Ring of Fire 3/5
A/N: going completely AU from here; not planning a rewrite of the season even though I’ll touch on some plot points of canon.
~*~
Chapter 3
~*~
Buffy watched the helicopter as it faded from her line of sight. This time instead of feeling like she was letting her last chance at happiness fly away she felt one burden lift from her massive guilt pile. She had been right to not commit to Riley. What a jerk!
He’d come barreling back into her life with some trumped up tale about a demon of mass destruction and a weapons dealer there in Sunnydale. He’d even gone out of his way to try to frame Spike not knowing the vampire wasn’t even around to get into that kind of trouble. If that wasn’t enough he brought along a simpering ‘Stepford’ wife to rub under her nose. Perhaps she should come up with a better way of putting that when talking about Sam!
It was so obvious that he was trying to show her what she’d “thrown away” when she didn’t stop his leaving the year before. Instead he made her finally realize that it was the best thing she could have done. The big jerk was trying to punish her for not loving him and set Spike up to have her kill him at the same time!
Buffy would have to think later about just how Riley had known about her and Spike. It unsettled her that the secret trysts weren’t so secret.
She almost laughed when she remembered the look on Riley’s face when he finally got it that Spike wasn’t there to pin this crime on. They had quite a row when Buffy uncovered his plot.
“Was not being able to commit to you such a terrible crime that I deserve you coming back here to drive a knife in the wound? I told you about Angel, how devastated I was to have to run a sword through him. It should have clued you in that it would hurt if I had to dust Spike!”
She clearly saw that Riley had thought about it and deliberately chosen this revenge to counter his hurt pride. That was when the guilt fell away. If he was that insufferable then she had been lucky to have held back and let him go after all.
“You left, Riley. Mom was sick, Glory was tossing me around like a rag doll, Spike was stalking my every move and pissing you off by wanting me and yet you left. You knew my abandonment issues and still you sashayed yourself out of town and left me feeling that I was the one lacking!”
“Why should I have stayed, Buffy? You didn’t give me any reason to hope.”
Buffy snorted remembering all the times she held his hand during the whole Initiative thing and after. “Whatever! You said you loved me. If the shoe was on the other foot I would have stayed to help you with Glory and your mom at least. Okay, I get you leaving eventually but if you really loved me you picked a crap time to do it. I’d have made sure you’d be okay first.”
At least he had the grace to look sheepish even if his jaw was still set in a stubborn clinch.
“And why did you bother to come back? You’ve got your adoring wife who thinks you’re all that and a side of fries. I’ve seen how she practically worships you. What more do you want? You wanted to prove what a great catch I missed? Wanted to harass Spike?”
“Spike’s evil, Buffy. I don’t know why you let him live much less how you can do what you were doing. It’s a good thing he is gone. I promised the bloodsucker I’d stake him for real if he made moves on you.”
“And who gave you that right?” Buffy was furious.
“Someone has to take care of you since you don’t seem to do a good job of it yourself. God, Buffy, I wasn’t gone long before you died!”
“I died doing my duty, for the love of my sister you big galoot. Besides like I said, you could have been part of that battle. Spike was!”
“Is that why you gave yourself to him? Gratitude?” Riley was at his self-righteous best.
“None of your business who, what or why I do anything. You gave up that right. But for the record it wasn’t gratitude,” she shuddered inside at how very ungrateful her treatment of Spike had been given all he’d done to help both with Glory and after.
“He’s a vampire. You deserve better than that.”
She’d had this conversation before in one form or another. Why was it that everyone thought they knew what and who she deserved. Xander had thought Riley was who she deserved and that went to show how good their choices could be!
“What is it with you and with Angel? You won’t stay, you both move on but the minute you sniff out a possible replacement, a rival, you come back to mark territory? I’m nobody’s bone!”
“It’s not like that.”
“It’s exactly like that!
“But SPIKE!”
“Spike at least loves through actions not just words. What we had was maybe squirrelly and dysfunctional but it was real. Even at my most depressed I got that he was trying. He was trying to let me be myself, accepting me as I was not how he wanted me to be. I could be a bitch. I could withhold or be needy. I could be bossy or let him make the decisions … whatever. He took me as I am.”
“So where is this paragon then?”
“It took me nearly killing him for him to give up,” Buffy whispered. She felt the rush of tears to her eyes and willed them back. She would NOT cry in front of Riley of all people.
“Looks like you’re the one in love,” Riley sneered.
Buffy could hear the crickets as the silence extended. God! Was she?
The chopper disappeared from view and Buffy started to turn back to the house. She looked forward to crossing Riley off her nighttime litany of failures. Maybe it would help her sleep a bit. She’d worry about what he’d said about her loving Spike later … much later.
