Hmm
I often worry that my brutal honestly lacks tact. As much as I can get away with saying various things to people that I don't know, my lack of ability to control what I say just ends up offending others, and leaves me rueing possible losses. I think it's pretty apparent that I need some tact, and my recent fluctuating moods, from immense hyperactivity to incredible indifference leaves people wondering what Sean they're going to get.
There's one famous person that I know was like that, and that was Spike Milligan, who was diagnosed pretty early in his career as a chronic depressive. I've never really considered myself a depressive, but now I think about I probably am. I often sit here thinking that I don't really have anything going for me. I don't have any friends who I've known longer than a year or so, which the majority of people seem to have, meaning that I often have to wonder whether there is so little to me that people just don't want to stay in touch.
I often also get annoyed just when I'm speaking to people on messenger that I always seem to have to make conversation. This frequently leads me to think that people only speak to me because they have to, and not because they actually want to. I often feel unwanted at home too, and resort myself to sitting on my own and enjoying my own company, which again does little for me because I get accused of being unsociable and a hermit.
It bothers me that after spending three years at uni, I don't think I can count any of them as friends, and most I haven't spoken to at all, and wouldn't know where to start. I often think that these people wouldn't really want to hear what I have to say. Despite my apparent arrogance, I'm actually pretty insecure and find myself wondering why those that do have time for me even waste their time at all.
Added to this, I think I've offended one of my best friends and I've probably ruined it further by emailing them telling them how awesome they are. When they read it they're going to think "Well he's only saying all this stuff because he knows I'm pissed off at him", when it's really not true. If I'm going to miss anyone when I leave Birmingham, it's going to be this person, and I really don't want to ruin my friendship with them months before I move, and then that person is just going to be another person who can't find the time to keep up with how I'm doing and ignores my text messages.
On a more positive side, I feel I have to thank the following people for keeping my sanity:
Kate: Despite only knowing you for about a year, I feel you are probably one of the best friends I've ever had. I really hope we do end up living together, because I think we're going to have the most fun ever. I already consider you a friend for life, and if that sounds overly optimistic or needy, then I'm sorry. I still maintain that the Coldplay weekend was the best weekend I've ever had, and I want to thank you for that. I hope we have many more come the summer.
Angie: I've only known you for about the same amount of time, but it's refreshing to meet someone who is on my level as far as sense of humour and intelligence is concerned (not that I'm calling any of my other friends idiots). Like Kate, I'm incredibly glad to have met you. You helped me immensely when I was having problems with you-know-who and I'm pretty thankful for all the advice you've given me. I hope I see you a lot more when I move down to London
Emma: I appreciate how hard this relationship must be for you, and I thank you for having the patience to carry on with it. I have been fucked over a lot in the past in relationships, and thank you for eliminating my insecurities by actually caring a damn lot about me. This relationship is obviously going to be a hell of a lot easier once I move down south.
I really hope that working and living elsewhere is going to clear my head a bit, because I really feel incredibly trapped. The only thing keeping me in Birmingham is my theatre company, and I'm only there on a Monday, that's not enough to keep me going for the rest of the week, when I realise how little I have here.
Thank you if you've actually found the time to read this, and moreso if you've decided to respond.
There's one famous person that I know was like that, and that was Spike Milligan, who was diagnosed pretty early in his career as a chronic depressive. I've never really considered myself a depressive, but now I think about I probably am. I often sit here thinking that I don't really have anything going for me. I don't have any friends who I've known longer than a year or so, which the majority of people seem to have, meaning that I often have to wonder whether there is so little to me that people just don't want to stay in touch.
I often also get annoyed just when I'm speaking to people on messenger that I always seem to have to make conversation. This frequently leads me to think that people only speak to me because they have to, and not because they actually want to. I often feel unwanted at home too, and resort myself to sitting on my own and enjoying my own company, which again does little for me because I get accused of being unsociable and a hermit.
It bothers me that after spending three years at uni, I don't think I can count any of them as friends, and most I haven't spoken to at all, and wouldn't know where to start. I often think that these people wouldn't really want to hear what I have to say. Despite my apparent arrogance, I'm actually pretty insecure and find myself wondering why those that do have time for me even waste their time at all.
Added to this, I think I've offended one of my best friends and I've probably ruined it further by emailing them telling them how awesome they are. When they read it they're going to think "Well he's only saying all this stuff because he knows I'm pissed off at him", when it's really not true. If I'm going to miss anyone when I leave Birmingham, it's going to be this person, and I really don't want to ruin my friendship with them months before I move, and then that person is just going to be another person who can't find the time to keep up with how I'm doing and ignores my text messages.
On a more positive side, I feel I have to thank the following people for keeping my sanity:
Kate: Despite only knowing you for about a year, I feel you are probably one of the best friends I've ever had. I really hope we do end up living together, because I think we're going to have the most fun ever. I already consider you a friend for life, and if that sounds overly optimistic or needy, then I'm sorry. I still maintain that the Coldplay weekend was the best weekend I've ever had, and I want to thank you for that. I hope we have many more come the summer.
Angie: I've only known you for about the same amount of time, but it's refreshing to meet someone who is on my level as far as sense of humour and intelligence is concerned (not that I'm calling any of my other friends idiots). Like Kate, I'm incredibly glad to have met you. You helped me immensely when I was having problems with you-know-who and I'm pretty thankful for all the advice you've given me. I hope I see you a lot more when I move down to London
Emma: I appreciate how hard this relationship must be for you, and I thank you for having the patience to carry on with it. I have been fucked over a lot in the past in relationships, and thank you for eliminating my insecurities by actually caring a damn lot about me. This relationship is obviously going to be a hell of a lot easier once I move down south.
I really hope that working and living elsewhere is going to clear my head a bit, because I really feel incredibly trapped. The only thing keeping me in Birmingham is my theatre company, and I'm only there on a Monday, that's not enough to keep me going for the rest of the week, when I realise how little I have here.
Thank you if you've actually found the time to read this, and moreso if you've decided to respond.