Sucks
Everything. Just. Fucking. SUCKS.
I don't know what to fucking think anymore. The people I respected most in the world admit that they were gonna ... hell I don't even know what to call it ... who the fuck would even THINK of doing that to a friend? At least, that's what I thought we were. And how can they help me on one hand and think like that on the other? I am so fucking confused and I don't want to talk to them and it sucks 'cause I realize there's not one freaking fucking person I can talk to around here. They either think they know the person I am, or --thanks to that STUPID party and some LOUD-MOUTHED Psych majors who can't keep their mouths shut--think that I'm stupid, and I'm NOT. I am so SICK of people thinking that. And I mean, who the hell else is there to talk to? Sure as hell not Yanagi-senpai or Mura-buchou. Can't talk to Niou 'cause he'd either laugh or run right back to them--probably both.
I really respected them. For years. Yanagi said some shit like "Oh, well, yeah we thought of IT but only for a moment but you were drunk." Huh? LIke that's SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER? Like I'm supposed to be so freaking impressed because the fact I was drunk stopped them? You know, if they'd been drinking and thought that shit, I could almost--almost--understand 'cause people do and think stupid stuff when they're drunk. But they weren't. Yanagi says, "Oh, you're just like my kid brother." Really, Yanagi-senpai? Would you take your kid brother into the back room and jack him off to teach him the "ways of the world"? Yeah. Thought not.
Then Mura-buchou says, "Oh, Akaya, we weren't planning on having SEX with you. Besides, you were drunk." Same fucking thing. Same lame ass reasoning. And, oh, yeah? Well get your story straight with your buddy, 'cause that's not what he told me. I ... really ... can't believe he'd do that. My heart hurts.
Everything they've ever done for me is colored with a different light now, and I don't know what to think. And this sounds dumb, and I don't know how to explain it right, but ... it'd almost be better if they wanted to take advantage of me because they ... I dunno ... liked me? Wanted me? But, oh, no. They were sacrificing themselves so little Akaya wouldn't be so freaking, fucking STUPID and NAIVE--like that's a bad thing. Guess what? Id rather be like that than the kind of person who'd betray the trust of someone who ... hell ... who loved them.
Maybe if I was a bigger person I'd just shake it off and get on with my life, but I can't. I can't trust anyone anymore.
I really, really, REALLY did not need this shit what with Nakagimi's suicide being so fresh in my mind. Fuck. Maybe I'll just drop out. I hate this place. I hate them. I hate myself. Fuck.
I don't know what to fucking think anymore. The people I respected most in the world admit that they were gonna ... hell I don't even know what to call it ... who the fuck would even THINK of doing that to a friend? At least, that's what I thought we were. And how can they help me on one hand and think like that on the other? I am so fucking confused and I don't want to talk to them and it sucks 'cause I realize there's not one freaking fucking person I can talk to around here. They either think they know the person I am, or --thanks to that STUPID party and some LOUD-MOUTHED Psych majors who can't keep their mouths shut--think that I'm stupid, and I'm NOT. I am so SICK of people thinking that. And I mean, who the hell else is there to talk to? Sure as hell not Yanagi-senpai or Mura-buchou. Can't talk to Niou 'cause he'd either laugh or run right back to them--probably both.
I really respected them. For years. Yanagi said some shit like "Oh, well, yeah we thought of IT but only for a moment but you were drunk." Huh? LIke that's SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER? Like I'm supposed to be so freaking impressed because the fact I was drunk stopped them? You know, if they'd been drinking and thought that shit, I could almost--almost--understand 'cause people do and think stupid stuff when they're drunk. But they weren't. Yanagi says, "Oh, you're just like my kid brother." Really, Yanagi-senpai? Would you take your kid brother into the back room and jack him off to teach him the "ways of the world"? Yeah. Thought not.
Then Mura-buchou says, "Oh, Akaya, we weren't planning on having SEX with you. Besides, you were drunk." Same fucking thing. Same lame ass reasoning. And, oh, yeah? Well get your story straight with your buddy, 'cause that's not what he told me. I ... really ... can't believe he'd do that. My heart hurts.
Everything they've ever done for me is colored with a different light now, and I don't know what to think. And this sounds dumb, and I don't know how to explain it right, but ... it'd almost be better if they wanted to take advantage of me because they ... I dunno ... liked me? Wanted me? But, oh, no. They were sacrificing themselves so little Akaya wouldn't be so freaking, fucking STUPID and NAIVE--like that's a bad thing. Guess what? Id rather be like that than the kind of person who'd betray the trust of someone who ... hell ... who loved them.
Maybe if I was a bigger person I'd just shake it off and get on with my life, but I can't. I can't trust anyone anymore.
I really, really, REALLY did not need this shit what with Nakagimi's suicide being so fresh in my mind. Fuck. Maybe I'll just drop out. I hate this place. I hate them. I hate myself. Fuck.