“Something you need to share with the class Buffy?” Xander’s voice had a hard edge.
“Not really.”
“What’s this about you and the blessedly missing evil-undead?”
“What it is … is none of your business Xander.” Buffy walked into the house only to face a room full of questioning faces; all but Tara. The look of sympathy she gave to Buffy warmed her even as she shivered. “So I guess instead of a bath and bed it’s gonna be the Spanish inquisition?”
Willow glanced at Tara and stepped toward her friend. “Buffy, no matter what you’ve done I’m always your friend. You know that, right?”
Buffy felt the previously restrained tears begin to trickle. “Thanks Will. I love you too.”
“Buffy, I really don’t wish to interfere or try to tell you how to live your life even if I cannot see any reason to rejoice in you involving yourself with yet another vampire …” Giles kept his voice gentle.
“Then don’t” Buffy snapped then felt bad seeing the hurt that flashed across her Watcher’s face. “Sorry. Look if anyone here thinks I’m happy with being attracted to another demon you’re the ones crazy. I’m ripped apart about it and I ripped Spike up enough too that he finally left. “
“Thank God for that at least!” Xander spat.
Anya looked between her fiancé and the Slayer and tried to decide just what to say. “Well the attraction makes perfect sense. You are both powerful, attractive beings after all. What are you supposed to do; get orgasms from a guy you can crush if things get too creative?”
“Ayn!” Xander began his usual attempt to silence her. This time it served to piss her off instead of back off.
“I know things! What, you think I’ve been around longer than all of you put together, including Spike, and not seen things? Slayers that become women instead of just little girls usually are attracted to demons, not always vampires but demons. Only a demon has the strength you need.” Anya ignored the shocked looks.
“Besides, Spike is handsome and well formed, why wouldn’t Buffy be attracted?”
“Because he’s, I don’t know, EVIL?” Xander shot.
“He hasn’t done anything evil in a long time,” Dawn defended her missing friend. “I think its squee worthy if you and Spike do get together.”
“What part of ‘left’ did you miss?” Buffy asked dejectedly.
“Pffft. It’s Spike! He’ll be back!” Dawn was grinning and barely containing her glee.
“You’re missing the point,” Xander ground out. “Spike is a vampire, he’s evil to the core and we’ve already been there done that with Angel.”
Buffy flinched, she was stung. Sure she’d told herself the same thing but deep down she knew it was not that simple. “It’s not the same thing. For one thing I loved Angel; I don’t know what I feel about Spike.”
“You used to feel healthy disgust,” Xander continued. “He’s a disgusting thing, Buffy. A killer and … and … and has bad fashion sense.”
“Look! Stop piling on Buffy!” Dawn put a protective arm around her sister. “She’s a grown up and can like anyone she wants to like. Besides Mr. Hawaiian shirt you’ve got a lot of room to go all ‘What Not to Wear’ on anybody. “
Giles really hated saying anything in Spike’s favor but he knew Buffy needed his support now rather than further criticism. “Actually Buffy is right. Spike is nothing like Angel, or Angelus. I’m not saying I approve or that it’s even my right to approve or not but that much is true.”
“How can you say that?” Xander could not believe Giles of all people wasn’t on board the Spike hate express.
“Well, Angelus was a pure predator. He would either find the weakest of the herd or find someone he could weaken, run them to the ground with his games before killing. He fully enjoyed the evil for the sake of evil. He was well known for selecting his prey from among the purest of the pure so he could corrupt them. “ Buffy shuddered at that view of her first love but listened as Giles continued, “Spike’s reputation was quite different. His prey tended to be whoever gave the best fight first. He apparently preferred the challenge of the fight. I believe that is why he has adjusted so well to his situation with the chip. Demons are far more challenging than humans in a fight.”
“You’re saying Spike’s not evil?”
“Not at all. Just that evil does not seem to drive his actions. He is capable of more and not all of it evil. We are all living proof of that given his assistance last summer.” Giles had never entertained these thoughts and was just as shocked to hear them come from his mouth as Xander was. “Just for a moment picture what would have occurred had Angelus been the vampire captured by the Initiative and chipped. What do you suppose he would have done?”
Willow wondered why no one had ever thought about the choices Spike had made. “Angelus wouldn’t have come to us for help that’s for sure! He’d have gotten some minions to kill us all or faked us out into helping only to find a way to kill us later.”
Dawn was nodding, “Oh yeah. Spike used to have a list he called ‘a thousand ways I could kill those annoying scoobies’. I saw it once when I was snoop … er … helping to clean his crypt. It’s only cause he didn’t really want to that he didn’t do any of them not because he couldn’t figure out how.”
