Mosaic Broken Hearts
Title: Mosaic Broken Hearts
Rating: R
Pairing: CL/Sandara
Length: 6,754
Genre: Future
Summary: Chaerin is falling apart and falling together.
Prompt Used: Miss A - I Don’t Need a Man, also the supplementary prompts here and here
Author's Note: I cleaned this fic up a lot and added a few extra things. I didn't proofread it well enough when I submitted it (lesson kiddos procrastination isn't always your friend) and there was a lot I wanted different about it but it's written and done with. Originally posted here at kpop_olymfics
Chaerin lay tucked in a mess of black sheets, completely oblivious to the world. Her current state of sleep is only disturbed by a violent shaking to her shoulder. Instantly she startles and bristles up, about ready to bite whoever thought of disturbing her.
“Chaerin” She lifts her head feeling as if a hundred pound weight sat inside her brain.
“What!?” she hisses out angrily. Her face is caked with last night’s make-up and her breath tasted like old vomit and beer-probably smelled worse.
“Shit, calm down! Look, I have to go to work. You know you can stay and sleep. But Teddy just texted asking if you were with me. I said no, so I’d say you have about two hours before he sends a squad out for you.” She wishes Hyuksoo could see her glare but she figures he can tell by her lack of reply that she isn’t happy.
Her head drops instantly back to the pillow and she groans, merely waving her hand to send him away. She can hear his sigh and his too loud shuffling of feet. He slams the door as he leaves (it sounds like gun to her pounding head) and she burrows back into the bed to sleep. Her phone buzzes loudly over and over again somewhere on the floor.
She isn’t sure if she could to get to it but as the phone rings for the umpteenth time she finds the ability to roll toward the edge of the bed. Dangling her arm over the side she fumbles for her jeans which lay crumpled in a mess of shirts, socks, and underwear. Digging through a pocket she pulls out her phone and nearly cries as the screen lights up too brightly. Squinting and blinking away the tears she reads the 7 missed calls (mostly from Teddy) and 20 messages (again mostly from Teddy).
As she is about to call him back an incoming call vibrates her phone. Hitting the answer button she puts it to her ear and snaps out violently, “Stop being a fucking parent. I’m fine.” There is a heartbeat of silence before she hears Teddy’s voice, far more world wary than he deserves to sound.
“Don’t get angry at me for trying to get your ass to work. Or have you forgotten that you actually have a job, Miss Self-loathing?” She would roll her eyes but she’s positive that would make her head split open.
“I haven’t forgotten. But can’t I sleep in? I think I’ve earned that right.” She can hear the bitterness in her voice but she is too tired and hung-over to care, especially with Teddy.
A long exasperated sigh reaches her ear and she can almost see the way Teddy is rearranging his fabled hoodie and ball cap (even with a marriage, one kid, and subsequent divorce he never really changed).
“Chae it’s noon. You’ve got two hours to be here. That’s as long as I can hold off Hyunseuk. He wants to hear the songs we’ve been working on. And Minji keeps coming by, something about pink or yellow plates for the party? I don’t know, just drink some coffee and look presentable. Oh, and brush your teeth I don’t want another case of vomit breath.”
A click resounds before she can retort with some scathing reply. Teddy really knew her too well. Falling back to the bed she wants to be spiteful and sleep again but she’s flaked on Teddy a lot the past few weeks. She normally never feels guilty but she owes him even more for the last several years. What with her nervous breakdowns and that one time… that she’d rather not dwell on.
With a heave of sore muscles (really, what the hell did she do last night?) she lifts herself from the comfort of the bed. She stumbles around, too tired, too hungover-too; a lot of things- to really get a handle on the day. But she finds some clean clothes of Hyuksoo’s, that won’t look awful on her, and tosses them on. She brushes her teeth with his tooth brush (not like she hadn’t had worse things of his in her mouth) and fixes her unkempt hair as best she can. Finding her shoes she stuffs her feet into them and walks out the door.
She will probably be back at his place sometime in the future and she isn’t all that worried about her clothes. He’ll let the next girl-or boy-who he brings home wear them. She used to get upset by that but a lot of things changed for her and something as useless as her clothes being given away, especially when they weren’t even dating, wasn’t worth her time.
She liked the casualness of their relationship. When she needed sex he gave it. When she didn’t need sex but felt lonely, he gave her companionship (usually with sex).
Chaerin makes her way down to the apartment floor and sees an awaiting van for her. She had to give Teddy more credit, he seemed to have matured somewhat over the years-or he knew her habits well enough to predict where she would be. With sluggish movements she pulls herself into the signature black YG van and settles back into the seat.
She tries to watch Seoul life flash by through the window but her stomach starts turning and she closes her eyes instead. Hyunseuk will probably pull her solo album work if he finds out she’s been partying again. The pounding in her head says he should but she needs the work-the focus-otherwise she would have to focus on other things-not as pleasant and far more hurtful. He was giving her a chance to pull her shit together and unfortunately she was having a hard time with it.
The van soon pulls up to the parking garage and she briefly thanks the driver before heading to the elevator doors. The ride up lets her collect her thoughts and straighten out her outfit so she doesn’t look like she just rolled out of bed. As luck would have it, she reaches Teddy’s famed studio right at the time that Hyunseuk does. His expression is carefully blank and she wonders with alarm if this is the moment he’s going to tell her to stop her work. She bows several times when they meet at the door and waits for him to enter first but he only nods his head for her to go in.
She opens the door and shoots Teddy an “oh shit” look and watches him compose his look of alarm as Hyunseuk walks in after her. Chaerin stands beside Hyunseuk in awkward silence while Teddy tries to make it look like he wasn’t playing solitary. The atmosphere is awkward but it normally is whenever Hyunseuk is around. Even after years of working for him, it seems none of the 2NE1 girls ever got over the stage of being casual friends with their boss.
“So, how are the tracks coming along?” Hyunseuk’s face is neutral. The man had the best poker face she’d ever seen. Her eyes shift over to Teddy and he fidgets minimally. He was good at lying but Hyunseuk had figured out his tells years ago. She didn’t want to lie though. She was done with lying; it took more energy than she had left to give.
“Ah…about that…I’ve been in a slight rut-song wise.”
Hyunseuk’s arms cross and she can see the disappointment. She hated disappointment. It was failure because it meant she had failed in pleasing someone.
“Chaerin I’ve given you a three month extension on this. If you don’t finish soon you’re album won’t be released. I’ve already had marketing create some promotions. If you aren’t going to take this seriously I’m not going to keep spending money or Teddy’s time on something you can’t finish.”
She keeps her eyes downcast the whole time and can’t stop biting her lip. He’s right, he’s always right, she deserves this but it doesn’t make her eyes stop tearing up and, fuck, she is not going to cry in front of him.
He does something unexpected and rests his hand on her shoulder.
“You know I care for you Chaerin, you and the rest of the girls, I’m going to give you another extension but it’s the last one I can give. If you need to talk…you can always come see me.”
He hesitates at the last part and she can tell he’s uncomfortable mentioning it but him even offering makes it somehow sweet. She laughs suddenly, unable to stop, because Hyunseuk as sweet is so new to her. She’s met with weird looks from Teddy and Hyunseuk and shakes her head. They seem to leave it as a “girl thing” and let her finish laughing.
It doesn’t make her feel any better that he can see she is falling apart. If her boss who rarely ever sees her can tell, how well can people close to her? She’s better than this and silently berates herself. She already fell apart once, she can’t afford to put her life on hold another time.
“Teddy, keep me updated on your progress and send me the songs you have so far.” Teddy gives a hurried reply before Hyunseuk walks out already making a call on his cellphone.
The room is silent for a half beat before they both seem to exhale in relief.
“Shit Chae. You should have warned me or something!” Teddy fixes his hoodie for the fifteenth time she’s been in the room and she falls into a chair with a huff.
“Like I knew he was going to be standing there!”
“If you had stopped being so mopey we wouldn’t have this problem.” He swivels his chair to face his computer again to finish his solitaire game.
“I haven’t been mopey!”
