Things that I needed to say
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You are the world to me. I've never loved as deeply, as honestly, as I love you. I still don't know what that love means, maybe I never will, but what I do know is that I'm here for you - whenever, wherever, whatever. Always.
I want so badly to hang out with you again, but I'm afraid that you'd cancel, that I'd cancel, that things will fall apart. I know our nerves get the better of us, but I have a good time when we're together and I think you do, too. I wish things were different and we could hang out much more often.
How old we've gotten, you and I. The days of crazy graphics, little wings and random nonsense belong to a new bunch of kids and we're living in a world populated with jobs and responsibilities - but still we share the small things. Our friendship grows, changes, every day. I'm grateful for you.
In the old days I used to read your posts and I was in awe of you, this person I saw as a wise older lady. Now I know you even better and every time I speak to you I'm always amazed that you're as young as you are because you've the wisdom of someone whose feet have walked this earth longer than yours have. You've seen so much, achieved so much; yet instead of using this to prove that you are better than others, you offer in kindness the benefits of your experience. You inspire me.
I'm still scared of you. You're the epitome of a conundrum of opposites. You're tough and gentle, harsh and soothing. You think I don't see the flaws or the imperfections, you think I see something that isn't there - but I don't. Sometimes I wish I understood you better, I still feel honoured to know as much as I do about you (which isn't, I admit, very much); but frightened, too, because I want to know more, I want to know everything, but I'm scared I'll chase you away. I don't understand the way your mind works, things that are important to you terrify me. Some things that I need are worthless to you; or worse, offensive. I know that's how friendship goes, sometimes; because all people are different, and how boring it would be if we all were the same; and I agree with that. That's why I'm so afraid of chasing you away, because no matter how much you terrify me - you're damn good for me, and I hope in some way I'm good for you, too. Because all that fear and "good for me" stuff aside, I think you're pretty damn amazing. Yeah, you've got a long way to go on your journey, but I respect you for who you are now as well as who you're becoming.
For a few hours we had the kind of friendship I've dreamed of my whole life. I wish I could have that here. Just 'being' with you was so easy. I wonder when things changed; I was so horribly nervous last time, but that night? That night was perfect, even though I couldn't explain why I wouldn't talk to you when I'll text you just fine, why I texted to someone else as I sat beside you on the couch, falling apart.
I'm always amazed when you ask my opinion on something. I consider you far more knowledgable in that area than I am, and yet here you are asking me! It throws me and I don't know if I'm afraid I'll screw up when I answer you, and you'll realise I know nothing after all; or if I'm hoping that's what'll happen.
Do you remember asking me once why I won't talk to you? The truth is, I need to protect you. It's ridiculous, really, I know that; but I couldn't shield you in your childhood and the least I can do is shield you from mine. In so many ways you are older than I am and yet I view you almost as a younger sister, though I'd never dare tell you that properly - I wouldn't want to offend you. But you are dear to me, too dear, and that is why I cannot talk to you sometimes.
How can I trust and talk to you when I don't even know you anymore? You never talk, you never update, it's almost as though you don't exist. I want to know you again, but until I do, I can't trust you like I used to.
I'm sorry. You think 'm nice, but I'm sarcastic and horrible to and about you. I see a lot of who I could have been in you - sometimes I'm glad I'm not that other person, and sometimes I'm jealous. You say you have no confidence, but your actions tell a different story. You contradict yourself and make yourself a liar. You think the world is ending because of one small situation - but it's not. You're stronger than that. I know you want to be seen, but the way you go about it is driving people away from you. I hope you see it before it's too late. You're so young, and you've got so much ahead of you. Don't let yourself stay in this pit, get out while you can, because if you don't, you're going to be here forever.
You told me I'm beautiful. I wonder what you'd say if I asked you to sleep with me.
You're the best mother I've ever known. I hope if I ever do get to have the family I've always dreamed of, that I'm half as good as you at being a mum to my kids. You seem to know instinctively what's right for your family, and you do it. I envy and admire you for that. Your children are lucky to have you.
