S3 2015: Who I am, Who I’m Not, Who I Wanna Be

[comebackmods]

Title: Who I am, Who I’m Not, Who I Wanna Be
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Sunggyu-centric, Sunggyu/Myungsoo
Length: 11,371 words
Summary: At twenty-two, Sunggyu was a lot of things ― a newly debuted idol, a leader, a man living his dreams. At thirty-one, Sunggyu is no one.
Notes: Thank you to my fic soulmate for the constant encouragement and support! Thank you to E for being so supportive (in more ways than one!) and to J, R, K, Eu, C and everyone who ever listened to me rant about this. Finally, to everyone who has been a sprint buddy during this painful writing process, you can do it!

Prompts:
1. Quote - “That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end.” ― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation
2. Image - image
3. Song - Ed Sheeran // Give Me Love



“And that tonight I’ll call ya,
After my blood is drowning in alcohol,
No, I just wanna hold ya.”

There's no one waiting for him.

Sunggyu isn't exactly surprised by the turn of events but he can’t help but find it strange. Being able to stand in the streets with no screaming fans surrounding him is something he hasn't been able to do in years. He blinks, looks around him a few times as he realizes that no fan nor reporter is hiding behind trees or cars, that they aren’t going to get in his face.

Not today.

Twenty-one months ago, three hundred fans had been standing there to send him off to the military, with teary promises of waiting for him. Promises they didn’t hold, he thinks, as he observes fellow comrades embrace family members and loved ones while walking down the street on his own.

He had expected for fans to not be there, for them to have moved on instead of waiting for him. He hasn't done anything for them in almost two years, hasn't bothered to keep them updated on his life in the military through the fancafé or his neglected SNS account and he can't, for the life of him, remember the last time he has ever interacted with a fan. He hasn't given them anything to make them stay and they hadn't.

No one in the entertainment industry was blind, after all. They were all perfectly aware that both popularity and fans could disappear overnight, the latter moving on to better, younger, handsomer celebrities. It was to be expected but it still felt weird and foreign to him, after seven years of constant scrutiny. It's still all he has ever known for years ― being an idol, being under the spotlight, being INFINITE's Sunggyu.

The army had come off as quite a relief, offering him calm and a rest he had both wanted and needed. A few stares here and there from fellow soldiers hadn't bothered him much, not after everything he had ever experienced during Infinite's busiest years. Still, sometimes late at night, he had missed it all ― the attention, the hectic schedules and the busy life in which he never had time to stop and think.

A hand claps itself on his shoulder, breaking him out of his thoughts and Sunggyu looks over it, a small smile gracing his lips when his eyes meets Jaemin’s. "Do your fans even know you’ve been discharged, hyung? All of the guys had expected to get their quarter of fame today.” The younger boys grins toothily at him and Sunggyu shakes his head at the sight in front of him. Cute, he thinks, though he would never said it out loud. His friend would never let it go.

Lee Jaemin had been Sunggyu’s closest companion in the army, the two of them having been paired up during their four weeks of basic training and then dispatched to the same unit. Jaemin had been everything but shy, the twenty-two year old completely at ease about being around a celebrity. He himself had been more reserved, not sure he could still make friends and interact with another person in a normal, genuine way.

“I―” Sunggyu starts before stopping himself. He takes a few seconds to ponder over his next words, tries to find answers that could convince both his friend and himself as he rubs his left ear, now free of earrings. He will have to get it pierced again. "I don't know," he finally says a minute or two later, not having found any. A dry chuckle slips past his lips at Jaemin's guilty yet curious expression and the tense way in which the younger is standing.

There's a fine line between not lying and being bad at it. Sunggyu has always been constantly hovering over it ― neither willing to share his truths nor to lie. Jaemin knows he's pried too much, has gotten a truth that, maybe, hadn’t meant to be out so soon.

Sunggyu knows, too, that this won't stop his hoobae from asking for more answers.

"They have their lives to lead, too, I guess. Can't wait for little pathetic me forever," he adds, trying to lighten the conversation and Jaemin snorts. "Is Woollim waiting for you, though? You have never talked about your plans now that we're out, hyung. What about that collab―"

This time, the answer comes immediately before the younger has even finished talking. "Don't have any," he says, pretending to not see how Jaemin's smile freezes.

It's true, he hasn't talked to Woollim staff in months, hasn't tried to reach out to them either. He's not worried, though. "See," he points out to a black SUV with tinted windows parked a few meters down the road. "They haven't forgotten about me."

INFINITE isn't over for Woollim. Sunggyu is aware of it, of the contract he had renewed three years ago and that would only end in another four years. Woollim wouldn't let go of the band that had brought them to their current position.

His enlistment had meant their hiatus as a band but their name had continued to be all over the news and charts. Dongwoo and Hoya had released their first full album almost a year ago, just before Dongwoo's own enlistment and it had been a success, selling over 100.000 copies. Sunggyu remembers promoting it proudly among his comrades, many of them liking the hip-hip sound of the duet better than the usual music they had been doing as a band. Sungjong had gotten his fair share of variety programs, both as guest and MC. Sungyeol had had his big break in a war movie, opening doors for him in the acting field and finally getting him out of a slump that had never really ended over the years. He had enlisted with Howon and Woohyun only three months prior and―

Jaemin nudges him on his side, hands in the pockets of his knee length shorts. They’re loose, in black cotton with a huge “38” in white on the right thigh and Sunggyu remembers it’s how he would have worn them a few years ago, as the denim of his jeans is now being wrapped tight around his thighs. Things change. "Your manager is starting to lose patience, hyung."

Sunggyu takes a glance at the man leaning against the car. It’s Sunho, he recognizes, the bulky build of INFINITE’s head manager impossible to miss. Sunggyu takes in the way his brows are furrowed together, how his feet taps against the pavement in an off-beat rhythm. He looks at his friend again and says nothing. Woollim can wait.

Jaemin doesn’t agree. "I really think you should go, hyung." There’s something off with the way things are happening, with how picking up Sunggyu after two years in the military seems to be more a chore than a happy occasion.

Sunggyu hesitates but nods before bowing, hands clasped together, not knowing what to do with them. He doesn't even know how they should part or how to say goodbye without having everything changing. "Babo hyung," Jaemin jokes, wrapping his arms around Sunggyu in a brief but warm hug. Sunggyu gasps under his breath, chuckling out loud afterwards to cover the sound, but he doesn't pull away and squeezes the younger's shoulder softly before stepping back. "Don't call me if you get in trouble, kiddo. I won't be there to help you anymore. I’m a top star, my time is precious.”

Jaemin rolls his eyes at him and Sunggyu just smiles. He will be there, always. "Yeah, yeah. We both know it’s a lie.”

