Feeling my way forward
Mary passed away December 2, 2020, around 7 in the evening. We were right there, right with her. I held her hand as she transitioned and marveled at how one minute I could literally feel her there and the next her hand didn't feel real anymore. The intensity of that year and the one immediately following in terms of my emotional/spiritual health were such that writing for public consumption was more than I could gather myself for and as such, all of my writing has been on paper. I journal more now than I have in years and it's been really cathartic.
In June of 2021 we bought a house (what a ride that was) and we've been here for just over a year now and I *love* it. I can't say the past year has been easy, exactly, but it has been restful in a way I haven't experienced in my adult life. After two decades of jumping from one frying pan into the next, I think that year of caring for Mary and being her death doula just burnt me completely out. There was so much going on, I had just wrapped up the worst year co-parenting ever, (court cases and all), had just spent a month extremely ill (yay covid!) and found myself isolated during the pandemic caring body and soul for a woman who had essentially tortured and violated my space for 5+ years...it was a lot. I learned much about what love truly is and how it looks, how truly multi-faceted people are, and how to serve with compassion vs pity. At some point I would like to try to talk about that experience and unpack some of the profound ways that it has changed me but right now is not that time. I'm not ready.
This past year has been largely about coming to terms with who I am, who I am not, and where to go from here. Mostly I have been healing. I told Eric at the end of last year that I have spent my entire life, for as long as I can remember, focused on the needs, expectations, and desires of everyone in my life. I told him that now I'm focusing more on me. I'm still a present mom and partner but I am not doing crisis mode for people any more. I simply don't have it in me. No more drama, no more living on adrenaline and coffee. I think my adrenal glands packed up and quit anyway. I'll just have to sip my coffee in peace and marvel at how not giving a fuck truly reduces one's stress levels.
I am also going to write more. I feel very much that I want to share something with people and honestly, I'm just not sure where to start. I want to talk about spirituality, our world and where it is going. We are at a crossroads, I believe, and the old society is dying. I think so much of what we are experiencing these past few years is the death-throws of an old way of life and we are either going to rally and have a much better world as we come through it or things are going to get much, much worse. I am a hopeful person by nature so I am calling in and believing for the former. That said, I feel called, pulled towards adding my voice to the man calling for my siblings to wake up and realize who and what we are. I just...have no idea how to go about doing that, lol. I just know that I'm going to. It's not just about capitalism, race wars, political idiologies, etc. I want to get beneath all of that and start talking about and unpacking our motivations, who we truly are, why we are here and how we can change our society by changing ourself, how we live our individual lives, across the board. Change is needed, nearly everone agrees on that point, even if they can't agree on anything else. But change doesn't start with legislation or picket lines. Change starts in our hearts and it is to this angle that I feel called to dig into.
Unfortunately I also feel like a poser and unworthy of tooting my little horn for the masses. On the other hand, if a nobody like me can learn to love authentically and unconditionally, then anyone can, right?