It's practically turning multi-chapter. I break it up into smaller pieces for you guys a little. You can take a break from the drama! ^_^
Three months, alone with your anger and your loss, go slowly when all you have to warm you are the dying flames of a hatred you’re trying your best to hang on to.
In her defense, Alec was making it pretty easy to hold on to those last vestiges. Three months. Three months and not a word. Not a ‘hey, how are you,’ or even a ‘sorry about that whole ‘knocking you up’ thing.’ Nothing.
The sudden hot sear of hatred was an ache that reminded her that sometimes she missed him.
God, she was so messed up.
Alec didn’t always consume her thoughts. There were many days when she didn’t think of him at all. Some days she felt absolutely nothing. Some days, she was so apathetic about the whole situation, she wondered if she was even capable of feeling anything anymore. It helped that she was so ridiculously pregnant, she often just didn’t have the energy.
Then some days, out of nowhere, the anger and rage would spike like a knife, and she didn’t know if she should hurt something, clench her fists until her palms bled, or if she should swallow all the rage and cry it all out in angry, heaving gasps until she was empty once more.
Who was she? What was she? It was like there were two of her; something dark, pacing at the edges, waiting to come out, and something tired, something all too frail and human, that observed her anger and wondered what was the point? She was getting too tired to always be so angry. To be honest, most days she tried to not think of him at all… But that’s a hard thing, seeing as how she was six months pregnant, with twins no less, and he was the culprit behind it all.
Figures that she hadn’t even wanted one kid, but her body had seen fit to give her two.
She paused, staring at the yellow paint drying on the walls. Joshua, covered in streaks of that same shade of yellow, paused in his exuberant rolling to stare at her in concern. Her face was calm though, and after a moment he went back to his task. His eyes only flicked towards her once or twice. She just continued to stare apathetically at the wall, at a single drip of paint that was making a run for it, oozing its way towards the floor. At least for a moment. Then her face twisted and her roller smashed into the trail and spread it evenly into the rest of the paint once more.
She imagined that the wall was Alec’s face. She imagined it was every wisp of emotion she had ever felt for him. The brutal, heavy rolling of paint continued until she had to bring a sleeve up to wipe harshly at the tears gathering in her eyes.
Joshua, watching her once more, just frowned, his face uncharacteristically serious.
Three months drag by when you’re without the one you want.
Not that Alec would ever admit, out loud or even to himself, that she was the one he wanted. Even if Mole had started to affectionately refer to him as ‘the gloomy motherfucker,’ even going so far as to introduce him that way to some of the new arrivals. As for Casey? Casey was so hell-bent on acting like nothing was wrong, something obviously was. But what did it matter? Max didn’t want him, and he… he… ah, who was he kidding? He didn’t have it in him to be angry at her. The only thing stopping him from going back to Seattle and trying to act like nothing had ever happened, at this point, was his pride.
That and the way she’d looked at him.
He’d faced down her anger before. Her incredulity. He’d rolled his eyes at her self-pity, and he’d laughed aloud at her self-righteousness. But those were all sudden blasts of emotion, usually simple and one-dimensional, almost superficial. The way she’d looked at him that day, all drawn, silent, and pale, her eyes so deep and so dark… It had been something more complex. It had been like… like she’d finally found something, anything, worthy in him, and then him and his stupid mouth had smashed it before it’d even got a chance to be realized. Her look had been anger and incredulity, self-pity and self-righteousness. But it also had been vulnerability, sadness and loss, and for one small moment, Max had looked like a normal woman; one that wasn’t sure what to do with herself, or why she was even there. And he’d been so hell-bent on being angry he hadn’t even been able to decipher it all until a few weeks later.
And then what?
Try to go back to Seattle and sort it out, and pull his foot out of his mouth, and call her out for being a bitch that had kind of deserved it, only not really because he was the one that was supposed to keep a level head, even when she started rampaging, and his thoughts kept going in so many circles, Alec wasn’t sure what to think. Just knew he couldn’t be really angry at her when he was so busy being pissed off at himself.
But how could he ever go back? How could he face that again?
