The Wreckoning

[maxineeden]

Title: The Wreckoning
Author: Maxine Eden
Era/season/setting: Early S6
Rating: NC-17

Beta: goodbyetoyou



"How can you just act like nothing happened, Buffy?" Dawn screamed at her. "Like that whole time meant nothing!"

"Dawn. You don't understand. What happened when we were away wasn't supposed to follow us back here, okay?"

Dawn stomped up the stairs, pausing midway. "I saw you, Buffy. I watched you fall in love with him. It's just mean and heartless what you're doing now. You don't deserve him if you're going to be like this!"

"Dawn," Buffy said quietly. "It's what we agreed on. Spike and I agreed it would be like this, okay? I need you to understand that."

"That's bullshit!" Dawn screamed at her again, crying and stomping her feet. "It's bullshit. He loves you and I know you love him. And it's just stupid to be like this, Buffy. Coming back here was wrong. All it did was mess things up again."

Buffy smiled weakly, swallowing her pride at Dawn's reminder of how truly fucked up things had been since they'd come back. "Maybe. But I can't stop my calling. I'm needed here."

"Forget your calling. For once, put yourself first, Buffy."

"I wish I could, Dawn. I wish I could."

They'd been back for a few weeks now, the hole in her heart growing bigger the more she kept her distance from Spike. Buffy wished she could let Dawn know how much it truly did hurt, but she had to be strong not only for her sister, but for herself. It was easier this way.

"I'm gonna go see Giles, do you want me to make you something to eat before I go?"

"I'm not hungry. I'm going to Spike's."

"Dawn. I wish you'd leave him alone."

Dawn marched back down the stairs, glaring at Buffy. "He doesn't want to be left alone. He's hurting, Buffy. Maybe you're not, maybe you're just fine with all of this, but he's devastated."

Before Buffy could protest, Dawn was gone. She wasn't fine. She was anything but fine. She did miss him terribly. She missed falling asleep with his arms wrapped around her in seedy motel beds, how he'd whisper compliments in her ear just loud enough for Dawn to hear and tell them to get a room. She missed his laugh and the way his eyes would sparkle when he looked at her. She missed the unknown, how they'd pick their next stop based upon a certain letter in the alphabet.

There were a lot of things Buffy missed, so much that thinking about all of them made her cry. How were things so much simpler running away than staying here and facing them?

***

"I have to get out of here. I can't be in Sunnydale any more. It's too hard. I have to. I have to leave."

Spike's eyes widened for a second before he composed himself. "Go where?"

"I don't know! Don't you have a car? Can't you just get me out of here? Just drive. I just can't do this anymore Spike. I feel like I'm losing my mind. It's hard. It's too hard to be here. It's too hard to-. To be alive." She sobbed, falling on her knees in front of him. Not even caring that he saw her at her weakest point.

The only person who seemed to understand her was him. He'd been there before. Had died and come back. Granted, he hadn't been in heaven like she had, but he knew what it was like.

Knew what it was like to wake up in a dark box, six feet underground. Gasping for air. Panicking. Unknown fear surrounding her as she struggled to breathe. As life was forced back into her. She didn't want to be back. Didn't want to wake up in that box. Didn't want to have to tell herself she needed to get out to survive. To find peace again because she'd had it. Within her grasp. Finally.

And it was all ripped away in an instant. Every regret was forced back into her body. Each painful memory cracking her ribs as her chest heaved with each breath coming back to life. Every bit of heartbreak thrumming through her as the blood rushed back into her. She knew she wasn't in heaven anymore. Why wasn't she in heaven anymore?

As the air in the coffin grew more and more constricted, her breathing slowed down as she realized she might actually die again if she didn't get out of the box. She knew she had to claw her way out. Nothing was near her. No weapons, no remnants of her past life she could use to help her. Nothing. Only her hands. She scratched at the fabric inside of the box realizing it shredded easily, but that was the only part that was simple.

It took too long to finally make it through the wooden box. Even longer to dig her way upwards as dirt kept falling in her face, into her open mouth as she gasped, trying to find air. Something. Anything. So she didn't die again. She pushed her way up. Clawing. Her fingers were raw by the time she felt the grass in her grasp, heaving herself out of the dirt and onto the ground where she waited for it to end. The pain. It never stopped though.

Never stopped until she saw him, standing at the bottom of the stairs looking like he had seen the ghost she felt like she was. A fragment of the person who only walked the earth a mere few months ago. That felt like a lifetime ago. Spike knew what had happened. Knew the minute he saw her knuckles - scratched, bloody, swollen. Knew she'd clawed her way out of the grave. Did it himself, he said. Remembered it. Never forgot it.

