(no subject)
i'm experiencing my first real situation where i have to deal with death. my paternal grandfather died a few years ago, but i had seen him maybe four times in my life, and he lived in florida. my great aunt, same kind of deal, though she lived in livingston, nj. the gibsons are a family in sp who my family has been close to for many many years. ellen and my mom are best friends. drew, my sister and i practically grew up together. tons of vacations to the poconos, north carolina, virginia, cape cod, italy... and then there's michael, who is one of the smartest people i've ever actually met. he's a tony award-nominated orchestrator who has written the music for broadway shows such as cabaret, steel pier, and others. he writes music in his head. he can carry an intelligent, engaging conversation on politics, sports (his one flaw was his affinity for the red sox), culture, society, you name it. a few years ago, doctors found cancer. michael beat the shit out of it, breezed through chemo and radiation, and it appeared as though he had made a full, incredible recovery. then it came back about a year later. he fought it off, had some real highs and lots of lows, and then looked like somehow, miraculously, he was going to beat it twice. then a few months ago, it was like his entire spirit broke. the cancer spread everywhere. he lost the ability to speak for a while because he was so weak. he was losing 10 pounds a week from not eating. he was in and out of hospital on a daily basis. when he wasn't in hospital, he was at home writing music for the shows he was still working on for broadway. when he was in hospital, he was writing in his head, saving it for later. tomorrow morning he's being moved to a hospice in dover, nj. once he's settled, they're taking him off all medication save morphine. he has a dnr order, and his living will instructs doctors not to keep him alive by any artificial means without a reasonable hope of successful revival. in all likelihood, michael will die within the next 72 hours. i haven't seen him in months. the last time i saw him, he was home. he was bald from the chemo, and very skinny, but alert, witty as ever, and current on everything in the world. now, ellen says he's resigned, withdrawn. andrew won't get to have his father see him graduate high school. michael is very much like an uncle figure. he isn't paternal toward me, but there's something about him that makes me give him respect beyond what i would give any other adult. he is a good man. one of the few things i remember my mother saying that actually had an impact on me was when she told me that if i ever doubted myself, or if i was ever unsure as to what the right course of action is, to imagine how michael would choose, what michael would think and do. this has been going on for so long, i'm almost ready for it. it's going to hurt.