Sunggyu freezes, as if hit by an invisible force and he sucks in a shaky breath. He glances at Jaemin who doesn’t seem to have noticed, continuing to babble as if nothing is wrong and he shakes his head and puts a smile on his face as he tries to save the appearance. He doesn't even know who he is anymore ― an idol, a celebrity, or simply a thirty-one year old man who is trying to find a sense to it all. He doesn't know, doesn't know what's a lie about himself anymore.

"Right, hyung? You would come if I called you because I'm sure you will miss me in two days, no, two hours!" Jaemin flashes him a cheeky grin and his eyes full of smugness remind him so much of Sungyeol. "As if you wouldn't come if I asked for your help, Gyu hyung."

Oh, it's that lie. Sunggyu feels relief slip through him and he raises both his hands in surrender, nodding seriously. "Guilty. You know I would come."

Jaemin shakes his head, a little laugh full of playfulness and teasing escaping his lips as he pats Sunggyu's back one last time and takes a step back, ready to leave. "Yeah yeah, just keep in touch. You promised to introduce me to my future wife!"

"Did I?" Sunggyu asks, eyes wide open and gasping mockingly. Jaemin and his obsession for Jung Eunji had been what had started their friendship, the younger had brazenly approached him to request Eunji’s number and while Sunggyu hadn’t given it out to him, Jaemin had stuck by his side.

"You’re lame, hyung,” Sunggyu snorts, used to Jaemin’s teasing which reminds him of his members. He stares at Jaemin, taking him in as if it was the last time they were seeing each other. “Don’t forget me, okay?" Jaemin smiles at him one last time before jogging softly towards a short woman who has Jaemin’s playful eyes and thin lips and a cute little girl who can't be older than twelve. His mother and sister, Sunggyu recalls. Jaemin had showed him many pictures of them when he had needed someone to help him cope with loneliness.

A family welcoming him back, he would have loved that. He would have appreciated being hugged by his mother and patted on the back by a hopefully proud father. He would have liked it but had never dreamed of it, not since his debut and the distance it had created between him and his parents. He's still their son, he's aware of this, but he's also a son they don't really know anymore.

As he greets Sunho quickly, almost awkwardly, and they both take place into the car, he thinks he should call them soon. It would be great to talk to his mother again.

He could just call her, he supposes, thinking of the cell phone stuffed in the duffle bag he has just thrown on the back seat a few minutes ago. He takes a look at it, his fingers itching to reach for the bag. He shakes his head and sighs, hands in his lap as his fingers latch on a loose thread of his sweatshirt.

He could phone her, but he won’t. He’s afraid of her reading into him and his words, knows she will figure out something is wrong as soon as he starts talking. She has probably already figured it out, he realizes, and maybe that’s why he’s distanced himself in the last few years.

He had gone against his family for his dream, had left Jeonju for Seoul with nothing but his passion for singing and a few thousands wons stashed in his wallet. Time has mended all wounds and he has never ceased to be their son but he doesn’t want to give them the satisfaction of knowing that maybe they had been right to think this path wasn’t for him.

Maybe, once he has figured it all out, he will make the first step again.

But first, he has to find himself.

-

Sunggyu stands in front of the familiar metallic door, unsure if he should open it and enter. Sunho had assured him that the passcode is still the same but something within him makes him hesitate.

He feels like an intruder about to enter a place he doesn't belong in but he doesn't have another choice nor another place to go and he presses the four digits on the padlock quickly, repeating them in his head. Two-three-eight-nine, two-three-eight-nine. The birth months of Woohyun, Myungsoo, Sungyeol and Sungjong. It's a mystery no one had broke in yet, with such an easy combination.

The door clicks open and he steps in, taking in the eerie silence of the apartment. It's so calm, the silence so oppressing he can feel it press against his throat, making him suffocate. If only someone could be here, if―

His wish is granted as a soft voice greets him, surprising him as he had thought no one was there. "Welcome home, hyung." Sunggyu looks up as the familiar voice echoes in the hallway and he swallows back the panic that crawls up in his throat.

His nails dig into the palms of his hands as the words echo in his head. Home, home, home. It isn't his home, he doesn't belong here and the ache within him throbs as he wonders when he has become such an insecure coward, one who has lost himself in his dreams.

Eight years ago, he had debuted in an idol group thinking he had sold his soul. He has gotten a new dream but it had shattered beneath his feet, leaving him torn between fixing it or dreaming again.

Sungjong's hand on his arm shakes him away from his thoughts and he takes a long look at the younger man. It's Sungjong, but then again, it's not. He still looks the same, lean and soft and almost delicate if you didn't know better but Sunggyu can see the force and sharpness in his eyes, and the slight build of his arm muscles that hadn’t been there before. Sunggyu wonders what happened but shrugs his shoulders. Life has happened, he supposes, just life.

"Thanks, Sungjongie," he removes his shoes ― an old pair of Nike high tops he has gotten from a fan three or four years ago and pauses as he watches Sungjong put on his shoes. The atmosphere would be almost awkward, if not for the soft smile Sungjong flashes at him while putting on his jacket, an old denim vest Howon had offered him for his twenty-second birthday. "Are you going somewhere?" Sunggyu asks. He hasn't seen the younger man in almost a year, not since he had gotten a day off a few days before Dongwoo's enlistment and some of them had come together to celebrate. All of them, except Woohyun.

"Ah, yeah, I have a recording to attend." Sungjong looks embarrassed to have to leave so soon but Sunggyu simply nods and waves the apology Sungjong gives him away. Work comes first. "It's okay, we will see each other later, I guess."

Sungjong looks relieved, "Yup." He's half out of the door when he turns back, his fingers scratching the back of his head in a move Sunggyu knows is nervousness. "I just remembered... Your stuff is in Woohyun's room, hyung. I thought it was a bad idea but―” Sungjong stops, takes a deep breath and shakes his light brown hair out of his eyes and Sunggyu knows the conversation is over. “I think I should just go. See you, Sunggyu hyung.”

A laugh escapes Sunggyu once he’s left alone in the hallway, a bitter and mocking laugh that breaks the peaceful atmosphere of the dorm. His hold on the bag thrown over his shoulder tightens as he crosses the living room and stops in front of the second door on the left, Woohyun's room.

The door is already open and he steps inside the small room, observing it all. He hasn't been inside in years, years before he even left for the army but nothing has really changed. He drops himself on the single bed, wincing as the bed squeaks under his weight and looks around.

Practicality, Sunho had said while explaining the situation. After Howon had enlisted, Woollim had decided to have their freshly debuted male group move in the dorm he had shared with Dongwoo and Howon. Only Myungsoo and Sungjong were left and the three of them sharing the same space had been deemed good enough.

His eyes roams over the room, stopping on the three unopened suitcases he knows are his. All his life is in them and he snorts at how pathetic all of this is. He's thirty-one, sharing a dorm and staying in a room that isn't his. What's the point of being a celebrity when you live like this? He has nothing, owns nothing, and the failure of all the investments he had made hits him in the face. He wouldn't know what to do with himself if everything was to end tomorrow.

