A few things
I have two weeks off from work to stop and think. That last three or four months have been stressful, with work busier than ever, just as I'm contemplating next steps with career and maybe grad school, that SPC distraction (which was really about the dissonance between how I always assumed I'd think/feel/behave and how I really felt), and wavering health that makes it difficult to want a more challenging job. On top of that, I have not much in the way of hobbies, save my netflix, reading, cooking, and yoga, and I think I need more useful distractions, except I haven't felt well (I keep forgetting). So, I need to reassess and rebuild a few things these next two weeks as I rest up.
I just don't feel like posting about most of that. It's either so evident to me that I don't need to write it down to know what I'm thinking, or it's not important enough. My relationships, though, both need to be thought out and are important enough to scribble, revise, search for the right word, frame and reframe, and remember.
So on to that.
The librarian and I have been going out about a month. He calls every day and sees me most days. I like him. I like just hanging out, and I like the big things about him. I like how he is and how I feel around him. He's smart and funny (almost wet my pants laughing yesterday), compassionate and easy-going, just neurotic enough that I know he's a real person, and that works for me; I can be calming and balancing, and he does the same when I'm fretting about over-salting the eggs or worrying about the one negative things someone said at work, amidst a sea of positives. He read up on the crohn's and tries to read me to gauge if I'm feeling okay or what hurts, and he's one of the few people who can just say it scares him but he wants to hear how it feels so he can help. He's forthright about where he is with relationships and what hasn't worked for him, what foibles of his trip him up or bother him, what he needs and likes and values. He makes it easy for me to do the same. He's got a life, friends, hobbies, things he wants to learn and do, so he brings something fresh to each conversation, and I can do the same. He wants a big relationship and wants to do it right. So yeah, I like him.
I hope I'm capable of giving and receiving love--real, deep, meaningful, deserved, heartfelt, soul-filling, healing, warm, inspiring, tender, nurturing, boundless, explosive, lasting--the kind that inspires true awe. I hope I'm capable of feeling the joy of it, and the peace. Baby kisses and flower petals and supernovas.
I want it fast and full, but really, I want it right and real and lasting.
I just don't feel like posting about most of that. It's either so evident to me that I don't need to write it down to know what I'm thinking, or it's not important enough. My relationships, though, both need to be thought out and are important enough to scribble, revise, search for the right word, frame and reframe, and remember.
So on to that.
The librarian and I have been going out about a month. He calls every day and sees me most days. I like him. I like just hanging out, and I like the big things about him. I like how he is and how I feel around him. He's smart and funny (almost wet my pants laughing yesterday), compassionate and easy-going, just neurotic enough that I know he's a real person, and that works for me; I can be calming and balancing, and he does the same when I'm fretting about over-salting the eggs or worrying about the one negative things someone said at work, amidst a sea of positives. He read up on the crohn's and tries to read me to gauge if I'm feeling okay or what hurts, and he's one of the few people who can just say it scares him but he wants to hear how it feels so he can help. He's forthright about where he is with relationships and what hasn't worked for him, what foibles of his trip him up or bother him, what he needs and likes and values. He makes it easy for me to do the same. He's got a life, friends, hobbies, things he wants to learn and do, so he brings something fresh to each conversation, and I can do the same. He wants a big relationship and wants to do it right. So yeah, I like him.
I hope I'm capable of giving and receiving love--real, deep, meaningful, deserved, heartfelt, soul-filling, healing, warm, inspiring, tender, nurturing, boundless, explosive, lasting--the kind that inspires true awe. I hope I'm capable of feeling the joy of it, and the peace. Baby kisses and flower petals and supernovas.
I want it fast and full, but really, I want it right and real and lasting.