Gains and Losses- Chapter 6: "Broken" (Havoc)
This is the sixth chapter of the arc called "Gains and Losses". It is Havoc-centric. It is set in the mangaverse, so if you don't know what happens to Havoc around Chapter 38, then read it before you start this fic.
Title: Broken
Author: SeaweedOtter
Beta: The AWESOME havocmangawip
Characters: Mostly Jean Havoc, but the most of the rest of the gang appears.
Rating: G- PG
Disclaimer: Manga Spoilers... Set in the manga, a couple years after the end of chapter 38. Maybe AU?
Summary: It can take the reopening of a wound to make it heal properly.
Read all the chapters so far HERE!
Shock couldn't begin to describe the look on Havoc's face when he turned around and saw Maria Ross standing there.
Ross smiled, blushing slightly and flashing a sweet smile as she looked down at Havoc. "Yes. I am going to be your trainer. While I was in Xing, I learned a lot about their medicine. When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a nurse, but I was squeamish around blood. Obviously that wouldn't work. But the Xingian doctors don't work with blood. They use natural techniques, and I have seen it work wonders."
Havoc sighed softly and then said, "There is no wonder miracle for me, Ross." He looked down at his legs sadly, and then glanced sideways over to his chair, a couple of feet away. "The doctors, they can help me stand, but I will never walk, and I will never feel anything again below here." He made a slashing motion against his gut for emphasis.
Her smile faded slightly, and she kneeled down, almost eye to eye with him as she said, "Well, that may be, but that doesn't mean that I can’t try to make your life a little better. I have a program that the Xing doctors helped me design. It combines physical therapy for upper body strength, which you have already been doing, combined with a technique called acupuncture that helps with blood flow, muscles, and nerve function. There is also a regimen of exercises that help the balance of both your body and your mind. It is called yoga."
He cocked his head, raising an eyebrow as he replied, "Sounds kinda... weird to me. Master Xao mostly worked with me physically, although he had some weird herbs he used. A lot of them smelled kinda funny, but they felt nice. The guy would wear me out. I would be in there so long sometimes we would miss lunch." He patted his stomach. "And I don't like to miss any meals." He flashed her a goofy grin.
She smiled back, feeling a little better and relaxing a bit when she saw just a tiny bit of the old Havoc that she had known what seemed like forever ago. "I don’t plan on making you miss any meals, Jean. I don’t think the sessions are going to be that long, since we will be meeting every day at first." She stood back up, reaching for a bag that he hadn't even noticed that she had beside her. "I am going to prescribe some exercises that you are going to need to do every day. But I think Master Xao had you do that as well, didn't he?"
"Um... yeah... right." Havoc nodded dumbly. He was still having trouble wrapping his head around the concept that Maria Ross was here, standing right in front of him. And when the hell had she gotten so pretty?
Maria grinned and blushed at the hard stare that Havoc was giving her. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts, and praying that she hadn't figured out why his eyes had been boring right through her. "Oh, I am sorry. I didn't mean to stare," he stammered. "It is just... well... it's good to see you again, Ross."
"Just call me Maria, Jean."
"Um... okay. Maria."
She smiled and took a couple of things out of the bag, then sat down next to him. "Since this is our first session and it looks like you have been here a while, you are already sweating, we will make this session a short one." Havoc breathed a long sigh of relief. "I didn't bring my acupuncture needles, so we will do a little physical therapy. You should be used to that. How does that sound?"
Havoc absentmindedly nodded again. He was trying as hard as he could not to stare at the shapely black shirt that she was wearing, a light number with a plunging neckline that showed tantalizingly little cleavage, just enough to tease. Jean gulped audibly and Ross gave him a confused look for a moment, then shrugged and smiled, sitting at the end of Havoc's outstretched legs.
"Okay, good," she said. She gently held the bottoms of Havoc's feet with a hand, straightening them out fully. "This is going to be an exercise in muscle building. You will need another person for this, so you may not be able to do it at home, but I will show you how it should be done anyway."
She took each of his feet and gently pressed them backwards and up towards his body, using the pressure to cause the knee to bend into its natural position. She pushed them about halfway back and held them there for a few seconds, then pulled them forward again and set them down, straight legged back down on the mat.
