Cross my heart I hope you die!
I hate that I'm still so in love with my ex. My life is interesting as fuck lately but I don't even know how to write about it. Boring shit first, juicy shit later.
With school I got invited to a National Honor Society and my old chemistry professor nominated me for a Leadership Development Program which upon completion and graduation I would be granted a nice certificate for. I went to a Pre-Med/Pre-Health committee meeting and it was just the kick in the ass I needed. For a second there I forgot that having a 4.0 is a really GREAT thing to have and to keep. My course load is a nightmare at the moment. I'm taking 18 credits and 3 labs which translates to 24 hours of class a week compared to the average 12~15 hours most full time students take. Fuck my life. But I'm getting more interested in my classes and I'm more determined than ever to really, really kick ass. I have a shit ton of studying to do tonight and through out the weekend. I want to get the major shit out of the way so I can study a bit each night until next Friday when I have both my Biology and Chemistry exams.
But don't get ahead of me. I think he might be psycho. Seriously! So we started talking online for a day or two and then he wanted to come meet me. He seemed nice, he seemed cute. I wondered why he was single if this was the case. I chalked it up to him being slightly less intelligent perhaps? I don't know. So he came to visit me one night. Took me out to dinner. Kissed me a lot and made me feel nervous and uncomfortable while we were at dinner. I let that go and decided we should go back to my room to talk. He wanted me to lay down with him but at first I just sat on the edge of the bed while he laid down. My roommate came in and I introduced them to each other. She offered to let us have privacy but I told her we weren't doing anything, just talking. BIG MISTAKE. So she leaves and we start talking. He's being flirty and gets me to lay down finally. He somehow gets on top of me and starts kissing me... then there's a knock on my door. It was my old roommate going room to room for some fundraiser thing. Behind me she sees this guy on my bed. UGH. I felt like a whore. Anyway, she left and we resumed our positions. Then he takes off his shirt and things are getting heated. I wasn't really for it but I didn't really stop him either. Barely 2 minutes later I hear the key in the door and it's too late to get him to put on his shirt or for me to look less guilty. It was awkward and funny trying to explain things away to my roommate. She left again and told me she'd text me when she was coming back and that we should just have fun... Long story short I got him turned on but I didn't want to do anything because I'm not over Brad and I JUST met this kid. I thought he was really attractive though and he went all pouty and emo on me. I felt guilty and I probably should be ashamed to say this but I had a rebound/revenge fuck.
After we finished he asked me to be his girlfriend. Uhhhh...! I tried to avoid the question but eventually I ended up saying yes. He went home and I was just totally mind fucked about everything that happened. I'm not even sure I LIKE him as a person.
The next day this was confirmed by him chastising me for the way I talked to a few friends on facebook. Umm, excuse me?! What are we, in high school now? T_T Then his mom added me which I thought was weird to begin with... but apparently she stalked my profile and was asking him all sorts of questions and saying fucked up shit about me. I have online friends from gaming and we do have weird jokes and a strange "family" dynamic. She seemed to imply to him that I'm some sort of sex fiend with a freaky "daddy" complex. LISTEN BITCH. I got so heated! Neither of these people know me. So I started ignoring his texts and his phone calls. Mother fucker blew up my phone. Sending text after text with pathetic shit and he even went so far as to leave a message on my phone crying about how he doesn't want to lose me and how he's bipolar and all this nonsense. I was with my friends when I got the voice mail so I played it on speaker and they all agreed with me that this kid is pretty fucking close to insane. Later that night before I got into bed he called again and I picked up. He said he thought about driving 1 hour from home at 3am in the morning to wait outside my dorm room until I walked by because he wanted to talk to me so badly. LOL??!?!? This is no joke but for whatever reason I sort of feel bad for him and I don't really want to cut things off yet. :(
He seems like the type of guy that would be abusive in a relationship but yet I'm hanging on because I like the attention he gives me. He wants me to meet his family and we haven't even been on 2 dates. I'm shaking my head but I honestly don't know what to do. In the midst of all this my ex started texting me again. I thought I could just look at the text and not text him back. I made it through most of the day but eventually I did cave in. We texted back and forth more today. I told him a little about Kevin minus the part about fucking him. He said he's concerned for my well being. I asked him when he's going to drop the act - I know he doesn't really give a shit about me. Ugh. We're still sort of texting but it's obvious that we're avoiding anything too personal right now. I really do miss him. I hate that he doesn't want me anymore. He was a best friend to me and even now I have no trouble telling him what's on my mind. He's easy to talk to and he understands me. My life is such a fucking joke right now.
In other news I seem to keep fluctuating between 109 and 112lbs. I'm 109.5 today but I hope tomorrow I can be 108ish. I haven't been eating regularly. Sigh...