I don't know what's going on for you these days and I don't understand what you've been saying lately - but I still love you. It's been so long since we've had any proper chatting contact beyond our LJs, and I miss it, but for now I'm just grateful that you're still out there.
I don't even know if you read this. Sometimes I think you're asking too much of me, that you lean too heavily upon me, but when I remembered how much I leant on you before I went into hospital I feel guilty. It's just that I'm barely holding on, and your drama is shattering me.
I still don't understand what happened between us. I understand why you did what you had to do, I respect you for seeing your need and following it; but I don't understand. I changed what needed to be changed, some days I slip but I'm doing my best; but everything's different now. I know this is my own fault, I know I chased you away with my actions, but I miss you.
I've always admired your faith - not because I want to be religious in that way, but because your belief is so strong and steadfast. I admire the strength it takes to hold to something that sturdily when the world shakes your very foundations so often.
I want to know you better. I think you're nice but I'm scared of you anyway. We get along great when we meet, but we seem to fall in and out around each other online. I think it's just coincidence and poor timing; the fact that so often we're both busy doing other things; but I worry, sometimes, that really you hate me and you're just too polite to tell me or our mutual friends.
I've known you for around a third of my life and sometimes we drop in and out of each other's lives, but we're always there for each other in the end. We always slide back together. Very few people have stuck with me for so long, and you've stuck through it even knowing the rough stuff. You say sometimes you're a bad friend to me, but you're one of the best friends I've ever had. You've always been there for me, you offer your help with so many things, and in so many ways. I hope one day you understand how grateful I am to you - and how much you deserve my gratitude. I love you so much, my dear friend.
If you could see yourself through my eyes, you'd be amazed. I wish I could change the way you think about your body, your self, your problems; because the truth is, you're wonderful.
Really it was sheer luck that I found and added you here on LJ, but you show me amazing amounts of kindness and compassion for the people in your life - be their recurrent characters such as friends; short term interlopers or strangers in the street, all while maintaining an enviable level of wisdom and appropriate distance. I hope one day I, too, am that balanced.
You are the world to me. I've never loved as deeply, as honestly, as I love you. I still don't know what that love means, maybe I never will, but what I do know is that I'm here for you - whenever, wherever, whatever. Always.
I want so badly to hang out with you again, but I'm afraid that you'd cancel, that I'd cancel, that things will fall apart. I know our nerves get the better of us, but I have a good time when we're together and I think you do, too. I wish things were different and we could hang out much more often.
How old we've gotten, you and I. The days of crazy graphics, little wings and random nonsense belong to a new bunch of kids and we're living in a world populated with jobs and responsibilities - but still we share the small things. Our friendship grows, changes, every day. I'm grateful for you.
In the old days I used to read your posts and I was in awe of you, this person I saw as a wise older lady. Now I know you even better and every time I speak to you I'm always amazed that you're as young as you are because you've the wisdom of someone whose feet have walked this earth longer than yours have. You've seen so much, achieved so much; yet instead of using this to prove that you are better than others, you offer in kindness the benefits of your experience. You inspire me.
I'm still scared of you. You're the epitome of a conundrum of opposites. You're tough and gentle, harsh and soothing. You think I don't see the flaws or the imperfections, you think I see something that isn't there - but I don't. Sometimes I wish I understood you better, I still feel honoured to know as much as I do about you (which isn't, I admit, very much); but frightened, too, because I want to know more, I want to know everything, but I'm scared I'll chase you away. I don't understand the way your mind works, things that are important to you terrify me. Some things that I need are worthless to you; or worse, offensive. I know that's how friendship goes, sometimes; because all people are different, and how boring it would be if we all were the same; and I agree with that. That's why I'm so afraid of chasing you away, because no matter how much you terrify me - you're damn good for me, and I hope in some way I'm good for you, too. Because all that fear and "good for me" stuff aside, I think you're pretty damn amazing. Yeah, you've got a long way to go on your journey, but I respect you for who you are now as well as who you're becoming.
