They'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time.
For some reason I've been stuck in the past for the last couple weeks, and I'm not sure why. I feel like I'm back in 11th grade again; I never leave my room and I've begun restricting what I eat. Is this how I'm going to be for the rest of my life?...Living waves of happiness for a period of time, only for the undertow to suck me back under so I'm left struggling to keep my head above water?
I'm tired of being unable to process my thoughts correctly. All I do now is repeat the same few things in my head. I don't think any more. I really don't. And that scares me.
I've been wondering if I have a bit of bi-polar in me. I go through periods where all I want to do is be away from my house and out in the world, and then I become a recluse and refuse to talk or hang out with anyone. It takes me hours to leave the house. It takes all that I have inside me to just get out of bed. I don't know what the hell is going on with me, but I figured it's about time to let it out.
Maybe....I'll say everything that's going on in my life right now.
My brother was kicked out of the house. He lives in a house with 3 other guys who have not and will not amount to anything in life. That frightens me, because my brother had a lot going for him at one point, and now he smokes and drinks his brain away every single day. He thinks my family hates him and lives in a world full of self-loathing and pity, when he really should be proving that he can make it on his own and make something of himself. It really makes me sad to see where he was in high school compared to where he is now. I love my brother more than anything in the world and to see him like that breaks my heart. But I don't know how to help him. Is it even up to me to fix things? Or should it all be on him?
My grandmother is fighting Leukemia. She's been going once every week or so for 4 hour "experimental injections" that she never quite explained to me, or anyone else for that matter. All I know is she goes to the doctor at 8am every tuesday and has a series of injections that lasts 4 hours. She's losing weight, she's tired all the time, and she doesn't really eat a lot. I told her she needs to start smoking weed, and she said "What, and get all skinny like those other people are that do that?" I informed her that "those other people" were smoking crack and doing heroin, and that if anything she'd gain a lot of weight from smoking pot due to the munchies she'd get. Trust, if my grandma went along with it, I'd totally toke it up with her.
My mother got a boob job almost 2 weeks ago. She's struggled for a long time with her looks. I can't see why, because she is a beautiful, beautiful woman. I love my mom, and the fact that her body disgusts her makes me so sad. But if getting bigger tits will make her feel better about herself, then by all means she can do what she wants. I'm just afraid this won't be the last plastic surgery she gets. She was saying she wanted a tummy tuck and/or some lipo. Talk about scary....that stuff is pretty vicious. I guess she's where I get my amazingly warped body image. I've grown up with her complaining about her weight and how flat chested she was. And I've been struggling with my weight for 3, almost 4 years now. I guess that kind of stuff is learned. And the depression and possible bi-polar is inherited from my father.
My father. The man who's been absent for a majority of my life, and when he actually was present, the memories of that are more unpleasant than anything else. But, for some odd reason, I would do anything to talk to him again. I think it would help with a lot of things I've held onto for a long time. But I'm also afraid he'll just hurt me again and I don't think I could handle that, especially if I'm going in there with the hope that things can be resolved and I could have an actual relationship with my dad.
Then there's Jon. My boyfriend. The only person who has ever loved me enough to forgive me for doing a horrible thing to him years ago. Granted, it was in the very early years high school, but it's still unacceptable to do to anyone at any time. I love him so much more than I ever thought I could do again, and it's a little scary. He inspires me to be a better person and actually try to do something with my life. His passion for music is beautiful to me, and makes me want to be passionate about, well, anything again. Because god knows I've been nothing but a bump on a log lately. It's kind of weird how you can have something perfect and amazing, but depression can cloud it over and suck the happiness out of you. I appreciate him with all my heart and I love that he genuinely cares for me and wants the best for me. I just wish I could be better for him. I wish I could be happy with myself so I can be a better girlfriend. He deserves the best, and sometimes I feel like I can't give that to him. It makes me feel bad, and sort of selfish for sticking around...but something keeps him with me. He sees something in me that I need to see, and I hope that one day I can see that and become everything he needs. I love him with all my heart and would love to see us together for a very long time. This is our chance for true happiness, and I'm going to try my best to make sure that happens.
So Jon, I know you'll read this, and I wanted to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart and soul, for loving me and treating me like I'm the most beautiful person in the world. You mean the world to me, and I wouldn't want what we have to change for anything.
