=(
I think I have deep psychological issues when it comes to Christmas. Everyone else is so excited for Christmas to come and are counting down the days. I'm also counting down the days, but it's for the damn day to pass. I hate Christmas.
For those of you who don't know, my mother passed away right after Christmas in 1999. Since then I associate Christmas with my mother's passing and it's hard for me to keep a level head and be happy this time of year. Especially when it's so close. So here it is on Christmas Eve and I couldn't be in a worse mood.
It all started when last night I was really frustrated and started fighting with Gina. Everything got worked out this morning and it seemed that today was actually going to be a good day. I was finally going to have a good Christmas and was actually looking forward to it. Sound too good to be true?
It is.
I then find out that Gina's going to a work party tonight drinking with all of her co-workers and probably won't be over here 'til the AM. Which means that I will be alone for Christmas Eve. I go into work at 5 and get out at 9 and I all I wanted was to come home to her. I just wanted to cuddle on my couch, maybe watch 24, maybe drink some hot chocolate and have a good night. Have a good night so that I would wake up and maybe have a good Christmas.
Wrong.
Instead of being understanding and just telling her I'll see her tomorrow, I flew into a rage. I can't remember the last time I was really this angry. I spent the last hour accusing her of not caring, me not being a priority, and every other vicious thing that came to mind. I even broke some stuff in my apartment. How childish do you have to be to kick boxes and rip things off of the walls? I went so far as to tell her to not even come over at all. As I'm writing this I'm still really upset.
All I wanted was to hang out with her tonight. That's it. But she'll be drunk with her co-workers and I'll be here, alone and bitter. I'm so fucking bitter.
I just can't believe how quickly it all went to hell. I finally thought I was going to have a good Christmas. That probably doesn't mean much to any of you because everyone's stoked for Christmas. Every Christmas is a good Christmas. But I'll be sitting here alone tonight. Sure Christmas day might actually be okay, but I'm not even sure. With the way today has been and will be, I can't imagine having a good day tomorrow.
I was so close, too.
I also feel as if I shouldn't blame my frustration on my mother's passing. That it's not an excuse. Because, well, it isn't. How can I justify the way I acted? I can't blame my irrationality on something that happened seven years ago. But I also can't explain why I'd be this freaking angry.
I just want to have a good night.
And a good day tomorrow.
But I just feel like saying hell with it. I just don't know how I'm going to overcome this mood I'm currently in. It just feels hopeless.
And I also don't want it to seem like I'm trying to draw sympathy from any of this. I'm always afraid that when I openly talk about this subject that people will be suspicious that I'm just trying to get pity. And it's really not like that, and hopefully you guys realize this.
Alright, that's enough emo-rant for one day lifetime.
For those of you who don't know, my mother passed away right after Christmas in 1999. Since then I associate Christmas with my mother's passing and it's hard for me to keep a level head and be happy this time of year. Especially when it's so close. So here it is on Christmas Eve and I couldn't be in a worse mood.
It all started when last night I was really frustrated and started fighting with Gina. Everything got worked out this morning and it seemed that today was actually going to be a good day. I was finally going to have a good Christmas and was actually looking forward to it. Sound too good to be true?
It is.
I then find out that Gina's going to a work party tonight drinking with all of her co-workers and probably won't be over here 'til the AM. Which means that I will be alone for Christmas Eve. I go into work at 5 and get out at 9 and I all I wanted was to come home to her. I just wanted to cuddle on my couch, maybe watch 24, maybe drink some hot chocolate and have a good night. Have a good night so that I would wake up and maybe have a good Christmas.
Wrong.
Instead of being understanding and just telling her I'll see her tomorrow, I flew into a rage. I can't remember the last time I was really this angry. I spent the last hour accusing her of not caring, me not being a priority, and every other vicious thing that came to mind. I even broke some stuff in my apartment. How childish do you have to be to kick boxes and rip things off of the walls? I went so far as to tell her to not even come over at all. As I'm writing this I'm still really upset.
All I wanted was to hang out with her tonight. That's it. But she'll be drunk with her co-workers and I'll be here, alone and bitter. I'm so fucking bitter.
I just can't believe how quickly it all went to hell. I finally thought I was going to have a good Christmas. That probably doesn't mean much to any of you because everyone's stoked for Christmas. Every Christmas is a good Christmas. But I'll be sitting here alone tonight. Sure Christmas day might actually be okay, but I'm not even sure. With the way today has been and will be, I can't imagine having a good day tomorrow.
I was so close, too.
I also feel as if I shouldn't blame my frustration on my mother's passing. That it's not an excuse. Because, well, it isn't. How can I justify the way I acted? I can't blame my irrationality on something that happened seven years ago. But I also can't explain why I'd be this freaking angry.
I just want to have a good night.
And a good day tomorrow.
But I just feel like saying hell with it. I just don't know how I'm going to overcome this mood I'm currently in. It just feels hopeless.
And I also don't want it to seem like I'm trying to draw sympathy from any of this. I'm always afraid that when I openly talk about this subject that people will be suspicious that I'm just trying to get pity. And it's really not like that, and hopefully you guys realize this.
Alright, that's enough emo-rant for one day lifetime.