Buffy knew she'd never forget it either.

That's why when she knew she needed to get out of town - to leave - to give herself the chance to escape the pain she felt every single moment, she knew Spike would be the only one willing to help her.

Everyone else thought she'd been in a hell dimension. That she was miserable wherever she was but the truth was that she was miserable here. In Sunnydale.

"Where are we going to go?" He finally asked, collecting her in his arms to set her down on the dingy chair in his crypt. It seemed more comfortable than on the floor where they'd been while he held her until her body stopped shaking.

"Anywhere, but here." Buffy finally answered.

Spike nodded. "Yeah. Gonna have to travel at night though. Vampire and all."

Buffy wiped her nose on the sleeve of her shirt. "That's fine. It'll give me and Dawn time to pack."

Of course she was bringing Dawn. She couldn't leave her. Not again.

At first, Dawn was scared when Buffy told her to pack a bag. She thought she was being sent to their dad's. That Buffy didn't want her there anymore. But when she found out they were going on a road trip, she got excited. Even more excited when she found out Spike was going. It was the first smile she'd seen on Dawn's face that reached her eyes since she returned. Buffy knew that look. She felt it too when her heart stopped hurting, if only for a few minutes.

***

Buffy debated going to the cemetery to collect Dawn. It was pretty late. She had school tomorrow. But she knew she'd see Spike when she went there and didn't know if she was quite ready to see him yet. Since they'd been back to Sunnydale, Buffy had spent her time - all of it - with her friends and Giles.

Spike kept out of her way when she was in the cemetery like they agreed, but she missed him. She missed seeing him, talking to him, laughing with him. Stealing kisses as they drove down dark highways, her hand on his lap. How they'd 'shower together' to save more hot water for Dawn, even though they ended up taking twice as long in there leaving her with cold water anyway. How each and every day was a new adventure. Another step closer to healing herself through the person she never thought possible. Another day she learned to accept the life she had been given back. Be a bit gentler with herself. Not only fall in love with herself again, but with him too. Slowly at first. Then, like a waterfall it came all at once. Whispered one night when she thought he was sleeping.

***

They'd come back from a truck stop diner to the motel. Dawn had stuffed herself on pancakes while Buffy had wolfed down a burger, fries and a milkshake. Spike watched the two of them, a look on his face reserved only for Buffy when she did something that amazed him.

This time, the look was a bit different she realized. It looked like love. He didn't say anything though. Just watched amused as they ate while he sipped a styrofoam cup of blood. When they returned to the motel, Dawn passed out immediately from her food coma while Spike and Buffy stayed up talking about their next stop.

He kissed her on the forehead before she drifted off to sleep, awakening her with his brief touch. "I love you," she murmured sleepily. When her eyes flew open, she saw his were closed. He must've not heard her.

But he did. Because he whispered it back to her the next night.

***

She did love him still. It was impossible to stop, but she had to. For everyone's sake - their own included. Coming back to Sunnydale meant she had to face her duties as the Slayer. She couldn't ignore it anymore.

It was one thing to do that when they'd all run away, but the guilt of shirking her responsibilities won out after she heard Giles had been injured pretty terribly trying to fight evil in her place. He'd recovered, mostly, by the time they returned, but it became another thing in her life that Buffy added to the stuff she fucked up. It seemed as if that list was growing daily.

It was so much easier to not worry about lists and whose heart was more broken if she just focused on the simple task of being a Slayer. On the daily, she went about life as if she had nothing else to care about except fighting demons and vampires. She spent her days at the Magic Box and nights in the cemeteries dusting whoever crossed her path.

Her friends had mostly accepted her disappearance as a natural reaction to being brought back from a hell dimension. Buffy still didn't have the heart to tell them she was in Heaven. Again, it made things easier. The less they knew, the less they'd question her, which meant the less she'd have to lie to her friends and herself.

The clock in the dining room chimed. Buffy counted twelve times before getting up, knowing Dawn was staying there so late on purpose. So she would be forced to come and get her. And so, she'd have to see Spike. Reminding herself to give that kid a lecture after she dragged her out of his crypt, Buffy shrugged on her jacket and took off towards Restfield when she was hit with another memory.

***

Spike was sitting on the plastic chair outside smoking a cigarette, when Buffy shut the door to the room, joining him on another plastic chair.

"We have to go back," she said.

Spike took a long drag of his cigarette. "Had a feeling you'd say that."