“Okay so he’s no Angelus but he’s still not right for Buffy. She needs a good guy like Riley,” Xander began.
“Oh spare me!” Buffy’s eyes shot fire. “You mean the guy who can’t handle me not being a clinging vine? A guy who leaves if I’m not his adoring sweetie-pie? A guy like that Reggie you brought to my party?”
“Richard,” Tara corrected automatically.
“Reggie … Richard… they’re the same; breakable and … and weak,” Buffy slapped a hand over her mouth as the last bit come out. It was true. Humans were weak. She worried about Xander and even Giles in battle and they at least usually held their own! Riley had been a good fighter but still was weak compared to her. She was always concerned that he’d be damaged while trying to take out a nest of vamps or fighting a massive demon. She had no such worries about Spike. He’d even survived Glory. “I want a partner, an equal. Maybe he doesn’t exist but I think Anya’s right. No human is likely to fit that requirement. Maybe Slayers are meant to be alone. To fight then die young and alone.” Buffy felt the tears fall.
She would not, WOULD NOT, let them see her fall apart like this. “Look I’m tired. I’m going to bed now and you can all dissect me and my non-existent love life without me. I’m sure my opinion won’t matter to some of you anyway.” She looked pointedly at Xander and made a quick exit up the stairs. Let her bed absorb the tears she knew were coming.
~*~
“Well, that was awkward,” Anya pointed out unnecessarily. She turned her narrowed gaze on Xander, “Just why are you so interested in Buffy’s love life anyway? We’re getting married next week in case you’ve forgotten. The only orgasms you should even be thinking about are the ones you’ll be giving me on our honeymoon!”
“So what’s wrong with the Buffster anyway?” Xander decided to ignore Anya’s latest reference to their love life.
“She’s hurting you idiot!” Dawn gaped at him. “She has been since you guys decided to bring her back here and give up heaven. She goes out every night and gets beat up saving the world and I hear her cry at night. She protects everyone but herself! It was better when Spike was here. She didn’t cry as much even if she was gone more.”
“The world is filled with the walking wounded,” Tara mused. “Some wounds are so deep or so infected that you lose part of yourself or even die. Buffy’s wounds are deep but I think she’ll heal in time even with scars. We’ve all expected her to just be the same as before she lost mom and then nearly losing Dawn. Dying and being pulled back here and having all her duties and the added new responsibilities only made it worse. She’s been depressed and it makes perfect sense. She’s had good reason to be. She’s gone out of her way to keep from hurting us by showing it.”
Willow looked horrified, “I never meant…. I should never … I should have..”
“She knows sweetie,” Tara hugged her. “Keeping her secrets though, it just kinda made it worse. Sort of like her wounds got infected.”
“And Spike’s what? An antibiotic?” Xander snarked.
Tara smiled, “Kinda. Sort of a soothing balm like he was to Dawn while Buffy was gone. He’s surprisingly observant about what those around him are feeling and needing.”
“Used that against us before,” Xander reminded them.
“Long ago, yes but we were still enemies then.” Willow reminded her friend. “It’s true I guess. He took care of Dru a long time too. Maybe he’s just a nurturer at heart.”
“I don’t see how the walking dead can help anyone,” Xander continued unfazed.
“Funny but I never think of dead when I see Spike.” Tara looked thoughtful. “He’s always full of life and emotions. Sometimes I forget he’s not exactly human.”
Willow nodded. “I thought about that a while ago when Spike was hanging around all the time hogging the TV and watching the soaps. It seemed funny that he watched the shows he did and got all involved. It wasn’t like a hunter watching ‘Animal Planet’ it was just like us all identifying with the characters! He’d get caught up in all the emotiony stuff and yell at the screen. It was kinda funny. It was like he still connected to all those human emotions and dramas.” Tara raised a brow and nodded in agreement. “I thought he was just weird but then so is a vampire loving a Slayer I guess. Maybe he still has enough human in him and that’s what makes him so different.”
“Spike is one of the walking wounded too,” Tara pointed out.
“Still not seeing the bleached wonder as walking anything but dead,” said Xander stubbornly while ignoring Anya’s eye-roll.
Tara tried to explain, “We all have scars Xander. Some of us show them on the outside right on the surface, like Buffy right now, and others have their scars inside and hidden. I think Spike has a lot of those. Haven’t you ever noticed how easy it is to hurt his feelings?”
Willow nodded heartily. “Xander really gets under his skin a lot!”