“Wait let me correct that; you’ve been mopey and jaded. Which, you need to stop being so fucked jaded. Dara’s been married for two years now. She’s having a kid. You’re too young to become bitter like this.”
“Oh my god, do not give me a lecture on love right now.”
“Hey, I know I’m not an expert by any means but you need a lecture or a beating. Whichever gets this shit across to your thick skull. You’re 27 Chae, you’re still young, don’t throw these years away. Trust me, you’ll want to feel heartbroken and all this teenage angst when you hit 40.”
“You aren’t forty yet and you can’t talk to me until you figure your own shit out.”
Teddy sighs and swivels in his chair to look at her. "Don't you have a baby shower to plan or something?" If her glare could kill him in the most painful of ways he'd be screaming right now. “Come on Chae, either let it go or tell her how you feel…for real this time.”
"Right. I will when you admit you have a gay crush on Youngbae." She watches Teddy’s face turn a bright shade of red and grins in satisfaction. “Come on you’ll feel better if you get it off your chest.”
“There’s nothing to admit.” Even he knows that sounds weak so he just shakes his head.
"Look we both know Youngbae's a saint but you aren't. And it's been what? At least eight years since you realized you were attracted to him? That's gotta do something to your manly bits."
Teddy proceeds to give her a withering glare but she just rolls her eyes, she didn't have time to council someone else's feelings when she was dealing with her own.
"What about you and Dara? You can't tell me that doesn't do something to you."
"Yes but whereas you haven't even made a move I've at least done stuff."
"Drunken stuff."
Her glare shoots his way. “Okay I have to go even though I’d love to stick around and finish our little therapy session. But like you said I have a baby shower to plan.”
“What! Hey we have some song schematics to go over!”
“Look do you want me to be a bitch the whole time we work or actually nice? Let me deal with this, please?” Teddy shuts his mouth and sighs, shooing her away.
“I better see you in here tomorrow. And not looking like you just woke up either.” She waves him off and walks out the door and toward a small meeting room. She had texted Minji and Bom while doing her bickering deal with Teddy and they’d decided to meet there considering they were all at the YG building for once.
While she never lost contact with Minji, Dara, and Bom, she sometimes went weeks without seeing them. With Minji’s own solo career in full throttle and Bom raising two toddlers along with her hosting gigs they were all too busy to see each other regularly.
She slips inside the conference room to wait for the other two. It doesn’t take long for her to hear the loud talking of the girls from outside. Of course, it is about babies and colors and everything that currently made Chaerin sick to her stomach. But she plasters on a smile and stands to hug them both tight. Bom still looks as young as she did with maybe a few more lines along her face. It was expected considering she had Eun-jung and Dae-jung to look after. The twins were little balls of energy and left Bom ragged but Chaerin knew besides singing, motherhood was the one thing Bom had always dreamt of doing.
She’s suddenly bombarded with Bom’s phone, squealing and cooing comments as she scrolls through pictures of the twins in various stages of undress, play, and mess. Minji’s exclamations are much louder and enthusiastic. While their maknae was still young she had voiced her want for the happy married life that the two oldest had. Chaerin didn’t think Minji would settle down anytime soon however. It seemed the youngest had a thing for breaking the hearts of all her back up dancers and enjoying the attention from many male idols who found her sexy album concept quite enticing. Chaerin would be more worried if she wouldn’t be a hypocrite for warning, the very grown Minji, against the dangers of reckless sex. She seemed more responsible about that than Chaerin ever hoped to be.
“Yah, Chaerin! Are you listening? We need to decide on a color scheme and cake selection!”
Bom pulls out a binder with different colored tabs and Chaerin’s eyes almost bulge out of her face. Bom, their sweet, disorganized Bom, seemed to have changed completely.
“Unnie when did you become like this?” Minji is the first to ask the question Chaerin is thinking.
“I’ve always been like this! Just…in a slightly unconventional way.”
Chaerin and Minji share a look, still completely confused.
“That’s not the point anyway. The point is, have you booked the venue Chaerin? We’ll need a place for at least 50 guests but with enough room to fit 100.”
“100!? I thought this was a small baby shower!”
“It is! Don’t you remember mine had that and then some.”
Chaerin felt completely lost, not having remembered going to Bom’s shower since it was during her “dark time.”
“Bommie do you think I’d be able to bring my boyfriend?”
“Gong Minji you have a boyfriend!?” Bom shrieks happily and suddenly both of them are chattering away at Minji’s current boy (surprisingly it’s not an idol or a dancer-some accountant on the fourth floor).
Chaerin tries to listen, giving several nods and laughs when needed but it’s hard for her to concentrate. She wants to be excited for her members. Their lives are ever changing and they are her best friends, despite the recent shift of their jobs and time apart.
Maybe they notice her terseness because they turn to her with looks of concern.
“Chaerin-ah…is everything okay?” Minji’s big doe eyes look at her earnestly and she feels sorry for her lack of care. Her eyes flick to Bom as well and she grabs them both into a tight hug.
“I’m so sorry you guys…” Their arms encircle her and they hug each other tightly.
It reminds her of their first Nolza concert all huddled together and staring wide-eyed at each other. They grabbed each other’s hands fiercely and had squeezed unable to feel the pain of it due to the numbness coursing through their bodies. She had been unable to give a speech and Dara had pulled them all into a hug before whispering a “fighting!”
It felt like that but also it didn’t. They were missing one person and as much as Chaerin wanted to believe that if she were there it would be the same as before, she knew it wouldn’t. Pulling back from the hug she gives them both a smile.
“Thanks…I needed that.”
“You know we’ll always be here for you Chaerin-ah.”
She nods and keeps smiling. They’d always be there for her but she wonders if she would have the strength to always be there for them.
An hour later when she’s all burnt out on planning an event she’d rather chew her foot off then go to, she decides she either needs alcohol or skin.
***
Sometimes she'd climb in bed with Hyuksoo and it'd be skin for days. Sometimes Seungho joined but more often than not he didn't. He was too gay even if he said he enjoyed their little soirees. It wasn't about the sex half the time-more about loneliness and needing a body. And on days like today, she knew Hyuksoo would be there for her. So she traveled back to his loft, her limbs on autopilot-she really needed to forget everything. Her life was falling apart around her but she didn’t know if she had the strength to pick it back up again.
Her feet lead her to Hyuksoo’s door, not even recalling when she had arrived at his building. She doesn’t knock and just enters-almost wishing she hadn’t. Hyuksoo’s room is off to the side of the door and she can see (and hear) everything. Hyuksoo’s cries of pleasure reach her ears and she can see Seungho’s body sprawled beneath him. They lay sideways allowing her a full view of them as they look at one another. It makes her stomach clench and she feels her face flush. Before she calls attention to herself she shuts the door, not caring if it slams, and runs toward the stairs unable to wait for the elevator. She should have known-a part of her already did-Hyuksoo and Seungho were together.
They were her best friends and she needed them, needed that physical connection to stay sane. But she knew because she cared for them that continuing their little rendezvous was impossible. It wasn’t that fact that made her feel sick to her stomach though. It was seeing that Seungho was madly in love with Hyuksoo. The way his eyes stared needily up at Hyuksoo replayed over and over in her mind eventually calling up images she’d vainly tried to get rid of.
Dara lay in a mess of blankets. Her eyes upturned in laughter at something Chaerin had said. She could always get Dara to laugh, or giggle, or smile. It was her specialty and it gave her satisfaction every time she accomplished it.
She could hardly remember what she had said, far too drunk, possibly on celebration champagne-they had won an MTV music award, there first success in the US market-and they were too jittery to fall asleep. Minji was still partying somewhere and Bom had met up with her current boyfriend. It was just her and Dara in their hotel room, in a foreign country, and drunk on success. She felt Dara’s tiny feet brush against her legs and she shifted in response. They couldn’t sleep so talking all night seemed like the best option.
Dara’s skin was still covered in makeup and while some mascara smudged at the corner of her eyes Chaerin couldn’t look away because she was so beautiful. Dara was still laughing as she scooted closer. Both of their heads nestled on the same pillow.
“Chaerin-ah, do you think 2NE1 will still be together a few years from now?”
