed to say, but couldn't express, while simultaneously trying not to say too much. I'll make the effort to do so for her, instead.
She's been casting back, lately, to things that happened months ago, reading through past journal entries such as this one, thinking of the things I showed her in the Pensieve, and considering her own place in this cobbled-together family. Much has changed, and she's been too busy living within those changes to have the time and space to step outside it all, and consider it objectively. She likens it to being on a tilt-a-whirl for too long, and not being able to walk straight after finally being allowed off the ride.
For a very long time, Kate was Draco's friend, and shared grand adventures with him. Then Kate became Draco's lover, and everything Draco told her then was the complete opposite of what he tells her now. How was she to know which was the truth until someone showed her? Draco hasn't really taken the time to talk to her about these changes, he's just talked at her, and so she hasn't been able to adjust accordingly.
It doesn't help her state of mind that, even though Draco was more than willing to dump her like a hot coal when Harry beckoned, he still so strongly protested the relationship that she found with me. He's accused her of many ugly things: using me to take revenge on him, of being too shallow and immature to do anything but leave me ignominiously, he's claimed that his pride was hurt when it seemed she was dismissing his performance in bed as lacking, even though he has made it quite plain that no matter what he once shared with her, she could never be more satisfying than Harry. He vowed to try to overcome his prejudice against our relationship... and has failed to do so. More, it has further widened the rift between them with every angry word and hurtful accusation that they've exchanged.
It's possible that Draco might have responded much the same to any other woman who took Kate's position in my life. I'm his dad, and presumably at his beck-and-call, while a woman cannot help but interfere in that. But perhaps he wouldn't have minded at all, beyond his usual warnings to all females that I'm a cad and a git; he may have been simply grateful that there was someone around to take my attention off of him. The fact that his "new stepmother" is his own ex-lover, someone who should have gracefully faded into the background, makes his probable reactions to another woman entirely moot.
The relationship between myself and Kate took her by surprise - it was supposed to be a passing affair, a fling with an older man who happened to intrigue her. As such, no one would have been hurt, and hurting someone had never been her intention. In all this thinking, she's been forced to acknowledge that this is not an affair. It's impossible to not compare the relationship between Harry and Draco, between Kate and Draco, and between Kate and myself, and to not see the parallels and glaring differences. If Draco has renewed his grand passion with Harry, Kate has found one with me. The comparison is a major part of her readjustment - if what Draco feels for Harry is akin to what she feels for me, and what's more, he also feels the same sense of rightness, then it must be right. Like most people, it's easier for her to understand another person's position when she compares it with her own.
She recognizes that she and Draco were never in love, as they each supposed themselves to be. Of course, understanding this brings its own set of other adjustments. Why did she feel the need to lie to herself? Why did Draco feel the need to lie to her about loving her, about wanting to stay with her? He certainly didn't need to - she would have been there for him, regardless, if only as a friend. And if he himself didn't realize he was lying to her - which one of them was the bigger fool?
It doesn't really matter that I, among others, was actively involved from the start in undermining what relationship she had with Draco. The fact is that even without my efforts, and without the efforts of their combined flists, Draco and Harry would have gravitated back to each other eventually. It's the nature of their relationship. What matters is that there never has been room for Kate in Draco's real world, and she didn't see it until recently... until too late.
Feeling that one of her best friends used her and then threw her away, when it wasn't even necessary, is a bitter potion to swallow. Feeling that one of her best friends would rather she just go away for good now that he's done with her, no matter how "gracious" he's been about putting up with her continued presence, is a poison.
She's resentful. Everything negative she knew about Harry was something that Draco planted in her mind - he was the reason she disliked Harry. Why should she apologize for believing him? What has she done, other than be a concerned friend, especially when the only reward she's had for it was to be left twisting in the wind? The only thing that Kate is really guilty of is not living up to Draco's expectations of her - to believe him when he needed her, and to go away when he was done with her.
She's also resentful because she has developed a rage against being used and thrown away. Other men, selfish men, have done the same thing to her. It's the sort of thing that wears away at a woman's freshness, her vitality in love, and it leaves an indelible mark on her spirit.
If this situation didn't exist, Kate could be carefree. She's more than content to be with me. It's required an adjustment, but it's worth it to her. She'd be happy with just me, Severus, and not even for any nefarious purposes. She's in love with me. She's prejudiced against using that word - I understand this perfectly, as I am, as well. I don't mind that she's not able to just say it. Perhaps one day she will, perhaps she never will, and it won't matter, because I don't need to hear it to know it.
But she is connected to Draco and Harry and Cass, because I can't leave them, and she can't leave me. And yet, she's not connected, because they don't really want her to be there. It's an uncomfortable web to be caught in.
If I could, I'd make this situation stop. I don't like it any more than she does. I'd like to be able to take her with me to see Cass. I'd like to be able to invite the boys out for her birthday dinner, or even to The House for a casual visit, and know that they'll accept. I'd like to be able to sit down for dinner and be comfortable with the conversation, and not worry that my usual bickering with Kate will "offend" my son, or that the conversation will devolve to an unadmitted contest between Draco and Kate as to which one of them is happier away from the other. I'd like to not have to juggle time spent with Kate and time spent with the rest of my family. I'd like to be able to give her my family as well as everything else I have. I would like to be able to give back to Kate her friend. And the fact that I can't do any of this is infuriating beyond bearing.
If it were someone else making my bird so miserable, I'd cut them out of her life for good. I'd make sure that the person responsible was never able to come near her again, and I wouldn't use a lawyer to do it. I would find or create a very permanent solution to the source of the problem.
But I'm the crux of this situation, at least as it applies to Kate, and I can't leave her any more than she can leave me, for the exact same reason.
Kate's upstairs right now, sleeping, just as I should be. I'll go upstairs myself, as soon as I put out this last cigarette.