“Exactly! That’s usually when Spike says or does something dumb,” Dawn pointed out. “When you guys say mean things to him he talks about ripping your heads off and drinking from your brain stems if the chip were out … that kind of thing.”
“Inside or outside, damage done to us leaves a wound,” Tara concluded. “We all try to hide it the best way we can so no one can see they are hitting a vulnerable spot. It’s part of our self protection.”
Giles had been listening carefully to the entire conversation both before Buffy left and after. One thing he had concluded was that his dear Slayer had feelings of some sort for Spike and even if part of him would always cringe at the very thought he was not going to leave her with no backup ever again. He’d just have to concentrate on the few positives such a relationship might offer and keep a watchful eye on them. He was not called a Watcher for no reason after all. “Xander, perhaps you should listen to what your fiancé has suggested and concentrate on your own relationships and leave Buffy to make her own free-will choices. I don’t remember any of the rest of us begging for her approval when we began our relationships.”
“Giles has a relationship?” Anya perked up. “Spill! Was that why you abandoned us, dumped Buffy and went to England?”
Giles blushed as the conversation turned from Buffy and her situation to speculation on his own. ‘I hope Buffy will appreciate the sacrifice I make,’ he thought a he permitted the comments and fielded questions.
~*~
Spike finished the last of his glass of whisky preparing for the long drive to the village nearest the demon cave he half dreaded but still determined to enter and leave again vampire intactus.
“Bint’s like China! Should have a bloody sign, ‘Draco Dormiens Cave’, poetic really could’ve bit it in China by that Slayer long ago. Might’ve expected a Slayer just like China to finally do me.”
“Whaz at?” The grizzled human on the next barstool had only half listened to the pale somewhat frightening man who had shared his bottle in return for a lift to the interior.
“Just quotin’ Churchill only he was talkin’ ‘bout China. Might as well been talkin’ ‘bout Buffy though. Smart man that Winny. ‘Beware the sleeping dragon. For when she awakes the Earth will shake’. That’s my problem. I had to try to wake the bleedin’ dragon now I’ve got the piper to pay. Still, will be worth it to see her back to her full glory even if my world’ll never be the same.” Spike stared into his empty glass. “Then again my worlds never been the same since I met her. Just another change for the big bad, provided I live through the process.”
The old man gave a shiver. “Hey, what’s that about living through something? You’re not planning on me driving you into some war zone are you because it’ll take more than a bottle of cheap whiskey to be that stupid.”
Spike turned a gimlet eye on the rheumy blighter. “Only battle’s the one inside me mate. “ He smiled dreamily at the memory of Buffy’s occasional soft touch and how breath-taking she was when in her full glory. He’d see her that way again or die trying. “My lady can be a right bitch. Can use words sharp enough to snip the balls right off a man leavin’ him bleedin’ and frustrated but can heal it all up with just one wide-eyed smile, one soft hand on a bloke’s face. I swear one contented sigh from her could cure the dead, does me. A kind word might even make me human. “
“So I’m driving you to see this bitch then?”
He moved so fast the old man didn’t even see a blur, merely felt himself lifted from the barstool by his collar. “You don’t call her names grandpa!” Before he had a chance to choke out an apology Spike had dropped him to grasp his head and scream in pain.
The old man scooted as far from the lunatic before him as possible seeking an escape route.
Spike wasn’t about to lose his ride though and quickly sought to make amends. “Never mind. My fault; usually is. Let’s have us a nightcap before we head out, what say?” He helped the old man to his feet and propelled him to the bar.
He felt her before he saw her. It was like ants walking all over his back, tingles more powerful than even a Slayer caused.
“Perhaps your friend would do better with a rest before your journey, Spike,” and the man next to him slumped, emitting loud snores, head smacking the table.
The woman was young, yet old; ageless he supposed. Spike wasn’t sure what she was but he’d never felt such power in one individual. She smiled benignly at least. That much power had to put a bit of fear in a fella.
“You will be told what you need to know in good time. “ She nearly chuckled. “You really are unique aren’t you? I’ve never spoken to an unclean one before.”
“Hey,” He sounded as offended as he really was but thankfully didn’t give away his fear. “Know some politicians, fully human, more unclean than I’ll ever be!”
She did laugh then. “Yes, I suppose that was impolite of me.”
“Damn straight.”
“You have journeyed a long way in your quest to aid your chief enemy, Spike. That has attracted some attention in very high places. As I said, you are unique if a bit touchy.”
“This about the demon I’ve got a date with later?”
“In a way and in a way not so much. It is more about your intentions and well-meaning but ill-advised plans.”
“Yeah well sister, you got any better ideas of how to fix a Slayer I’m all ears.”
