a bit overdue?
No spell checks, no grammar, no attention span either, this blog entry will be what it is, and i dont care, k, so well start where i left off almost a year ago, i had just started my job at heinens, a "fine foods" grocery store. i was real excited, and very happy, talkin about moving, driving, and maybe marrying whats her face. well things have changed a bit. i am still working at heinens, and its not as exciting or as fullfilling as i thought i would be. when i first first first started there, things seemed real promising, and i was proud to work in a store with such high standards on its artisant and gourmet products, lately, and this is barely 10 months later, i can not find any thing to like about this job, except for the people that i work with, they are a lovely group of ladys ,and i respect them all, but do feel they can all do so much better than heinens and thats for sure,...so 11 months ago, is when i started, i had stated onmy app i was lookin for 350 a month and full time status. they said stick with it and work hard in a few weeks things will go your way, its been a long time and in that time they have brought in a gaggle of new employees, they do this instead of giving me the hours they know i want and neeeeeeed. and it really upsets me, more so hurts my feelings its like after 11 months i have been there every time they needed somebody, canceled plans, canceled dr appts just to be a good worker and a good asset to the company, i can work 7 different departments at that damn store, why arent i a good canidate for full time? fuck if i know. but lets move on for now, like i said im a bit add at the moment and a lil scatter brained... so a few months into my job there,... many people including my bosses and supervisors kept calling me on my eyesight, which lately has been dwindling to the point of not being able to read the newspaper or watch tv, or to tell time, my eyes have gotten so bad that i cant function. and i didnt realize it til it was pointed out, cos i had adapted and got used to it,.. but anyways, so a few months ago, i started this long and dreadful journey of an medical opthmalogic eye disease called kerataconus. its a debilitating and painful eye disorder, its a deformation of the cornea, the main effects for me have been extreme pain, itching, redness, and of course my always decreasing sight, because my cornea is fucked up, glasses wont help, and i tried, which was alot of money riight down the damn shitter, but i was recomended to see a specialist on the disease, she explained things for me, and told me that there was a short term solution....scleral contacts. so i had to get fitted for those damn things, and a scleral contact is no fun, im tellin ya, its a huge ass, hard piece of glass that i have to put in my eye every morning, it hurts putting it in, and sucks taking it out....buuut, the benefits, are amazing, im able to see things that i didnt even realize i was missing out on, colors, letters, words, faces, trees, grass, everything either looks better or worse, lol, but yea to sum all that up, i was diagnosed with an eye disorder that will continue to progress through out my life, eventually leading to complete blindess by the time im 40, but for now, i have the special contacts which takes my current 20/100 vision to 20/25 which is great, but it wont last long, and it was costly...and not being fulltime means no benefits, which means no insurance, so i paid for the whole damn thing out of my pocket, even tho my old boss said theyd help.... she didnt, she doesnt even work there anymore, so i was screwed on that, but i feel that for now its been money well spent, and very neccesary, but it set me back so far on all my goals, when the clock struck midnight this past new years, i had told myself that by the time i turn 25, id be driving, which will never happen ,cos i cant fuckin see, even with my contacts in, its just not safe enough, like say dust gets in my eyes and behind my contact....game over. but yea, i wanted to have my license back, moved out, and back in school, with a steady relationship, so far ive achieved very little this new year, i mean kudos, i had the money saved and was able to handle this thing with my eyes, and i also bought a computer to take with me when i move, k, but still i just feel like i havent accomplished everything i should have as far as moving goes tho, i am real close to doing that seeing how ill never be able to drive a car again, i said fuck my license and decided ill start saving up til i get to 1500 so that i can move, but its sooo hard, its real hard cos im working 36 hrs a week, and only bringing home 236 dollars, so 50 bucks a week for my comp, 20 a week for my phone, 30 a week for my smokes, 15 a week for my bus pass, and the fact that i drink soo damn much doesnt help either, but i really am trying hard, and want to excel past the put downs i give myself, cos i tear myself up, lookin at life as where i should be, and not being proud of where i am. but thats something im working on too. and i swear before i turn 25, which isnt long from now, i will be moved out, and lookin into goin back to school. if not, then ill probably get reaally drunk on my 25th birthday and sever every vain in my body.. cos i wont be able to accept another birthday with nothing to celebrate., i just wont...but thats not yet, we got some time still. wow, i really do still have alot of things on my mind, and i wont go nowhere or stop typing until i feel vented and better, so sit back cos we still got a long way to go. let us now talk about friends, and social lives, let me look back to just 3 years ago, when every day was a saturday night, my phone would never stop ringing, i had a good group of friends, a good job they had got me, and now lets look at today and how everyday is a monday afternoon, everyone i have ever known has either turned on me, showed there true feelings, or i just pushed away, so lately ive been really feeling it, feeling very alone, but, also 3 years ago, i was heaavy into drugs, which eventually led to serious addiction, and i can say