He makes himself comfortable on the bed, closing his eyes to avoid looking at all the belongings of Woohyun that are scattered around. Everything in the room reminds him that he doesn’t belong there and he can't face it.

"Gyu hyung?"

Sunggyu opens his eyes, meeting Myungsoo's who is leaning against the doorway. The younger boy looks at him questionably, almost shy and Sunggyu has to refrain himself from grinning. They have passed that stage of awkwardness a long time ago, but strangely, Sunggyu isn’t put off by Myungsoo's awkward, tentative self. It is good to have someone else disturbed by the recent events, good to have someone not pretending that nothing had changed when everything has.

"Hyung?" Myungsoo tries again and Sunggyu hums, not trusting his voice. "Can I come in?"

Sunggyu nods and scoots over instinctively, giving Myungsoo space to lie down. The second youngest had always been affectionate with the people he loved and who were ready to embrace his displays of affection. He had been one of them. Still is one of them, he corrects himself mentally.

It’s the sign Myungsoo needed and he gets on the bed, lying so close to Sunggyu that they could pass as one. "I missed you, Gyu hyung," he says softly and Sunggyu smiles. It reminds him of their trainee days, and the moments they would spend together in the practice room, lying side by side on the wooden floor to find comfort in each other. There’s a desperation he can hear in Myungsoo’s voice, almost as if he was afraid Sunggyu would leave him again and Sunggyu bites down on his lip at the emotions that wash over him.

Myungsoo’s breath tickles Sunggyu's neck and the latter tries to not squirm and pull away. He doesn't want to hurt Myungsoo by making him feel rejected, and he squeezes the younger's hip affectionately.

Sunggyu’s lips curl up in a genuine smile. "Missed you too, Myungsoo-yah."

They stay silent for a few minutes, each relishing in the other's presence and Sunggyu takes a good look at Myungsoo. He seems tired, he observes, taking in black eye bags under the younger's eyes and an even paler than usual complexion.

"Tired?" One of his hands starts playing with Myungsoo's jet black strands of hair, rubbing his head softly. He can feel the younger nodding against his neck. Myungsoo is starring in a KBS drama, Sunggyu remembers Jaemin telling him. It's Myungsoo's second lead role, one of a young businessman blackmailed into an affair by his step-mother. He had been worried upon reading the synopsis, wondering how Myungsoo had been coping with such a complex character. He's doing well, apparently, as both ratings and netizens' comments had been in his favor for once. Sunggyu is proud of him doing so well, for having grown into the man he is, too. "Sleep, then."

"Later," Myungsoo mumbles and Sunggyu chuckles under his breath. He’s still such a child sometimes. "Hyung," he starts and Sunggyu raises a brow at him. "Are you okay with being in Woohyun's room?"

His fingers stop moving, resting in Myungsoo's hair and he turns his head away from Myungsoo's inquisitive eyes. "I don't have a choice, do I? I guess I will be fine. Woohyun... he... accepted this, right?"

"Yeah," Myungsoo confirms and Sunggyu takes a deep breath, nodding to himself. It's not much but Sunggyu thinks that maybe, things between Woohyun and him are going to get better.

His enlistment and the break he had forced upon INFINITE had driven Woohyun mad and even the news of his first solo mini-album hadn't soothed him. If possible, it had driven him even madder. Sunggyu could understand why. The news of Woohyun's solo had hit the news on the same day of his enlistment. Fans had bought it, happy that the only member that hadn't gone solo finally had time to shine. All the members had been supportive, including Sunggyu but both he and Woohyun had known the truth ― that Woollim was only making use of the second cash cow now that the first one was leaving, that Woohyun was only getting it because Sunggyu wasn't there to get it in his place.

It had made Woohyun crazy, getting Kim Sunggyu's leftovers and being a puppet controlled by Sunggyu's actions ― to enlist early, to put their group on hold, to just leave without talking to them first. The others hadn't questioned him much, either too scared, too respectful or even out of understanding but Woohyun hadn't cared about that. He had confronted him about putting all their hard work to waste, about him deciding on all their fates on his own and it was the worst fight he had ever been involved in. After all, words can cut way deeper than fists will ever be able to.

And Woohyun had been right. Sunggyu hadn't backed down, though. He hadn't been able to stay when he hadn't been sure it was what he wanted anymore. He had felt it ― the guilt from not wanting to sing anymore, from not being sure about wanting INFINITE anymore while his six brothers had continued to sleep, dream, live INFINITE. He was still choking on it, two years later. Woohyun had been through a depression only fans had been able to get him out off. They were everything to him and Sunggyu had, through his decision, severed their bond. He had left for himself but he was still as lost than the day he left, and maybe Woohyun had been right ― they would have been better without him.

"You know he isn't angry anymore, hyung. He doesn't understand your decision but he isn't angry. You're important to him." Sunggyu stays silent and Myungsoo doesn't say anything anymore. He knows he has been heard. Kim Myungsoo knows more of Kim Sunggyu than anyone else, but all he knows is still what Sunggyu is willing to share.

“Are you happy, Myungsoo?” Sunggyu finally asks.

Myungsoo hesitates, his teeth chewing on his lower lip. "Mmmh," he finally answers, "I am."

"Really?"

Myungsoo hums again. "I just miss the days when we were INFINITE."

Sunggyu freezes and drags a hand all over his face. Fuck, fuck, fuck. "I'm sorry," he chokes painfully. What he had done what was he had needed, and maybe what he had needed but he had never wanted them to suffer. Never.

"Don't be, hyung. I understand. I'm not unhappy, none of us is. What matters is that you aren't either."

"I'm fine," Sunggyu ignores the burning eyes drilling a hole into his face, ignores he can't give a proper answer to such a simple question. "I'm tired, Myungsoo-yah. Let's talk later, yeah?"

"Sure," Myungsoo gets up, crosses the room in four steps and closes the door behind him, leaving him alone with his thoughts and his questions.

He doesn't manage to sleep that night, haunted by questions he doesn't have the answers to.

-

"How was the recording?" Heechul asks, raising a brow at the man sitting next to him. Sunggyu groans and puts a glass of soju to his lips before slamming it down on the table. "Bad."

His first post-army schedule ended two hours ago. Woollim had waited for him to settle back into the idol routine ― vocal lessons, individual dance practices and exercise sessions taking most of his time ― before putting him under the spotlight and in front of cameras again.

He had been given time to settle in but the disaster hadn't been able to be avoided. He had reacted accordingly, clapped his hands when he had been asked to and had remembered to flash smiles left and right but there had been no enthusiasm in his words and the snark that had once been present in his speech had been nowhere to be found.

"Explain," Heechul demands, ignoring the way Jinho shakes his head at him behind Sunggyu's back. "There's nothing to tell," Sunggyu replies. He pours himself another shot and drinks it before anyone has time to react.

