I'm not dead yet!
Hullo Intranets! Lots of things happened in the three weeks since I last checked in (obviously)! In an effort to not bore you with the details, I'll cut every topic so that you can pick and choose from the tl;dr at your leisure!
1. Considering this is the thing I want to talk about the least, I thought I would talk about it first. Prelude: Senior Employee does the scheduling by phone as she is making the things up, confirming everybody's hours with them as she goes along. On Friday, she schedules me to come in Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I am relieved of duty by The Boss on Sunday because the weather wasn't good enough to warrant the support shift I was supposed to work.
Then on Monday, I get a call from Senior Employee asking why I wasn't at the store. I am shocked! I had not been scheduled to come in on Monday! Senior Employee replies of course you were scheduled, it's on the print-out at the store which you must have looked at since you came in on Saturday. I had indeed looked at the schedule countless times in passing, but only on the days I was expecting to work to see who I was on with.
Meanwhile, at the store, one of the junior employees had been working by himself and gotten into a muddle which brought The Boss down on his head. And I hadn't been there to get him through it instead of her. This apparently truly inconvenienced The Boss, who was supposed to be doing some family thing. Bing, bang, bongo, Senior Employee and The Boss have a conference and I get a message from Senior Employee saying they're going to have to "give away my hours." I called The Boss to properly apologize to her for the inconvenience, to confirm I had actually been fired, and if so, to ask about picking up my final check. She calls me back much later to apologize herself, saying that she understood how the mistake was made, but she has to set an example to the other employees etc etc. She did say she would give me a good reference, although I don't see how working a month and a half and then getting fired would look good on a resume, no matter how willing your boss is to say that you are a "sweet girl."
I am bitter about this job. They were confused about the direction the business was going to take and were constantly changing their minds about important aspects of my job description. It made it very difficult for me to become proficient in any part of the job. I never got a chance to overcome my initial clumsiness and I felt utterly useless a lot of the time, which left me--and no doubt my employers--very dissatisfied. The fact that I got fired over a huge misunderstanding, and that it was yet another misunderstanding centering on Senior Employee, who was always the one who insisted I was doing things wrong, even when I was doing things the way I was initially taught, leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But, hell. It's over and done. I am moving on.
2. Also, my far-flung uncle (residences currently in Australia and Belgium) and his son (he also has two daughters and a wife not appearing in this numbered point) came to visit my grandmother for a week and drove down to say hi to us and also to the South Jersey beaches. We had an okay time of it, but I am not really great with strangers, even strangers with whom I share DNA. Also, I had been fired the day before and they wanted to go to the boardwalk where my ex-job was, so in a way what I say next is understandable, though it does not take away the sting. Before they left, my uncle took my mother aside and worriedly asked about me, saying I had seemed bothered by them, and had been barely present all day, abstracted, you get the idea. My mother thought nothing at all of this and told me about it offhand, but honestly, I had been trying pretty hard to get along with them. Apparently, I can't even make a good impression on my own family. Moving on.
3. A friend of mine going to an in-state school has some college friends in the area, and she tried to set me up. He was a really nice guy, a prefect gentleman. We had three dates. I felt nothing at all for him. He bought me flowers and paid for everything and it only made me feel guilty. It wasn't him, it was me! Moving on!
In summary, my real life these past few weeks has been made of failure, and I took it the way I always take it, which is by escaping from it by acquiring a new fandom. Which brings me to points 4 and 5. Please be warned that from here on out, there be SPOILERS.
4. OMG. DOCTOR WHO. OH MY GOD. Well, anyway. AWESOME. So. I mean, I missed out on 4 seasons of reaction posts, I might as well hit the highlights.
I love Rose and I love Doctor/Rose and I love how that was resolved because even if it was tragic, it was perfect. I liked Martha a lot too until she started getting all, you know, jealous and possessive, and then she just got tiresome very, very quickly. Jack and Donna never got possessive, they get all of my love. Love Captain Jack. Love Donna. Loved the 4th season, not sure how far I am in the minority or majority, but Donna and the Doctor was really refreshing, their dynamic was by far the most fun--free and easy. Well, you know, for the most part. Speaking of, I only cried once during my entire marathon and that was when Donna's grandfather is talking to the Doctor at the end of Journey's End, when he says, "when it gets dark and the stars come out, I'll look up. Oh her behalf, I'll look up at the sky and think of you." I just went to look up that quote and got misty all over again. God. So, so sad. But perfect, too.
