(no subject)
How did I lose sight of everything?
I can still remember being a child and talking to Jesse and Kinlee religiously. . .We shared in each other's dreams. I went to Georgia one year and felt like I could not breathe without Jesse there. . .In seventh grade, Kinlee and I had the last real conversation we were to have for years, and I remember it word for word. Stu and I used to spend every second we could together and email each other multiple times a night until nothing was left but gibberish. . .They are the three that meant the most to me growing up. . .And what has become of us now? I have felt like such an outsider in their company for years. . .And now, living at Neil's house, I am included in a few more gatherings. . .But it is still awkward. Perhaps it is my fault, my doing, that made them view me with a wary eye. I thought I had gotten Jesse back, we were having such wonderful conversations there for a blissful short while. . .Then it shattered, and I do not even know if I can face him Saturday. . .Be at Neil's party pretending I belong and pretending that it does not bother me that I am ignored. I dread Jamie being there; she outshines me completely, and when she comes, I will go from being ignored to no longer existing to them. Then there is Wit, whose quiet presence has been in my life for a surprisingly long time, and I do to him what the others do to me. I have lost so much, so many people that I find I still need in my life. . .All I have is this family now, this place, and perhaps the only friendship I still have from the old group is with Wit. And I hesitate to get closer to Neil, to Wit. . .To try to mend things fully between the others and myself. . .Because, well, I cannot guarantee that I will not fade away, leave this family one day and disappear from all their lives for a long time. I am an anti-social creature at heart, but I do not want to be alone now, I am tired of being lonely. . .The day will come, however, that I will need to be alone again. Maybe they know that well enough and that is why they cannot stand to take me into the heart of their circle now.
I am, in truth, a terrible person. . .I do not deserve them. . .But I want to. I want to have some worth in the eyes that I find most worthy. Why this badly formed rant? Maybe it is from Jesse breaking my heart. . .Maybe it is from reading their livejournals and knowing that I do not cross their thoughts as they cross mine. I lost them, I lost sight of everything, and I lost myself. I cannot have my old life back and I cannot bear to move on and find a new one yet. I tire of having this will to die, to hurt myself; though it is inescapable. I tire of trying to make things better when they always just come crashing down the moment I find happiness; though that is inevitable.
On a like thread of thought, I miss Russ. . .I miss all the others that became my friends when the friends of my childhood turned away. . .But I find I cannot commit to Gary and that circle any more than the trinity can commit to me. Russ really needs to visit soon, though I do not know how much good two people who suffer so much can do for each other.
I do not think I have felt this hopeless in a long time.
I can still remember being a child and talking to Jesse and Kinlee religiously. . .We shared in each other's dreams. I went to Georgia one year and felt like I could not breathe without Jesse there. . .In seventh grade, Kinlee and I had the last real conversation we were to have for years, and I remember it word for word. Stu and I used to spend every second we could together and email each other multiple times a night until nothing was left but gibberish. . .They are the three that meant the most to me growing up. . .And what has become of us now? I have felt like such an outsider in their company for years. . .And now, living at Neil's house, I am included in a few more gatherings. . .But it is still awkward. Perhaps it is my fault, my doing, that made them view me with a wary eye. I thought I had gotten Jesse back, we were having such wonderful conversations there for a blissful short while. . .Then it shattered, and I do not even know if I can face him Saturday. . .Be at Neil's party pretending I belong and pretending that it does not bother me that I am ignored. I dread Jamie being there; she outshines me completely, and when she comes, I will go from being ignored to no longer existing to them. Then there is Wit, whose quiet presence has been in my life for a surprisingly long time, and I do to him what the others do to me. I have lost so much, so many people that I find I still need in my life. . .All I have is this family now, this place, and perhaps the only friendship I still have from the old group is with Wit. And I hesitate to get closer to Neil, to Wit. . .To try to mend things fully between the others and myself. . .Because, well, I cannot guarantee that I will not fade away, leave this family one day and disappear from all their lives for a long time. I am an anti-social creature at heart, but I do not want to be alone now, I am tired of being lonely. . .The day will come, however, that I will need to be alone again. Maybe they know that well enough and that is why they cannot stand to take me into the heart of their circle now.
I am, in truth, a terrible person. . .I do not deserve them. . .But I want to. I want to have some worth in the eyes that I find most worthy. Why this badly formed rant? Maybe it is from Jesse breaking my heart. . .Maybe it is from reading their livejournals and knowing that I do not cross their thoughts as they cross mine. I lost them, I lost sight of everything, and I lost myself. I cannot have my old life back and I cannot bear to move on and find a new one yet. I tire of having this will to die, to hurt myself; though it is inescapable. I tire of trying to make things better when they always just come crashing down the moment I find happiness; though that is inevitable.
On a like thread of thought, I miss Russ. . .I miss all the others that became my friends when the friends of my childhood turned away. . .But I find I cannot commit to Gary and that circle any more than the trinity can commit to me. Russ really needs to visit soon, though I do not know how much good two people who suffer so much can do for each other.
I do not think I have felt this hopeless in a long time.