"Slow down, Sunggyu-ah," The concern in Jinho's voice stops him from pouring himself another one and he leans his head back, looking up at the once white roof of the bar they're in. Nightlife in Sinchon hasn't changed much and neither have his drinking habits but the soju running in his blood doesn't give him the relief it once did. He clenches his fingers around the shot glass he’s holding. Alcohol has always been his most faithful companion, the one to nurse all his sorrows but tonight, he feels more alone than ever.

Jinho tries again. "Tell us what happened, we can't help you if you don't open up."

It’s true. For years, everything has been kept bottled up inside him. He has never been able to truly give himself away completely, has never been able to share his burdens. Tonight isn't really any different. He wants to try, but the weight of doubts he has been carrying on his shoulders for years shouldn't be put on others.

Looking back on what happened that afternoon, nothing had gone wrong. He had just hated it, the recording. He had felt pathetic, sitting there and saying the shit they had wanted him to, being INFINITE's leader when there hasn't been an INFINITE in forever.

A humorless laugh escapes him and he drags a hand through the short strands of his growing out buzz cut. He's such a mess. He’s akin to a clown, one scaring the people around him and wearing an ugly mask of fake happiness. His mask and that smile he’s always forcing himself to plaster on his face, all of this is starting to melt. The cracks are showing and he can’t hide them anymore. A shattering mask and pieces of a dream, are the only things he's left with.

“You want to leave,” Heechul states, looking straight into his eyes. It’s not a question. Heechul knows. Sunggyu isn't surprised, it's not the first time Heechul is going through this, he has lost more than a friend to a dream that had slipped away. Was he going to be one of them who escaped to conquer another dream? Probably not, he reasons, this only happens when you know what you want. He doesn't.

"I have thought about it," He drags a slender finger on the rim of his glass, pensive. "But I can't."

Heechul rolls his eyes, but the fond look he throws him afterwards shows his concern. "You can. You just don't want to."

Sunggyu shrugs. "I can't. I want this. Music―" he looks at his two friends who are giving him time and he tries to gather his thoughts. It's the first time he’s even tried to open up and he's torn between talking and running away. He stays. "It's my everything. Always has been. It's all I know how to do but I'm―"

"You have done it so much that it doesn't feel fulfilling anymore." Jinho interjects and Sunggyu glances at him before pouring himself another drink. "Yes," he finally confirms, letting the burn of the soju wash away the sad reality of his words.

Music is where his heart lies. He's nothing without it and maybe, that's when everything started to go wrong. Music can go on without Kim Sunggyu but Kim Sunggyu cannot live without music. He can't live with the hot betrayal that would follow him for years if he was to scare INFINITE again and permanently this time.

In the end, his past mistakes and all his current doubts can only be his to atone for.

"I will figure it out," Sunggyu finally says and the three of them know nothing more will come out of him tonight. "I will," he repeats more firmly, taking the shot that Heechul is holding out for him.

Alcohol isn't able to soothe him as it once did, and his passion for music has left him but he won't give up.

Music will come back to him, come back for him. It has to. His dream had made him who he is now and it’s about time it’s him who makes the dream happen again. He will glue back all the pieces himself if he has to.

He has ever only loved music and he isn’t ready to let it go. More than half of his life has been spent eating, sleeping, breathing music and starting over isn’t possible in his mind.

Music is his life. Now, he just has to learn how to live it.

-

The sharp sound of his cell phone makes him jump and he chews on his lower lip, wondering who could be contacting him now.

He had left the dorms around three hours ago, bored out of his mind. Sungjong had left early in the morning for his Inkigayo MC job and Myungsoo had followed him a bit later to film an episode of his drama.

Staying there alone makes him uncomfortable, throws him his loneliness and lack of schedules back in his face. He's occasionally filming, had random appearances in varieties and a lead role in Lovelyz's latest music video but it's not enough. He needs more, needs to be so busy that he’s left with no time to think. Time is one of his enemies, one that brings him to a dark place he doesn't want to visit but is always pulled into. Indeed, he has never truly left it ― that black hole he'd been sucked into years ago.

Depression, he had read on the internet one night. He had just been curious, had wanted to know what could be the reason for him suddenly feeling so different. He had blinked a few times upon reading the words describing his condition so well, and then had closed both the page and his eyes, willing himself to forget and move forward as he had always done.

He had wanted to, but hadn't been able to do so. Depression isn't something you can shake off easily, he has learnt. It has dragged him down, stripped him off that bright light he had always been following and has left him there to survive alone.

He's still surviving now. He tries to, despite every day being harsher than the last. Every day is a bit more difficult, and he's lost sight of what he was waking up for in the morning. There's no end in sight, nothing to end this misery he seems to be swimming in.

His phone vibrates again and he takes it out of his pants pocket. Sungjong's name flashes on the screen and Sunggyu raises an eyebrow. He hadn't realized he had been out for so long. 11:34, his watch informs him when he checks the time.

"Don't worry. I will be back", he types back to the text asking him where he is. Sungjong is a good kid, considerate and caring and Sunggyu is aware of it, but Sungjong doesn't get it. He doesn't know what's going on with him and Sunggyu doesn't want to show him, doesn't want him to discover that the one who is supposed to be the strongest, the leader, has crumbled down.

He drops his phone into his lap and stares in front of him again. He's been sitting on the same spot since he got to Itaewon, an old wooden bench near the subway station. It's a good place to watch people and he enjoys watching them walk past him and imagining their lives. It had always been relaxing, especially when fame had been quite difficult to carry and he had needed a break.

Back then, being able to be a stranger in the streets for a few hours had been sweet relief and a way to not feel alone. Being surrounded by people who had no idea who he was for a few hours had been better than nothing, and Sunggyu had been grateful for the temporary relief it had given him. Now, being invisible is more than that. He's able to be no one, and certainly not that man who has fallen and can't seem to get up.

He sighs when his phone vibrates again against his thigh and he's ready to ignore the new message when he notices the name of the sender.

Kim Myungsoo.

Myungsoo is different. He's caring and considerate, too, but there's something else. Sunggyu remembers that night in the practice room, eight or nine years ago. INFINITE had debuted not too long ago, was struggling to find success and he had taken it hard. He had spent sleepless nights wondering if joining had been the best decision, wondering if stepping up to take the leader position had been wise.

He had been worried about them not making it, of him doing things wrong for his team. It had driven him to practice harder, to be stronger for the six guys he was leading and their dreams that he was carrying on his shoulders.

No one had noticed it ― the stress and the pressure he had been dealing with. No one, except Myungsoo. "If you want us happy, hyung, you need to be happy too. It's a mutual bond. Everything you're doing for us... We are giving it back to you. Hyung, you can count on me, you know that, right?"