Chaerin had to blink and clear her mind the alcohol making her thoughts too slow. “Yah, of course we will! Do you think so little of us?”
Dara’s face suddenly scrunched up causing Chaerin’s stomach to do a weird somersault. She recognized what this was when she was still 17 and a trainee. It wasn’t odd for her to have crushes on members in YG.
She remembers having a crush on a YG member. It was almost impossible not to. They were all young with normal hormones. Except her crush was on Gummy-even though Top had also given her butterflies with a gaze that lasted a little too long. Then again Seunghyun was known for doing that to both genders unintentionally and on purpose (mainly on purpose).
Fans and media were normally wrong on who exactly had feelings for who. A lot of it was acting but during the time of 2NE1’s rising success, Dara had recently developed certain feelings for Jiyong-much to Chaerin's chagrin. Luckily Jiyong lent more towards the male persuasion-or Seunghyun persuasion. Her gaze focused back to Dara at a light poke to her forehead.
“Earth to Chaerin. Did you hear me?” Chaerin shook her head causing the room to tilt a little. “Well, I said of course not! I’m just wondering. Bommie mentioned wanting to marry soon…and if I find someone I’ll marry them but I don’t know if I could keep up with everything. I don’t want to leave you and Minji scrambling though…you’re both so young.” Dara’s sigh was weary making Chaerin’s already clogged mind fill with a thousand things to say half of them not appropriate.
“Hey, don’t worry about us okay? Minji and I will be just fine. Besides YG can still get a few more years out of you two old ajhumma’s.” Chaerin chuckled and earned a light tap to her arm as punishment but the joke did its trick and made Dara smile again. It was all too much for her. The alcohol, the idea of 2NE1 not being 2NE1, Dara not being there…hers. It made her do something stupid, rash, irresponsible.
Her lips are clumsy when they meet Dara’s, she isn’t inexperienced (a few dancers and models, male and female, helped her hone her skills) but this is different. She can feel panic start to blossom throughout her body as Dara doesn’t react-what was she doing? She shouldn’t have, she can’t but-Dara’s hand curves around her cheek and they are kissing. No light pecks or teasing touches. Their lips are fully connected and oh god, Chaerin can feel Dara’s tongue glide slowly, exploratory, across her lips and she instantly reacts. Her arm slides around Dara’s tiny waist pulling their bodies against each others, her lips part and their tongues connect in a sloppy way. It’s perfect though. Dara tastes sweet and sour-like strawberries and morning breath-and it’s amazing. She doesn’t care if her hands are clammy and her mind is screaming for her to stop.
Dara pulls away first, lips glistening wet and eyes hooded, from alcohol or the kiss she can’t tell. Chaerin doesn’t want her to speak though she knows the first words will break whatever has happened. She shifts upward and moves to attach her lips to Dara’s neck. A gasp is her reply. She sucks and bites and creates raised marks along porcelain skin.
Dara is so small, all her bones press upward, as if to scream for release from her skin, and Chaerin takes her time running her tongue along each one. Her lips trail through dips and grooves of bone and skin and she can’t help her hand sliding under Dara’s thin night shirt, cupping a small breast in her hand. And Dara reacts with shivers and soft gasps, her eyes closed tightly, while her body curls at every touch. Chaerin pushes up her shirt and Dara doesn’t protest. Her eyes skim over the plane of her stomach, across rib bones and to taut breasts. Goosebumps rise along Dara’s body and Chaerin places a gentle kiss to her stomach.
The result is a soft spoken Chaerin which is all she needs to trail her mouth upward. Her tongue leaves a wet trail until her lips encircle one nipple slowly. Dara’s light gasp and fingers in her hair urge her on and she sucks tentatively on the nub. Her hand cups the other breast.
She decides to be bold and slide her hand down just reaching the hemline of Dara’s sleep shorts, her fingers dip down. Dara seems to stop breathing and she can feel the tension,-the anticipation-and the fear between them both. But its cut off abruptly as a loud knock on the door rips them apart. Chaerin stumbles off the bed and her eyes flick to Dara who has her shirt yanked down and her arms held tightly against her.
Minji’s soft drunken drawl drifts through the door and casting one more look back to Dara she hurries to the door to pull the youngest inside.
They get Minji in bed with little difficulty, careful not to touch and when everything settles back down all Chaerin can do is go to her own room. Dara doesn’t say anything, doesn’t look at her either, as she slips from the room and finds her way back.
The next morning it’s as if nothing happened. Dara isn’t chipper (but who would be with a hangover) and nothing seems different. Dara bickers with Minji about her shoes blocking the door and Bom hums throughout breakfast. There flight back to Seoul is long but Dara rests her head on Chaerin’s shoulder like she normally does. And Chaerin is left to wonder if it was all a figment of her imagination.
The impact of that night still left Chaerin raw. A year later when Dara announced her engagement to a man Chaerin had only met a handful of times made it scald. It wasn’t until their marriage that Chaerin finally broke down.
Dara had said (in no uncertain terms on the eve of her bachelorette party after Chaerin had foolishly gotten drunk and tried kissing her) that it would never happen again and it was a foolish mistake. Chaerin had no choice but to nod and agree.
She had a smile plastered on her face while she watched Dara glide down the aisle in an ivory white gown. She was glowing and Chaerin couldn’t look away if she wanted. The rest of that night was a blank that she had Teddy fill in for her. Apparently dancing on a table was not wedding etiquette and having your boss find you making out in the men’s bathroom wasn’t good either.
Just like that night, the rest of that year was a blank time for her. She was drunk half of it and slept the rest of it. Teddy had nursed her back from whatever hole she had fallen into but she hadn’t recovered completely. The edges of her mind whispered for her to forget it again. It would be so easy. But she has responsibilities now, a solo album, help training the next generation of girls, and planning a baby shower.
Her phone vibrates loudly and rips her from her thoughts. It’s Hyuksoo and she hesitates before answering, “Hey…”
There’s a moment’s pause before she hears him speak in a worried voice. “Hey Chae…shit, look, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were coming over. I wouldn’t have…we wouldn’t have been-”
She cuts him off quickly, “No, stop. We’re not dating you don’t need to worry about explaining to me.” She contemplates whether to continue and decides she might as well. “Soo, just date each other already. Seriously, I’ll be alright if that’s the reason you haven’t gotten together with him. You know we’ve been nothing but casual. Don’t worry about my feelings, I’m a tough girl.”
She hears Hyuksoo take a deep breath, almost in relief, “Chae it’s not like that…”
“Oh please, even I can tell you are a lovestruck teenager right now.”
Hyuksoo’s deep laughter filters to her ear and she smiles. “That obvious? Shit I was trying to be cool.”
“You’ve never been cool Soo, you’ve only attempted to be cool.”
“Hey I resent that! Anyway…Seungho, Jiyong, and I are hitting the club later tonight. You want to come?”
She almost snorts at his question. “When have I ever declined an offer to hang out with you guys? Just because I saw you boning doesn’t mean you’ve scared me off. You do remember we had that little ménage à trios right?”
Suddenly she hears a splutter and realizes Hyuksoo must have put her on speaker. “Hyuksoo you little shit…yeah I hope you remember that Seungho! Don’t get weird on me now just because I’ve seen Hyuksoo’s dick in you this time!”
There’s a loud squawk and she smiles in satisfaction. Seungho probably wouldn’t be able to look at her any time soon without turning beat red. She’d never figure out how he could be so prudish still after hanging with Jiyong and Seunghyun.
“Okay, fine meet us at NB2 at 7. Oh, shit, now he’s storming off. Thanks Chae!”
“No problem! Have fun making up!” The call ends and she hurries home to change. She shouldn’t be partying not with Hyunseuk’s album ultimatum over her head but after the baby shower deal she needs to.
Hours later she makes her way to YG’s famed hip-hop club. It had suddenly spiked in popularity thanks to nuthang’s frequent visits.