"Spike.. people are getting hurt. The people I love are getting hurt because I'm here running away from everything I should be facing."

"Buffy, what about you? Do they even know what they did to you? Where you were?" Spike took another drag before flicking his cigarette out into the parking lot and staring over at Buffy with those deep blue eyes. The ocean she'd fallen into, weeks ago, letting herself be saved by him. Without even knowing he'd done that for her.

Maybe they'd saved each other in a way. It certainly felt like that sometimes from the things Spike had shared with her. How much more relaxed he'd become. How gentle he was with her.

"You've helped me heal, Spike. You know that." Buffy reached for his hand, bringing it to her lips to kiss his palm. "You've done more for me than I could've asked for."

Spike reached over with his other hand to caress her cheek. "I love you."

She covered his hand with hers, smiling at him. "I love you."

"It's not enough, is it? This isn't enough for you?" He finally asked, their hands still entwined, still touching each other. Trying to figure out a way to make sense of this for both of them. Avoid the pain they knew was inevitable.

"Spike.." Buffy said gently. "Being with you is more than enough. But I'm a Slayer. I can't change that. You know that."

"I know I've never seen you more at peace than I have these last few weeks. A true smile on your face. Blissfully unaware of the burden of that job. Truly free, Buffy."

"And again, Spike, I couldn't have done this without you. I couldn't have gotten here without you. Couldn’t have healed without you. You saved me."

Spike thumbed over her lips as she spoke those words. "You saved me, too."

Before Buffy could say anything else, he ducked his head to kiss her, sliding his tongue into her mouth, fevered and rough. As if he was trying to change her mind with his kisses. It seemed to work because as he pulled her onto his lap, Buffy was whining, grinding herself against him, tugging at the hem of his shirt. Biting his earlobe and whispering in his ear that she had the keys in her back pocket to the car.

They slipped away from the plastic chairs, running hand in hand down the metal stairs to the parking lot where the car awaited them. Spike fumbled with the lock, dropping the keys on the ground, much to Buffy's dismay, before he finally unlocked the driver-side door, pushing her inside. Once inside, she climbed into the backseat before Spike joined her there.

Thank god for vampires and black painted windows, Buffy thought to herself. They quickly fogged up the few sections of visible glass that allowed Spike to see out of if they ever drove during the day time. Buffy unbuckled his pants as he nipped her neck, sinking his blunt teeth into the hollow of her throat that he claimed as her sweet spot. Could get her to do anything for him if he kissed her there, he declared.

His hands kneaded her breasts, massaging them, pinching her nipple through her shirt before that too ended up discarded along with his. She gripped his length when she finally freed it from his pants, squeezing him like she knew he liked until he pushed her back onto the seat, pulling her pants down over her knees and sliding into her warmth.

The car was rocking with the thrusts of his hips as their greedy lips claimed one another's, fighting for control before Buffy was gasping out her release, his name and a whispered 'I love you' that was echoed by Spike.

He rested on top of her, kissing her gently as they both came down, knowing the inevitable was soon coming. Knowing they'd both be forced to face the uncertainty in the coming days of what their return to Sunnydale would truly mean for the both of them.

How they'd try to keep what happened during their adventure in the past. Not letting it follow them home. Trying to do their best to make it easier for both of them. Without realizing how truly heartbreaking it would be, to envision a future without their happiness as nothing more than an afterthought.

***

Buffy paused outside of Spike's crypt when she got there. She could hear the low rumble of his laughter, Dawn's shrill scream as she cried out in dismay. She imagined they were playing cards as they often did when Buffy passed by, peering in the windows to check in on Dawn.. and Spike.

It was usually best to stay away from his crypt in general. It hurt less to not see him. The pangs, the ache, the longing in her heart took too long to be silenced once she saw him. Avoiding him was easier. It was what they'd agreed upon, she tried to tell herself. They both agreed to it.

Gently pushing the door open, she stepped inside of the crypt, clearing her throat, refraining from rolling her eyes at the obvious setup.

Dawn glared at Spike before her eyes met Buffy's as she smiled. "Hi Buffy! Oh wow. It must be late if you're here. Look at that. I didn't even notice the time." She set her cards down on the table, quickly hugging Spike before pausing at the door to the crypt. "I'll see you at home, Buffy!"

Before Buffy could reply, Dawn was gone, leaving her alone with Spike in his crypt. He lit up a cigarette, stacking the cards together, shuffling them once and then putting them back in the box. It took him a minute to turn around as Buffy shifted awkwardly.