“I was hoping so.”
~*~
~*~
Chapter 3
~*~
Buffy watched the helicopter as it faded from her line of sight. This time instead of feeling like she was letting her last chance at happiness fly away she felt one burden lift from her massive guilt pile. She had been right to not commit to Riley. What a jerk!
He’d come barreling back into her life with some trumped up tale about a demon of mass destruction and a weapons dealer there in Sunnydale. He’d even gone out of his way to try to frame Spike not knowing the vampire wasn’t even around to get into that kind of trouble. If that wasn’t enough he brought along a simpering ‘Stepford’ wife to rub under her nose. Perhaps she should come up with a better way of putting that when talking about Sam!
It was so obvious that he was trying to show her what she’d “thrown away” when she didn’t stop his leaving the year before. Instead he made her finally realize that it was the best thing she could have done. The big jerk was trying to punish her for not loving him and set Spike up to have her kill him at the same time!
Buffy would have to think later about just how Riley had known about her and Spike. It unsettled her that the secret trysts weren’t so secret.
She almost laughed when she remembered the look on Riley’s face when he finally got it that Spike wasn’t there to pin this crime on. They had quite a row when Buffy uncovered his plot.
“Was not being able to commit to you such a terrible crime that I deserve you coming back here to drive a knife in the wound? I told you about Angel, how devastated I was to have to run a sword through him. It should have clued you in that it would hurt if I had to dust Spike!”
She clearly saw that Riley had thought about it and deliberately chosen this revenge to counter his hurt pride. That was when the guilt fell away. If he was that insufferable then she had been lucky to have held back and let him go after all.
“You left, Riley. Mom was sick, Glory was tossing me around like a rag doll, Spike was stalking my every move and pissing you off by wanting me and yet you left. You knew my abandonment issues and still you sashayed yourself out of town and left me feeling that I was the one lacking!”
“Why should I have stayed, Buffy? You didn’t give me any reason to hope.”
Buffy snorted remembering all the times she held his hand during the whole Initiative thing and after. “Whatever! You said you loved me. If the shoe was on the other foot I would have stayed to help you with Glory and your mom at least. Okay, I get you leaving eventually but if you really loved me you picked a crap time to do it. I’d have made sure you’d be okay first.”
At least he had the grace to look sheepish even if his jaw was still set in a stubborn clinch.
“And why did you bother to come back? You’ve got your adoring wife who thinks you’re all that and a side of fries. I’ve seen how she practically worships you. What more do you want? You wanted to prove what a great catch I missed? Wanted to harass Spike?”
“Spike’s evil, Buffy. I don’t know why you let him live much less how you can do what you were doing. It’s a good thing he is gone. I promised the bloodsucker I’d stake him for real if he made moves on you.”
“And who gave you that right?” Buffy was furious.
“Someone has to take care of you since you don’t seem to do a good job of it yourself. God, Buffy, I wasn’t gone long before you died!”
“I died doing my duty, for the love of my sister you big galoot. Besides like I said, you could have been part of that battle. Spike was!”
“Is that why you gave yourself to him? Gratitude?” Riley was at his self-righteous best.
“None of your business who, what or why I do anything. You gave up that right. But for the record it wasn’t gratitude,” she shuddered inside at how very ungrateful her treatment of Spike had been given all he’d done to help both with Glory and after.
“He’s a vampire. You deserve better than that.”
She’d had this conversation before in one form or another. Why was it that everyone thought they knew what and who she deserved. Xander had thought Riley was who she deserved and that went to show how good their choices could be!
“What is it with you and with Angel? You won’t stay, you both move on but the minute you sniff out a possible replacement, a rival, you come back to mark territory? I’m nobody’s bone!”
“It’s not like that.”
“It’s exactly like that!
“But SPIKE!”
“Spike at least loves through actions not just words. What we had was maybe squirrelly and dysfunctional but it was real. Even at my most depressed I got that he was trying. He was trying to let me be myself, accepting me as I was not how he wanted me to be. I could be a bitch. I could withhold or be needy. I could be bossy or let him make the decisions … whatever. He took me as I am.”
“So where is this paragon then?”
“It took me nearly killing him for him to give up,” Buffy whispered. She felt the rush of tears to her eyes and willed them back. She would NOT cry in front of Riley of all people.
“Looks like you’re the one in love,” Riley sneered.
Buffy could hear the crickets as the silence extended. God! Was she?
The chopper disappeared from view and Buffy started to turn back to the house. She looked forward to crossing Riley off her nighttime litany of failures. Maybe it would help her sleep a bit. She’d worry about what he’d said about her loving Spike later … much later.