5. Which brings me to Torchwood, which I do not have such rave reviews about. I think there is a disproportionate amount of crack in the fandom for how dark this series is. Or maybe I've just been exposed to a disproportionate amount of crack and thus become biased? Either way, I went in expecting a sort of Bonesian dark comedy and was unprepared for the truly epic amounts of angst that Torchwood Three puts out. I laughed out loud maybe ten times in all twenty-odd episodes and nearly all of those laughs centered on Ianto. Oh, Ianto. Ianto love. Did not love Jack though, what the hell. I suppose Jack works best for me when he is freewheeling and playing for the comic relief. Jack with responsibilities is not as hot for me. And speaking of hot or not, Jack/Gwen makes me retch, particularly the Gwen aspect. What a horrible character, not deserving of any of the guys she has eating out of her hand for no reason whatsoever. Not deserving of her role as moral compass, either. Whatever. They didn't kill Ianto and Martha is coming to be awesome wingwoman for Jack, because they are pretty cool together, united in their lost year and having played second fiddle to Rose. Next season, I will do my best to tune Gwen out as she tearbends self-righteously and focus more on the gay.
6. Victory of Eagles was SO SO SAD, GUYS. Laurence in this book made me cry over and over. Especially when he met the king and afterwords he just bursts out with, "O God, I wish I had not done it." O GOD, I BURST INTO TEARS. LAURENCE ILU. So much of my affection for him stems from his stubborn insistence toward duty and fairness and to see that all flung back in his face, to see his greatest assets become is greatest condemnations, MASTER STROKE. GOD.
And regarding the running problem I have with the Temeraire/Laurence dynamic, I think that once again Temeraire and his captain failed to fully reunite, but that it was much more understandable in this book than in all the other books previously. Their differing ideologies, differing ambitions, they all built up to this book, where Temeraire is forced for the first time to confront the fact that what is right is not necessarily what is easy, that his wonderful plans can have terrible side effects. And he does understand it, and he does try to make it up to Laurence as best he knows how. And it's not his fault that he doesn't understand the internal politics of the English military. It's also not his fault that he doesn't know what depression is. Laurence is too proud, and too full of paternal affection for Temeraire to confess the full to him. They kept missing each other in this book--physically, mentally, emotionally--but the misses were much more understandable. They were heart-wrenching, but in a proper way. They were supported by the narrative tone. And I yet hold hope that their relative isolation in Australia will help them to focus more on each other.
I do admit that it is a dim hope, made weak by many, many disappointments. But I still cannot fully give up the idea of Laurence finally facing his hangups with Temeraire's ideals head-on, once and for all. Nor can I give up the idea of Temeraire finally putting Laurence before his lofty ambitions, once and for all. In my head it is sort of a Gift of the Magi scenario in which they are both of them more willing to compromise than is necessary. I believe they are both capable of it. There just needs to be an opportunity for them to prove it. NAOMI NOVIK, PLEASE PROVE THIS TO ME. I AM A DOUBTING THOMAS. WHERE IS THE CROWNING MOMENT OF HEARTWARMING I HAVE BEEN MISSING?
7. I really don't have that much to say about this, sadly. I don't think it totally sunk in for me that the series is over over. There's still a movie! And supposedly a mini series! But this ending was pretty much what I was expecting, except obviously more awesome. Except, you know, there was this slight problem, which was that I was so busy rooting for the supporting characters having their Big Moments, that I ended up being kind of having no mental capslocking powers left by the real climaxes (i.e. the Azula/Zuko fight and the return of the Avatar State). Except for Joker!Azula. She was fuckin' scary in that battle. And the other problem is sort of embarrassing, but I'll explain it anyway.