Sunggyu had never forgotten those words. He still hadn’t really leant on Myungsoo after that, had never dared to but he had never forgotten. He had started to open up more, had let himself be more Kim Sunggyu and less INFINITE's Sunggyu around the younger. Myungsoo can read him when others cannot and this, Sunggyu realizes, is something he’s grateful for.

Sometimes, Sunggyu thinks that Myungsoo will be the one to save him. It's selfish of him to hope so, though.

He reads Myungsoo's text again and he replies, a smile on his lips as he mouths the words silently. "I'm in Itaewon, yes. Won't stay too late, I promise. Want to grab a drink?"

The response comes immediately and as Sunggyu stares at the "I will come" Myungsoo has just sent him, he realizes something important.

Myungsoo might not be his savior but he’s the light he’s desperately been seeking. Sunggyu believes it, Myungsoo is the one who can show him the right path and bring him back from where he’s lost himself.

-

"Drink," Sunggyu requests, gesturing with his chin to the full glass of soju in front of him.

Myungsoo lowers his face mask, eyeing the glass contemplatively. "Ah, I'm recording a show tomorrow, hyung..."

"When does it start?"

Myungsoo thinks about it for a few seconds, "Should be on set by 6 A.M."

“That’s only a few hours, then,” Sunggyu states. “You should go back to the dorm and get rest, Myungsoo-yah.”

Myungsoo nods but doesn’t make a move to leave. He plays with his glass for a few minutes in silence instead as His fingers trace the rim again and again. Sunggyu looks at the way his fingers move, almost hypnotized by the circular movements. He believes Myungsoo won’t drink it, but Myungsoo surprises him by putting the shot glass to his lips and downing it in one shot. "I will be okay, hyung. Don’t worry about me."

Sunggyu frowns. "What's wrong?"

He knows something is troubling Myungsoo, had his suspicions since the younger joined him but this is the clear sign he had been waiting for.

Myungsoo never drinks in public if he doesn't have to, had stopped that years ago. He knows the younger will be fine, after all, what Myungsoo had once said on radio is still the truth, the younger can drink up to two bottles of soju on his own and be completely fine afterwards, even the day after. He had done it more than once but this had been before Kim Doyeon.

Myungsoo had lost his carefree mindset after her, had lost his childish views on stardom and his status. It had made him grow up, in a way, but it had also turned him into a cautious, more calculated man. He had only been a kid curious about love back then, one who had wanted to see where following his heart could bring him.

He had merely liked her, Myungsoo had confessed to him years later as they sat together near the Han River, had just found her pretty and had wanted to make her smile. The price for that had been too much to pay and Myungsoo had never dared to follow his heart again.

Sunggyu still sometimes misses the innocent kid he has first met in a stuffy meeting room eleven years ago. Celebrity had damaged all of them, in one way or another, he figured. No one was going to come out intact of this but they had to keep on standing up, he guessed. It didn't matter if they were crippled, as long as they were still standing.

Myungsoo shrugs and Sunggyu resists the urge to roll his eyes. "Just tired, hyung. I have been busy recently." He pours himself another shot, downs it before Sunggyu can blink and the latter says nothing.

"Myungsoo―”

"I'm filming both a drama and a movie, have three fansigns lined-up for Nature Republic and am going to have a fixed spot on Jaesuk hyung’s upcoming show, Gyu hyung. Pilot was filmed three days ago." He takes a deep breath and Sunggyu can see his hands shaking, hear the resignation in Myungsoo's voice that makeup can't conceil. "I'm just tired but it's... It's work? That's what we wanted, wasn't it?"

Sunggyu gets up, blearily opens his wallet to leave money on the table, gesturing to his companion to follow him. "It's not a reason, Soo-yah." He hasn't called Myungsoo that since he had once used it in a recording and the fans had picked up on it, turning this special nickname into something mundane. The smile Myungsoo flashes him in that instant makes him regret not having started using it earlier. "Soo-yah," he starts again, his voice soft as they start walking toward their dorm, "Work is supposed to be fun. Has it been fun for you recently?"

Myungsoo doesn't answer but he doesn't need to. Sunggyu sighs. He can't let Myungsoo crumble, he can't but the terrible realization that he doesn't know how to avoid it presses on his chest painfully.

"I don't know anymore, hyung," Myungsoo finally says, when their dorm comes into view. "I just don't know."

"I don't know, either." Sunggyu confesses.

"The hyungs will be back soon, Gyu hyung," Myungsoo states and it's right. Dongwoo will be discharged in a few months, the rest in less than a year now. Time passes, but it doesn't make anything better. "Maybe, you just have to wait and everything will be back as before. Training again and prepare for what could be our second debut."

"Do you really believe that, Soo-yah?" Sunggyu rubs a hand over his face, the metal of his ring cold against his skin. He has been waiting for years for things to fall back into their original place. They never have till now and if he has to be honest with himself, he's not sure they will ever be.

Myungsoo doesn't answer. Sunggyu doesn't ask again.

-

"We're having Myungsoo record his first mini album in eight weeks," Lee Jung Yeop says to him. Sunggyu raises an eyebrow, but otherwise stays silent. There's no point in showing his worry, or him telling the CEO it's a fucking bad idea.

He won't change his mind. Everything from the concept to the location of the MV filming has probably already been decided. Myungsoo's health is important to Woollim, sure, but it only comes after Woollim's interest. They're employees of the label and their main mission is to bring money to the company, after all. It's a sad truth that's easy to forget when you're living the life you've always dreamt about but Sunggyu has stopped being fooled years before his depression had even hit.

"That's why you brought me here, sajang-nim?" The irony behind his words isn't lost on anyone. "What can I do for this project?" He adds quickly, still too polite and respectful to openly be rude and hoping this will ease the atmosphere.

More than once, he had wanted to oppose the plans Woollim had for them but his gratefulness for the man who had trusted him, trusted them with his whole savings had won. Some had called him whipped, but he called himself loyal.

"Nothing. You can do nothing," Jung Yeop replies, his tone devoid of irony or foul intentions. It's just the plain truth and somehow, it makes it sound even worse to Sunggyu's ears. "Sunggyu," he says more softly, getting up to stand next to the idol and putting a hand on his shoulder. "It could have been you. I wanted it to be you. We had great plans..."

A sigh is heard in the room. Sunggyu doesn't know if it's his or the CEO's. He had his suspicions that plans for his third solo release had been put on hold, but he had foolishly thought of it being a matter of waiting for the right time. Not that. He should have known better, though.

"Sunggyu," the CEO starts again and Sunggyu looks up at him, his lips in a straight line that makes him look somber. "Why Myungsoo?" Sunggyu interrupts, fingers bunched on the hem of his hoodie. "He's exhausted and this is just going to―”

"We're doing it for INFINITE," Jung Yeop explains, moving back to stand in front of the large window of his office. "You guys need to keep your name out there. By all means. Dongwoo is getting out in a few weeks but it won't work and Sungjong... Sungjong has a better pinch than Myungsoo but he has no musical identity. He will be torn apart. Myungsoo," he pauses and looks at Sunggyu straight in the eye, almost daring him to say he's wrong, "has everything. The face, a decent voice and an acoustic style that would suit him. It's our only option."