"Hey," she finally said when he turned around.

He nodded to her. "'Lo, Buffy."

She did feel pretty low seeing him now. He had dark circles around his eyes, reminiscent of the ones she knew she also had from the lack of sleep lately. It was hard to sleep without his arm around her. She spent the nights tossing and turning, thinking of him. Wishing he was wrapped around her, next to her, anything. Anything was better than the lonely ache in her chest. This empty feeling.

He must've been feeling it, too.

"How are you?" She asked cautiously. Knew it was a loaded question. He looked as badly as she knew she felt. God, what was wrong with her? She wanted to kick herself sometimes for asking such dumb questions.

"Alright. How are you?"

Buffy shrugged, kicking at a rock with her shoe. She wrapped her arms around herself self-consciously as she felt Spike's gaze boring into her. "I'm okay too."

They both knew what they said was a lie. Why were they even pretending things were okay?

"Can tell you're not." He said quietly.

Buffy glanced up. "You're not either."

"I miss you." He finally said, after what felt like a century of silence. Everything changed momentarily as his words echoed in her head, filling her heart with hope again once she heard them. She didn't know what she was doing but she crossed the room, ending up in front of him. Closer than she'd been in weeks.

It felt good. Natural. Like home.

***

It reminded her of how she fell in love with him in the first place.

It didn't happen all at once. It was slow. As a great love should be. One that didn't hold back from the waterfall rush of feelings once everything came to a head. It was something that started the minute he agreed to leave with her in the first place. That moment he decided to help her was the moment it put things in motion for them. The beginning of the inevitable.

At first, it was a look here and there. Cautious. Thankful. Reserved. Quiet looks saying more than just a simple thank you. They had an understanding with each other from that first car ride down the highway out of Sunnydale. As if they both knew how different this trip would be for them. Cathartic in a way.

But eventually words came to pass.

Soft and sweet words. Tiny compliments tucked into bigger meaningful phrases. Hidden. A distraction. Almost a game of sorts to try to figure out if Spike was flirting with her and then, if he was, what did he want?

Once she understood that all he seemed to want was her, it was hard to stop herself from wanting him too. Though, Spike seemed to have more control than Buffy. She was the one who made the first move.

They'd been sitting outside their motel room as they often did so Dawn could have some privacy. Nights typically involved Spike smoking a cigarette and Buffy drinking hot tea, quietly talking. This night was different though. Spike had brought a bottle of whiskey to drink alongside his cigarette, passing it back and forth to Buffy who got slightly more buzzed with each sip. Before long, the bottle was emptied. Before he knew what she was doing, Buffy had crawled over onto his lap and started kissing him.

Spike wasn't one to argue when a beautiful woman was on his lap demanding to be kissed, especially the slayer. He kissed her back like he’d been wanting to for weeks. He was so glad he did. Buffy tasted like sweet, dark cherries, a hint of rebellion from the whiskey and unbridled passion. He didn't know how she tucked all of those into a kiss, but she did. Unable to stop from kissing each other, their lips stayed connected to one another's for hours until Buffy's were swollen and pink from Spike nipping at her with his teeth.

That was just the beginning. They stole kisses whenever they could before Dawn eventually called them out for sneaking around, making it more obvious what they were doing. Before long, they were openly kissing in front of Dawn, holding hands while Spike drove and even sleeping in the same bed with each other.

That was another thing that just sort of happened one night. Instead of Buffy crawling in with Dawn, she pulled back the covers on Spike's bed. Their eyes met, a little bit of fear still there, but mostly understanding. Once she crawled into bed with him that night, they never spent another night sleeping apart from each other.

Inseparable is how they became. Even more so once they became physical with one another. The slow kisses, gentle touches, hesitant sleeping arrangements paved the way for a foundation between the two of them. And understanding. Solid ground where neither felt like they had to worry about walking on eggshells anymore. They felt free.

Buffy missed feeling that free.

***

"I miss you too."

The words came out so easily. Everything did around him. Hesitantly, she reached up to touch his cheek, missing the feel of his smooth, supple skin against her palm. Spike let out a puff of air, his eyes closing shut, making Buffy wonder if this was too painful for him. She knew she shouldn't be touching him, but she couldn't help herself.

There was so much unsaid between the both of them. Too many memories, wants, needs, desires. Some of them painful. Most of them just filled with longing for each other. Buffy didn’t even need to be physical with him right now. She was content enough to just be near him.

He leaned into her touch, reaching his hand to cover hers before opening his eyes and meeting hers. Dark blue mixing with the deep green. Clashing together. Like night and day except they were both creatures of the night. Made for the shadows. Maybe even made for each other.