Was anybody else turned off of Kataang by the end? I mean, I have been totally fine with Kataang for just about all of this series. Until Ember Island Players, when I started feeling like Katara's mixed signals were straying dangerously close to "she's just not that into you" territory. And the endless Zutara "SHE'S/HE'S NOT MY GIRL/BOYFRIEND" jokes? Do the ladies protest too much? And then there was basically nothing about Kataang until this random-ass kissing scene at the very end? SO CONFUSING. KATARA IS JUST ATTRACTED TO YOUR POWER AANG, YOU CAN DO BETTER. The other, "supporting" ships in Avatar were way more developed more than them, the supposed "main" pairing. Is it because Suki, Sokka, Mai, and Zuko are older that their soulful connections make more sense to me? Whatever it is, I just don't see Kataang working out in the long term the way I see Sukka and Maiko potentially doing so.
Also, Toph better be featured in the mini series because she totally got gypped in the happy ending lottery. Of course, I also understand that Toph is awesome enough to be her own happy ending. *cue Iron Man theme song* XD
That being said, there were many things I loved about it, despite my few quibbles. Toph being one. I also have to give props to the Zuko+Iroh reunion because I seriously had to get out of my chair and to a little dance around my room at that scene. Oh Zuko. You need Iroh to show you how uncomplicated your life can be. ALSO, HUGS! XD Also, coronation scene! GOD, SO AWESOME. ZUKO+AANG = BEST FRIENDS FOREVER. Also, Sokka. A bajillion ♥s. A satisfying end to a wholly great series. I'm also really glad I got caught up in time to take part in the batshit crazy love-in that is the Avatar fandom on a new episode high. AVATAR LOVE.
8. I also watched Dr. Horrible along with the rest of the Internet. I found it enjoyable, and the premise was definitely awesome, but I think it could have been a lot, well, more. It's shortness makes it great as a viral phenom, but as a story, I really think it could have benefited from some deeper character development. And I got the Dr Horrible bit, and the Sing-Along, but by the end, there was almost no grounding to the blog aspect. It seemed to me like a novelty that was used to draw in viewers and then abandoned as soon as the plot became evident, only to be returned to archly or as a convenient device to quickly illustrate the passage of time. I think a firmer use could have substantially deepened the emotional impact of that final moment in Act III, which I really loved, but which could have been even more gut-wrenching if the blog meant more to the viewers. At least, that is my personal opinion.
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT. MY LIFE, THIS JULY. Also, I managed to see Get Smart and Iron Man twice, missed The Dark Knight's opening week and instead saw the UNBELIEVABLY BAD MAMMA MIA. DON'T SEE THIS MOVIE UNLESS YOU ARE SOME SORT OF MASOCHIST. ACTUALLY, I THINK I HAVE TO GIVE THIS ANOTHER CUT JUST TO ADEQUATELY EXPRESS HOW HORRIBLE THIS MOVIE IS.
9. Alright. First and most importantly, the choreography in this movie was ABSOLUTE TORTURE TO WATCH. To quote Entertainment Weekly:
It's tempting to say that Mamma Mia! has the worst choreography of any big-screen musical in history, though that would imply that what happens in the film is choreography. The dorky flippered snorkelers who high-step down a sunlit dock to ''Lay All Your Love on Me,'' embarrassing as they are, can at least be accused of dancing. But most of the film's numbers consist of Meryl Streep, her two fellow feisty broads (Christine Baranski and Julie Walters), and a handful of other actors who can sort of sing cavorting on beaches with happy amateur glee, as if it were the first day of rehearsal and the director, Phyllida Lloyd, had tried to tune everyone into the ecstasies of ABBA by declaring: Let yourself go! Create your own dance steps! Feel the music!
To illustrate, in "Money, Money, Money" there is a fade out to Meryl Streep and her gal pals running around on a yacht with Meryl Steep sporting an improbably long and flowing scarf. This scene goes straight out of kitsch and into the realm of downright embarrassing and it only gets worse. I'm thinking in particular of the title song, as Streep "playfully" spies on her three ex-suitors from the roof of their shared quarters, and coyly walks her fingers to the hook on the trapdoor before pulling them back to writhe childishly on the roof as the camera pans above her. OH MY GOD, I CANNOT EVEN DESCRIBE THE WRETCHEDNESS OF THAT SCENE. I WAS ACTUALLY EMBARRASSED TO BE SITTING IN THE THEATER ALLOWING MY EYES TO BE RAPED IN SUCH A WAY.
