Stardate 0422.7
Warning: long emotional tirade ahead
Well, so much for that. For the longest time, I thought I only got angry. Like, I didn't think I was capable of sadness anymore. I just got angry. More and more angry. That's bad, right? To have all that fury burning inside you, festering day after day, after day. Only to cover it up with a mask of humor and good will in front of friends and everyone else you see.
Well, I guess today there is one thing that can make me sad, after all. Knowing that I made my mother cry.
And doing so, thinking that you were defending her. From her rebellous younger son. I guess you might call him my brother.
I don't get in fights with my brother very often. But when I do, they get pretty damn dirty. I won't get into the details, but I probably won't talk to him for a while. But maybe it's for the better. If there's anything my brother and I share, its stubborness. And, to an extent, I don't think we're ever going to truely get along, like we get along with our own friends.
I envy those who share a close relationship with their siblings, and their family. I really didn't think it was that bad at first, but now I realize how dysfunctinal of a family I have. My dad is working in Texas right now, and he comes back one a month to visit for a weekend. But when he does, it's usually just another addition to the shouts and arguements that take place within the household. I'm usually at school during the weekdays, which leave my brother and my mom alone in the house for 5/7 days of the week. They don't get along - my brother usually spends his days out with his friends, or playing online poker. He doesn't really do anything else, but it's his senior year. Whatever.
I just feel bad for my mom, that's all. She's completely alone, for the most part. I come back during the weekends to help mitigate that, but it seems that we just can't have a peaceful weekend together. To just enjoy each other's company. Something always comes up - it starts out as a small issue, and then it just gets bigger and bigger. We argue about the most pointless shit, and I try to calm the situation before it gets too big. Really, I do. But my mom, being raised in the old fashioned way, will never change her way of thinking. My brother will never listen to me. My dad is so far isolated to care. Which just leaves me. We can't ever talk things out, because we just yell at each other.
As if I don't have enough on my plate already. This is the toughest quarter of school I'm facing, and I'll be applying for my major this summer. Ride or die. I just can't put up with all this shit. But I can't let it go, either.
My home life is so much different from my outside life. Outside of these walls, I'm usually in a good mood. I never hold grudges. I'm pretty extroverted and I like to meet new people. For the most part, I get along with everyone I talk to.
Because a long time ago, I promised to myself that I would never make what happens in my family a part of my normal life. Because my friends don't have to put up with this shit. They don't need to be involved with any of the problems within my family. And when I marry, I hope that my future family is very much different from my own upbringing. I want my future wife, and future kids to live in a loving, happy home. A home of common sense, logic, and love. If I can do that, maybe my own father, mother, and brother can come to terms. I'll make it a goal to set that kind of example maybe 15 years down the the line or so.
Maybe thats why I don't have a girlfriend. Because I'm so afraid of opening up to people nowadays; that I'm afraid of sharing something horrible with someone that I'd only want the best for. At least most people won't be reading this wall of text. It's good to get things off your chest through typing. A productive release of anger.
I don't know what to do. My mind is telling me "put it behind you, you need to focus on school. You have to get back on track". But whenever we have a big fight like this, I can't help but be completely occupied...
Well, so much for that. For the longest time, I thought I only got angry. Like, I didn't think I was capable of sadness anymore. I just got angry. More and more angry. That's bad, right? To have all that fury burning inside you, festering day after day, after day. Only to cover it up with a mask of humor and good will in front of friends and everyone else you see.
Well, I guess today there is one thing that can make me sad, after all. Knowing that I made my mother cry.
And doing so, thinking that you were defending her. From her rebellous younger son. I guess you might call him my brother.
I don't get in fights with my brother very often. But when I do, they get pretty damn dirty. I won't get into the details, but I probably won't talk to him for a while. But maybe it's for the better. If there's anything my brother and I share, its stubborness. And, to an extent, I don't think we're ever going to truely get along, like we get along with our own friends.
I envy those who share a close relationship with their siblings, and their family. I really didn't think it was that bad at first, but now I realize how dysfunctinal of a family I have. My dad is working in Texas right now, and he comes back one a month to visit for a weekend. But when he does, it's usually just another addition to the shouts and arguements that take place within the household. I'm usually at school during the weekdays, which leave my brother and my mom alone in the house for 5/7 days of the week. They don't get along - my brother usually spends his days out with his friends, or playing online poker. He doesn't really do anything else, but it's his senior year. Whatever.
I just feel bad for my mom, that's all. She's completely alone, for the most part. I come back during the weekends to help mitigate that, but it seems that we just can't have a peaceful weekend together. To just enjoy each other's company. Something always comes up - it starts out as a small issue, and then it just gets bigger and bigger. We argue about the most pointless shit, and I try to calm the situation before it gets too big. Really, I do. But my mom, being raised in the old fashioned way, will never change her way of thinking. My brother will never listen to me. My dad is so far isolated to care. Which just leaves me. We can't ever talk things out, because we just yell at each other.
As if I don't have enough on my plate already. This is the toughest quarter of school I'm facing, and I'll be applying for my major this summer. Ride or die. I just can't put up with all this shit. But I can't let it go, either.
My home life is so much different from my outside life. Outside of these walls, I'm usually in a good mood. I never hold grudges. I'm pretty extroverted and I like to meet new people. For the most part, I get along with everyone I talk to.
Because a long time ago, I promised to myself that I would never make what happens in my family a part of my normal life. Because my friends don't have to put up with this shit. They don't need to be involved with any of the problems within my family. And when I marry, I hope that my future family is very much different from my own upbringing. I want my future wife, and future kids to live in a loving, happy home. A home of common sense, logic, and love. If I can do that, maybe my own father, mother, and brother can come to terms. I'll make it a goal to set that kind of example maybe 15 years down the the line or so.
Maybe thats why I don't have a girlfriend. Because I'm so afraid of opening up to people nowadays; that I'm afraid of sharing something horrible with someone that I'd only want the best for. At least most people won't be reading this wall of text. It's good to get things off your chest through typing. A productive release of anger.
I don't know what to do. My mind is telling me "put it behind you, you need to focus on school. You have to get back on track". But whenever we have a big fight like this, I can't help but be completely occupied...