“Something you need to share with the class Buffy?” Xander’s voice had a hard edge.
“Not really.”
“What’s this about you and the blessedly missing evil-undead?”
“What it is … is none of your business Xander.” Buffy walked into the house only to face a room full of questioning faces; all but Tara. The look of sympathy she gave to Buffy warmed her even as she shivered. “So I guess instead of a bath and bed it’s gonna be the Spanish inquisition?”
Willow glanced at Tara and stepped toward her friend. “Buffy, no matter what you’ve done I’m always your friend. You know that, right?”
Buffy felt the previously restrained tears begin to trickle. “Thanks Will. I love you too.”
“Buffy, I really don’t wish to interfere or try to tell you how to live your life even if I cannot see any reason to rejoice in you involving yourself with yet another vampire …” Giles kept his voice gentle.
“Then don’t” Buffy snapped then felt bad seeing the hurt that flashed across her Watcher’s face. “Sorry. Look if anyone here thinks I’m happy with being attracted to another demon you’re the ones crazy. I’m ripped apart about it and I ripped Spike up enough too that he finally left. “
“Thank God for that at least!” Xander spat.
Anya looked between her fiancé and the Slayer and tried to decide just what to say. “Well the attraction makes perfect sense. You are both powerful, attractive beings after all. What are you supposed to do; get orgasms from a guy you can crush if things get too creative?”
“Ayn!” Xander began his usual attempt to silence her. This time it served to piss her off instead of back off.
“I know things! What, you think I’ve been around longer than all of you put together, including Spike, and not seen things? Slayers that become women instead of just little girls usually are attracted to demons, not always vampires but demons. Only a demon has the strength you need.” Anya ignored the shocked looks.
“Besides, Spike is handsome and well formed, why wouldn’t Buffy be attracted?”
“Because he’s, I don’t know, EVIL?” Xander shot.
“He hasn’t done anything evil in a long time,” Dawn defended her missing friend. “I think its squee worthy if you and Spike do get together.”
“What part of ‘left’ did you miss?” Buffy asked dejectedly.
“Pffft. It’s Spike! He’ll be back!” Dawn was grinning and barely containing her glee.
“You’re missing the point,” Xander ground out. “Spike is a vampire, he’s evil to the core and we’ve already been there done that with Angel.”
Buffy flinched, she was stung. Sure she’d told herself the same thing but deep down she knew it was not that simple. “It’s not the same thing. For one thing I loved Angel; I don’t know what I feel about Spike.”
“You used to feel healthy disgust,” Xander continued. “He’s a disgusting thing, Buffy. A killer and … and … and has bad fashion sense.”
“Look! Stop piling on Buffy!” Dawn put a protective arm around her sister. “She’s a grown up and can like anyone she wants to like. Besides Mr. Hawaiian shirt you’ve got a lot of room to go all ‘What Not to Wear’ on anybody. “
Giles really hated saying anything in Spike’s favor but he knew Buffy needed his support now rather than further criticism. “Actually Buffy is right. Spike is nothing like Angel, or Angelus. I’m not saying I approve or that it’s even my right to approve or not but that much is true.”
“How can you say that?” Xander could not believe Giles of all people wasn’t on board the Spike hate express.
“Well, Angelus was a pure predator. He would either find the weakest of the herd or find someone he could weaken, run them to the ground with his games before killing. He fully enjoyed the evil for the sake of evil. He was well known for selecting his prey from among the purest of the pure so he could corrupt them. “ Buffy shuddered at that view of her first love but listened as Giles continued, “Spike’s reputation was quite different. His prey tended to be whoever gave the best fight first. He apparently preferred the challenge of the fight. I believe that is why he has adjusted so well to his situation with the chip. Demons are far more challenging than humans in a fight.”
“You’re saying Spike’s not evil?”
“Not at all. Just that evil does not seem to drive his actions. He is capable of more and not all of it evil. We are all living proof of that given his assistance last summer.” Giles had never entertained these thoughts and was just as shocked to hear them come from his mouth as Xander was. “Just for a moment picture what would have occurred had Angelus been the vampire captured by the Initiative and chipped. What do you suppose he would have done?”
Willow wondered why no one had ever thought about the choices Spike had made. “Angelus wouldn’t have come to us for help that’s for sure! He’d have gotten some minions to kill us all or faked us out into helping only to find a way to kill us later.”
Dawn was nodding, “Oh yeah. Spike used to have a list he called ‘a thousand ways I could kill those annoying scoobies’. I saw it once when I was snoop … er … helping to clean his crypt. It’s only cause he didn’t really want to that he didn’t do any of them not because he couldn’t figure out how.”
