upgraded.
I have tourettes. It stems from my anxiety. I have high anxiety. I tick and I scream out words such as, "fuck!" and "shit!"
Not all the time. This happens when im nervous and especially after a cup of coffee.
I like a lot of cream and sugar so it makes my nerves even worse.
Ive realized over the years that almost of my friends in Watsonville have some sort of disorder. I think everyone has something.
Tourettes.
OCD.
Bipolar.
Passive-aggressive.
Compulsive…
The list can go on and on.
The reason I am writing this is because I have to.
As a writer, mainly as a poet.
I have to express myself through art.
Photography, poetry, short stories, screenplays, dancing, painting, drawing, even sex…it all helps.
The reason why my tourettes is acting up is because im watching a very interesting movie and when im around other people it hard to focus on a really good movie and not talk out loud so trying not to talk out loud and paying attention is VERY difficult.
As I write this I am watching the movie and sitting with my girlfriend Hilary spears.
Well it’s Lanagan now.
Hilary Lynn Lanagan.
It’s If These Walls Could Two.
Ive seen the 1st one but gosh that was about ten years ago.
So is this movie.
A lot of my favorite actors are in this one.
Paul Giamatti, Chloe Sevigney, Vanessa Redgrave, Sharon Stone, Natasha Lyonne, Michelle Williams, Ellen Degeneres…
The list can go on and on.
once upon a time in 1988
a girl was born by way of c-sec.
3 pounds. 6 ounces.
measured by the weight
of the hole in her chest.
the base of the liquid
running through her veins.
contained to the room
for another month
and didnt give a fuck
yet didnt give up
wasnt fighting for her life
but the chance to lead
a more significant existence
like a movie
where you start to bleed
seeing faces
in familiar places
not really knowing
where shes going
but knowing one thing
would always stay
the love for a place called home
in Cali For Ni A.
blessed be no blessed is he she we the ones who fight for money hungry lizards lyig crying now instead of later masterbator to modern porn actors cumshots and gumdrops babies who never made it lets face it time is of the essence at best these thoughts could bring a smile a laugh a cry or maybe a green mile who really knows nobody thats why theres somebody outthere i know it you know earth green are the tree air wind blows and it shows in our hair in the way we wear out jackets and pack heat like its the end of the century shit bitch it better its bettter to be hated than feared cause i dont want any man to come steal my dream my drink its my thoughts that i think eventhough im on the east coast west shore PA its more like summer when im rockin these PJs harvey miss that boy im sorry julia but this out of my reach to just fly back home so soon i know these rooms get cold but cant you feel my soul?there i was. stuck in the mall with both my mother and father...thats when the zombies came. they always come. my mother and father escaped and so did i but when i escaped i got lost. i ended up with these two boys. one was my old friend Russell from Los Gatos. He was turning into a zombie yet didn't kill me. i saw my dad and he picked me up. we went to this laundry mat where he had a scope-sniper rifle. but instead of metal the body of the gun was a flimzy fishing pole. we left in a small car that was parked in front of the store. a minute later my cousin Vanessa was sitting next to me (for some reason she had really blue eyes and the side of her head was shaved) she was telling me that she wanted to go home. and i told her that she wouldn't survive. she lives in aromas.
she agreed to stay and with my mom and dad in the front seat we drove away towards Santa Cruz. we drove for at least 10 miles then ended up @ some random "crack" house. as soon as i walked in these guys were selling guns so i bought one. it was hard which one to decide to get. the shotgun, the small pistol, or the revolver.
for some reason i got the small pistol. When i went back to the top room with my gun these two white girls kept fuckin staring @ me. i guess the people in the house had set a rule that day or the day before that if your infected you cant be there.
well the brown haired white girl, the other being blonde, well the brown haired one started to piss me off so i shot her. kinda accidently. i was just trying to scare a bitch then my gun popped off on the side of her head. her friend started freaking out and it didnt even phase the bloody brunnette bitch. everyone in the room at the moment realized the true nature of this beast and sent her ass out the door which was a heavily blocked metal chainlinked gate. all of a sudden, the brown haired bitch threw herself at me...i shot, "pow pow pow" till the gun had discinegrated into dust (i ran out of bullets) then i threw the bitch out the gate. oddly enough regina spektor tried to grab me while i was doing this...she was a wretched yellow skinned zombie and wouldnt let the one piece of shirt that i was holding onto go. i finally got free and this old lady came to the gate...for a second none of us still alive in that room knew whether or not she was infected by just loooking at her through the gate because she was old and looked like a zombie enough as it was. but yup she was and we had to poke her with a long stick to get her to fall down to the first floor.
i dont remember anything after that.
just waking up feeling really cold
and seeing my girlfriend's face.
while she slept.
dreaming her own dreams.
i dont forget where im from like the slugs from a gun and the feeling of lead pushing through the lower intestines im best when its 4am but here its 8;39 and i cant find a pen.