She had to thank Jiyong for introducing her to nuthang. While it was touted as a group of good looking friends Chaerin had come to find out it was a group of gay (although a few touted their love of women-like Hyuksoo) good-looking friends. Jiyong had failed to mention this to both her and Seunghyun and while it took her all of five minutes to figure it out, Seunghyun was a little denser (after Jiyong drunkenly shoved his tongue down Seunghyun’s throat he finally caught on).
She enjoyed hanging out with them. Gay men seemed to bring her life less complications given her own sexual preferences.
Chaerin quickly caught up with Hyuksoo and Seungho. Her face lit up in a Cheshire grin at the sight of Seungho turning bright red.
“So how is my favorite gay couple?”
“Woah couple?” Right behind her Jiyong slides into the booth before she can taking a seat close to Seungho.
“Yeah haven’t you heard? These two finally stopped dinking around and got to dicking around.”
Jiyong stands and does a loud clap. “Shit, finally. I was waiting for this. Let’s drink to celebrate.”
It doesn’t take them long to knock down two shots of whiskey and work on some vodka tonics. They’re all loud and crazy and while the alcohol messes with her head it doesn’t drag her down.
“Yah, Chaerin, when are you going to get yourself a hot piece of thing? I could totally hook you up with this one model chick Seunghyun use to date.”
Her face scrunches up as she tries to process Jiyong’s words. “Why would you hook me up with one of Seunghyun’s exes?”
“Cause she’s hot and dumped Seunghyun when she figured out she liked boobs more.”
She smacks Jiyong’s arm. “No thanks I’d rather stick with gay men.”
“Well we are fabulous.” She can only fall over into a fit of laughter at Jiyong’s comment earning her an indignant look and another glass of vodka.
She’s stumbling by the time she realizes she needs to leave. Hyuksoo and Seungho are making out in a corner and Jiyong is too far gone to make it home safely. So, using years of leader work, she hauls Jiyong to his feet. They both stumble and almost end up sprawled on the floor but luckily she catches them safely. It takes her awhile to fumble and find her phone, clumsily dialing Seunghyun’s number. Jiyong attempts to break free from her but she holds him tight.
She drags Jiyong outside to wait. It’s quiet aside from Jiyong’s random singing before he suddenly whispers out to her.
“You still love her don’t you?
She doesn’t want to answer but can’t help it. “Yeah…”
“Why?”
“Why’d you never stop loving Seunghyun?”
“She’s not like Seunghyun though…” His face scrunches up in thought as if it’s hard for him to imagine. She knows what he means though. Dara never was attracted to her. Dara didn’t follow her every movement throughout a room or attempt to sit closer. Dara didn’t turn out to be in love with her.
Her mouth tenses in a thin line and they don’t speak the rest of the time. Seunghyun arrives cradling Jiyong close to him as they both stumble out to his car. She decides to take a cab even though Seunghyun insists he should take her home but she refuses.
She falls to her bed and can’t seem to fall asleep. It isn’t until hours later, and an early message from her mom inviting her over for family dinner, that she falls asleep.
***
The morning after leaves her tired and sick the whole day (she cancels on Teddy) and she almost cancels her dinner plans. But when she arrives at her parent’s home she sags in relief. Something about being inside lifts a weight off her shoulders. She feels more invigorated and with some of her mother’s coddling (that she would never be able to say no to at any age) along with home cooking bleeds life into her body again.
They have a quick dinner with light conversation before she settles into her father’s study to share some herbal tea. Throughout her childhood the one thing that had remained constant with every move and place they lived was her father’s space. It was filled with books and papers and an aura of peace. And his place held her favorite family tradition. Usually they’d share tea and her father would soothe her with a reading from whatever book she chose. Today was different. They’re both quiet as they share tea and she’s almost afraid to look at him. But she does.
She glances up and is struck by her father’s eyes, filled with all the love he possesses for her. For a moment she has to bite her lip and fight back tears. Her father had always supported her, still supported her and it made her disappointed in herself to have fallen so low.
His voice is soft, soothing as he speaks, and while it’s an admonishment she knows it’s what she needs to hear. “I never stifled your free expression. So why are you doing it to yourself now? Chaerin you don't hold the world in your hands. If you’re hurt let it out. Letting it fester inside will only lead to more hurt.”
His speech pushes her over the edge and she cries. She doesn’t know for how long. It seems lost in the embrace that her father gives her. He comforts her with more words until she pulls herself together enough to sniffle out replies.
“What can I do? She’s having a baby…she’s married. And I’m here planning it for her and dying inside every time someone mentions getting yellow booties. It hurts Dad. It hurts so much and I don’t know what to do.” She can feel her mascara smearing along her cheeks but she doesn’t care. Her father gives her the gentlest of looks before pressing a kiss to her forehead and handing her a handkerchief (now she knows why he keeps one).
“It’s going to hurt. It might for a very long time. But you can’t allow that hurt to dictate how you live. You must overcome it. I raised you to be independent and strong and that’s what you are. Don’t drown your sorrows Chaerin because all it does is drown you with them. You must learn to swim.”
His gaze calms her and while she still feels broken she doesn’t feel hopeless.
“Swim like Park Taehun?”
Her father smiles and pats her cheek lovingly.
“No, I raised you so you’ll swim better.”
She laughs at that and wipes at her snot covered face. When she leaves she realizes what she has to do.
***
The rest of her week is filled with hours in the studio and sending out party invitations. It drains her of all her energy but she lives off of coffee and cigarettes. By the day of the party she’s wearing a slab of make-up to cover her eye bags and is dealing with far too many people calling to ask where the venue is again (even though she’d specifically had it printed in red on the invites for people to see).
She meets up with Bom, Minji, Gummy, and surprisingly Jiyong (well not so surprisingly since she used her current favor to drag him into this hell with her). They all set about decorating the venue and covering the place with balloons and bubbly baby decorations.
Everyone gathers together in the open area of the restaurant. The place is covered in yellow balloons (Bom’s “It’s a gender neutral color!” had been loud in her ears when she picked up the decorations). She has to admit everything looks perfect. The cake is garnished with pretty flowers and a cheesy “you’re having a baby” and flavored exactly like Dara likes-lemon with hints of strawberry.
She’s drinking some wine when Dara and her husband walk in. They walk in to the sounds of congratulations but all Chaerin focuses on is the bright smiles and clasped hands that they share. Dara looks completely happy. Her baby bump pushes out from her small frame in an obvious way (even though she’s only five months) and she carries that pregnancy glow that Chaerin’s heard about. It hurts.
Her teeth clench together tightly as she stands and wanders over to the happy couple. She leans in and wraps her arms tightly around Dara’s thin shoulders and it hurts more. It’s like a dull ache in her chest but it isn’t overpowering.
She inhales deeply. Dara doesn’t wear the coconut perfume Chaerin used to get her. Pregnancy changed a lot of things. She pulls away and smiles at the couple, she smiles, and smiles, and smiles.
It hurts the whole time. But every time Dara opens another gift (a toy, and then some bottles, and then a baby book), amid all the happy claps and laughter and the awkward way Hyunseuk hugs Dara in congratulations, she finds it easier to breath.
Maybe it wouldn’t be alright today, or tomorrow, or even a week from now but Chaerin realizes that’s okay. It hurts but seeing Dara laugh and turn a bright eye-smile her way at the bedazzled baby onesies she bought make it worth it. She’s far from being selfless and her jealousy might continue to flare up at every thank you and charming smile from Dara’s husband but it eases.
***
It’s after she has record breaking sales from the release of her new solo album and the flurry of promotions, after the awards and parties and hours of rehearsal, that four months later-to the day- Chaerin gets a call. She arrives at the hospital and waits with Minji and Bom. When they finally get the call to come inside she sees Dara holding a pink bundle. She edges closer and sees the button nose of the tiniest little girl. She’s beautiful. Chaerin’s eyes drift to Dara’s face and she looks at her little girl like she’s the center of the universe.
“Chaerin…I named her after her godmother. Hana Faith”
Chaerin starts to cry when Hana Faith is placed in arms. It hurts. But it hurts in a way that makes Chaerin smile at her little god-daughter.
It hurts and she will need a day at a time-a day at a time to figure out that she will be fine all by herself-like her father always said, she does not need anyone who does not need her. It hurts but that’s okay.