"I can tell that you have lost a lot of muscle mass in your legs. That is why standing is tougher on you than it should be. Even though you can’t feel them, your legs should still be able to support a little bit of your weight and keep you balanced, but right now, they can't. When we increase your upper body strength, and improve the muscle mass on your legs, then you should be able to stand for much longer periods of time, and maybe even with less to support you."
A small grin spread across Havoc's face. "That would be nice. I wish I could walk, but even standing is awful good. For a long time I didn't even think I would be able to do that."
"I can’t promise any miracles Jean, but I do promise that I will do all that I can to make you as independent as possible." She smiled sweetly, and Havoc could have sworn that he felt his heart skip a beat.
"I know, Maria. I know." It was all he could do just to smile weakly back at her and hope that she didn't notice his racing heartbeat, and she thought that the sweat was from the workout.
________________________________________________________________________
Arrangements had been made after a few sessions for Ross to come to Breda's house for the daily exercise routine. It was a lot less taxing on Jean to not have to travel any more than he had to, and the morning sessions meant that he could have plenty of time to shower and get ready at home before heading to work in the afternoon.
The first time that Ross came to the Breda household, Heymans was already at work, and
Janet was lying down, as she hadn't been feeling well the last couple of days. This was going to be the first time that he was going to get acupuncture, and he was worried because that meant seeing him with his shirt off. He hadn't even let Breda or Janet see the scars that marked his body as one of the fallen soldiers.
Havoc sat on the mat that he had purchased for the daily routine, a well padded blue rectangle that made the long sitting times much more bearable. "Come on, Jean. I have seen some terrible things in my time. A few scars won't scare me."
Havoc sighed and took off his black t-shirt, silently wishing that he had remembered to ask for a smoke break first to calm his nerves. He had been trying to cut back and he knew that Ross, like his old Xingian doctor, didn't approve, but she knew he needed them from time to time.
And now was one of those times.
As much as Ross tried to remain stoic, she couldn't help the little gasp that came out of her when she saw his body. There were a lot of little scars, on his shoulders and upper arms where he had been nicked by bullets and grazed by weapons, but nothing too bad. About two thirds of the way down, just above his where his belly button would have been was a large mound of angry, pink, scarred flesh. It was knotty and ribbony, already well healed but not fading away. It would be there for the rest of his life, yet another reminder of what he lost.
She reached out and delicately touched a single finger to the middle of the scarred tissue. It was almost rubbery, and soft, despite its fierce appearance. It looked a lot worse than it felt. Havoc's breath hitched for just a moment and he closed his eyes, fighting down the lump in his throat.
Almost in the dead center of the scar, she could see the small pucker of flesh that constituted the entry point of the Ultimate Lance's deadly nails, the ones that took so much from this young man. There was another, smaller entry scar where the second blade had done less damage, nicking his spleen and kidneys.
"It... isn't that bad, Jean," she stammered.
Havoc opened his eyes and stared deeply into her dark blue eyes and then said, "Don't lie to me. It is. And the scars on my back are worse. The burn is there too, and the incisions where they opened me up and tried to fix me. I am a broken toy, Maria. Sitting at the bottom of the toy chest, just waiting for someone to find me and throw me away."
Ross sniffled, not trying to hold back the wetness in her eyes. "You aren't broken, Jean. You are injured, but you are strong. If you weren't strong you wouldn't be going through all the pain of rehabilitation, you would have just given up and lived at home the rest of your life, having people waiting on you. That is a broken toy. Not you." There was sadness in her voice, but anger as well. She hadn't even realized that she had been clenching her fists.
He sighed, and looked down at his scars again. "I really need a cigarette Maria."
"Yeah, let's take a break and cool down for a few minutes. Hell, I am beginning to think *I* need one." She cracked a small smile, and to her relief, he returned it. He put his shirt back on and transferred back to his chair, and she pushed him out to the front porch for a smoke.
________________________________________________________________________
The first time that Havoc felt the tingling sensation of the acupuncture needles piercing his skin, it was an unnerving experience, in more than one way. Even after four years, he was extraordinarily sensitive about what touched his skin, especially sharp objects.