For a few hours we had the kind of friendship I've dreamed of my whole life. I wish I could have that here. Just 'being' with you was so easy. I wonder when things changed; I was so horribly nervous last time, but that night? That night was perfect, even though I couldn't explain why I wouldn't talk to you when I'll text you just fine, why I texted to someone else as I sat beside you on the couch, falling apart.
I'm always amazed when you ask my opinion on something. I consider you far more knowledgable in that area than I am, and yet here you are asking me! It throws me and I don't know if I'm afraid I'll screw up when I answer you, and you'll realise I know nothing after all; or if I'm hoping that's what'll happen.
Do you remember asking me once why I won't talk to you? The truth is, I need to protect you. It's ridiculous, really, I know that; but I couldn't shield you in your childhood and the least I can do is shield you from mine. In so many ways you are older than I am and yet I view you almost as a younger sister, though I'd never dare tell you that properly - I wouldn't want to offend you. But you are dear to me, too dear, and that is why I cannot talk to you sometimes.
How can I trust and talk to you when I don't even know you anymore? You never talk, you never update, it's almost as though you don't exist. I want to know you again, but until I do, I can't trust you like I used to.
I'm sorry. You think 'm nice, but I'm sarcastic and horrible to and about you. I see a lot of who I could have been in you - sometimes I'm glad I'm not that other person, and sometimes I'm jealous. You say you have no confidence, but your actions tell a different story. You contradict yourself and make yourself a liar. You think the world is ending because of one small situation - but it's not. You're stronger than that. I know you want to be seen, but the way you go about it is driving people away from you. I hope you see it before it's too late. You're so young, and you've got so much ahead of you. Don't let yourself stay in this pit, get out while you can, because if you don't, you're going to be here forever.
You told me I'm beautiful. I wonder what you'd say if I asked you to sleep with me.
You're the best mother I've ever known. I hope if I ever do get to have the family I've always dreamed of, that I'm half as good as you at being a mum to my kids. You seem to know instinctively what's right for your family, and you do it. I envy and admire you for that. Your children are lucky to have you.
I don't know what's going on for you these days and I don't understand what you've been saying lately - but I still love you. It's been so long since we've had any proper chatting contact beyond our LJs, and I miss it, but for now I'm just grateful that you're still out there.
I don't even know if you read this. Sometimes I think you're asking too much of me, that you lean too heavily upon me, but when I remembered how much I leant on you before I went into hospital I feel guilty. It's just that I'm barely holding on, and your drama is shattering me.
I still don't understand what happened between us. I understand why you did what you had to do, I respect you for seeing your need and following it; but I don't understand. I changed what needed to be changed, some days I slip but I'm doing my best; but everything's different now. I know this is my own fault, I know I chased you away with my actions, but I miss you.
I've always admired your faith - not because I want to be religious in that way, but because your belief is so strong and steadfast. I admire the strength it takes to hold to something that sturdily when the world shakes your very foundations so often.
I want to know you better. I think you're nice but I'm scared of you anyway. We get along great when we meet, but we seem to fall in and out around each other online. I think it's just coincidence and poor timing; the fact that so often we're both busy doing other things; but I worry, sometimes, that really you hate me and you're just too polite to tell me or our mutual friends.
I've known you for around a third of my life and sometimes we drop in and out of each other's lives, but we're always there for each other in the end. We always slide back together. Very few people have stuck with me for so long, and you've stuck through it even knowing the rough stuff. You say sometimes you're a bad friend to me, but you're one of the best friends I've ever had. You've always been there for me, you offer your help with so many things, and in so many ways. I hope one day you understand how grateful I am to you - and how much you deserve my gratitude. I love you so much, my dear friend.
If you could see yourself through my eyes, you'd be amazed. I wish I could change the way you think about your body, your self, your problems; because the truth is, you're wonderful.
Really it was sheer luck that I found and added you here on LJ, but you show me amazing amounts of kindness and compassion for the people in your life - be their recurrent characters such as friends; short term interlopers or strangers in the street, all while maintaining an enviable level of wisdom and appropriate distance. I hope one day I, too, am that balanced.