To copy Dawn; 2010
2010 was one of the hardest years I have ever been through.
-I lost one of my best friends to an unforgivable betrayal. When Carl asks me how I can work through forgiving him and still love him and want to be with him, but I can't forgive Kerin or still see or speak to her, the answer to me is simple. He felt bad. He told me what happened. He couldn't look me in the eyes and lie. She could. She didn't care. She didn't feel bad.
-Thought daily about killing myself for most of the spring and summer.
-Got severe, life threatening pnumonia due to a bacteria called Leggonaire's Disease from the apartment I moved into in the spring. Almost definitely would've died if my doctor hadn't sent me to the ICU, after a different hospital's Urgent Care ward had sent me home saying I only had walking pnumonia. It was so bad that the x-rays at Urgent Care showed my liver looking strange because my oxygen saturation level was so low my organs were starting to fail. They still released me though. Spent two days at ICU, two months recovering after being released.
-Kept smoking.
-Got attacked by one of my best friends' crazy boyfriend. They're still together. Barely see her anymore because he's pretty much living there, and he refuses to apologize to me because he says it was my fault.
-Learned that management in a corporate environment is one of the most soul-sucking jobs ever. I would rather work graveyard freight for the rest of my life than ever go into corporate management again.
-+ Went to therapy, which helped me stop self-injuring and get past some of my suicidal thoughts. Quit going when, after two months of therapy, the counselor still asked me everytime if I felt like still seeing her. It's therapy, not a date for fuck's sake.
+Got back together with Carl. Had an awesome, amazing, lovely 4 months with him.
+Quit smoking.
+Had Thanksgiving with Carl's amazing family.
+Started going to therapy with my mom, started talking to her for the first time in a year. Spent Christmas with my family, which was mostly good.
-Started smoking again when Carl freaked out after 4 months and pretty much broke up with me again.
+Made two new awesome friends. One of them is moving in with me in a month.
+Decided I'm stepping down from management to be a cashier again. Best work decision I've ever made.
+I am working on forgiving Kerin. Not for her sake, for mine. It is not healthy to carry that much pain and hatred around with me. Even saying her name without flinching is a victory for me; for the majority of the year after April I felt sick to my stomach at the mention of her name.
The best thing about 2010? That it's over now, and I will never have to go through that year ever, ever again.
Carl and I are kind of talking now. He wants to go into therapy before we try seeing each other again. It's painful and frustrating, but I'm proud of him for seeing that he does need to work through the things that have happened to him, and for actually contacting people to see if there are openings for him to begin therapy. I love him very much with all my heart, and I truly believe he and I are meant to be together. Niether of us can go even a week without talking to each other. Doesn't the fact that we can't bear to be without contact mean that there is hope for us as a couple? That's what I think anyway.
So yeah. That's it. Long as it is, doubt many people will read the whole thing, but that's the nice thing about LiveJournal - hardly anyone reads what I write here, so it's kind of like a journal. I don't have to worry about being judged for what I write. Of course, if anyone does actually read the whole thing, feel free to comment or whatever, and thanks for reading!
Happy Fucking New Year!!!!
-I lost one of my best friends to an unforgivable betrayal. When Carl asks me how I can work through forgiving him and still love him and want to be with him, but I can't forgive Kerin or still see or speak to her, the answer to me is simple. He felt bad. He told me what happened. He couldn't look me in the eyes and lie. She could. She didn't care. She didn't feel bad.
-Thought daily about killing myself for most of the spring and summer.
-Got severe, life threatening pnumonia due to a bacteria called Leggonaire's Disease from the apartment I moved into in the spring. Almost definitely would've died if my doctor hadn't sent me to the ICU, after a different hospital's Urgent Care ward had sent me home saying I only had walking pnumonia. It was so bad that the x-rays at Urgent Care showed my liver looking strange because my oxygen saturation level was so low my organs were starting to fail. They still released me though. Spent two days at ICU, two months recovering after being released.
-Kept smoking.
-Got attacked by one of my best friends' crazy boyfriend. They're still together. Barely see her anymore because he's pretty much living there, and he refuses to apologize to me because he says it was my fault.
-Learned that management in a corporate environment is one of the most soul-sucking jobs ever. I would rather work graveyard freight for the rest of my life than ever go into corporate management again.
-+ Went to therapy, which helped me stop self-injuring and get past some of my suicidal thoughts. Quit going when, after two months of therapy, the counselor still asked me everytime if I felt like still seeing her. It's therapy, not a date for fuck's sake.
+Got back together with Carl. Had an awesome, amazing, lovely 4 months with him.
+Quit smoking.
+Had Thanksgiving with Carl's amazing family.
+Started going to therapy with my mom, started talking to her for the first time in a year. Spent Christmas with my family, which was mostly good.
-Started smoking again when Carl freaked out after 4 months and pretty much broke up with me again.
+Made two new awesome friends. One of them is moving in with me in a month.
+Decided I'm stepping down from management to be a cashier again. Best work decision I've ever made.
+I am working on forgiving Kerin. Not for her sake, for mine. It is not healthy to carry that much pain and hatred around with me. Even saying her name without flinching is a victory for me; for the majority of the year after April I felt sick to my stomach at the mention of her name.
The best thing about 2010? That it's over now, and I will never have to go through that year ever, ever again.
Carl and I are kind of talking now. He wants to go into therapy before we try seeing each other again. It's painful and frustrating, but I'm proud of him for seeing that he does need to work through the things that have happened to him, and for actually contacting people to see if there are openings for him to begin therapy. I love him very much with all my heart, and I truly believe he and I are meant to be together. Niether of us can go even a week without talking to each other. Doesn't the fact that we can't bear to be without contact mean that there is hope for us as a couple? That's what I think anyway.
So yeah. That's it. Long as it is, doubt many people will read the whole thing, but that's the nice thing about LiveJournal - hardly anyone reads what I write here, so it's kind of like a journal. I don't have to worry about being judged for what I write. Of course, if anyone does actually read the whole thing, feel free to comment or whatever, and thanks for reading!
Happy Fucking New Year!!!!