"I will―”

"Don't say you'll do it. We have waited for you, Sunggyu-yah. You've been back for a year now." Jung Yeop runs a hand over his face, "I would have picked you, we're taking a risk here."

Sunggyu clenches his fingers tighter on his hoodie. It's not about talent, not even really about getting their name out there. It's about money and image and they both know that Myungsoo is going to be torn apart at the littlest mistake he will make, at the first off-key note he hits. Sunggyu feels sick at the pressure put on Myungsoo's shoulders. He feels even sicker when it hits him that it's his fault.

"We won't let Myungsoo down." Of course not, there's too much to lose. They can't risk it.

"Why am I here again?" He asks for the second time.

"You're still working for Woollim, Sunggyu-yah. We need you back at your best. Leave Seoul and don't come back until you've found yourself again." Sunggyu sees concern and something darker in the older's eyes and he looks away. "Whatever is happening, you need to fix it."

The CEO gives him his back and the discussion is over for him. Sunggyu doesn't lose time to exit the stuffy office and once the door has closed behind him, he leans against it and takes a deep breath.

There's only one direction he can follow now ― the one that gets him out the hole his mind has buried itself in. He just hopes he can find all the pieces of himself he's lost on the way.

-

Haeundae beach1 is still as beautiful as he remembers it.

Sunggyu has been driving across Korea for thirteen weeks now, doing all the things he never had the time to do while touring the country with the guys. He had discovered all he had thought he knew, all the sceneries of Korea he had only seen in geography textbooks.

He has been enjoying himself, and finds himself getting better. It's not much, but he's having fun singing along to Nell's music blasting in the van he's rented or trying to learn how to play the guitar he bought on a whim in Jeju-do. Music hasn't wholly taken him back yet but it's only a question of time now.

He stares at the sun that’s slowly starting to rise and brings the bottle of makgeolli he had been nursing for the past hour to his lips. The rice wine burns slowly in his throat, keeping him awake as he stares at the pink and yellow sky.

The waves crashing down on the sand and the sun rising behind them are a beautiful sight. Myungsoo would have liked it, he thinks as he takes another sip of his drink.

Maybe, he should call him. They haven't been in touch since he departed from Seoul, save for a congratulation text over the younger's solo release. Sunggyu had wanted to call him, his fingers looming over the the call button more than once but the pressure he would've put on the other's shoulders had held him back.

The alcohol running in his veins makes the decision for him and he stares blankly at the ringing phone in his hand. It's close to 8:30 A.M. and there's no way Myungsoo will take the call. Sunggyu had checked the fancafé two days ago, trying to keep track of his members in one way or another. Myungsoo has an outdoor recording today, and he's probably all sleepy-eyed and trying to catch some sleep between two takes.

Sunggyu smiles at the image in his mind, slightly jumping when Myungsoo's voice on his answering machine greets him. He's tempted to hang up the call but it's too late, anyway, and he takes a deep breath.

"Myungsoo-yah," he starts softly before clearing his throat and starting again, "Soo-yah... Happy new year." A new decade is starting and he blinks as he realizes that it has been close to twelve years since their debut. He's thirty three now and the days of his youth seem long gone. "You're thirty now..." he says softly, almost afraid. It's almost time. "Should I start calling you old, too?" He lets out a laugh, before continuing, "You're scrunching up your nose now, aren't you? Don't do that~ Ah... I hope you aren't too upset I didn't contact you sooner. I'm in Haeundae now. You remember the time we all came here?"

The had all fooled around on the beach, Sungjong and Sungyeol teaming up to bury a sleeping Dongwoo in the sand. Woohyun and Hoya had played in the water and Myungsoo had been playing his guitar before they had all come together to sing a few songs around the bonfire. It had been brief but the sweet taste of a break between packed schedules had left them energized for months afterwards.

"We sang a lot that night, I think we all went off-key at some point... but I still think that it was the alcohol. Who buys cheap beers like this, eh?" He rolls his eyes as he remembered the two cheap packs that Woohyun had dumped on his lap, lukewarm and tasting like piss. They had still all drunk it, minus Sungjong. "It was really terrible, yeah."

A chuckle slips past his lips. "Anyway, I'm good, I think... I don't know, really. I'm drinking makgeolli on an early morning so... I would've shared but since you can't handle it, it's all for me." He laughs under his breath at that and pauses for a few seconds.

"Maybe, I look a bit pathetic right now. I met an old fan a few weeks ago, she introduced me to her six year old son as her first love." His stomach had hurt from laughing too much that day. Even now, he snorts as he remembers the scene and the way she had looked at him sheepishly. "Made me realize how much time has passed since we've started. All that we have gone through and... Everything that I can't let go of."

He closes his eyes to keep his emotions in check. Waves are starting to caress his bare feet and he figures he should leave soon but he doesn't want to, doesn't want to stop talking to Myungsoo either.

"Hey Soo-yah... I got a guitar. A Martin2 one as you always talked about them." He glances at the guitar lying on the sand next to him. "I think all your lessons are finally going to pay off. Wait―"

He puts his phone on speaker, puts it on his lap before grabbing the guitar. He starts strumming a few random chords and clears his throat.

"Can't you hold me?" He starts, the familiar lyrics of I Need You being the first song he thinks of. "Can't you you hold my hand? I need you now... I need you now..."

He tries not to cringe at him being slightly out of tune and he laughs. "Hey Soo-yah... You should also hear this."

Sunggyu starts singing again, a single line that reminds so much of him, of them.

He just hopes that Myungsoo will understand.

어두운 내 앞을 환하게 비춰주길 바랬었던.3

-

Sunggyu is sitting by the banks of Han river, taking in the calm of the night. He's been back in Seoul for an hour now, heading straight for their spot at the river. Going back to either the dorms or the office had felt too final and he had felt nervous about it. Instead, he has texted Myungsoo ― a cryptic message with only a picture of their spot and had decided to wait.

Someone clears their throat beside him and he turns his head, smiling softly at the man moving to sit next to him. "So you're also into photography now?"

Sunggyu laughs, humming softly. "You can say that, yeah. I―" Oh, well. He hadn't planned to show them to him now, and maybe never but there's something in the younger's gaze that makes Sunggyu want to give him everything. He reaches for his bag next to him, grabbing the DSLR camera inside it.

"Isn't this the―"

Sunggyu nods, pushing on a few buttons quickly. "Yeah, the same as yours. I remembered the name and didn't know what to pick so..." He smiles sheepishly, rubbing his neck before shoving the camera between the both of them.

Myungsoo laughs, eyes crinkling at the corners as he leans closer and starts going through the dozens of pictures. "This one is pretty, hyung. I liked what you did with the saturation and the lighting is really good."

