-mondays-
why are mondays so tiring?
i don't think my weekends are long enough...
could be, i was out in the sun all afternoon yesterday...that poops me out...
oh well...
i don't want to go back to work...i want to sit here and do nothing...i don't even want to think...
i'm lying in bed last night, unable to fall asleep, and my phone starts going off...AM is texting me, so i write her back, and we go back and forth for a while...finally i had to pop a tylenol PM b/c i didnt' see myself getting any sleep...i started getting teary-eyed and feeling sad...
how do people know if things could work out? how do they know if they can't? i feel there are no definates. you can keep on going along as you've been, regardless of how happy or unhappy each person is in the relationship...but that doesn't mean the relationship is working out...staying together means nothing if it just ain't working...and it's like you just know...it's a feeling...i'm sure some people just give up easy and don't think twice about what could happen, but in the case of AM and i, we tried, it didn't work, and that's fine because we gave it a shot...i feel we're meant to be good friends, and i'm thankful we've reached the point where we are now without any mess...
my main concern about myself is that i know i don't open up...i do for a while, and then it's like something triggers this force field i put up around myself...then the guilt and worry about this consumes me to a point where i feel paralyzed, and it's just easier to not feel...
i can't help but think about the similarities between my father and myself...growing up, i remember feeling somewhat ambivalent about my dad because he didn't participate in our lives...he wasn't an asshole by any means, or abusive, he just was a workaholic and alcoholic...he kept his distance because he didn't know how to give of himself, and that affected our relationship for a long time...it wasn't until he and mom divorced that i really began to want to know my dad...i wanted to let myself love him...this all comes rushing back to me because i have always felt i had a lot in common with my dad, and this includes the difficulty of being emotionally available...it's denial of feelings...i think back to last August when AM and i had started talking, and things started for us...it felt so perfect...there were no red flags and nothing stopped me from wanting to show her how i felt...i feel like i probably let go of myself too fast...i lost part of myself in wanting to give her as much as i could...i have been going through so much since i moved here...i've been walking around with a little black cloud hovering overhead most of the time, because of several big changes to my life and routine, and the absence of goals...i felt so lost...AM kept me grounded and was my constant in the midst of the chaos...now it's as if my life is getting back in order, and i'm on track again...i'm wanting to take better care of myself...but now i'm not with her...i'm blessed to have her friendship, but i can't help but feel that i haven't yet learned how to balance things out...i must learn how to live in the middle of the black/white continuum, or else i'm always going to overdo, burn out, and be unhappy...if i continue on without healthy balance, i see myself as either a: single, successful, and miserable or b: in a relationship, bored, and miserable...i do want to be in a relationship again someday, just not right now...not for a while...i need time to get myself together...i want things to work out so that i'll be able to be taking care of myself, devoting myself to my partner without sacrificing myself, successful and challenged in my career, and happy...i'm getting there, it just takes time... :)
i'm cutting out carbonated beverages as of today...plain ol' h2o...i drink a ton of it anyway, so no biggie...
here's something random i just now wrote out, thinking about my mom's work with clay:
-terra cotta-
heavy, damp, shapeless
in the palm of your hand...
you pound and knead...
over and over
until you think i'm ready...
you begin to shape me
into what i will be...
smoothing my edges...
pulling, pushing...
meticulously...
you place me into fire
so hot, so intense...
it makes me strong...
i cannot bend, but
i can break...
i'm not perfect...
out of fire
i am born...
through my trials
i have grown.
ok, i'm a cheeseball...but you all know it! :)
gotta head back to el worko...argh
i don't think my weekends are long enough...
could be, i was out in the sun all afternoon yesterday...that poops me out...
oh well...
i don't want to go back to work...i want to sit here and do nothing...i don't even want to think...
i'm lying in bed last night, unable to fall asleep, and my phone starts going off...AM is texting me, so i write her back, and we go back and forth for a while...finally i had to pop a tylenol PM b/c i didnt' see myself getting any sleep...i started getting teary-eyed and feeling sad...
how do people know if things could work out? how do they know if they can't? i feel there are no definates. you can keep on going along as you've been, regardless of how happy or unhappy each person is in the relationship...but that doesn't mean the relationship is working out...staying together means nothing if it just ain't working...and it's like you just know...it's a feeling...i'm sure some people just give up easy and don't think twice about what could happen, but in the case of AM and i, we tried, it didn't work, and that's fine because we gave it a shot...i feel we're meant to be good friends, and i'm thankful we've reached the point where we are now without any mess...
my main concern about myself is that i know i don't open up...i do for a while, and then it's like something triggers this force field i put up around myself...then the guilt and worry about this consumes me to a point where i feel paralyzed, and it's just easier to not feel...
i can't help but think about the similarities between my father and myself...growing up, i remember feeling somewhat ambivalent about my dad because he didn't participate in our lives...he wasn't an asshole by any means, or abusive, he just was a workaholic and alcoholic...he kept his distance because he didn't know how to give of himself, and that affected our relationship for a long time...it wasn't until he and mom divorced that i really began to want to know my dad...i wanted to let myself love him...this all comes rushing back to me because i have always felt i had a lot in common with my dad, and this includes the difficulty of being emotionally available...it's denial of feelings...i think back to last August when AM and i had started talking, and things started for us...it felt so perfect...there were no red flags and nothing stopped me from wanting to show her how i felt...i feel like i probably let go of myself too fast...i lost part of myself in wanting to give her as much as i could...i have been going through so much since i moved here...i've been walking around with a little black cloud hovering overhead most of the time, because of several big changes to my life and routine, and the absence of goals...i felt so lost...AM kept me grounded and was my constant in the midst of the chaos...now it's as if my life is getting back in order, and i'm on track again...i'm wanting to take better care of myself...but now i'm not with her...i'm blessed to have her friendship, but i can't help but feel that i haven't yet learned how to balance things out...i must learn how to live in the middle of the black/white continuum, or else i'm always going to overdo, burn out, and be unhappy...if i continue on without healthy balance, i see myself as either a: single, successful, and miserable or b: in a relationship, bored, and miserable...i do want to be in a relationship again someday, just not right now...not for a while...i need time to get myself together...i want things to work out so that i'll be able to be taking care of myself, devoting myself to my partner without sacrificing myself, successful and challenged in my career, and happy...i'm getting there, it just takes time... :)
i'm cutting out carbonated beverages as of today...plain ol' h2o...i drink a ton of it anyway, so no biggie...
here's something random i just now wrote out, thinking about my mom's work with clay:
-terra cotta-
heavy, damp, shapeless
in the palm of your hand...
you pound and knead...
over and over
until you think i'm ready...
you begin to shape me
into what i will be...
smoothing my edges...
pulling, pushing...
meticulously...
you place me into fire
so hot, so intense...
it makes me strong...
i cannot bend, but
i can break...
i'm not perfect...
out of fire
i am born...
through my trials
i have grown.
ok, i'm a cheeseball...but you all know it! :)
gotta head back to el worko...argh