5-27-09 2:30 AM
I'm a fool.
Things really seem to be going great. She's really into being with me and is starting to act like she did when we first started dating. She's so devoted now. But this feeling is so hard to shake. I may never get over this, and it might lead to the end of us. It Should have lead to the end of us already.
Just when I think I can get past it all, I let the thought slip in. She had sex with someone else. Albeit she 'claims' that she stopped it just minutes in, started crying and felt disgusted with herself, she still let it get to that point. It's the worst feeling in the world. I thought I felt bad when Kira dumped me for someone else, but I never felt so betrayed and disgusted in my entire life. I've felt the worst of depression 3 years ago, but this time around it's different. I feel abused, taken advantage of, empty, scared, shocked, disgusted, angry, angst, self-loathing, hatred, and jealousy all at the same time.
Maybe I don't feel as depressed as I think I would/should be, because I've often wondered if I would be faithful if the same opportunity arose. If Sierra kissed me that night, would I have stopped it? I don't know. If Mandy kisses me friday night, will i stop it? I don't know. If kira kissed me, would I stop it? I don't know. Probably not. Maybe that's why I haven't dropped Emily completely. Maybe I know I would have done the same thing. Well, almost the same thing. I didn't fly to another state, and lie to her up and down.
I didn't even tell her about the nights I hung out with Sierra alone, smoked, and flirted nonstop. I didn't tell her about the few times I've seen Kira. I told her about the one with the pool, but that's it. I wasn't going to tell her about hanging out with April, until April and I talked about facebook, which eventually lead to me finding out. There are a lot of things I haven't told Emily, which makes me wonder how many things she hasn't told me, or even if I can play such a victim here. I even met someone months ago and thought it could be a potential girlfriend and pursued it for a few days. Obviously I never told her about that.
Are we even worth it? After all she's done, after all I might have done and haven't told her. After all the fights, arguments, breakups, make-ups. The signs all point to no. Every outsider says no. I question myself left and right. So why does it seem so wrong to end it completely? Maybe I have some sort of competitive nature enough that I have to win her back to feel like someone else hasn't beaten me in winning her. IDK. Maybe I have high hopes on what I think this could be. Maybe It's just my fear of losing her and being alone.
I have been open to letting another girl come by in my life and seeing if it's a better match. Does that make me a cheater already? If your entire heart isnt into the one person you're with, should you even be with her? There's only one girl who I ever felt so in love with that I never even looked twice at another girl. Even she couldn't see how much she meant to me. Maybe even still she can't tell that she was everything I ever wanted.
I don't know how long this will last with Emily. Maybe we'll never have what I want. Maybe I'll finally get what I want with her and she'll betray me again. Maybe things will work out. In any case, I still have this dream of what my perfect relationship is:
1.Same sense of humor
2.Same taste in music
3.game player
4.good talker to compliment my lack of talking
5.complete devotion of time, trust, body, mind, life, to return how I will devote
6.someone who's family I like, and who likes me
7.that feeling of not wanting anything but them
8.strong sex drive
9.same outlook on situations
10.non dramatic
I had all that once, and I want it again. This time I want it to last forever...
Things really seem to be going great. She's really into being with me and is starting to act like she did when we first started dating. She's so devoted now. But this feeling is so hard to shake. I may never get over this, and it might lead to the end of us. It Should have lead to the end of us already.
Just when I think I can get past it all, I let the thought slip in. She had sex with someone else. Albeit she 'claims' that she stopped it just minutes in, started crying and felt disgusted with herself, she still let it get to that point. It's the worst feeling in the world. I thought I felt bad when Kira dumped me for someone else, but I never felt so betrayed and disgusted in my entire life. I've felt the worst of depression 3 years ago, but this time around it's different. I feel abused, taken advantage of, empty, scared, shocked, disgusted, angry, angst, self-loathing, hatred, and jealousy all at the same time.
Maybe I don't feel as depressed as I think I would/should be, because I've often wondered if I would be faithful if the same opportunity arose. If Sierra kissed me that night, would I have stopped it? I don't know. If Mandy kisses me friday night, will i stop it? I don't know. If kira kissed me, would I stop it? I don't know. Probably not. Maybe that's why I haven't dropped Emily completely. Maybe I know I would have done the same thing. Well, almost the same thing. I didn't fly to another state, and lie to her up and down.
I didn't even tell her about the nights I hung out with Sierra alone, smoked, and flirted nonstop. I didn't tell her about the few times I've seen Kira. I told her about the one with the pool, but that's it. I wasn't going to tell her about hanging out with April, until April and I talked about facebook, which eventually lead to me finding out. There are a lot of things I haven't told Emily, which makes me wonder how many things she hasn't told me, or even if I can play such a victim here. I even met someone months ago and thought it could be a potential girlfriend and pursued it for a few days. Obviously I never told her about that.
Are we even worth it? After all she's done, after all I might have done and haven't told her. After all the fights, arguments, breakups, make-ups. The signs all point to no. Every outsider says no. I question myself left and right. So why does it seem so wrong to end it completely? Maybe I have some sort of competitive nature enough that I have to win her back to feel like someone else hasn't beaten me in winning her. IDK. Maybe I have high hopes on what I think this could be. Maybe It's just my fear of losing her and being alone.
I have been open to letting another girl come by in my life and seeing if it's a better match. Does that make me a cheater already? If your entire heart isnt into the one person you're with, should you even be with her? There's only one girl who I ever felt so in love with that I never even looked twice at another girl. Even she couldn't see how much she meant to me. Maybe even still she can't tell that she was everything I ever wanted.
I don't know how long this will last with Emily. Maybe we'll never have what I want. Maybe I'll finally get what I want with her and she'll betray me again. Maybe things will work out. In any case, I still have this dream of what my perfect relationship is:
1.Same sense of humor
2.Same taste in music
3.game player
4.good talker to compliment my lack of talking
5.complete devotion of time, trust, body, mind, life, to return how I will devote
6.someone who's family I like, and who likes me
7.that feeling of not wanting anything but them
8.strong sex drive
9.same outlook on situations
10.non dramatic
I had all that once, and I want it again. This time I want it to last forever...