wanna be back in MN
ok so it's only been two weeks since i got home, and already i wanna go back to MN so badly... let's just say that i don't think that i'm going to be able handle staying here all summer. let's just recap all that's happend here...
last week i spent hiding out in my room avoiding my parents bec i was scared that they'd kill me once they saw my report card. i fully immersed myself in the world of Voyager episodes because i didn't want to be here. then on monday, they found out, and i have no idea how because i didn't tell them. i just got a call and my mom was like, "i just saw your report card...." and lets just say that i broke down in tears like 5 times that day and have ended each day in tears since then.
i've signed up for a calc class at CSM, a speed reading class through the San Carlos park and rec, pretty much eliminated lifeguarding, which i really want to do, maybe saturday's i'll still be able.... i'm also looking for a place to take organic chem because i don't want to take it next semester with biophysics and calc 2. i don't think that i can handle all 3 successfully. so far all i've been able to come up with is only stanford offers organic chem, but it conflicts with the calc at CSM. stanford doesn't offer the calc class i need to take, nor does canada, foothill, santa clara, or skyline. i'm slowly widening the circle of colleges that i'm looking at. if i can't find anything then i'm gonna have to buy the book for organic chem and bio phys and self teach myself those. i've never self tought myself anything, well maybe like a chapter, but not the whole book. not sure if this is going to work. also i might retake chem 1021 if i can find a place to take it. basically as my dad has put it, "you screwed up, you didn't earn summer!" so basically i'm gonna have to do work all summer....which is gonna suck. if i'm gonna do that i'd prefer to be in MN be then i won't be here and have to tell them that i can't hang out all summer, bec i know that i won't be able to. atleast if i'm in MN people will understand, but if i'm here, they won't.
i've already decided that i'm not coming home next summer. i don't care if it's study abroad or just taking classes over there, i'm not coming home. i can't handle doing this again.
in other news, my grandma broke her hip last friday, so that's causing even more chaos in my house right now...
found a song that completely expleains all that i feel right now. it's motion city soundtrack's l.g. fuad...
Let's get fucked up and die..
I'm speaking figuratively, of course..
Like the last time that I committed suicide.. social suicide..
Yeah, so I'm already dead on the inside,
But I can still pretend with my memories and photographs,
I have learned to love the lie.
I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense.. yeah
Let me in, let me in to the club, cuz I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and they're useless.
(In this department)
Let's get fucked up and die..
I'm riding hard on the last lines of every lie,
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,
I'm about to explode.
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect, and I have learned to accept all my problems and short comings,
Cause I am so visceral, yet deeply inept.
I want to thank you for being a part of my forget-me-nots and marigolds..
And all the things that don't get old..
Is it legal to do this? I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself through other peoples' descriptions of life.
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless...
(In this department)
Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling
we'll try not to smile
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights
That still shock and surprise.
I believe that I can, overcome this and beat everything in the end
But I choose to abuse for the time being,
maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.
Sister soldier
You’ve been such a positive influence on my mental frame
If I could ever repay you,
I would, but I'm hard up for cash
And my memory lacks initiative.
God damn the liquor store's closed,
we were so close to scoring
it hurts, it destroys 'til it kills..
I am tired and hungry and totally useless.
(In this department)
last week i spent hiding out in my room avoiding my parents bec i was scared that they'd kill me once they saw my report card. i fully immersed myself in the world of Voyager episodes because i didn't want to be here. then on monday, they found out, and i have no idea how because i didn't tell them. i just got a call and my mom was like, "i just saw your report card...." and lets just say that i broke down in tears like 5 times that day and have ended each day in tears since then.
i've signed up for a calc class at CSM, a speed reading class through the San Carlos park and rec, pretty much eliminated lifeguarding, which i really want to do, maybe saturday's i'll still be able.... i'm also looking for a place to take organic chem because i don't want to take it next semester with biophysics and calc 2. i don't think that i can handle all 3 successfully. so far all i've been able to come up with is only stanford offers organic chem, but it conflicts with the calc at CSM. stanford doesn't offer the calc class i need to take, nor does canada, foothill, santa clara, or skyline. i'm slowly widening the circle of colleges that i'm looking at. if i can't find anything then i'm gonna have to buy the book for organic chem and bio phys and self teach myself those. i've never self tought myself anything, well maybe like a chapter, but not the whole book. not sure if this is going to work. also i might retake chem 1021 if i can find a place to take it. basically as my dad has put it, "you screwed up, you didn't earn summer!" so basically i'm gonna have to do work all summer....which is gonna suck. if i'm gonna do that i'd prefer to be in MN be then i won't be here and have to tell them that i can't hang out all summer, bec i know that i won't be able to. atleast if i'm in MN people will understand, but if i'm here, they won't.
i've already decided that i'm not coming home next summer. i don't care if it's study abroad or just taking classes over there, i'm not coming home. i can't handle doing this again.
in other news, my grandma broke her hip last friday, so that's causing even more chaos in my house right now...
found a song that completely expleains all that i feel right now. it's motion city soundtrack's l.g. fuad...
Let's get fucked up and die..
I'm speaking figuratively, of course..
Like the last time that I committed suicide.. social suicide..
Yeah, so I'm already dead on the inside,
But I can still pretend with my memories and photographs,
I have learned to love the lie.
I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense.. yeah
Let me in, let me in to the club, cuz I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and they're useless.
(In this department)
Let's get fucked up and die..
I'm riding hard on the last lines of every lie,
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,
I'm about to explode.
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect, and I have learned to accept all my problems and short comings,
Cause I am so visceral, yet deeply inept.
I want to thank you for being a part of my forget-me-nots and marigolds..
And all the things that don't get old..
Is it legal to do this? I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself through other peoples' descriptions of life.
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless...
(In this department)
Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling
we'll try not to smile
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights
That still shock and surprise.
I believe that I can, overcome this and beat everything in the end
But I choose to abuse for the time being,
maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.
Sister soldier
You’ve been such a positive influence on my mental frame
If I could ever repay you,
I would, but I'm hard up for cash
And my memory lacks initiative.
God damn the liquor store's closed,
we were so close to scoring
it hurts, it destroys 'til it kills..
I am tired and hungry and totally useless.
(In this department)