Rating: R
Pairing: CL/Sandara
Length: 6,754
Genre: Future
Summary: Chaerin is falling apart and falling together.
Prompt Used: Miss A - I Don’t Need a Man, also the supplementary prompts here and here
Author's Note: I cleaned this fic up a lot and added a few extra things. I didn't proofread it well enough when I submitted it (lesson kiddos procrastination isn't always your friend) and there was a lot I wanted different about it but it's written and done with. Originally posted here at kpop_olymfics
Chaerin lay tucked in a mess of black sheets, completely oblivious to the world. Her current state of sleep is only disturbed by a violent shaking to her shoulder. Instantly she startles and bristles up, about ready to bite whoever thought of disturbing her.
“Chaerin” She lifts her head feeling as if a hundred pound weight sat inside her brain.
“What!?” she hisses out angrily. Her face is caked with last night’s make-up and her breath tasted like old vomit and beer-probably smelled worse.
“Shit, calm down! Look, I have to go to work. You know you can stay and sleep. But Teddy just texted asking if you were with me. I said no, so I’d say you have about two hours before he sends a squad out for you.” She wishes Hyuksoo could see her glare but she figures he can tell by her lack of reply that she isn’t happy.
Her head drops instantly back to the pillow and she groans, merely waving her hand to send him away. She can hear his sigh and his too loud shuffling of feet. He slams the door as he leaves (it sounds like gun to her pounding head) and she burrows back into the bed to sleep. Her phone buzzes loudly over and over again somewhere on the floor.
She isn’t sure if she could to get to it but as the phone rings for the umpteenth time she finds the ability to roll toward the edge of the bed. Dangling her arm over the side she fumbles for her jeans which lay crumpled in a mess of shirts, socks, and underwear. Digging through a pocket she pulls out her phone and nearly cries as the screen lights up too brightly. Squinting and blinking away the tears she reads the 7 missed calls (mostly from Teddy) and 20 messages (again mostly from Teddy).
As she is about to call him back an incoming call vibrates her phone. Hitting the answer button she puts it to her ear and snaps out violently, “Stop being a fucking parent. I’m fine.” There is a heartbeat of silence before she hears Teddy’s voice, far more world wary than he deserves to sound.
“Don’t get angry at me for trying to get your ass to work. Or have you forgotten that you actually have a job, Miss Self-loathing?” She would roll her eyes but she’s positive that would make her head split open.
“I haven’t forgotten. But can’t I sleep in? I think I’ve earned that right.” She can hear the bitterness in her voice but she is too tired and hung-over to care, especially with Teddy.
A long exasperated sigh reaches her ear and she can almost see the way Teddy is rearranging his fabled hoodie and ball cap (even with a marriage, one kid, and subsequent divorce he never really changed).
“Chae it’s noon. You’ve got two hours to be here. That’s as long as I can hold off Hyunseuk. He wants to hear the songs we’ve been working on. And Minji keeps coming by, something about pink or yellow plates for the party? I don’t know, just drink some coffee and look presentable. Oh, and brush your teeth I don’t want another case of vomit breath.”
A click resounds before she can retort with some scathing reply. Teddy really knew her too well. Falling back to the bed she wants to be spiteful and sleep again but she’s flaked on Teddy a lot the past few weeks. She normally never feels guilty but she owes him even more for the last several years. What with her nervous breakdowns and that one time… that she’d rather not dwell on.
With a heave of sore muscles (really, what the hell did she do last night?) she lifts herself from the comfort of the bed. She stumbles around, too tired, too hungover-too; a lot of things- to really get a handle on the day. But she finds some clean clothes of Hyuksoo’s, that won’t look awful on her, and tosses them on. She brushes her teeth with his tooth brush (not like she hadn’t had worse things of his in her mouth) and fixes her unkempt hair as best she can. Finding her shoes she stuffs her feet into them and walks out the door.
She will probably be back at his place sometime in the future and she isn’t all that worried about her clothes. He’ll let the next girl-or boy-who he brings home wear them. She used to get upset by that but a lot of things changed for her and something as useless as her clothes being given away, especially when they weren’t even dating, wasn’t worth her time.
She liked the casualness of their relationship. When she needed sex he gave it. When she didn’t need sex but felt lonely, he gave her companionship (usually with sex).
Chaerin makes her way down to the apartment floor and sees an awaiting van for her. She had to give Teddy more credit, he seemed to have matured somewhat over the years-or he knew her habits well enough to predict where she would be. With sluggish movements she pulls herself into the signature black YG van and settles back into the seat.
She tries to watch Seoul life flash by through the window but her stomach starts turning and she closes her eyes instead. Hyunseuk will probably pull her solo album work if he finds out she’s been partying again. The pounding in her head says he should but she needs the work-the focus-otherwise she would have to focus on other things-not as pleasant and far more hurtful. He was giving her a chance to pull her shit together and unfortunately she was having a hard time with it.
The van soon pulls up to the parking garage and she briefly thanks the driver before heading to the elevator doors. The ride up lets her collect her thoughts and straighten out her outfit so she doesn’t look like she just rolled out of bed. As luck would have it, she reaches Teddy’s famed studio right at the time that Hyunseuk does. His expression is carefully blank and she wonders with alarm if this is the moment he’s going to tell her to stop her work. She bows several times when they meet at the door and waits for him to enter first but he only nods his head for her to go in.
She opens the door and shoots Teddy an “oh shit” look and watches him compose his look of alarm as Hyunseuk walks in after her. Chaerin stands beside Hyunseuk in awkward silence while Teddy tries to make it look like he wasn’t playing solitary. The atmosphere is awkward but it normally is whenever Hyunseuk is around. Even after years of working for him, it seems none of the 2NE1 girls ever got over the stage of being casual friends with their boss.
“So, how are the tracks coming along?” Hyunseuk’s face is neutral. The man had the best poker face she’d ever seen. Her eyes shift over to Teddy and he fidgets minimally. He was good at lying but Hyunseuk had figured out his tells years ago. She didn’t want to lie though. She was done with lying; it took more energy than she had left to give.
“Ah…about that…I’ve been in a slight rut-song wise.”
Hyunseuk’s arms cross and she can see the disappointment. She hated disappointment. It was failure because it meant she had failed in pleasing someone.
“Chaerin I’ve given you a three month extension on this. If you don’t finish soon you’re album won’t be released. I’ve already had marketing create some promotions. If you aren’t going to take this seriously I’m not going to keep spending money or Teddy’s time on something you can’t finish.”
She keeps her eyes downcast the whole time and can’t stop biting her lip. He’s right, he’s always right, she deserves this but it doesn’t make her eyes stop tearing up and, fuck, she is not going to cry in front of him.
He does something unexpected and rests his hand on her shoulder.
“You know I care for you Chaerin, you and the rest of the girls, I’m going to give you another extension but it’s the last one I can give. If you need to talk…you can always come see me.”
He hesitates at the last part and she can tell he’s uncomfortable mentioning it but him even offering makes it somehow sweet. She laughs suddenly, unable to stop, because Hyunseuk as sweet is so new to her. She’s met with weird looks from Teddy and Hyunseuk and shakes her head. They seem to leave it as a “girl thing” and let her finish laughing.
It doesn’t make her feel any better that he can see she is falling apart. If her boss who rarely ever sees her can tell, how well can people close to her? She’s better than this and silently berates herself. She already fell apart once, she can’t afford to put her life on hold another time.
“Teddy, keep me updated on your progress and send me the songs you have so far.” Teddy gives a hurried reply before Hyunseuk walks out already making a call on his cellphone.
The room is silent for a half beat before they both seem to exhale in relief.
“Shit Chae. You should have warned me or something!” Teddy fixes his hoodie for the fifteenth time she’s been in the room and she falls into a chair with a huff.
“Like I knew he was going to be standing there!”
“If you had stopped being so mopey we wouldn’t have this problem.” He swivels his chair to face his computer again to finish his solitaire game.
“I haven’t been mopey!”