“Okay so he’s no Angelus but he’s still not right for Buffy. She needs a good guy like Riley,” Xander began.
“Oh spare me!” Buffy’s eyes shot fire. “You mean the guy who can’t handle me not being a clinging vine? A guy who leaves if I’m not his adoring sweetie-pie? A guy like that Reggie you brought to my party?”
“Richard,” Tara corrected automatically.
“Reggie … Richard… they’re the same; breakable and … and weak,” Buffy slapped a hand over her mouth as the last bit come out. It was true. Humans were weak. She worried about Xander and even Giles in battle and they at least usually held their own! Riley had been a good fighter but still was weak compared to her. She was always concerned that he’d be damaged while trying to take out a nest of vamps or fighting a massive demon. She had no such worries about Spike. He’d even survived Glory. “I want a partner, an equal. Maybe he doesn’t exist but I think Anya’s right. No human is likely to fit that requirement. Maybe Slayers are meant to be alone. To fight then die young and alone.” Buffy felt the tears fall.
She would not, WOULD NOT, let them see her fall apart like this. “Look I’m tired. I’m going to bed now and you can all dissect me and my non-existent love life without me. I’m sure my opinion won’t matter to some of you anyway.” She looked pointedly at Xander and made a quick exit up the stairs. Let her bed absorb the tears she knew were coming.
~*~
“Well, that was awkward,” Anya pointed out unnecessarily. She turned her narrowed gaze on Xander, “Just why are you so interested in Buffy’s love life anyway? We’re getting married next week in case you’ve forgotten. The only orgasms you should even be thinking about are the ones you’ll be giving me on our honeymoon!”
“So what’s wrong with the Buffster anyway?” Xander decided to ignore Anya’s latest reference to their love life.
“She’s hurting you idiot!” Dawn gaped at him. “She has been since you guys decided to bring her back here and give up heaven. She goes out every night and gets beat up saving the world and I hear her cry at night. She protects everyone but herself! It was better when Spike was here. She didn’t cry as much even if she was gone more.”
“The world is filled with the walking wounded,” Tara mused. “Some wounds are so deep or so infected that you lose part of yourself or even die. Buffy’s wounds are deep but I think she’ll heal in time even with scars. We’ve all expected her to just be the same as before she lost mom and then nearly losing Dawn. Dying and being pulled back here and having all her duties and the added new responsibilities only made it worse. She’s been depressed and it makes perfect sense. She’s had good reason to be. She’s gone out of her way to keep from hurting us by showing it.”
Willow looked horrified, “I never meant…. I should never … I should have..”
“She knows sweetie,” Tara hugged her. “Keeping her secrets though, it just kinda made it worse. Sort of like her wounds got infected.”
“And Spike’s what? An antibiotic?” Xander snarked.
Tara smiled, “Kinda. Sort of a soothing balm like he was to Dawn while Buffy was gone. He’s surprisingly observant about what those around him are feeling and needing.”
“Used that against us before,” Xander reminded them.
“Long ago, yes but we were still enemies then.” Willow reminded her friend. “It’s true I guess. He took care of Dru a long time too. Maybe he’s just a nurturer at heart.”
“I don’t see how the walking dead can help anyone,” Xander continued unfazed.
“Funny but I never think of dead when I see Spike.” Tara looked thoughtful. “He’s always full of life and emotions. Sometimes I forget he’s not exactly human.”
Willow nodded. “I thought about that a while ago when Spike was hanging around all the time hogging the TV and watching the soaps. It seemed funny that he watched the shows he did and got all involved. It wasn’t like a hunter watching ‘Animal Planet’ it was just like us all identifying with the characters! He’d get caught up in all the emotiony stuff and yell at the screen. It was kinda funny. It was like he still connected to all those human emotions and dramas.” Tara raised a brow and nodded in agreement. “I thought he was just weird but then so is a vampire loving a Slayer I guess. Maybe he still has enough human in him and that’s what makes him so different.”
“Spike is one of the walking wounded too,” Tara pointed out.
“Still not seeing the bleached wonder as walking anything but dead,” said Xander stubbornly while ignoring Anya’s eye-roll.
Tara tried to explain, “We all have scars Xander. Some of us show them on the outside right on the surface, like Buffy right now, and others have their scars inside and hidden. I think Spike has a lot of those. Haven’t you ever noticed how easy it is to hurt his feelings?”
Willow nodded heartily. “Xander really gets under his skin a lot!”
“Exactly! That’s usually when Spike says or does something dumb,” Dawn pointed out. “When you guys say mean things to him he talks about ripping your heads off and drinking from your brain stems if the chip were out … that kind of thing.”