“Buffy..” he whispered, reaching out for her. Buffy let herself be pulled closer to Spike, his other arm gently snaking around her waist. So close. Their hips were parallel. She could feel him against her chest. The steady rise and fall of his unnecessary breathing. Everything in her mind suddenly disappeared. She couldn’t think of any reason why she shouldn’t be here, before him, ready to kiss him.

Pushing forward on the tips of her toes, Buffy let her lips brush across Spike’s as she lifted her free hand to wrap around his neck, devouring him with her mouth. Greedy, needy, hungry. She felt all of it as their lips parted for their tongues to meet. Spike groaned into the kiss, wrapping his other arm around her waist to pull her impossibly closer to her, letting her feel how much he wanted her already.

How could everything with him just feel so easy? Why did it have to be so wrong? Why couldn’t they just be together?

The thoughts danced in her mind, slowly being pushed out by the swipe of his tongue against hers. A nibble on her lips. The needy, heady sounds they both made as they reveled in the first touch they had in what felt like forever.

Buffy tugged on the hem of Spike’s shirt. Suddenly, she didn’t care anymore about duty and what was wrong and what was right. How could this not be right when it made so much sense?

Spike yanked his shirt off over his head, twirling them around until he had Buffy pinned against the wall of the crypt, her arms above her head while he trailed kisses from her mouth to her jaw before finding the spot on her throat. Clutching at him, she wound her fingers in his hair, twisting his locks almost painfully as he sank his blunt teeth into her skin. Sweeping over it with his tongue before making his way down to her chest.

Her shirt came off in tatters, her chest exposed as she’d gone without a bra. The cool air in the crypt instantly hardened her nipples before Spike took one into his mouth, pinching the other as Buffy jerked slightly from the sensation that ran through her body.

“Spike..” she panted out his name, throwing her head back as he directed his attention back and forth between both of her breasts, eventually trailing lower. Sinking his teeth into her belly, causing her to giggle.

“Missed that laugh.” He pulled away from her, ducking down to kiss her lips once more before tugging on her hand, leading them to the lower level of the crypt. In a few seconds, Spike had her undressed and willing. Sliding back on the bed while he took his own pants off, joining her.

He rested on his side, next to her, stroking his hand over her curves, drinking in her appearance. In this moment, they both realized how much they missed everything. Every part of being together. Maybe.. they could find a way to be together.

Words weren’t enough, looks seemed to say more than they could both speak of. Spike dipped his hand lower on her body, in between her thighs, skimming over her entrance, circling his fingers around her clit as Buffy gasped. She pulled Spike close to her, capturing his lips in a kiss, desperate to feel more of him before he shifted, resting on top of her. Stroking her with his cock, he slowly pushed inside of her. Buffy panted against his lips as he stretched her out before coming to a rest all the way inside of her.

He rested his forehead against hers, searching her eyes. So much emotion, so much was in those deep blue eyes of his, she wanted to get lost in them forever.

She did love him. She loved him so much, she realized. Staying away from him was too painful. Too much to bear. They could do this. They’d figure out a way.

“I love you,” she gasped as he slowly started to thrust in and out of her. A broken sound left his lips at her words as he kissed her again.

“I love you.”

Buffy could feel tears springing to her eyes. Tears of happiness though, not sadness. Everything made sense with Spike. They were perfect together. Maybe he was what she was meant to find. He helped her find herself, and in finding herself, they found each other.

It was perfect. Everything was perfect. Every thrust of his hips, pushing deeper inside of her, stoking the fire that was building in her belly as she grasped for him desperately. Her hands running up and down his back, squeezing his butt, clutching his shoulders, doing everything she could to feel him closer to her. She’d pull him even more inside of her if she could. Truly make them become one.

“I’m so close, love.”

Buffy tilted her head, exposing her neck as he found that spot, sinking his teeth into her skin and sucking harshly. Sure to leave a mark. “Me too.”

They came together after a few more thrusts. The fireworks that had been building up inside of the both of them exploded around them from their shared release. The echoing crescendo of the realization that despite how truly wrecked she had once been, it had turned into an epiphany.

A reckoning.

As Spike rested on her chest, the both of them catching their breath, she caressed his cheek, kissing whatever available bit she had in front of her until she found his lips. His eyes searched hers, the answer to the unspoken question in them.

They’d find a way.

It might not be easy. They knew there would be challenges but they’d find a way to be together because it had to be better than being apart.

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