His whole body went rigid when she held the half inch long needle up for him to look at. He started to sweat and his pulse raced. He wanted to get up and just run away, but the logical part of his brain knew that if he wanted to improve, he needed to trust her. And what reason didn't he have to trust her? They were both former soldiers that had been reinstated. They had been co-workers, and perhaps not friends, but at least acquaintances. They had a lot in common and he knew deep down that she wasn't going to hurt her.
Maria Ross wasn't going to hurt him, but *SHE* had.
Nails like daggers, straight through him, cutting him like a knife through butter. His mind flashed back to the foul smell of death and charred flesh in the air, the searing white-hot pain and then nothing.
"Jean... Jean... are you okay? You look pale." He hadn't even noticed that she had been talking to him for a few moments. He shook his head gently.
"Yeah... I think so. It is just that... well I guess I have just developed a fear of needles," he said and smirked, relying on the same self-deprecating humor he’d had in the past.
Ross gently put her hand on his, rubbing lightly. "I promise you, Jean. I will not hurt you. The feeling differs from person to person. Some people don't feel anything at all. Others say it just feels like a light mosquito bite. But the needles hardly break the skin. Please, trust me."
Havoc nodded slowly and lay down on the mat, the cool plastic outer cover on his back
making him shiver.
At least that is what he told himself.
He closed his eyes tightly and nodded his head. If he was going to do this, he didn't want to look. One heartbeat, then two, then more. He breathed in slowly and breathed out like she had shown him. He hadn't felt anything yet. What was she waiting for? Wasn’t she going to prick him already?
He cracked one eye open and looked down, more than slightly surprised that he already saw several needles poking out of him. His stomach sank for just a moment, flashes of memories coming back to him again. He took a deep breath and held it, trying to push it out of his mind, trying to calm down. He didn't even notice how badly his hands were shaking, although Maria did.
He closed his eyes again. Breathe in. Breathe out. He focused on the breathing. Calm the body, calm the mind. That is what Ross had said. Calm... calm...
His mind swam, he felt almost fluid, like his body was more liquid than solid. Somewhere deep in the back of his mind he felt a light prick, then another. It didn't hurt, it just relaxed him, made him feel even less corporeal. He tried to open his eyes, but he was too tired, too relaxed to move. He could have been there two minutes or two hours, he wasn't really sure, and for some reason he really didn't seem to care. He finally heard a voice, sounding like it came from a across the room.
"You can open your eyes now if you want, Jean. They are all in."
He hesitated for a second, not sure if he really wanted to see or not. He blinked, adjusting his eyes to the light again and looked down. For just a brief moment his breath caught. It was more than a little disconcerting to see needles sticking out of various parts of his body, but there was no pain.
Ross smiled. "Let me point out some of these points. It may help you relax a little more." She smiled and kneeled at the ends of his outstretched legs. "These needles in the bottom of your feet are for your kidneys that were also damaged. This one on your big toe is for your spleen, which I know was injured as well." She pointed out a few needles on the tops of his feet. "These are for various vertebrae, including ones above and below where you were injured."
Havoc nodded. He couldn't even begin to understand this. All he knew is that at least for a short time, he felt just a little bit better. He still had no more feeling that he had before, but at least his body ached less.
She came over and gently touched his hand, making him shiver lightly. "These are for pain in your middle and lower back. I know it hurts there. You are strong, and you will never admit it, but I see the medications that you take. Those are strong pain killers."
He closed his eyes and nodded. "I don't talk about it to anyone, not even my parents. There were times, at the beginning, where I woke up in so much pain that if I had had the pills close by, I might have swallowed them all." He heard her soft gasp. "Over time, the pain dulled to a soft ache. I try not to think about it, and most of the time I can push it to the back of my mind, but sometimes when I am in bed, and I have nothing else on my mind, it is almost too much."
Her hand gently rubbed his for a moment more and then she drew away. "You were drifting off for about fifteen minutes. I am only going to leave them in for about five more minutes. I want to start off will a shorter session. We can leave them in longer another time."
Havoc opened his eyes and smiled up at her. "Is this... normal? The way I feel? For a while, I felt almost liquid and then I was a lot more relaxed."
Ross grinned and nodded her head. "Yeah, that is pretty normal. Like I said before, it affects people differently, but that isn't unusual, what you are describing. It is quite normal."
"Hah, normal," Havoc scoffed. "I am anything but normal."
"You may not be like everyone else, but sometimes that isn't a bad thing," Ross said as she blushed just a little bit. He caught her smiling before she turned her head away.