“Wait let me correct that; you’ve been mopey and jaded. Which, you need to stop being so fucked jaded. Dara’s been married for two years now. She’s having a kid. You’re too young to become bitter like this.”
“Oh my god, do not give me a lecture on love right now.”
“Hey, I know I’m not an expert by any means but you need a lecture or a beating. Whichever gets this shit across to your thick skull. You’re 27 Chae, you’re still young, don’t throw these years away. Trust me, you’ll want to feel heartbroken and all this teenage angst when you hit 40.”
“You aren’t forty yet and you can’t talk to me until you figure your own shit out.”
Teddy sighs and swivels in his chair to look at her. "Don't you have a baby shower to plan or something?" If her glare could kill him in the most painful of ways he'd be screaming right now. “Come on Chae, either let it go or tell her how you feel…for real this time.”
"Right. I will when you admit you have a gay crush on Youngbae." She watches Teddy’s face turn a bright shade of red and grins in satisfaction. “Come on you’ll feel better if you get it off your chest.”
“There’s nothing to admit.” Even he knows that sounds weak so he just shakes his head.
"Look we both know Youngbae's a saint but you aren't. And it's been what? At least eight years since you realized you were attracted to him? That's gotta do something to your manly bits."
Teddy proceeds to give her a withering glare but she just rolls her eyes, she didn't have time to council someone else's feelings when she was dealing with her own.
"What about you and Dara? You can't tell me that doesn't do something to you."
"Yes but whereas you haven't even made a move I've at least done stuff."
"Drunken stuff."
Her glare shoots his way. “Okay I have to go even though I’d love to stick around and finish our little therapy session. But like you said I have a baby shower to plan.”
“What! Hey we have some song schematics to go over!”
“Look do you want me to be a bitch the whole time we work or actually nice? Let me deal with this, please?” Teddy shuts his mouth and sighs, shooing her away.
“I better see you in here tomorrow. And not looking like you just woke up either.” She waves him off and walks out the door and toward a small meeting room. She had texted Minji and Bom while doing her bickering deal with Teddy and they’d decided to meet there considering they were all at the YG building for once.
While she never lost contact with Minji, Dara, and Bom, she sometimes went weeks without seeing them. With Minji’s own solo career in full throttle and Bom raising two toddlers along with her hosting gigs they were all too busy to see each other regularly.
She slips inside the conference room to wait for the other two. It doesn’t take long for her to hear the loud talking of the girls from outside. Of course, it is about babies and colors and everything that currently made Chaerin sick to her stomach. But she plasters on a smile and stands to hug them both tight. Bom still looks as young as she did with maybe a few more lines along her face. It was expected considering she had Eun-jung and Dae-jung to look after. The twins were little balls of energy and left Bom ragged but Chaerin knew besides singing, motherhood was the one thing Bom had always dreamt of doing.
She’s suddenly bombarded with Bom’s phone, squealing and cooing comments as she scrolls through pictures of the twins in various stages of undress, play, and mess. Minji’s exclamations are much louder and enthusiastic. While their maknae was still young she had voiced her want for the happy married life that the two oldest had. Chaerin didn’t think Minji would settle down anytime soon however. It seemed the youngest had a thing for breaking the hearts of all her back up dancers and enjoying the attention from many male idols who found her sexy album concept quite enticing. Chaerin would be more worried if she wouldn’t be a hypocrite for warning, the very grown Minji, against the dangers of reckless sex. She seemed more responsible about that than Chaerin ever hoped to be.
“Yah, Chaerin! Are you listening? We need to decide on a color scheme and cake selection!”
Bom pulls out a binder with different colored tabs and Chaerin’s eyes almost bulge out of her face. Bom, their sweet, disorganized Bom, seemed to have changed completely.
“Unnie when did you become like this?” Minji is the first to ask the question Chaerin is thinking.
“I’ve always been like this! Just…in a slightly unconventional way.”
Chaerin and Minji share a look, still completely confused.
“That’s not the point anyway. The point is, have you booked the venue Chaerin? We’ll need a place for at least 50 guests but with enough room to fit 100.”
“100!? I thought this was a small baby shower!”
“It is! Don’t you remember mine had that and then some.”
Chaerin felt completely lost, not having remembered going to Bom’s shower since it was during her “dark time.”
“Bommie do you think I’d be able to bring my boyfriend?”
“Gong Minji you have a boyfriend!?” Bom shrieks happily and suddenly both of them are chattering away at Minji’s current boy (surprisingly it’s not an idol or a dancer-some accountant on the fourth floor).
Chaerin tries to listen, giving several nods and laughs when needed but it’s hard for her to concentrate. She wants to be excited for her members. Their lives are ever changing and they are her best friends, despite the recent shift of their jobs and time apart.
Maybe they notice her terseness because they turn to her with looks of concern.
“Chaerin-ah…is everything okay?” Minji’s big doe eyes look at her earnestly and she feels sorry for her lack of care. Her eyes flick to Bom as well and she grabs them both into a tight hug.
“I’m so sorry you guys…” Their arms encircle her and they hug each other tightly.
It reminds her of their first Nolza concert all huddled together and staring wide-eyed at each other. They grabbed each other’s hands fiercely and had squeezed unable to feel the pain of it due to the numbness coursing through their bodies. She had been unable to give a speech and Dara had pulled them all into a hug before whispering a “fighting!”
It felt like that but also it didn’t. They were missing one person and as much as Chaerin wanted to believe that if she were there it would be the same as before, she knew it wouldn’t. Pulling back from the hug she gives them both a smile.
“Thanks…I needed that.”
“You know we’ll always be here for you Chaerin-ah.”
She nods and keeps smiling. They’d always be there for her but she wonders if she would have the strength to always be there for them.
An hour later when she’s all burnt out on planning an event she’d rather chew her foot off then go to, she decides she either needs alcohol or skin.
***
Sometimes she'd climb in bed with Hyuksoo and it'd be skin for days. Sometimes Seungho joined but more often than not he didn't. He was too gay even if he said he enjoyed their little soirees. It wasn't about the sex half the time-more about loneliness and needing a body. And on days like today, she knew Hyuksoo would be there for her. So she traveled back to his loft, her limbs on autopilot-she really needed to forget everything. Her life was falling apart around her but she didn’t know if she had the strength to pick it back up again.
Her feet lead her to Hyuksoo’s door, not even recalling when she had arrived at his building. She doesn’t knock and just enters-almost wishing she hadn’t. Hyuksoo’s room is off to the side of the door and she can see (and hear) everything. Hyuksoo’s cries of pleasure reach her ears and she can see Seungho’s body sprawled beneath him. They lay sideways allowing her a full view of them as they look at one another. It makes her stomach clench and she feels her face flush. Before she calls attention to herself she shuts the door, not caring if it slams, and runs toward the stairs unable to wait for the elevator. She should have known-a part of her already did-Hyuksoo and Seungho were together.
They were her best friends and she needed them, needed that physical connection to stay sane. But she knew because she cared for them that continuing their little rendezvous was impossible. It wasn’t that fact that made her feel sick to her stomach though. It was seeing that Seungho was madly in love with Hyuksoo. The way his eyes stared needily up at Hyuksoo replayed over and over in her mind eventually calling up images she’d vainly tried to get rid of.
Dara lay in a mess of blankets. Her eyes upturned in laughter at something Chaerin had said. She could always get Dara to laugh, or giggle, or smile. It was her specialty and it gave her satisfaction every time she accomplished it.
She could hardly remember what she had said, far too drunk, possibly on celebration champagne-they had won an MTV music award, there first success in the US market-and they were too jittery to fall asleep. Minji was still partying somewhere and Bom had met up with her current boyfriend. It was just her and Dara in their hotel room, in a foreign country, and drunk on success. She felt Dara’s tiny feet brush against her legs and she shifted in response. They couldn’t sleep so talking all night seemed like the best option.
Dara’s skin was still covered in makeup and while some mascara smudged at the corner of her eyes Chaerin couldn’t look away because she was so beautiful. Dara was still laughing as she scooted closer. Both of their heads nestled on the same pillow.
“Chaerin-ah, do you think 2NE1 will still be together a few years from now?”