im shooting hoops with my mind. playing a game of horse. playing this game of whores. playing this game of chores. bitch i dont understand, how you can take a man, whos got a wife and just turn him out like kickstands. thats right angelina. mrs. brad pitt. quit having babies. its making mia farrow sick. jolie please. get off your knees. we miss you in gia, the last thing america needs, is a info-mercial ho. hey why dont you et a talk show. so tyra can stop. pop lock and drop it. see this here im making it happen like hollywood. yes hollywood they never thought i could. but raised the money quick and went and stayed with a bitch. well shes not a bitch but shes a DOWN ass chiick. alannah thats right. blonde black hair dyed. shes a funny lady whos down to thrash. down for the monster mash on halloween when i was cat. we walked around the boulevard avoiding tourist traps.
yo 831 where you @?!?! represent yo city. throw your shirt in the air and say ass and titties. a password to my bedroom door. the kind you had to pass threw the bottom on the floor. "boobies" yea no one knows. but i seen it just ask her yo.
a ho fo sho. she was i was but lets get things straight. what is a ho by your definitions mate? call a kiwi an aussie is a big mistake but calling me a white girl will get your mouth ducktaped. believe that i leave cats fiend rats a bitch imagine that.
i love it when i wear headphones.
and the words that are flowing aint no one know.
see i stroll down the aisle with a smile.
all the while i rise like a trial
all hail the judge is herre
up in here yeah right thurr
im like chingy but a girrrl.
take ya to the holiday inn.
say hello to my little friend ben.
ren tin tin.
stimpy with a limp looking good
yous a pimp whats for dinner hilary.
see this distance is getting to me.
when your two feet away
i can feel the loss its a pain
in my chest but i try to relax
and i try to give it a rest.
my mind is getting worse its a curse.
maybe cause im white and im brown.
the confusion hurts...not knowing when
ill feel okay
but whats ok...
define it for may
may april june july
as soon i feel your lips
i know ill be fine.
i dont want meds and i dont want an x-ray.
if im fucked up then fuck ill just fight it away.
like in my dreams when im killin the dead.
the dead thoughts that sloth in my head.
the bad dreams arent always what they seem.
surreal as it seems im as alive as ive ever been.
i dont know i dont care.
but i do its not fair.
one two three and to the four.
what?!
seanna lanagan is at your door.
motherfuckers drop the beat.
bitches get down on the flo.
didnt spell it right but ya'll know
girls laughing outside
i can hear them through
the window like timbo-land
yes yes i know its timba but my mind got my dyslexia and switching up mah syllables.
for real though...im not a teenager.
Not all the time. This happens when im nervous and especially after a cup of coffee.
I like a lot of cream and sugar so it makes my nerves even worse.
Ive realized over the years that almost of my friends in Watsonville have some sort of disorder. I think everyone has something.
Tourettes.
OCD.
Bipolar.
Passive-aggressive.
Compulsive…
The list can go on and on.
The reason I am writing this is because I have to.
As a writer, mainly as a poet.
I have to express myself through art.
Photography, poetry, short stories, screenplays, dancing, painting, drawing, even sex…it all helps.
The reason why my tourettes is acting up is because im watching a very interesting movie and when im around other people it hard to focus on a really good movie and not talk out loud so trying not to talk out loud and paying attention is VERY difficult.
As I write this I am watching the movie and sitting with my girlfriend Hilary spears.
Well it’s Lanagan now.
Hilary Lynn Lanagan.
It’s If These Walls Could Two.
Ive seen the 1st one but gosh that was about ten years ago.
So is this movie.
A lot of my favorite actors are in this one.
Paul Giamatti, Chloe Sevigney, Vanessa Redgrave, Sharon Stone, Natasha Lyonne, Michelle Williams, Ellen Degeneres…
The list can go on and on.
once upon a time in 1988
a girl was born by way of c-sec.
3 pounds. 6 ounces.
measured by the weight
of the hole in her chest.
the base of the liquid
running through her veins.
contained to the room
for another month
and didnt give a fuck
yet didnt give up
wasnt fighting for her life
but the chance to lead
a more significant existence
like a movie
where you start to bleed
seeing faces
in familiar places
not really knowing
where shes going
but knowing one thing
would always stay
the love for a place called home
in Cali For Ni A.
blessed be no blessed is he she we the ones who fight for money hungry lizards lyig crying now instead of later masterbator to modern porn actors cumshots and gumdrops babies who never made it lets face it time is of the essence at best these thoughts could bring a smile a laugh a cry or maybe a green mile who really knows nobody thats why theres somebody outthere i know it you know earth green are the tree air wind blows and it shows in our hair in the way we wear out jackets and pack heat like its the end of the century shit bitch it better its bettter to be hated than feared cause i dont want any man to come steal my dream my drink its my thoughts that i think eventhough im on the east coast west shore PA its more like summer when im rockin these PJs harvey miss that boy im sorry julia but this out of my reach to just fly back home so soon i know these rooms get cold but cant you feel my soul?there i was. stuck in the mall with both my mother and father...thats when the zombies came. they always come. my mother and father escaped and so did i but when i escaped i got lost. i ended up with these two boys. one was my old friend Russell from Los Gatos. He was turning into a zombie yet didn't kill me. i saw my dad and he picked me up. we went to this laundry mat where he had a scope-sniper rifle. but instead of metal the body of the gun was a flimzy fishing pole. we left in a small car that was parked in front of the store. a minute later my cousin Vanessa was sitting next to me (for some reason she had really blue eyes and the side of her head was shaved) she was telling me that she wanted to go home. and i told her that she wouldn't survive. she lives in aromas.