Havoc wondered if maybe these sessions wouldn't be so bad after all.
Title: Broken
Author: SeaweedOtter
Beta: The AWESOME havocmangawip
Characters: Mostly Jean Havoc, but the most of the rest of the gang appears.
Rating: G- PG
Disclaimer: Manga Spoilers... Set in the manga, a couple years after the end of chapter 38. Maybe AU?
Summary: It can take the reopening of a wound to make it heal properly.
Read all the chapters so far HERE!
Shock couldn't begin to describe the look on Havoc's face when he turned around and saw Maria Ross standing there.
Ross smiled, blushing slightly and flashing a sweet smile as she looked down at Havoc. "Yes. I am going to be your trainer. While I was in Xing, I learned a lot about their medicine. When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a nurse, but I was squeamish around blood. Obviously that wouldn't work. But the Xingian doctors don't work with blood. They use natural techniques, and I have seen it work wonders."
Havoc sighed softly and then said, "There is no wonder miracle for me, Ross." He looked down at his legs sadly, and then glanced sideways over to his chair, a couple of feet away. "The doctors, they can help me stand, but I will never walk, and I will never feel anything again below here." He made a slashing motion against his gut for emphasis.
Her smile faded slightly, and she kneeled down, almost eye to eye with him as she said, "Well, that may be, but that doesn't mean that I can’t try to make your life a little better. I have a program that the Xing doctors helped me design. It combines physical therapy for upper body strength, which you have already been doing, combined with a technique called acupuncture that helps with blood flow, muscles, and nerve function. There is also a regimen of exercises that help the balance of both your body and your mind. It is called yoga."
He cocked his head, raising an eyebrow as he replied, "Sounds kinda... weird to me. Master Xao mostly worked with me physically, although he had some weird herbs he used. A lot of them smelled kinda funny, but they felt nice. The guy would wear me out. I would be in there so long sometimes we would miss lunch." He patted his stomach. "And I don't like to miss any meals." He flashed her a goofy grin.
She smiled back, feeling a little better and relaxing a bit when she saw just a tiny bit of the old Havoc that she had known what seemed like forever ago. "I don’t plan on making you miss any meals, Jean. I don’t think the sessions are going to be that long, since we will be meeting every day at first." She stood back up, reaching for a bag that he hadn't even noticed that she had beside her. "I am going to prescribe some exercises that you are going to need to do every day. But I think Master Xao had you do that as well, didn't he?"
"Um... yeah... right." Havoc nodded dumbly. He was still having trouble wrapping his head around the concept that Maria Ross was here, standing right in front of him. And when the hell had she gotten so pretty?
Maria grinned and blushed at the hard stare that Havoc was giving her. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts, and praying that she hadn't figured out why his eyes had been boring right through her. "Oh, I am sorry. I didn't mean to stare," he stammered. "It is just... well... it's good to see you again, Ross."
"Just call me Maria, Jean."
"Um... okay. Maria."
She smiled and took a couple of things out of the bag, then sat down next to him. "Since this is our first session and it looks like you have been here a while, you are already sweating, we will make this session a short one." Havoc breathed a long sigh of relief. "I didn't bring my acupuncture needles, so we will do a little physical therapy. You should be used to that. How does that sound?"
Havoc absentmindedly nodded again. He was trying as hard as he could not to stare at the shapely black shirt that she was wearing, a light number with a plunging neckline that showed tantalizingly little cleavage, just enough to tease. Jean gulped audibly and Ross gave him a confused look for a moment, then shrugged and smiled, sitting at the end of Havoc's outstretched legs.
"Okay, good," she said. She gently held the bottoms of Havoc's feet with a hand, straightening them out fully. "This is going to be an exercise in muscle building. You will need another person for this, so you may not be able to do it at home, but I will show you how it should be done anyway."
She took each of his feet and gently pressed them backwards and up towards his body, using the pressure to cause the knee to bend into its natural position. She pushed them about halfway back and held them there for a few seconds, then pulled them forward again and set them down, straight legged back down on the mat.
"I can tell that you have lost a lot of muscle mass in your legs. That is why standing is tougher on you than it should be. Even though you can’t feel them, your legs should still be able to support a little bit of your weight and keep you balanced, but right now, they can't. When we increase your upper body strength, and improve the muscle mass on your legs, then you should be able to stand for much longer periods of time, and maybe even with less to support you."