Yeah. So what. So he was a coward. He could admit that, if nothing else. So he didn’t want to see that kind of expression again… Or worse, find out that all his stalling had separated them beyond repair and she didn’t feel anything for him anymore, not even the usual hatred. Maybe that’s what had really frightened him about her expression. For one short moment, she’d looked so vulnerable, her soul naked in her eyes before him… and then she’d drawn herself upright and the window in her eyes had slammed shut, and Alec worried that it would never open for him again.
He’d have blamed Manticore, but that was a hard thing to do when he was so busy blaming her, and himself, and her unrealistic expectations, and his narrow-minded inability to reach for anything higher than a pessimistic reality, and maybe he blamed the universe a little bit too, but mostly, yeah, he just blamed himself.
“You thought about therapy?”
Alec frowned down at the body. He nudged it a bit, but, stubbornly, the dead Familiar refused to move, refused to give him the opportunity to unload a bullet into his fat, meaty head. He clicked the safety back on with a sigh and glanced up at the dark haired transgenic at his side, the one watching him with a little bit of wariness.
“Sorry, did you say something?”
The man schooled his features back to normal. “I said Blaze and Chicks got one holed up in a bathroom next door, but as soon as they’re done-“
The pop of gunfire through the too-thin motel walls cut the man off.
He shrugged. “Nevermind. This site is clean.”
And just in time too. The familiar vibration in his jacket pocket had begun again, and Alec nodded at the man, stepped over the body sprawled upon the ground, and pulled his phone out, flipping it open. The gun stayed loosely held in the other hand; you could never be too careful, Familiars were like cockroaches, they kept popping out from their little hidey holes when you least expected it.
“Go for Alec.”
Mole’s familiar voice seemed wary through the phone. It was usually wary these days; like Mole didn’t know how to reach him and wanted to, but he didn’t want to know what would finally make the other man snap either. “Where are you, man?”
“I’m in Oregon.” Alec was still moving through the room, glancing at unmoving bodes. He toed an arm, pushing it over, and he eyed the Caduceus on the man’s cooling forearm. Casey frowned and glanced up from her spot near the closet. She was going through the Familiars’ suitcases, looking for some leads to their next big hit. It was a good thing they’d knocked out the motel clerk before taking care of his only ‘guests.’ It afforded them a few extra minutes. A few extra minutes to find the next group of Familiars; there’d been a sudden influx lately, small pockets popping up in the Northwest, and every time Alec found another group, it seemed they were getting closer and closer to Washington. It was almost like the Familiars were slowly converging on Seattle. He frowned. It didn’t sit well with Alec, not at all.
Mole’s voice was bland, pulling him back to the conversation. “Oregon, huh? Thought you were in northern Cali.”
“Yeah, well, we caught a scent and followed it up here. So long as we don’t find another one, we should be back in a few days.” Alec glanced around the room once more before stepping through the entrance and onto the second story walkway. Mid-morning sunlight had stretched across the cracked parking lot, across the cars haphazardly parked, but had not yet reached the landing. It was autumn and he was cold. He wondered if he’d ever really felt warmth.
There was a long pause, and then the words were so deceptively light, it was like it wasn’t even Mole. “Oregon… That’s just below Washington, isn’t it?”
Alec frowned in sudden annoyance. “What, are we playing a geography game now?”
There was a short pause; Alec could almost picture the transhuman working the cigar from one side of his mouth to the other before finally pulling it out completely to impart some kind of words of wisdom.
But Alec didn’t want to hear it. “Save it. I’m not going up to Seattle.” Then, in an attempt to be the man he once was, “Do you have any idea how fucking cold it is up there?”
The sounds of movement, of items being picked through, clothes tossed aside, abruptly stilled, and the silence was overwhelming. Alec could practically feel Casey’s sharp eyes, like a golden knife, on the back of his neck as Mole came back at him.
“I don’t care if it’s thirty below zero in Seattle right now, I think you should go.”