The second and damning point is that Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan CAN. NOT. SING. Their weak voices ruin all of the emotional high points in the movie, and let's be honest here. I love ABBA. Yet I also know that their lyrics are the emotional equivalent of pancakes smothered in maple syrup--simplistic and overly sentimental. Whatever dramatic tension the Broadway casts manage to inject into these songs is laudable, but that completely disappears in the movie due to the inability of the actors to project their full emotions with their voices.
Also, they cast just-plain-fucking-creepy Dominic Cooper (also seen as Willoughby in the new Sense and Sensibility) as Sky, the groom. Something about his face just screams "BORN TO PLAY A SLEAZEBALL" at me, and seeing the way he played Willoughby seems to have cemented that characterization permanently in my brain. (In much the same way, I cannot take James McAvoy seriously as the next Toby Macguire/teen heartthrob because I continually add hooves to his lower extremities. This is just the way the cookie crumbled for me.) I kept thinking he was going to turn out to be a bad guy and we were going to get a three-against-one showdown of the male leads. Alas, that did not happen, instead they got a hot kiss as the spring rains down on them all (which is, actually, perfectly ruined by Colin Firth making an ass out of himself in the corner of the shot), and then they ride off into the starlit ocean together. Good for Sophie, I guess. I can't help it; I still think he's creepy.
I will give this movie one saving grace, although it ironically takes place after the movie has finished. THE CREDITS. THEY ARE AWESOME. You can almost palpably feel how much fun the cast had making this movie and it almost makes you want to try liking the movie more, if only to justify that enthusiasm. Key word, "almost." Also, any excuse to see Colin Firth in disco drag. Colin Firth in general in this movie takes the cake in absolute ridiculousness, but he brings a great deal of genuine comic relief to a movie where most of my laughter was of the horrifyingly embarrassed variety.
So anyway, if you have learned anything from this epic post, it is that you should avoid the majority of Mamma Mia! at all possible costs. And that I am most certainly not dead. Now I am going to go help get ready for my mother's annual birthday party/family reunion/picnic in the park which is taking place tomorrow. The theme this year is "Sunday In The Park With George" which we have cheerfully corrupted into parasols, polka dots, and picnic food. What can I say, it makes my mother happy.
1. Considering this is the thing I want to talk about the least, I thought I would talk about it first. Prelude: Senior Employee does the scheduling by phone as she is making the things up, confirming everybody's hours with them as she goes along. On Friday, she schedules me to come in Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I am relieved of duty by The Boss on Sunday because the weather wasn't good enough to warrant the support shift I was supposed to work.
Then on Monday, I get a call from Senior Employee asking why I wasn't at the store. I am shocked! I had not been scheduled to come in on Monday! Senior Employee replies of course you were scheduled, it's on the print-out at the store which you must have looked at since you came in on Saturday. I had indeed looked at the schedule countless times in passing, but only on the days I was expecting to work to see who I was on with.
Meanwhile, at the store, one of the junior employees had been working by himself and gotten into a muddle which brought The Boss down on his head. And I hadn't been there to get him through it instead of her. This apparently truly inconvenienced The Boss, who was supposed to be doing some family thing. Bing, bang, bongo, Senior Employee and The Boss have a conference and I get a message from Senior Employee saying they're going to have to "give away my hours." I called The Boss to properly apologize to her for the inconvenience, to confirm I had actually been fired, and if so, to ask about picking up my final check. She calls me back much later to apologize herself, saying that she understood how the mistake was made, but she has to set an example to the other employees etc etc. She did say she would give me a good reference, although I don't see how working a month and a half and then getting fired would look good on a resume, no matter how willing your boss is to say that you are a "sweet girl."
I am bitter about this job. They were confused about the direction the business was going to take and were constantly changing their minds about important aspects of my job description. It made it very difficult for me to become proficient in any part of the job. I never got a chance to overcome my initial clumsiness and I felt utterly useless a lot of the time, which left me--and no doubt my employers--very dissatisfied. The fact that I got fired over a huge misunderstanding, and that it was yet another misunderstanding centering on Senior Employee, who was always the one who insisted I was doing things wrong, even when I was doing things the way I was initially taught, leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But, hell. It's over and done. I am moving on.
