(no subject)
So I was in the bank the other day making a withdrawal cause I'm shit out of cash and I was going out to eat with a few friends and I needed a couple one's for the tip and this woman is standing next to me. She's really short and old and black. Can I say that? Well, she was black and she had one of those faces where it looks like she's always mad. Like her eyebrows are tilted in a way that makes her look so mean. Now, I can handle myself in a fight. I'm pretty big but I would never go up against this woman. I notice she's carrying a little teddy bear and she turns to me and puts the teddy bear in my face and she goes "Hi. I'm Tommy." and I'm like uh hey tommy what's good, you know, trying to get this crazy bitch out of my face and she's like do you believe in Jesus? And I'm like oh my god, what is my life. And then she's like I found Tommy at a dollar store on Christmas Eve. Okay, two things are going through my mind right now. One, I feel so bad for this woman. First of all, she talks for her teddy bear. And then I was like, well, she started off with a pretty basic plot so you know there's more to the story. Yeah, she found a teddy bear at a dollar store on Christmas Eve. Did she pay for it? Is Tommy a stolen item? And if she did steal Tommy, why would she brag about it? You stole something that could have potentially brought joy to some little kid on Christmas morning but instead it's being used to frighten innocent strangers in line at various public areas. She continued.
"Guess how much Tommy cost? 5.95. Guess what the price was before Tommy went on sale? Nearly ten dollars. That's Jesus." So for those of you playing along at home wondering if you should take a dip in the Christianity pool, Jesus does not work his miracles on the sick or hungry he puts discounts on stuffed animals for mentally handicapped old women in search of a friend on the happiest day of the year. I want Jesus to send me a teddy bear for half price. I went to church when I was a kid. Why not me? Why her? She went on. "I worked for 32 years and never made a mistake. You wanna know why?" She pointed to the sky. I was like OH, cause of Jesus. So now Jesus is correcting all of her errors. Is there a sign up sheet to have Jesus follow you around and be like um, Seann, there's no 'a' in definitely. Okay so now I want Jesus to fix my mistakes and give me teddy bears. Then she finally asks me the question I've been waiting for. "Do you believe in Jesus?" I don't know what to say. Like I said, I went to church as a kid but it was always because I was forced to go, I never really believed in the whole higher power thing. I always thought I was pretty great, why do I have to put all this faith into something that I'm not even sure exists? So I said. "I'm not sure." That was my first mistake. Now just imagine if Jesus had been there he would have been like psst don't say that she's nuts.
"Give me your hand." Oh my god, lady. No. I need it. It would only leave me with one hand and then you would have two. Stop being so greedy. Next thing I know my hand is in hers, her eyes are closed and we're praying. "Dear Jesus, please let this young man accept you as his personal savior. You are almighty and powerful and he is not deserving of your love but please, Jesus, let him into your heart." She opens her eyes. "Do you have children?" I shake my head, my eyes are bugged out of my head at this point. I'm ready to run for the door. "Well, then someone very close to you is sick and if you don't believe in Jesus they're not gonna get better. You're my spiritual son, okay? I want to see you here again looking pretty. No more wrinkles in your shirt and I think you know what I mean by that." She honestly said that to me, seriously, who says that? Wrinkles in my shirt, oh heavens no. Obviously I'm a slut living in sin, someone get me an iron. I was almost like um, well, I don't think Jesus wants you to say that to people because wrinkles are all the rage this season but I kept my mouth shut. Maybe if I just don't say anything and I keep nodding she'll find some other satan worshipper to save and leave me the hell alone. Then she turns to the rest of the people in the bank, her hand still in mine, and she shouts. "If you believe in God, you're not going to heaven. You have to believe in Jesus." I love this lady. She's not afraid to just put it out there. She's so bold and so daring and yet so mean and cunning. I want to take her home with me in a little box and let her out when company comes over so we can all stare at her in awe and be like Jesus is a stupid cunt and see how she reacts, I think I would run for the hills.
If this offended you, I'm really sorry that you took it that way. Actually, not really cause this shit is too hilarious to pass up and just one example of the crazy people I come in contact with on a daily basis minus all of you. But don't yell at me, just come to the conclusion that I'm an ignorant asshole and remove me or something. I just really had to share this for no particular reason at all, and hope that someday you are each adopted by your own spiritual mommy.
"Guess how much Tommy cost? 5.95. Guess what the price was before Tommy went on sale? Nearly ten dollars. That's Jesus." So for those of you playing along at home wondering if you should take a dip in the Christianity pool, Jesus does not work his miracles on the sick or hungry he puts discounts on stuffed animals for mentally handicapped old women in search of a friend on the happiest day of the year. I want Jesus to send me a teddy bear for half price. I went to church when I was a kid. Why not me? Why her? She went on. "I worked for 32 years and never made a mistake. You wanna know why?" She pointed to the sky. I was like OH, cause of Jesus. So now Jesus is correcting all of her errors. Is there a sign up sheet to have Jesus follow you around and be like um, Seann, there's no 'a' in definitely. Okay so now I want Jesus to fix my mistakes and give me teddy bears. Then she finally asks me the question I've been waiting for. "Do you believe in Jesus?" I don't know what to say. Like I said, I went to church as a kid but it was always because I was forced to go, I never really believed in the whole higher power thing. I always thought I was pretty great, why do I have to put all this faith into something that I'm not even sure exists? So I said. "I'm not sure." That was my first mistake. Now just imagine if Jesus had been there he would have been like psst don't say that she's nuts.
"Give me your hand." Oh my god, lady. No. I need it. It would only leave me with one hand and then you would have two. Stop being so greedy. Next thing I know my hand is in hers, her eyes are closed and we're praying. "Dear Jesus, please let this young man accept you as his personal savior. You are almighty and powerful and he is not deserving of your love but please, Jesus, let him into your heart." She opens her eyes. "Do you have children?" I shake my head, my eyes are bugged out of my head at this point. I'm ready to run for the door. "Well, then someone very close to you is sick and if you don't believe in Jesus they're not gonna get better. You're my spiritual son, okay? I want to see you here again looking pretty. No more wrinkles in your shirt and I think you know what I mean by that." She honestly said that to me, seriously, who says that? Wrinkles in my shirt, oh heavens no. Obviously I'm a slut living in sin, someone get me an iron. I was almost like um, well, I don't think Jesus wants you to say that to people because wrinkles are all the rage this season but I kept my mouth shut. Maybe if I just don't say anything and I keep nodding she'll find some other satan worshipper to save and leave me the hell alone. Then she turns to the rest of the people in the bank, her hand still in mine, and she shouts. "If you believe in God, you're not going to heaven. You have to believe in Jesus." I love this lady. She's not afraid to just put it out there. She's so bold and so daring and yet so mean and cunning. I want to take her home with me in a little box and let her out when company comes over so we can all stare at her in awe and be like Jesus is a stupid cunt and see how she reacts, I think I would run for the hills.
If this offended you, I'm really sorry that you took it that way. Actually, not really cause this shit is too hilarious to pass up and just one example of the crazy people I come in contact with on a daily basis minus all of you. But don't yell at me, just come to the conclusion that I'm an ignorant asshole and remove me or something. I just really had to share this for no particular reason at all, and hope that someday you are each adopted by your own spiritual mommy.