A small grin spread across Havoc's face. "That would be nice. I wish I could walk, but even standing is awful good. For a long time I didn't even think I would be able to do that."
"I can’t promise any miracles Jean, but I do promise that I will do all that I can to make you as independent as possible." She smiled sweetly, and Havoc could have sworn that he felt his heart skip a beat.
"I know, Maria. I know." It was all he could do just to smile weakly back at her and hope that she didn't notice his racing heartbeat, and she thought that the sweat was from the workout.
________________________________________________________________________
Arrangements had been made after a few sessions for Ross to come to Breda's house for the daily exercise routine. It was a lot less taxing on Jean to not have to travel any more than he had to, and the morning sessions meant that he could have plenty of time to shower and get ready at home before heading to work in the afternoon.
The first time that Ross came to the Breda household, Heymans was already at work, and
Janet was lying down, as she hadn't been feeling well the last couple of days. This was going to be the first time that he was going to get acupuncture, and he was worried because that meant seeing him with his shirt off. He hadn't even let Breda or Janet see the scars that marked his body as one of the fallen soldiers.
Havoc sat on the mat that he had purchased for the daily routine, a well padded blue rectangle that made the long sitting times much more bearable. "Come on, Jean. I have seen some terrible things in my time. A few scars won't scare me."
Havoc sighed and took off his black t-shirt, silently wishing that he had remembered to ask for a smoke break first to calm his nerves. He had been trying to cut back and he knew that Ross, like his old Xingian doctor, didn't approve, but she knew he needed them from time to time.
And now was one of those times.
As much as Ross tried to remain stoic, she couldn't help the little gasp that came out of her when she saw his body. There were a lot of little scars, on his shoulders and upper arms where he had been nicked by bullets and grazed by weapons, but nothing too bad. About two thirds of the way down, just above his where his belly button would have been was a large mound of angry, pink, scarred flesh. It was knotty and ribbony, already well healed but not fading away. It would be there for the rest of his life, yet another reminder of what he lost.
She reached out and delicately touched a single finger to the middle of the scarred tissue. It was almost rubbery, and soft, despite its fierce appearance. It looked a lot worse than it felt. Havoc's breath hitched for just a moment and he closed his eyes, fighting down the lump in his throat.
Almost in the dead center of the scar, she could see the small pucker of flesh that constituted the entry point of the Ultimate Lance's deadly nails, the ones that took so much from this young man. There was another, smaller entry scar where the second blade had done less damage, nicking his spleen and kidneys.
"It... isn't that bad, Jean," she stammered.
Havoc opened his eyes and stared deeply into her dark blue eyes and then said, "Don't lie to me. It is. And the scars on my back are worse. The burn is there too, and the incisions where they opened me up and tried to fix me. I am a broken toy, Maria. Sitting at the bottom of the toy chest, just waiting for someone to find me and throw me away."
Ross sniffled, not trying to hold back the wetness in her eyes. "You aren't broken, Jean. You are injured, but you are strong. If you weren't strong you wouldn't be going through all the pain of rehabilitation, you would have just given up and lived at home the rest of your life, having people waiting on you. That is a broken toy. Not you." There was sadness in her voice, but anger as well. She hadn't even realized that she had been clenching her fists.
He sighed, and looked down at his scars again. "I really need a cigarette Maria."
"Yeah, let's take a break and cool down for a few minutes. Hell, I am beginning to think *I* need one." She cracked a small smile, and to her relief, he returned it. He put his shirt back on and transferred back to his chair, and she pushed him out to the front porch for a smoke.
________________________________________________________________________
The first time that Havoc felt the tingling sensation of the acupuncture needles piercing his skin, it was an unnerving experience, in more than one way. Even after four years, he was extraordinarily sensitive about what touched his skin, especially sharp objects.
His whole body went rigid when she held the half inch long needle up for him to look at. He started to sweat and his pulse raced. He wanted to get up and just run away, but the logical part of his brain knew that if he wanted to improve, he needed to trust her. And what reason didn't he have to trust her? They were both former soldiers that had been reinstated. They had been co-workers, and perhaps not friends, but at least acquaintances. They had a lot in common and he knew deep down that she wasn't going to hurt her.