2. Also, my far-flung uncle (residences currently in Australia and Belgium) and his son (he also has two daughters and a wife not appearing in this numbered point) came to visit my grandmother for a week and drove down to say hi to us and also to the South Jersey beaches. We had an okay time of it, but I am not really great with strangers, even strangers with whom I share DNA. Also, I had been fired the day before and they wanted to go to the boardwalk where my ex-job was, so in a way what I say next is understandable, though it does not take away the sting. Before they left, my uncle took my mother aside and worriedly asked about me, saying I had seemed bothered by them, and had been barely present all day, abstracted, you get the idea. My mother thought nothing at all of this and told me about it offhand, but honestly, I had been trying pretty hard to get along with them. Apparently, I can't even make a good impression on my own family. Moving on.
3. A friend of mine going to an in-state school has some college friends in the area, and she tried to set me up. He was a really nice guy, a prefect gentleman. We had three dates. I felt nothing at all for him. He bought me flowers and paid for everything and it only made me feel guilty. It wasn't him, it was me! Moving on!
In summary, my real life these past few weeks has been made of failure, and I took it the way I always take it, which is by escaping from it by acquiring a new fandom. Which brings me to points 4 and 5. Please be warned that from here on out, there be SPOILERS.
4. OMG. DOCTOR WHO. OH MY GOD. Well, anyway. AWESOME. So. I mean, I missed out on 4 seasons of reaction posts, I might as well hit the highlights.
I love Rose and I love Doctor/Rose and I love how that was resolved because even if it was tragic, it was perfect. I liked Martha a lot too until she started getting all, you know, jealous and possessive, and then she just got tiresome very, very quickly. Jack and Donna never got possessive, they get all of my love. Love Captain Jack. Love Donna. Loved the 4th season, not sure how far I am in the minority or majority, but Donna and the Doctor was really refreshing, their dynamic was by far the most fun--free and easy. Well, you know, for the most part. Speaking of, I only cried once during my entire marathon and that was when Donna's grandfather is talking to the Doctor at the end of Journey's End, when he says, "when it gets dark and the stars come out, I'll look up. Oh her behalf, I'll look up at the sky and think of you." I just went to look up that quote and got misty all over again. God. So, so sad. But perfect, too.
5. Which brings me to Torchwood, which I do not have such rave reviews about. I think there is a disproportionate amount of crack in the fandom for how dark this series is. Or maybe I've just been exposed to a disproportionate amount of crack and thus become biased? Either way, I went in expecting a sort of Bonesian dark comedy and was unprepared for the truly epic amounts of angst that Torchwood Three puts out. I laughed out loud maybe ten times in all twenty-odd episodes and nearly all of those laughs centered on Ianto. Oh, Ianto. Ianto love. Did not love Jack though, what the hell. I suppose Jack works best for me when he is freewheeling and playing for the comic relief. Jack with responsibilities is not as hot for me. And speaking of hot or not, Jack/Gwen makes me retch, particularly the Gwen aspect. What a horrible character, not deserving of any of the guys she has eating out of her hand for no reason whatsoever. Not deserving of her role as moral compass, either. Whatever. They didn't kill Ianto and Martha is coming to be awesome wingwoman for Jack, because they are pretty cool together, united in their lost year and having played second fiddle to Rose. Next season, I will do my best to tune Gwen out as she tearbends self-righteously and focus more on the gay.
6. Victory of Eagles was SO SO SAD, GUYS. Laurence in this book made me cry over and over. Especially when he met the king and afterwords he just bursts out with, "O God, I wish I had not done it." O GOD, I BURST INTO TEARS. LAURENCE ILU. So much of my affection for him stems from his stubborn insistence toward duty and fairness and to see that all flung back in his face, to see his greatest assets become is greatest condemnations, MASTER STROKE. GOD.