"It was just luck, Myungsoo-yah. I haven't thought about it at all."

Myungsoo reddens a bit, "Should have figured. Your pictures are still nice though."

They continue scrolling through the pictures together, laughing as Sunggyu recounts his adventures. "This halmeoni thought I was flirting with her but I swear I wasn't. She was creepy and she wanted to hug me but I couldn't―” Sunggyu stops talking when he notices Myungsoo isn't even listening to him .

Myungsoo's eyes are focused on a picture and Sunggyu wonders what could have captured his interest. He leans closer again to take a look at the camera screen and a shaky breath escapes his lips when he notices the picture Myungsoo has been staring at.

A bottle of makgeolli half-buried in the sand next to his guitar and waves almost licking at them.

Myungsoo speaks first. "I listened to it everyday. Your message. I missed you, Gyu hyung." His eyes are looking straight in front of him, at the Yonghwa bridge and the Han river illuminated by the moonlight. "I really missed you."

Sunggyu smiles at him and drags the other into a hug. The camera between them digs into his side but he doesn't care, instead relishing in the moment. Myungsoo still smells the same, musky with a hint of baby powder and in that instant, Sunggyu finally feels at home.

They stay like this for a few minutes, until he draws back and grabs the camera to show Myungsoo what he wants to say.

"This," he shows him a picture of a clock, the bright red digit showing "00:00", "was the moment when your album was released and this," the picture is of a small CD shop in Gwangju, "is where I bought your album. On the first day, you know."

Sunggyu proceeds to show him dozens of other pictures ― a plate of kimchi jjigae, a kitten that had snuggled on his lap, two shôjo mangas sticking out from his bag. All the little things that had reminded Sunggyu of him.

"I missed you too, Soo-yah," Sunggyu says, sounding a bit nervous. "So much."

They both stay silent, and Sunggyu shivers. It's late February and the nights are still chilly. His thin white tee and leather jacket don't protect him much. Myungsoo, with his long coat and black scarf, is barely handling the cold biting at their skin. "We should go back to the dorm."

"Yeah, we should. Dongwoo hyung and Sungjong will be happy to see you, hyung."

Sunggyu puts the camera back in his bag and gets up. The rest of his things are in the van he has parked near their apartment complex and as they get up and start walking, he figures he will get it tomorrow.

"I liked your songs," Sunggyu finally says, hands in his jacket's pockets. "I'm happy it worked out for you, Soo-yah."

"Only because of you, hyung."

Sunggyu snorts. "I wasn't even there, Myungsoo."

"You weren't physically but," Myungsoo taps lightly on his temple, "you were here, hyung. You are always here. So, don't forget about me, hyung."

"Soo―"

"It's finally my time, hyung. Being thirty and all that..."

Sunggyu closes his eyes, taking a deep breath he doesn't realize he has been holding. "I'm enlisting in three weeks. I just..."

Myungsoo doesn't continue, and they walk in silence until they reach the door of the dorm.

"Soo-yah," Sunggyu starts, looking at him with fondness, "I couldn't not think of you even if I tried."

He opens the door quickly after that and enters, not looking back at the man standing behind him.

He's standing up on his own now, and this was another step on the road of recovery. Myungsoo is his light and the younger has to know it.

He just hopes he hasn't ruined everything.

-

It has been exactly three years and a half since Sunggyu has last seen Nam Woohyun. It’s funny, Sunggyu thinks as he looks at the freshly discharged man, how time can pass and not change anything.

Sunggyu had hoped for a sign ―even a simple smile or look thrown his way― to get the courage to make the first step but Woohyun is apparently not going to make it easy for him. It’s alright, he will just work harder to mend what should have been so long ago.

“Welcome back,” he says softly when he manages to corner Woohyun alone. "Thanks," Woohyun replies, not bothering to look at him and Sunggyu refrains himself from sighing. He's deserving it, has even expected it and he won't let himself be defeated. "Woohyun-ah," he calls as Woohyun is almost out of the kitchen, "let's talk."

He's not sure he’s ready but he might as well never be and it’s time ― time to mend his friendship with the one he had wronged and hurt the most. Woohyun doesn’t try to escape the kitchen and steps back to lean against the kitchen counter with an emotion in his eyes that Sunggyu doesn’t manage to properly decipher. He chooses to believe is relief and hopes he won't be proven wrong. “I don’t need apologies,” Woohyun ends up saying, his eyes not leaving Sunggyu's.

Sunggyu hums. "I wasn't planning on giving you one," he says simply. It doesn't come off as biting, just as a mere fact and Woohyun nods, running a hand through his short strands of hair. Sunggyu almost feels back for cornering him on the day of his release. Almost.

"I don't know if I can make you understand why I left," Sunggyu starts, raising a hand as he notices Woohyun opening his mouth, "I don't think I can because I don't think I have really understood it myself."

"You can start by trying," Woohyun suggests, sending him a smile. It's not much but then again it's more than again and Sunggyu smiles back before getting serious again.

"I don't know remember which day it was. We were all hanging backstage and everyone was either sleeping, talking or just being as we always were, you know and suddenly we were rushed on stage and I realized I didn't want to." He takes a deep breath before he continues, "It was sudden, just a thought that disappeared in a flash but suddenly, it was everywhere."

"Hyung―"

"Let me finish," Sunggyu requests, nodding briefly in thanks as Woohyun falls silent again. He doesn't think he will able to explain everything if he stops now. "Suddenly, these thoughts were everywhere. I couldn't wake up without thinking I might have made a wrong choice, couldn't get on stage and enjoy it, couldn't sleep at night without wanting to quit."

His voice is so quavery he stops talking for a few minutes and when he starts again, the tremors in his voice are still somewhat audible. Neither comment on them, there are better subjects to discuss. "It was crazy, I was crazy and I just felt fucking trapped―"

"You could have talked to us, hyung. We have always known you were burdened by responsibilities you thought you had to carry alone but INFINITE isn't a one man band. We are seven and it's not right of you to keep us out of things that concern us."

Sunggyu rubs a hand on his face. He knows the other is right. For so long, he had tried to protect INFINITE from everything threatening to even realize that he was the one he should have protected them from.

"I know," he confesses, "but what would have changed? Words wouldn't have helped, Woohyun-ah. I wasn't ready to hear them. I wanted to quit and at the same time, I didn't. I couldn't―can't― do that to you guys. Enlisting was the only way I thought of to get a break."