Maria Ross wasn't going to hurt him, but *SHE* had.
Nails like daggers, straight through him, cutting him like a knife through butter. His mind flashed back to the foul smell of death and charred flesh in the air, the searing white-hot pain and then nothing.
"Jean... Jean... are you okay? You look pale." He hadn't even noticed that she had been talking to him for a few moments. He shook his head gently.
"Yeah... I think so. It is just that... well I guess I have just developed a fear of needles," he said and smirked, relying on the same self-deprecating humor he’d had in the past.
Ross gently put her hand on his, rubbing lightly. "I promise you, Jean. I will not hurt you. The feeling differs from person to person. Some people don't feel anything at all. Others say it just feels like a light mosquito bite. But the needles hardly break the skin. Please, trust me."
Havoc nodded slowly and lay down on the mat, the cool plastic outer cover on his back
making him shiver.
At least that is what he told himself.
He closed his eyes tightly and nodded his head. If he was going to do this, he didn't want to look. One heartbeat, then two, then more. He breathed in slowly and breathed out like she had shown him. He hadn't felt anything yet. What was she waiting for? Wasn’t she going to prick him already?
He cracked one eye open and looked down, more than slightly surprised that he already saw several needles poking out of him. His stomach sank for just a moment, flashes of memories coming back to him again. He took a deep breath and held it, trying to push it out of his mind, trying to calm down. He didn't even notice how badly his hands were shaking, although Maria did.
He closed his eyes again. Breathe in. Breathe out. He focused on the breathing. Calm the body, calm the mind. That is what Ross had said. Calm... calm...
His mind swam, he felt almost fluid, like his body was more liquid than solid. Somewhere deep in the back of his mind he felt a light prick, then another. It didn't hurt, it just relaxed him, made him feel even less corporeal. He tried to open his eyes, but he was too tired, too relaxed to move. He could have been there two minutes or two hours, he wasn't really sure, and for some reason he really didn't seem to care. He finally heard a voice, sounding like it came from a across the room.
"You can open your eyes now if you want, Jean. They are all in."
He hesitated for a second, not sure if he really wanted to see or not. He blinked, adjusting his eyes to the light again and looked down. For just a brief moment his breath caught. It was more than a little disconcerting to see needles sticking out of various parts of his body, but there was no pain.
Ross smiled. "Let me point out some of these points. It may help you relax a little more." She smiled and kneeled at the ends of his outstretched legs. "These needles in the bottom of your feet are for your kidneys that were also damaged. This one on your big toe is for your spleen, which I know was injured as well." She pointed out a few needles on the tops of his feet. "These are for various vertebrae, including ones above and below where you were injured."
Havoc nodded. He couldn't even begin to understand this. All he knew is that at least for a short time, he felt just a little bit better. He still had no more feeling that he had before, but at least his body ached less.
She came over and gently touched his hand, making him shiver lightly. "These are for pain in your middle and lower back. I know it hurts there. You are strong, and you will never admit it, but I see the medications that you take. Those are strong pain killers."
He closed his eyes and nodded. "I don't talk about it to anyone, not even my parents. There were times, at the beginning, where I woke up in so much pain that if I had had the pills close by, I might have swallowed them all." He heard her soft gasp. "Over time, the pain dulled to a soft ache. I try not to think about it, and most of the time I can push it to the back of my mind, but sometimes when I am in bed, and I have nothing else on my mind, it is almost too much."
Her hand gently rubbed his for a moment more and then she drew away. "You were drifting off for about fifteen minutes. I am only going to leave them in for about five more minutes. I want to start off will a shorter session. We can leave them in longer another time."
Havoc opened his eyes and smiled up at her. "Is this... normal? The way I feel? For a while, I felt almost liquid and then I was a lot more relaxed."
Ross grinned and nodded her head. "Yeah, that is pretty normal. Like I said before, it affects people differently, but that isn't unusual, what you are describing. It is quite normal."
"Hah, normal," Havoc scoffed. "I am anything but normal."
"You may not be like everyone else, but sometimes that isn't a bad thing," Ross said as she blushed just a little bit. He caught her smiling before she turned her head away.
Havoc wondered if maybe these sessions wouldn't be so bad after all.