And regarding the running problem I have with the Temeraire/Laurence dynamic, I think that once again Temeraire and his captain failed to fully reunite, but that it was much more understandable in this book than in all the other books previously. Their differing ideologies, differing ambitions, they all built up to this book, where Temeraire is forced for the first time to confront the fact that what is right is not necessarily what is easy, that his wonderful plans can have terrible side effects. And he does understand it, and he does try to make it up to Laurence as best he knows how. And it's not his fault that he doesn't understand the internal politics of the English military. It's also not his fault that he doesn't know what depression is. Laurence is too proud, and too full of paternal affection for Temeraire to confess the full to him. They kept missing each other in this book--physically, mentally, emotionally--but the misses were much more understandable. They were heart-wrenching, but in a proper way. They were supported by the narrative tone. And I yet hold hope that their relative isolation in Australia will help them to focus more on each other.
I do admit that it is a dim hope, made weak by many, many disappointments. But I still cannot fully give up the idea of Laurence finally facing his hangups with Temeraire's ideals head-on, once and for all. Nor can I give up the idea of Temeraire finally putting Laurence before his lofty ambitions, once and for all. In my head it is sort of a Gift of the Magi scenario in which they are both of them more willing to compromise than is necessary. I believe they are both capable of it. There just needs to be an opportunity for them to prove it. NAOMI NOVIK, PLEASE PROVE THIS TO ME. I AM A DOUBTING THOMAS. WHERE IS THE CROWNING MOMENT OF HEARTWARMING I HAVE BEEN MISSING?
7. I really don't have that much to say about this, sadly. I don't think it totally sunk in for me that the series is over over. There's still a movie! And supposedly a mini series! But this ending was pretty much what I was expecting, except obviously more awesome. Except, you know, there was this slight problem, which was that I was so busy rooting for the supporting characters having their Big Moments, that I ended up being kind of having no mental capslocking powers left by the real climaxes (i.e. the Azula/Zuko fight and the return of the Avatar State). Except for Joker!Azula. She was fuckin' scary in that battle. And the other problem is sort of embarrassing, but I'll explain it anyway.
Was anybody else turned off of Kataang by the end? I mean, I have been totally fine with Kataang for just about all of this series. Until Ember Island Players, when I started feeling like Katara's mixed signals were straying dangerously close to "she's just not that into you" territory. And the endless Zutara "SHE'S/HE'S NOT MY GIRL/BOYFRIEND" jokes? Do the ladies protest too much? And then there was basically nothing about Kataang until this random-ass kissing scene at the very end? SO CONFUSING. KATARA IS JUST ATTRACTED TO YOUR POWER AANG, YOU CAN DO BETTER. The other, "supporting" ships in Avatar were way more developed more than them, the supposed "main" pairing. Is it because Suki, Sokka, Mai, and Zuko are older that their soulful connections make more sense to me? Whatever it is, I just don't see Kataang working out in the long term the way I see Sukka and Maiko potentially doing so.
Also, Toph better be featured in the mini series because she totally got gypped in the happy ending lottery. Of course, I also understand that Toph is awesome enough to be her own happy ending. *cue Iron Man theme song* XD
That being said, there were many things I loved about it, despite my few quibbles. Toph being one. I also have to give props to the Zuko+Iroh reunion because I seriously had to get out of my chair and to a little dance around my room at that scene. Oh Zuko. You need Iroh to show you how uncomplicated your life can be. ALSO, HUGS! XD Also, coronation scene! GOD, SO AWESOME. ZUKO+AANG = BEST FRIENDS FOREVER. Also, Sokka. A bajillion ♥s. A satisfying end to a wholly great series. I'm also really glad I got caught up in time to take part in the batshit crazy love-in that is the Avatar fandom on a new episode high. AVATAR LOVE.
8. I also watched Dr. Horrible along with the rest of the Internet. I found it enjoyable, and the premise was definitely awesome, but I think it could have been a lot, well, more. It's shortness makes it great as a viral phenom, but as a story, I really think it could have benefited from some deeper character development. And I got the Dr Horrible bit, and the Sing-Along, but by the end, there was almost no grounding to the blog aspect. It seemed to me like a novelty that was used to draw in viewers and then abandoned as soon as the plot became evident, only to be returned to archly or as a convenient device to quickly illustrate the passage of time. I think a firmer use could have substantially deepened the emotional impact of that final moment in Act III, which I really loved, but which could have been even more gut-wrenching if the blog meant more to the viewers. At least, that is my personal opinion.
