the surreal life
i was home this weekend for my father's second wedding. for those of you who don't know the back story here, allow me to explain:
about three years ago, my dad met this woman Leslie from an online jewish dating service. right. leslie is very well-intentioned, but i'm quite sure i don't understand how she can be how she is. she holds bachelors and masters degrees from carnegie mellon, but all that does for me is discredit both carnegie mellon and college degrees. leslie doesn't understand things. not like the occasional moment of stupidity that we all have. this is constant for her. i find it impossible, despite several attempts, to have any conversation with her for longer than three minutes. also, her entire self-image is ridiculous. she's about 55 (though she lied to my dad when they first met and said she was 39), and is obsessed with her physical appearance. she is dangerously thin, frequently goes tanning, has had numerous plastic surgeries on her face, and is constantly saying that she's fat and ugly. story of interest: one time we were all in the car and we passed the world-renowned chubb institute. leslie, true to form, says to the assembled "if i get any fatter i'm going to have to start going there!" to those of you thinking that this was a semi-clever self-deprecating quip: no such luck. she thought it was a liposuction clinic.
anyway, they dated on and off for two years, then my dad broke up with her because her kids were intolerable (which they are, by the way - scott, 17, calls his mother a whore and tells her to go fuck herself with regularity and is headed absolutely nowhere in life; avery, 13, has gotten much better since she was 10, but is still whiny and bratty). about a year later, or two months ago, they apparently decided to have dinner on a friday night. my dad calls me that sunday afternoon to tell me that he and leslie had dinner on friday, decided to get back together, and then decided to get married. you can imagine my stunned silence. over the next two weeks, i, along with rachel and my aunt toby, expressed sincere reservations to the marriage to my dad, with a little tension along the way. two weeks after the engagement, my dad calls me on another sunday and says that they've decided to get married that night in a private civil ceremony with the mayor. whoa. and they're having a public, religious ceremony in late april. whoa. he thinks it would be nice if i "stood next to him during the ceremony," i.e. best man. whoa. whoa.
this brings us to yesterday. a gathering of people i had never met. friends and family of leslie. business associates of my father's and friends of his from his new life. oh, and my mom and her boyfriend. hahahaha. oh, and i'm to give a toast later. hahaha. rachel, scott, avery and i were responsible for holding up the canopy (under which all couples are married in judaism) during the ceremony. within minutes of the party, which was held along with the ceremony at a very nice restaurant in gladstone, nj, there were people drunk. intentionally. including my mother. and some fat whale bitch hormone catastrophe, apparently leslie's cousin, who would not stop crying the entire dinner. so my dad's introducing us to everyone (note: there were positive outcomes from this part of the day, see below), and everyone already knows my life story so i'm a little on edge. the entire time, it doesn't feel like a wedding to me. leslie didn't wear a gown or anything, and my dad was just wearing a suit. and they didn't really seem that into each other or comfortable. leslie was more interested in working the crowd and coming up with good one liners and being jealous of my mom or something. there was just a weird feeling about the entire day. and then my mom, remember, drunk, walks up to my dad and asks him to dance. i walked out of the building for some air. when i got back in, rachel, mom and dad are dancing together and leslie is killing them all with sweeping devil fire from her eyeballs. i sit at the bar, order a beer, and watch with a "what. the. fuck." stare.
and then cake, and i gave a toast that didn't mention leslie until the last sentence. i talked about my dad, got some laughs, short and sweet. while i support my dad, i dislike leslie and neither approve nor have big expectations of this marriage. not toasting leslie was my veiled criticism, and the veil was fortunately too thick for leslie to see through, as expected. rachel was taking bets on how long it would last right after the ceremony. i said split up within 2 years, get back together, done altogether within 6.
about three years ago, my dad met this woman Leslie from an online jewish dating service. right. leslie is very well-intentioned, but i'm quite sure i don't understand how she can be how she is. she holds bachelors and masters degrees from carnegie mellon, but all that does for me is discredit both carnegie mellon and college degrees. leslie doesn't understand things. not like the occasional moment of stupidity that we all have. this is constant for her. i find it impossible, despite several attempts, to have any conversation with her for longer than three minutes. also, her entire self-image is ridiculous. she's about 55 (though she lied to my dad when they first met and said she was 39), and is obsessed with her physical appearance. she is dangerously thin, frequently goes tanning, has had numerous plastic surgeries on her face, and is constantly saying that she's fat and ugly. story of interest: one time we were all in the car and we passed the world-renowned chubb institute. leslie, true to form, says to the assembled "if i get any fatter i'm going to have to start going there!" to those of you thinking that this was a semi-clever self-deprecating quip: no such luck. she thought it was a liposuction clinic.
anyway, they dated on and off for two years, then my dad broke up with her because her kids were intolerable (which they are, by the way - scott, 17, calls his mother a whore and tells her to go fuck herself with regularity and is headed absolutely nowhere in life; avery, 13, has gotten much better since she was 10, but is still whiny and bratty). about a year later, or two months ago, they apparently decided to have dinner on a friday night. my dad calls me that sunday afternoon to tell me that he and leslie had dinner on friday, decided to get back together, and then decided to get married. you can imagine my stunned silence. over the next two weeks, i, along with rachel and my aunt toby, expressed sincere reservations to the marriage to my dad, with a little tension along the way. two weeks after the engagement, my dad calls me on another sunday and says that they've decided to get married that night in a private civil ceremony with the mayor. whoa. and they're having a public, religious ceremony in late april. whoa. he thinks it would be nice if i "stood next to him during the ceremony," i.e. best man. whoa. whoa.
this brings us to yesterday. a gathering of people i had never met. friends and family of leslie. business associates of my father's and friends of his from his new life. oh, and my mom and her boyfriend. hahahaha. oh, and i'm to give a toast later. hahaha. rachel, scott, avery and i were responsible for holding up the canopy (under which all couples are married in judaism) during the ceremony. within minutes of the party, which was held along with the ceremony at a very nice restaurant in gladstone, nj, there were people drunk. intentionally. including my mother. and some fat whale bitch hormone catastrophe, apparently leslie's cousin, who would not stop crying the entire dinner. so my dad's introducing us to everyone (note: there were positive outcomes from this part of the day, see below), and everyone already knows my life story so i'm a little on edge. the entire time, it doesn't feel like a wedding to me. leslie didn't wear a gown or anything, and my dad was just wearing a suit. and they didn't really seem that into each other or comfortable. leslie was more interested in working the crowd and coming up with good one liners and being jealous of my mom or something. there was just a weird feeling about the entire day. and then my mom, remember, drunk, walks up to my dad and asks him to dance. i walked out of the building for some air. when i got back in, rachel, mom and dad are dancing together and leslie is killing them all with sweeping devil fire from her eyeballs. i sit at the bar, order a beer, and watch with a "what. the. fuck." stare.
and then cake, and i gave a toast that didn't mention leslie until the last sentence. i talked about my dad, got some laughs, short and sweet. while i support my dad, i dislike leslie and neither approve nor have big expectations of this marriage. not toasting leslie was my veiled criticism, and the veil was fortunately too thick for leslie to see through, as expected. rachel was taking bets on how long it would last right after the ceremony. i said split up within 2 years, get back together, done altogether within 6.