Unless Natalie Portman comes in and swoops you off your feet, in which case I will be extremely jealous (on both parts), but will let you go be happy with your gorgeous, superstar lover.
/end bitching.
I'm tired of being unable to process my thoughts correctly. All I do now is repeat the same few things in my head. I don't think any more. I really don't. And that scares me.
I've been wondering if I have a bit of bi-polar in me. I go through periods where all I want to do is be away from my house and out in the world, and then I become a recluse and refuse to talk or hang out with anyone. It takes me hours to leave the house. It takes all that I have inside me to just get out of bed. I don't know what the hell is going on with me, but I figured it's about time to let it out.
Maybe....I'll say everything that's going on in my life right now.
My brother was kicked out of the house. He lives in a house with 3 other guys who have not and will not amount to anything in life. That frightens me, because my brother had a lot going for him at one point, and now he smokes and drinks his brain away every single day. He thinks my family hates him and lives in a world full of self-loathing and pity, when he really should be proving that he can make it on his own and make something of himself. It really makes me sad to see where he was in high school compared to where he is now. I love my brother more than anything in the world and to see him like that breaks my heart. But I don't know how to help him. Is it even up to me to fix things? Or should it all be on him?
My grandmother is fighting Leukemia. She's been going once every week or so for 4 hour "experimental injections" that she never quite explained to me, or anyone else for that matter. All I know is she goes to the doctor at 8am every tuesday and has a series of injections that lasts 4 hours. She's losing weight, she's tired all the time, and she doesn't really eat a lot. I told her she needs to start smoking weed, and she said "What, and get all skinny like those other people are that do that?" I informed her that "those other people" were smoking crack and doing heroin, and that if anything she'd gain a lot of weight from smoking pot due to the munchies she'd get. Trust, if my grandma went along with it, I'd totally toke it up with her.
My mother got a boob job almost 2 weeks ago. She's struggled for a long time with her looks. I can't see why, because she is a beautiful, beautiful woman. I love my mom, and the fact that her body disgusts her makes me so sad. But if getting bigger tits will make her feel better about herself, then by all means she can do what she wants. I'm just afraid this won't be the last plastic surgery she gets. She was saying she wanted a tummy tuck and/or some lipo. Talk about scary....that stuff is pretty vicious. I guess she's where I get my amazingly warped body image. I've grown up with her complaining about her weight and how flat chested she was. And I've been struggling with my weight for 3, almost 4 years now. I guess that kind of stuff is learned. And the depression and possible bi-polar is inherited from my father.
My father. The man who's been absent for a majority of my life, and when he actually was present, the memories of that are more unpleasant than anything else. But, for some odd reason, I would do anything to talk to him again. I think it would help with a lot of things I've held onto for a long time. But I'm also afraid he'll just hurt me again and I don't think I could handle that, especially if I'm going in there with the hope that things can be resolved and I could have an actual relationship with my dad.
Then there's Jon. My boyfriend. The only person who has ever loved me enough to forgive me for doing a horrible thing to him years ago. Granted, it was in the very early years high school, but it's still unacceptable to do to anyone at any time. I love him so much more than I ever thought I could do again, and it's a little scary. He inspires me to be a better person and actually try to do something with my life. His passion for music is beautiful to me, and makes me want to be passionate about, well, anything again. Because god knows I've been nothing but a bump on a log lately. It's kind of weird how you can have something perfect and amazing, but depression can cloud it over and suck the happiness out of you. I appreciate him with all my heart and I love that he genuinely cares for me and wants the best for me. I just wish I could be better for him. I wish I could be happy with myself so I can be a better girlfriend. He deserves the best, and sometimes I feel like I can't give that to him. It makes me feel bad, and sort of selfish for sticking around...but something keeps him with me. He sees something in me that I need to see, and I hope that one day I can see that and become everything he needs. I love him with all my heart and would love to see us together for a very long time. This is our chance for true happiness, and I'm going to try my best to make sure that happens.
So Jon, I know you'll read this, and I wanted to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart and soul, for loving me and treating me like I'm the most beautiful person in the world. You mean the world to me, and I wouldn't want what we have to change for anything.
Unless Natalie Portman comes in and swoops you off your feet, in which case I will be extremely jealous (on both parts), but will let you go be happy with your gorgeous, superstar lover.
/end bitching.