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT. MY LIFE, THIS JULY. Also, I managed to see Get Smart and Iron Man twice, missed The Dark Knight's opening week and instead saw the UNBELIEVABLY BAD MAMMA MIA. DON'T SEE THIS MOVIE UNLESS YOU ARE SOME SORT OF MASOCHIST. ACTUALLY, I THINK I HAVE TO GIVE THIS ANOTHER CUT JUST TO ADEQUATELY EXPRESS HOW HORRIBLE THIS MOVIE IS.
9. Alright. First and most importantly, the choreography in this movie was ABSOLUTE TORTURE TO WATCH. To quote Entertainment Weekly:
It's tempting to say that Mamma Mia! has the worst choreography of any big-screen musical in history, though that would imply that what happens in the film is choreography. The dorky flippered snorkelers who high-step down a sunlit dock to ''Lay All Your Love on Me,'' embarrassing as they are, can at least be accused of dancing. But most of the film's numbers consist of Meryl Streep, her two fellow feisty broads (Christine Baranski and Julie Walters), and a handful of other actors who can sort of sing cavorting on beaches with happy amateur glee, as if it were the first day of rehearsal and the director, Phyllida Lloyd, had tried to tune everyone into the ecstasies of ABBA by declaring: Let yourself go! Create your own dance steps! Feel the music!
To illustrate, in "Money, Money, Money" there is a fade out to Meryl Streep and her gal pals running around on a yacht with Meryl Steep sporting an improbably long and flowing scarf. This scene goes straight out of kitsch and into the realm of downright embarrassing and it only gets worse. I'm thinking in particular of the title song, as Streep "playfully" spies on her three ex-suitors from the roof of their shared quarters, and coyly walks her fingers to the hook on the trapdoor before pulling them back to writhe childishly on the roof as the camera pans above her. OH MY GOD, I CANNOT EVEN DESCRIBE THE WRETCHEDNESS OF THAT SCENE. I WAS ACTUALLY EMBARRASSED TO BE SITTING IN THE THEATER ALLOWING MY EYES TO BE RAPED IN SUCH A WAY.
The second and damning point is that Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan CAN. NOT. SING. Their weak voices ruin all of the emotional high points in the movie, and let's be honest here. I love ABBA. Yet I also know that their lyrics are the emotional equivalent of pancakes smothered in maple syrup--simplistic and overly sentimental. Whatever dramatic tension the Broadway casts manage to inject into these songs is laudable, but that completely disappears in the movie due to the inability of the actors to project their full emotions with their voices.
Also, they cast just-plain-fucking-creepy Dominic Cooper (also seen as Willoughby in the new Sense and Sensibility) as Sky, the groom. Something about his face just screams "BORN TO PLAY A SLEAZEBALL" at me, and seeing the way he played Willoughby seems to have cemented that characterization permanently in my brain. (In much the same way, I cannot take James McAvoy seriously as the next Toby Macguire/teen heartthrob because I continually add hooves to his lower extremities. This is just the way the cookie crumbled for me.) I kept thinking he was going to turn out to be a bad guy and we were going to get a three-against-one showdown of the male leads. Alas, that did not happen, instead they got a hot kiss as the spring rains down on them all (which is, actually, perfectly ruined by Colin Firth making an ass out of himself in the corner of the shot), and then they ride off into the starlit ocean together. Good for Sophie, I guess. I can't help it; I still think he's creepy.
I will give this movie one saving grace, although it ironically takes place after the movie has finished. THE CREDITS. THEY ARE AWESOME. You can almost palpably feel how much fun the cast had making this movie and it almost makes you want to try liking the movie more, if only to justify that enthusiasm. Key word, "almost." Also, any excuse to see Colin Firth in disco drag. Colin Firth in general in this movie takes the cake in absolute ridiculousness, but he brings a great deal of genuine comic relief to a movie where most of my laughter was of the horrifyingly embarrassed variety.
So anyway, if you have learned anything from this epic post, it is that you should avoid the majority of Mamma Mia! at all possible costs. And that I am most certainly not dead. Now I am going to go help get ready for my mother's annual birthday party/family reunion/picnic in the park which is taking place tomorrow. The theme this year is "Sunday In The Park With George" which we have cheerfully corrupted into parasols, polka dots, and picnic food. What can I say, it makes my mother happy.