"I see. Hyung, you should have told us. We could have avoided―" Woohyun gestures between the two of them and Sunggyu closes his eyes, sighing tiredly. They could have avoided this cold war and all these unsaid feelings that had driven them apart faster than any hurtful truth could have. “You discarded us by leaving without explaining, you turned what we shared into nothing. What’s the point of calling us your brothers if you can’t trust us? You have refused our support, didn't let us repay you what you did for us... When Sungyeol hit that slump and thought about leaving― when Hoya's ankle got so bad we weren't even sure he could dance again-- when I was so low only being on stage kept me sane―" Woohyun takes a deep breath, his arms now limp by his sides. "You were the one who held us together and helped us. Whether it was giving Yeollie singing lessons or plead to sajang-nim to let Hoya rest, you did it... but you didn't let us do the same for you and that hurt."

Sunggyu slumps down on a chair, putting his head between his hands. He hadn't thought about what they could feel, too focused on deciding for them rather than with them. He had tried to take the best decision ―the best for them― that he hadn't noticed any decision taken alone would be painless. "Fuck, that's not what I wanted. You know that, right?"

"Yeah," Woohyun confirms. "But even if you wanted to quit back then," Woohyun starts again, "even if you want to quit now," he corrects himself, "it's alright. It has been twelve years now, hyung. You have given us enough... We can stand on our own. We," he pauses, chewing on his lower lip before he pushes on, "don't need to stand in your shadow anymore. You don't need to think of us first as we don't think of you to take our decision anymore."

"I have realized that now," Sunggyu replies. He’s conscious they don't need him anymore to bring them to their best. They aren't the little boys who once needed guidance and someone to hold them together. His duties as a leader don't feel as heavy as they once did and somehow, he discovers that he can breathe more easily. "I'm... going to be Kim Sunggyu from now on. I will try." The one that won't call you brothers while isolating himself from his family.

"Good," Woohyun says as he moves past him to leave the room, squeezing his shoulder in the process. "Hyung," Woohyun calls suddenly, turning back to look at Sunggyu straight in the eyes. Sunggyu looks back, an eyebrow raised in question and Woohyun smiles slightly. "Even if you leave, INFINITE will always be seven. Don't forget that."

-

"Hyung, can I talk to you for a moment?" Myungsoo asks, his right hand smoothing the creases of his Air Force uniform.

"Sure, let's go to my room," Sunggyu proposes, directing the both of them towards the third door on the left. Woollim had gotten a new unit in Mecenat Indianapolis after Dongwoo's discharge and he had moved with him, as did Hoya after his own discharge three months after Sunggyu had came back. "The guys are going to come after us soon though. You're the main attraction of the day."

Myungsoo shrugs, "They can deal with it. I will come back again once I get another day off-duty."

"They haven't seen you in five months. Can’t blame them for wanting to hang out with you," Sunggyu retorts, grinning.

"You seem to be happy, hyung," The younger says, looking at his leader up and down. Sunggyu has changed, not physically, but the smile and light in his eyes that had been missing for so long was back. "I was right that night. The hyungs are back and all is the same as before..."

"It's not, Soo-yah." Sunggyu sits down on his bed, his hand gesturing to the spot next to him. Myungsoo settles next to him, and Sunggyu continues, "It's not because you're not here. The guys... It's nice being with them but we have changed."

He pauses for a few minutes, wonders if the things he thinks about should be said out loud. "I don't want this anymore, Soo-ah," he whispers, looking in front of him to avoid the onyx eyes that are trying to catch his own. "But the guys need a leader and I can't betray them again. I’ve been INFINITE's Sunggyu for over a decade now... Can I ever be someone else?" He shakes his head, "The sasaengs, the dancing, I want my music to be different now."

Myungsoo nods and scoots closer to Sunggyu, putting a hand on the older's thigh. "I'm not so sure I want this either, Gyu hyung. I like the force and being praised for something else than my face." Sunggyu pets Myungsoo's hand before dropping his hand into his lap again. This had never changed. Myungsoo had gotten better reviews, better roles, songs of his own but his looks had continued to be praised before anything else, putting his hard work on the backburner. "I even learned how to fly, Gyu hyung!"

Myungsoo hadn't hesitated because deciding to enroll into active duty and his stationnement in the Air Force after his exceptional results at the training facility had pleased him greatly. Sunggyu had been proud as well, and the happiness on Myungsoo's face was all he ever wanted to see.

Myungsoo grins at him so brightly that Sunggyu wonders if his heart has skipped a beat. "I don't want to get through life by relying on my looks again."

"I like you for more than your face, Soo-yah."

"Because you're my leader."

"Because I'm a man," Sunggyu corrects and this time, he grabs Myungsoo's hand firmly in his. "Soo-yah, I'm just a man looking at another man."

"Hyung―"

"For years, I've been the leader of an idol group, afraid of my feelings but now... I'm Kim Sunggyu talking to Kim Myungsoo, so trust me."

"I have always trusted you, hyung," Myungsoo smiles brightly at him and Sunggyu doesn't know where this discussion will bring them or if it will even bring them somewhere but there's no risk in trying, in opening up. His feelings might not be reciprocated and he doesn't ask for them to be. What Sunggyu wants is for his light, for the one who brought him back to his feet to know that he's wholly his.

"Soo-yah, let's make a promise. Once you will be out... Let's figure out our future together. Let's start over as Kim Myungsoo and Kim Sunggyu."

Myungsoo stands up and walks towards the door in quick strides. Sunggyu has never been this nervous in his life but it's okay. He's strong, he's strong, he's strong.

Myungsoo turns back, staring directly into his eyes as he holds a hand out.

Sunggyu takes it.

-

Two dozens of fans and a few reporters are waiting behind him and Sunggyu smiles as he imagines Myungsoo's face of shock and resignation when he gets past the gates.

He had pleaded Woollim for a calm discharge and for only his family and close friends to be there. Woollim hadn't listened, claiming that it would be great press for the band and himself. Good press, Myungsoo had said to him over the phone, that he couldn't care less about.

"He's not going to be happy," Myungsoo's mom says calmly next to him, confirming his thoughts. Only she had been able to come, Moonsoo unable to take a leave of absence from his job as an accountant.

"I guess not," Sunggyu confirms, "but he will still greet them and pretend he is."

They both laugh before squeals and screams attract their attentions to the gate. Myungsoo is there looking proper and pristine in his navy blue.

He's there, Sunggyu realizes, he's there saluting the people who waited for him and fellow comrades. Kim Myungsoo.

And he holds his promise, him, Kim Sunggyu.

He's there, too and as Myungsoo looks over and stares at him with that secret smile of his, Sunggyu feels better than he has ever been in years.

Everything is going to be alright, he thinks, as he's going to continue following his light, as he won't let Myungsoo go.

Music is the one that let him live. Kim Myungsoo is the one who helped him survive.

Now, he has both.

He feels alive again.

1 A beach located at the southeast end of the city of Busan. INFINITE recorded Paradise’s Hidden Track (“In the summer”) there, in 2011.
2 C.F. Martin & Company is a US guitar manufacturer.
3 ”That light that was brightly shining the dark path in front of me, I wished for it to be you” (Kim Sunggyu - 41 Days)