Chaerin had to blink and clear her mind the alcohol making her thoughts too slow. “Yah, of course we will! Do you think so little of us?”
Dara’s face suddenly scrunched up causing Chaerin’s stomach to do a weird somersault. She recognized what this was when she was still 17 and a trainee. It wasn’t odd for her to have crushes on members in YG.
She remembers having a crush on a YG member. It was almost impossible not to. They were all young with normal hormones. Except her crush was on Gummy-even though Top had also given her butterflies with a gaze that lasted a little too long. Then again Seunghyun was known for doing that to both genders unintentionally and on purpose (mainly on purpose).
Fans and media were normally wrong on who exactly had feelings for who. A lot of it was acting but during the time of 2NE1’s rising success, Dara had recently developed certain feelings for Jiyong-much to Chaerin's chagrin. Luckily Jiyong lent more towards the male persuasion-or Seunghyun persuasion. Her gaze focused back to Dara at a light poke to her forehead.
“Earth to Chaerin. Did you hear me?” Chaerin shook her head causing the room to tilt a little. “Well, I said of course not! I’m just wondering. Bommie mentioned wanting to marry soon…and if I find someone I’ll marry them but I don’t know if I could keep up with everything. I don’t want to leave you and Minji scrambling though…you’re both so young.” Dara’s sigh was weary making Chaerin’s already clogged mind fill with a thousand things to say half of them not appropriate.
“Hey, don’t worry about us okay? Minji and I will be just fine. Besides YG can still get a few more years out of you two old ajhumma’s.” Chaerin chuckled and earned a light tap to her arm as punishment but the joke did its trick and made Dara smile again. It was all too much for her. The alcohol, the idea of 2NE1 not being 2NE1, Dara not being there…hers. It made her do something stupid, rash, irresponsible.
Her lips are clumsy when they meet Dara’s, she isn’t inexperienced (a few dancers and models, male and female, helped her hone her skills) but this is different. She can feel panic start to blossom throughout her body as Dara doesn’t react-what was she doing? She shouldn’t have, she can’t but-Dara’s hand curves around her cheek and they are kissing. No light pecks or teasing touches. Their lips are fully connected and oh god, Chaerin can feel Dara’s tongue glide slowly, exploratory, across her lips and she instantly reacts. Her arm slides around Dara’s tiny waist pulling their bodies against each others, her lips part and their tongues connect in a sloppy way. It’s perfect though. Dara tastes sweet and sour-like strawberries and morning breath-and it’s amazing. She doesn’t care if her hands are clammy and her mind is screaming for her to stop.
Dara pulls away first, lips glistening wet and eyes hooded, from alcohol or the kiss she can’t tell. Chaerin doesn’t want her to speak though she knows the first words will break whatever has happened. She shifts upward and moves to attach her lips to Dara’s neck. A gasp is her reply. She sucks and bites and creates raised marks along porcelain skin.
Dara is so small, all her bones press upward, as if to scream for release from her skin, and Chaerin takes her time running her tongue along each one. Her lips trail through dips and grooves of bone and skin and she can’t help her hand sliding under Dara’s thin night shirt, cupping a small breast in her hand. And Dara reacts with shivers and soft gasps, her eyes closed tightly, while her body curls at every touch. Chaerin pushes up her shirt and Dara doesn’t protest. Her eyes skim over the plane of her stomach, across rib bones and to taut breasts. Goosebumps rise along Dara’s body and Chaerin places a gentle kiss to her stomach.
The result is a soft spoken Chaerin which is all she needs to trail her mouth upward. Her tongue leaves a wet trail until her lips encircle one nipple slowly. Dara’s light gasp and fingers in her hair urge her on and she sucks tentatively on the nub. Her hand cups the other breast.
She decides to be bold and slide her hand down just reaching the hemline of Dara’s sleep shorts, her fingers dip down. Dara seems to stop breathing and she can feel the tension,-the anticipation-and the fear between them both. But its cut off abruptly as a loud knock on the door rips them apart. Chaerin stumbles off the bed and her eyes flick to Dara who has her shirt yanked down and her arms held tightly against her.
Minji’s soft drunken drawl drifts through the door and casting one more look back to Dara she hurries to the door to pull the youngest inside.
They get Minji in bed with little difficulty, careful not to touch and when everything settles back down all Chaerin can do is go to her own room. Dara doesn’t say anything, doesn’t look at her either, as she slips from the room and finds her way back.
The next morning it’s as if nothing happened. Dara isn’t chipper (but who would be with a hangover) and nothing seems different. Dara bickers with Minji about her shoes blocking the door and Bom hums throughout breakfast. There flight back to Seoul is long but Dara rests her head on Chaerin’s shoulder like she normally does. And Chaerin is left to wonder if it was all a figment of her imagination.
The impact of that night still left Chaerin raw. A year later when Dara announced her engagement to a man Chaerin had only met a handful of times made it scald. It wasn’t until their marriage that Chaerin finally broke down.
Dara had said (in no uncertain terms on the eve of her bachelorette party after Chaerin had foolishly gotten drunk and tried kissing her) that it would never happen again and it was a foolish mistake. Chaerin had no choice but to nod and agree.
She had a smile plastered on her face while she watched Dara glide down the aisle in an ivory white gown. She was glowing and Chaerin couldn’t look away if she wanted. The rest of that night was a blank that she had Teddy fill in for her. Apparently dancing on a table was not wedding etiquette and having your boss find you making out in the men’s bathroom wasn’t good either.
Just like that night, the rest of that year was a blank time for her. She was drunk half of it and slept the rest of it. Teddy had nursed her back from whatever hole she had fallen into but she hadn’t recovered completely. The edges of her mind whispered for her to forget it again. It would be so easy. But she has responsibilities now, a solo album, help training the next generation of girls, and planning a baby shower.
Her phone vibrates loudly and rips her from her thoughts. It’s Hyuksoo and she hesitates before answering, “Hey…”
There’s a moment’s pause before she hears him speak in a worried voice. “Hey Chae…shit, look, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were coming over. I wouldn’t have…we wouldn’t have been-”
She cuts him off quickly, “No, stop. We’re not dating you don’t need to worry about explaining to me.” She contemplates whether to continue and decides she might as well. “Soo, just date each other already. Seriously, I’ll be alright if that’s the reason you haven’t gotten together with him. You know we’ve been nothing but casual. Don’t worry about my feelings, I’m a tough girl.”
She hears Hyuksoo take a deep breath, almost in relief, “Chae it’s not like that…”
“Oh please, even I can tell you are a lovestruck teenager right now.”
Hyuksoo’s deep laughter filters to her ear and she smiles. “That obvious? Shit I was trying to be cool.”
“You’ve never been cool Soo, you’ve only attempted to be cool.”
“Hey I resent that! Anyway…Seungho, Jiyong, and I are hitting the club later tonight. You want to come?”
She almost snorts at his question. “When have I ever declined an offer to hang out with you guys? Just because I saw you boning doesn’t mean you’ve scared me off. You do remember we had that little ménage à trios right?”
Suddenly she hears a splutter and realizes Hyuksoo must have put her on speaker. “Hyuksoo you little shit…yeah I hope you remember that Seungho! Don’t get weird on me now just because I’ve seen Hyuksoo’s dick in you this time!”
There’s a loud squawk and she smiles in satisfaction. Seungho probably wouldn’t be able to look at her any time soon without turning beat red. She’d never figure out how he could be so prudish still after hanging with Jiyong and Seunghyun.
“Okay, fine meet us at NB2 at 7. Oh, shit, now he’s storming off. Thanks Chae!”
“No problem! Have fun making up!” The call ends and she hurries home to change. She shouldn’t be partying not with Hyunseuk’s album ultimatum over her head but after the baby shower deal she needs to.
Hours later she makes her way to YG’s famed hip-hop club. It had suddenly spiked in popularity thanks to nuthang’s frequent visits.
She had to thank Jiyong for introducing her to nuthang. While it was touted as a group of good looking friends Chaerin had come to find out it was a group of gay (although a few touted their love of women-like Hyuksoo) good-looking friends. Jiyong had failed to mention this to both her and Seunghyun and while it took her all of five minutes to figure it out, Seunghyun was a little denser (after Jiyong drunkenly shoved his tongue down Seunghyun’s throat he finally caught on).