she agreed to stay and with my mom and dad in the front seat we drove away towards Santa Cruz. we drove for at least 10 miles then ended up @ some random "crack" house. as soon as i walked in these guys were selling guns so i bought one. it was hard which one to decide to get. the shotgun, the small pistol, or the revolver.
for some reason i got the small pistol. When i went back to the top room with my gun these two white girls kept fuckin staring @ me. i guess the people in the house had set a rule that day or the day before that if your infected you cant be there.
well the brown haired white girl, the other being blonde, well the brown haired one started to piss me off so i shot her. kinda accidently. i was just trying to scare a bitch then my gun popped off on the side of her head. her friend started freaking out and it didnt even phase the bloody brunnette bitch. everyone in the room at the moment realized the true nature of this beast and sent her ass out the door which was a heavily blocked metal chainlinked gate. all of a sudden, the brown haired bitch threw herself at me...i shot, "pow pow pow" till the gun had discinegrated into dust (i ran out of bullets) then i threw the bitch out the gate. oddly enough regina spektor tried to grab me while i was doing this...she was a wretched yellow skinned zombie and wouldnt let the one piece of shirt that i was holding onto go. i finally got free and this old lady came to the gate...for a second none of us still alive in that room knew whether or not she was infected by just loooking at her through the gate because she was old and looked like a zombie enough as it was. but yup she was and we had to poke her with a long stick to get her to fall down to the first floor.
i dont remember anything after that.
just waking up feeling really cold
and seeing my girlfriend's face.
while she slept.
dreaming her own dreams.
i dont forget where im from like the slugs from a gun and the feeling of lead pushing through the lower intestines im best when its 4am but here its 8;39 and i cant find a pen.
im shooting hoops with my mind. playing a game of horse. playing this game of whores. playing this game of chores. bitch i dont understand, how you can take a man, whos got a wife and just turn him out like kickstands. thats right angelina. mrs. brad pitt. quit having babies. its making mia farrow sick. jolie please. get off your knees. we miss you in gia, the last thing america needs, is a info-mercial ho. hey why dont you et a talk show. so tyra can stop. pop lock and drop it. see this here im making it happen like hollywood. yes hollywood they never thought i could. but raised the money quick and went and stayed with a bitch. well shes not a bitch but shes a DOWN ass chiick. alannah thats right. blonde black hair dyed. shes a funny lady whos down to thrash. down for the monster mash on halloween when i was cat. we walked around the boulevard avoiding tourist traps.
yo 831 where you @?!?! represent yo city. throw your shirt in the air and say ass and titties. a password to my bedroom door. the kind you had to pass threw the bottom on the floor. "boobies" yea no one knows. but i seen it just ask her yo.
a ho fo sho. she was i was but lets get things straight. what is a ho by your definitions mate? call a kiwi an aussie is a big mistake but calling me a white girl will get your mouth ducktaped. believe that i leave cats fiend rats a bitch imagine that.
i love it when i wear headphones.
and the words that are flowing aint no one know.
see i stroll down the aisle with a smile.
all the while i rise like a trial
all hail the judge is herre
up in here yeah right thurr
im like chingy but a girrrl.
take ya to the holiday inn.
say hello to my little friend ben.
ren tin tin.
stimpy with a limp looking good
yous a pimp whats for dinner hilary.
see this distance is getting to me.
when your two feet away
i can feel the loss its a pain
in my chest but i try to relax
and i try to give it a rest.
my mind is getting worse its a curse.
maybe cause im white and im brown.
the confusion hurts...not knowing when
ill feel okay
but whats ok...
define it for may
may april june july
as soon i feel your lips
i know ill be fine.
i dont want meds and i dont want an x-ray.
if im fucked up then fuck ill just fight it away.
like in my dreams when im killin the dead.
the dead thoughts that sloth in my head.
the bad dreams arent always what they seem.
surreal as it seems im as alive as ive ever been.
i dont know i dont care.
but i do its not fair.
one two three and to the four.
what?!
seanna lanagan is at your door.
motherfuckers drop the beat.
bitches get down on the flo.
didnt spell it right but ya'll know
girls laughing outside
i can hear them through
the window like timbo-land
yes yes i know its timba but my mind got my dyslexia and switching up mah syllables.
for real though...im not a teenager.