(no subject)
I have been struggling a lot with school this term. I am getting my work done, but by and large it is not quality work. It is not that I don't have enough time; I do. I feel that my assignments are so ambiguous and the load so overwhelming that I feel like I can't get a firm grip on it, so I don't start until a few hours before it's due.
I'm not failing by any means, but it's sort of disconcerting. The last few semesters I'd felt like I'd really got the whole school thing dialed in, finding a way to do my work and do it well. I was able to score my first 4.0 semester, and the semesters sandwiching that one have been very close. Now I am turning in papers that are just not that great and it makes me feel kind of stupid. I feel like I bring nothing original or thoughtful into class. Sometimes it makes me question whether I am in the right field.
The truth is I've had an extremely difficult time for the last year or so engaging in any sort of self-improving habits. I am not eating very well nor taking good care of my body, nor challenging my mind very often. I know it's possible though, 2005-2007 I was so much better about staying fit and eating well. Now, I'm largely apathetic towards those things. Alas. I do keep the apartment very clean; I like spending time doing chores because it makes me feel productive. But by Saturday afternoon all my chores are done, and I sit around feeling paralyzed.
I know some of it is due to my social life, or relative lack thereof. Friends definitely influence habits, especially eating habits. The people I do occasionally see can be counted on to eat fast food for at least three dinners a week. I'm not that bad, but I do buy a lot of crap at the grocery store. I think my lack of interest in fitness is also somewhat influenced by my social circle. This may be silly, but the single biggest factor driving me to work out regularly late 2005 through early 2007 was competing with Matt. He was always so much better with the ladies and peers, and he was always looking so much better, it drove me absolutely nuts. So I felt like I had to one-up him in that regard, and that is literally where almost all of the motivation came from. Sure, once I got started I noticed the improvements in self-confidence and my general mind-state, but it was always that "competition" in the back of my mind which drove me. Now I just don't care that much...
Well I am glad to have shared that. I know that I am intelligent individual and I am capable of doing good and important things, so I am trying hard to shake this feeling of impotence. I suppose it all has to come from within. Thank you for reading.
I'm not failing by any means, but it's sort of disconcerting. The last few semesters I'd felt like I'd really got the whole school thing dialed in, finding a way to do my work and do it well. I was able to score my first 4.0 semester, and the semesters sandwiching that one have been very close. Now I am turning in papers that are just not that great and it makes me feel kind of stupid. I feel like I bring nothing original or thoughtful into class. Sometimes it makes me question whether I am in the right field.
The truth is I've had an extremely difficult time for the last year or so engaging in any sort of self-improving habits. I am not eating very well nor taking good care of my body, nor challenging my mind very often. I know it's possible though, 2005-2007 I was so much better about staying fit and eating well. Now, I'm largely apathetic towards those things. Alas. I do keep the apartment very clean; I like spending time doing chores because it makes me feel productive. But by Saturday afternoon all my chores are done, and I sit around feeling paralyzed.
I know some of it is due to my social life, or relative lack thereof. Friends definitely influence habits, especially eating habits. The people I do occasionally see can be counted on to eat fast food for at least three dinners a week. I'm not that bad, but I do buy a lot of crap at the grocery store. I think my lack of interest in fitness is also somewhat influenced by my social circle. This may be silly, but the single biggest factor driving me to work out regularly late 2005 through early 2007 was competing with Matt. He was always so much better with the ladies and peers, and he was always looking so much better, it drove me absolutely nuts. So I felt like I had to one-up him in that regard, and that is literally where almost all of the motivation came from. Sure, once I got started I noticed the improvements in self-confidence and my general mind-state, but it was always that "competition" in the back of my mind which drove me. Now I just don't care that much...
Well I am glad to have shared that. I know that I am intelligent individual and I am capable of doing good and important things, so I am trying hard to shake this feeling of impotence. I suppose it all has to come from within. Thank you for reading.