Confused
When Elijah and I first met, it felt to me like we were two long-lost brothers brought together once again. We came together that first afternoon, and have every day since, knowing each other in ways that are unexplainable, as we’d actually never met before the filming of Rings. But there was something there, a bond, just waiting to be bridged, and without fail, that bond between us has grown and solidified. I care so much for him, and thinking back, I wonder if it isn’t some master plan that we landed the roles that we did, that we’ve become such fast friends, because I know he needs someone. I know he’s lonely despite how he carries on with Dom and Billy and the rest of the cast members, who have accepted him as one of their own, despite his age. He may be young, but he’s got more acting experience than most of us, and that respect has been shown by everyone here, but I know he yearns for something closer. I think I’m becoming that person to him, and I’m only more than happy to be that. I’m really becoming “his Sam”.
Lately, though, he’s given me a lot to think about. His behavior around me, well… it’s changing. Not in a bad way, necessarily either, but just… changing. I see things in him now, how he regards me, little gestures, little comments and the way he tries to hide his blushing cheeks from me, and I have to wonder. I’ve never heard him speak of a girlfriend. Hell, I’ve never even heard him speak of girls, period. OK, he’s only eighteen, almost nineteen, but most guys his age… they’re at least looking. Or looking at them. Elijah doesn’t. And of course, that doesn’t have to mean a thing. Or it could mean a lot. After this camping trip, I’m hedging on the possibility that it means a lot.
I’m beginning to get the feeling that there may be something more to our relationship, at least in his mind. After sitting and thinking about it this afternoon, I realized that while we were camping, and away from Chris and Alex, he played me. And he played me well… at least as well as he could for someone who was totally clueless to him possible intentions. But I see now that there were circumstances that just… look a certain way in my eyes now, and its got me wondering. Wondering why it is that he can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore unless it’s under my roof, or why it is that as close as we are, we were both fumbling around each other all weekend, feeling awkward. Oh, and of course… the sleeping arrangements, which were a good practical idea, but I started to understand something was different when I woke up that first morning and my arms were around him. I’d slept with my arms around him. And he’d kill me if he knew that I knew this, but he is the one who woke me, curled in my arms and taking care of some rather… personal… business while I slept, though I remained stone still so as not to embarrass the hell out of him. That would have been damaging to us, to the friendship that we do have, I think, which leads me to believe he and I have somehow gone beyond the best friend level, though I don’t recall when it happened.
I may be wrong, but I’m thinking he thinks he’s attracted to me, though my guess is that it’s probably just the fact that I’m always here for him and provide a safe haven for him. I may be wrong in thinking that he knew exactly what he was doing, setting up our sleeping bags, and then following me back from fishing, and then joining me for a hike, just the two of us, where we had some pretty personal conversation about all kinds of things - and all the other “inconspicuous” little happenings that continued throughout the trip. And I may be wrong as well in thinking that if this is the case, I need to steer him clear of me, because, well… I think it’s pretty obvious, the reasons. Remain his friend and make sure he understands that it can’t be anything more than that. I’m not really the one that he wants anyway. I can’t possibly be.
The problem though, is that the more I think about all that, about impressing on him that I’m his friend and nothing more, the more I think I want to be that person for him, and I don’t quite understand these new feelings in me.