“Inside or outside, damage done to us leaves a wound,” Tara concluded. “We all try to hide it the best way we can so no one can see they are hitting a vulnerable spot. It’s part of our self protection.”
Giles had been listening carefully to the entire conversation both before Buffy left and after. One thing he had concluded was that his dear Slayer had feelings of some sort for Spike and even if part of him would always cringe at the very thought he was not going to leave her with no backup ever again. He’d just have to concentrate on the few positives such a relationship might offer and keep a watchful eye on them. He was not called a Watcher for no reason after all. “Xander, perhaps you should listen to what your fiancé has suggested and concentrate on your own relationships and leave Buffy to make her own free-will choices. I don’t remember any of the rest of us begging for her approval when we began our relationships.”
“Giles has a relationship?” Anya perked up. “Spill! Was that why you abandoned us, dumped Buffy and went to England?”
Giles blushed as the conversation turned from Buffy and her situation to speculation on his own. ‘I hope Buffy will appreciate the sacrifice I make,’ he thought a he permitted the comments and fielded questions.
~*~
Spike finished the last of his glass of whisky preparing for the long drive to the village nearest the demon cave he half dreaded but still determined to enter and leave again vampire intactus.
“Bint’s like China! Should have a bloody sign, ‘Draco Dormiens Cave’, poetic really could’ve bit it in China by that Slayer long ago. Might’ve expected a Slayer just like China to finally do me.”
“Whaz at?” The grizzled human on the next barstool had only half listened to the pale somewhat frightening man who had shared his bottle in return for a lift to the interior.
“Just quotin’ Churchill only he was talkin’ ‘bout China. Might as well been talkin’ ‘bout Buffy though. Smart man that Winny. ‘Beware the sleeping dragon. For when she awakes the Earth will shake’. That’s my problem. I had to try to wake the bleedin’ dragon now I’ve got the piper to pay. Still, will be worth it to see her back to her full glory even if my world’ll never be the same.” Spike stared into his empty glass. “Then again my worlds never been the same since I met her. Just another change for the big bad, provided I live through the process.”
The old man gave a shiver. “Hey, what’s that about living through something? You’re not planning on me driving you into some war zone are you because it’ll take more than a bottle of cheap whiskey to be that stupid.”
Spike turned a gimlet eye on the rheumy blighter. “Only battle’s the one inside me mate. “ He smiled dreamily at the memory of Buffy’s occasional soft touch and how breath-taking she was when in her full glory. He’d see her that way again or die trying. “My lady can be a right bitch. Can use words sharp enough to snip the balls right off a man leavin’ him bleedin’ and frustrated but can heal it all up with just one wide-eyed smile, one soft hand on a bloke’s face. I swear one contented sigh from her could cure the dead, does me. A kind word might even make me human. “
“So I’m driving you to see this bitch then?”
He moved so fast the old man didn’t even see a blur, merely felt himself lifted from the barstool by his collar. “You don’t call her names grandpa!” Before he had a chance to choke out an apology Spike had dropped him to grasp his head and scream in pain.
The old man scooted as far from the lunatic before him as possible seeking an escape route.
Spike wasn’t about to lose his ride though and quickly sought to make amends. “Never mind. My fault; usually is. Let’s have us a nightcap before we head out, what say?” He helped the old man to his feet and propelled him to the bar.
He felt her before he saw her. It was like ants walking all over his back, tingles more powerful than even a Slayer caused.
“Perhaps your friend would do better with a rest before your journey, Spike,” and the man next to him slumped, emitting loud snores, head smacking the table.
The woman was young, yet old; ageless he supposed. Spike wasn’t sure what she was but he’d never felt such power in one individual. She smiled benignly at least. That much power had to put a bit of fear in a fella.
“You will be told what you need to know in good time. “ She nearly chuckled. “You really are unique aren’t you? I’ve never spoken to an unclean one before.”
“Hey,” He sounded as offended as he really was but thankfully didn’t give away his fear. “Know some politicians, fully human, more unclean than I’ll ever be!”
She did laugh then. “Yes, I suppose that was impolite of me.”
“Damn straight.”
“You have journeyed a long way in your quest to aid your chief enemy, Spike. That has attracted some attention in very high places. As I said, you are unique if a bit touchy.”
“This about the demon I’ve got a date with later?”
“In a way and in a way not so much. It is more about your intentions and well-meaning but ill-advised plans.”
“Yeah well sister, you got any better ideas of how to fix a Slayer I’m all ears.”
“I was hoping so.”
~*~