now, that i dont even remember me as an addict its been so long, and i swear that i havent been so isolated the last few years id be singing a different tune, ive done it all ladies and gentleman, everything from heroin to chugging cough syrup, ive been out with the best, been high with local drug lords, and shitfaced with the homeless, been laid more times that i can count on all my fingers and all my toes, welll alllmost, but not quite, lol, i may be kinda cool, and funny, but im not good looking,but well get to that maybe later....point is, i may have lost all my friends over the years, and it tears me up inside, but at the same time, my body, my mentallity, and the new friends that i have been making will thank me.. but sometimes i do miss it. but i can swear to my mother, the ancestors of mine torn by the holocaust, my father, and whatever dumb god people believe in, that i will never ever ever ever do a drug to be high ever again so long as i live, ive kept that promise for 3 years, and i intend to keep it forever and ever, amen. alright so ill take this lil break of mine to smoke a ciggarette, and to apologize for not paranthesizing this blog, i just got so much to say and dont really care to format it, but i thank those of you that can deal with it and have read so far... sit back, take a breather, cos things are about to get reaaly interesting, im a talk about girls, love sex, and relationships...lol, smoke time tho.......k, im back, lets get this blog done and over with already...theres a subject thats very dear to me, and thats girls. ladies, women. and now i understand and respect the fact that on every site that ill have this posted on, the only friends that wil be able to read this besides my brother and cousins, are allll girls, so ill be respectful, but ill be honest. alot of women are bitches, fucking needy, wanty, money grubbing, pretentious whores, and those are the kind of women i have fallen in love with over the few years. and you guessed it ,gave em a chance and fell into a world of heartbreak, depression and doubt, i feel that im a good guy, im active, social, funny, a drinker, tattooed, and pretty nice, i may be not great looking. but i do have alot of heart, and alot to offer a woman outside of fucking the shit out of her. over the last few years, i have been kinda geeky and met alot of girls through either live journal, or myspace, and livejournal readers, yall will know what im talkin about here, there was a year i only talked about jacquelyn, well, i finally went out there to meet her, and lets just say it didnt work out so well, lol, buut that was just the start, after being treated the way i was treated by her, i lost alot of faith in women and relationships and focused my heart to my dick, and gave up on emotion, which worked for a little while til i realized that getting laid isnt as easy for me as it used to be, im 24 now, and girls that know that realize that i live at home with mom, dont drive, and dont got no education and use it against me. but whatever. more specifically, the thing that brought my faith back in women was one girl i met a year ago, she looked so amazing walking down the town centre, her hair was long, her hoodie was tied around her waist, she looked lost, i asked if she needed help finding something she smiled at me ,and said she was looking for my job, and that she would be starting in my department the next week, omg i was soo excited, i never knew someone so cool, so pretty, so great, so everything can exist and then actually work with me,, and so she started, and we hit it off real well as friends, friends at work, things were real cool, i actually developed a crush on her. and then she met paul. got her promotion, and excelled to a different plane, she still works with me, and i see her everyday, but its not the same anymore. she doesnt like me as a person or as a friend and i can tell, and it irks me, and when i show my distaste it gets worse and we bicker, uggh, oh well, its a job, not a dating show, theres alot more that can be said about her, and no her name is NOT mary, but idk, i guess its just not that relevant in my head anymore. there have been alot of girls ive meet over the years that ive fallen for, and either been rejected or dumped, but by god i wont give up, somehow i still believe that there is a woman somewhere for me, shell understand why im what i am. shell smoke, shell drink, shell play, and shell be cool. til then i walk alone. ill walk alone for a while too i guess, cos right now at this point im just no good i guess, i mean no schooling, no car, no place of my own juuust yet, what could i tell a girl, that im rich and succesful with no problems,...nope, i dont lie, i want a girl to like me for the honesty that i exhibit. so lately i really have been kinda moody, little things have made me snap, and hurt, and i show it too, through words, attutude, ive never been violent and never will, but i feel that im somehow scaring off people i know and respect.... which brings me to impressions, when i first started at work i felt that people had a decent impression of me, i was kind of goofy, but a good dude.. but now, idk what they think, i hear them talking, and they make fun of me, laugh at me, and its all my fault, and i try to work real hard to gain a new impression yet no matter what, a clown without a smile will always be looked at like a crazy person. and im not crazy, im not weird, im emotional, im the result of 24 years of heartbreak, abandonment, bad parenting. drug abuse, loneliness, and injuries.. and it seems no one cares to understand that i have bad days, and i know i should leave it all at the door, and i try, but alot of my issues happen there at work, and fuckin bblllah,idk.... im gonna conclude now....im 24 years old, ill be 25 goin on 50 this november...a new president will be elected that day, and so help me god, ill type a new blog, and i promise itll be sooo happy and so positive itll make most of you gag, lol. thank you all for reading thus far, and again i apologize for my lack of grammar and structure, ill talk to you all soon!