She enjoyed hanging out with them. Gay men seemed to bring her life less complications given her own sexual preferences.
Chaerin quickly caught up with Hyuksoo and Seungho. Her face lit up in a Cheshire grin at the sight of Seungho turning bright red.
“So how is my favorite gay couple?”
“Woah couple?” Right behind her Jiyong slides into the booth before she can taking a seat close to Seungho.
“Yeah haven’t you heard? These two finally stopped dinking around and got to dicking around.”
Jiyong stands and does a loud clap. “Shit, finally. I was waiting for this. Let’s drink to celebrate.”
It doesn’t take them long to knock down two shots of whiskey and work on some vodka tonics. They’re all loud and crazy and while the alcohol messes with her head it doesn’t drag her down.
“Yah, Chaerin, when are you going to get yourself a hot piece of thing? I could totally hook you up with this one model chick Seunghyun use to date.”
Her face scrunches up as she tries to process Jiyong’s words. “Why would you hook me up with one of Seunghyun’s exes?”
“Cause she’s hot and dumped Seunghyun when she figured out she liked boobs more.”
She smacks Jiyong’s arm. “No thanks I’d rather stick with gay men.”
“Well we are fabulous.” She can only fall over into a fit of laughter at Jiyong’s comment earning her an indignant look and another glass of vodka.
She’s stumbling by the time she realizes she needs to leave. Hyuksoo and Seungho are making out in a corner and Jiyong is too far gone to make it home safely. So, using years of leader work, she hauls Jiyong to his feet. They both stumble and almost end up sprawled on the floor but luckily she catches them safely. It takes her awhile to fumble and find her phone, clumsily dialing Seunghyun’s number. Jiyong attempts to break free from her but she holds him tight.
She drags Jiyong outside to wait. It’s quiet aside from Jiyong’s random singing before he suddenly whispers out to her.
“You still love her don’t you?
She doesn’t want to answer but can’t help it. “Yeah…”
“Why?”
“Why’d you never stop loving Seunghyun?”
“She’s not like Seunghyun though…” His face scrunches up in thought as if it’s hard for him to imagine. She knows what he means though. Dara never was attracted to her. Dara didn’t follow her every movement throughout a room or attempt to sit closer. Dara didn’t turn out to be in love with her.
Her mouth tenses in a thin line and they don’t speak the rest of the time. Seunghyun arrives cradling Jiyong close to him as they both stumble out to his car. She decides to take a cab even though Seunghyun insists he should take her home but she refuses.
She falls to her bed and can’t seem to fall asleep. It isn’t until hours later, and an early message from her mom inviting her over for family dinner, that she falls asleep.
***
The morning after leaves her tired and sick the whole day (she cancels on Teddy) and she almost cancels her dinner plans. But when she arrives at her parent’s home she sags in relief. Something about being inside lifts a weight off her shoulders. She feels more invigorated and with some of her mother’s coddling (that she would never be able to say no to at any age) along with home cooking bleeds life into her body again.
They have a quick dinner with light conversation before she settles into her father’s study to share some herbal tea. Throughout her childhood the one thing that had remained constant with every move and place they lived was her father’s space. It was filled with books and papers and an aura of peace. And his place held her favorite family tradition. Usually they’d share tea and her father would soothe her with a reading from whatever book she chose. Today was different. They’re both quiet as they share tea and she’s almost afraid to look at him. But she does.
She glances up and is struck by her father’s eyes, filled with all the love he possesses for her. For a moment she has to bite her lip and fight back tears. Her father had always supported her, still supported her and it made her disappointed in herself to have fallen so low.
His voice is soft, soothing as he speaks, and while it’s an admonishment she knows it’s what she needs to hear. “I never stifled your free expression. So why are you doing it to yourself now? Chaerin you don't hold the world in your hands. If you’re hurt let it out. Letting it fester inside will only lead to more hurt.”
His speech pushes her over the edge and she cries. She doesn’t know for how long. It seems lost in the embrace that her father gives her. He comforts her with more words until she pulls herself together enough to sniffle out replies.
“What can I do? She’s having a baby…she’s married. And I’m here planning it for her and dying inside every time someone mentions getting yellow booties. It hurts Dad. It hurts so much and I don’t know what to do.” She can feel her mascara smearing along her cheeks but she doesn’t care. Her father gives her the gentlest of looks before pressing a kiss to her forehead and handing her a handkerchief (now she knows why he keeps one).
“It’s going to hurt. It might for a very long time. But you can’t allow that hurt to dictate how you live. You must overcome it. I raised you to be independent and strong and that’s what you are. Don’t drown your sorrows Chaerin because all it does is drown you with them. You must learn to swim.”
His gaze calms her and while she still feels broken she doesn’t feel hopeless.
“Swim like Park Taehun?”
Her father smiles and pats her cheek lovingly.
“No, I raised you so you’ll swim better.”
She laughs at that and wipes at her snot covered face. When she leaves she realizes what she has to do.
***
The rest of her week is filled with hours in the studio and sending out party invitations. It drains her of all her energy but she lives off of coffee and cigarettes. By the day of the party she’s wearing a slab of make-up to cover her eye bags and is dealing with far too many people calling to ask where the venue is again (even though she’d specifically had it printed in red on the invites for people to see).
She meets up with Bom, Minji, Gummy, and surprisingly Jiyong (well not so surprisingly since she used her current favor to drag him into this hell with her). They all set about decorating the venue and covering the place with balloons and bubbly baby decorations.
Everyone gathers together in the open area of the restaurant. The place is covered in yellow balloons (Bom’s “It’s a gender neutral color!” had been loud in her ears when she picked up the decorations). She has to admit everything looks perfect. The cake is garnished with pretty flowers and a cheesy “you’re having a baby” and flavored exactly like Dara likes-lemon with hints of strawberry.
She’s drinking some wine when Dara and her husband walk in. They walk in to the sounds of congratulations but all Chaerin focuses on is the bright smiles and clasped hands that they share. Dara looks completely happy. Her baby bump pushes out from her small frame in an obvious way (even though she’s only five months) and she carries that pregnancy glow that Chaerin’s heard about. It hurts.
Her teeth clench together tightly as she stands and wanders over to the happy couple. She leans in and wraps her arms tightly around Dara’s thin shoulders and it hurts more. It’s like a dull ache in her chest but it isn’t overpowering.
She inhales deeply. Dara doesn’t wear the coconut perfume Chaerin used to get her. Pregnancy changed a lot of things. She pulls away and smiles at the couple, she smiles, and smiles, and smiles.
It hurts the whole time. But every time Dara opens another gift (a toy, and then some bottles, and then a baby book), amid all the happy claps and laughter and the awkward way Hyunseuk hugs Dara in congratulations, she finds it easier to breath.
Maybe it wouldn’t be alright today, or tomorrow, or even a week from now but Chaerin realizes that’s okay. It hurts but seeing Dara laugh and turn a bright eye-smile her way at the bedazzled baby onesies she bought make it worth it. She’s far from being selfless and her jealousy might continue to flare up at every thank you and charming smile from Dara’s husband but it eases.
***
It’s after she has record breaking sales from the release of her new solo album and the flurry of promotions, after the awards and parties and hours of rehearsal, that four months later-to the day- Chaerin gets a call. She arrives at the hospital and waits with Minji and Bom. When they finally get the call to come inside she sees Dara holding a pink bundle. She edges closer and sees the button nose of the tiniest little girl. She’s beautiful. Chaerin’s eyes drift to Dara’s face and she looks at her little girl like she’s the center of the universe.
“Chaerin…I named her after her godmother. Hana Faith”
Chaerin starts to cry when Hana Faith is placed in arms. It hurts. But it hurts in a way that makes Chaerin smile at her little god-daughter.
It hurts and she will need a day at a time-a day at a time to figure out that she will be fine all by herself-like her father always said, she does not need anyone who does not need her. It hurts but that’s okay.