It surprised Alec, he hadn’t been expecting it. It almost made him forget that Casey was eavesdropping. Almost, but not quite. The annoyance followed on the heels of the surprise fairly quickly. He stepped out of the way as Blaze and Chicks left the room next door and passed by, glancing at him as they entered the motel room he’d just left. Alec reached out and closed the door once they were through before continuing the conversation.
“Why is it suddenly so important that I go to Seattle. You’ve never wanted me to head up there before.”
Maybe it was the distance that gave Mole the gumption. Maybe it was the phone call he had just gotten. Maybe he was just tired of Alec acting like a gloomy mother fucker and a bastard to boot. “Maybe I think you’ve been a damn pain these last three months, and I want you to get your prickly ass up to Seattle and fix whatever drama you got going on with the Queen B.”
Alec’s laugh was short and crisp. “So says Max’s greatest fan.”
There was an awkward pause. And then finally- “Look, I’m not sayin’ I’m princess’s new champion, but-“
“The answer is no. I’m not going to the fucking Zoo.” Alec bit back sharply. There was silence, and he could practically hear the gears in Mole’s head turning through the phone. He kept talking so that Mole couldn’t fire out something that would make him go where he was too scared to be. “I’ll be back in a few days. Try not to get any more bright ideas while I’m away.” And then he hung up. And took a deep breath, closing his eyes, regaining control. He was not a man. He was a soldier. He didn’t have time for-
The phone vibrated in his hand.
He snapped in open and fairly snarled. “Mole, I told you-“
“I don’t fucking care.” Mole wasn’t playing nice anymore. “Joshua called me not even ten minutes ago and you need to get your ass up to Seattle right now.”
Alec rolled his eyes. “Why? Familiars finally drop a bomb on the Zoo?”
“No, worse.”
Alec froze, forced his heart down. “What do you mean, worse?”
There was a long pause, as if Mole was unsure of how to continue.
“Mole, tell me what the hell is going on.” Stress made his voice tight. His heart refused to restart. He didn’t want to ask, but he couldn’t help it. “Is it Max?”
The voice that came back was dark and strangely amused. “Yeah, it’s Max all right.”
His breath came out in a rush. Oh God, not Max. Not her. Everything was still all screwed up. He hadn’t fixed anything. How could he live if she had-
“She’s pregnant, Alec.”
Alec’s heart was no longer frozen. It was gone completely; there was just a sucking hole in his chest where his heart should be, and he could hear the wind rushing through his ears, attempting to fill it.
Time had stopped. How long had he been standing here? He couldn’t remember. Surely too long. He need to say something, anything. His voice was so weak, Mole had to strain to hear it through the phone, but he finally managed a, “How- I mean…”
Mole shrugged through the phone. “Dog-boy says she’s about six months along.”
Alec staggered two steps forward, reached forward and clutched at the second-story’s iron railing. Six months. Six fucking months. Three months since he had seen her. Three months since she had walked away from him. Had she known? When she’d come to see him, had she known?
The look in her eyes, the window slamming shut. God, she’d known.
And she’d left without saying a word.
Mole must have been saying something, because his voice cut through the fog. “Alec? Did you hear me? I said she’s-“
“I heard you,” He said harshly, even though he hadn’t heard a word, busy as he was struggling for his own words, for thought, for anything. “I… I gotta go.” He flipped the phone shut and just stared at it, strangely still.
A door shut behind Alec and he turned so slowly: Casey was watching him with questioning eyes.
“Everything okay?”
His mind still seemed so blank. “I gotta go.” He repeated, so simple he probably seemed like an idiot.
“Alec?” He didn’t say anything, and for one long moment, he seemed almost frozen. Then, in a sudden flurry of activity, he abruptly spun, and fairly flew down the concrete steps of the old motel. Her confused, insistent voice followed him down. “Alec, where are you going?!”
The only reply was that of a car door slamming, a motor gunning, and the squeal of the tires as he pealed out of the parking lot. Casey, still leaning out over the railing, frowned. What the hell was going on?
A dark part of her heart whispered she probably already knew.
A few states over, Mole stared at the silent phone in his hand and he sighed. “I said; she’s marrying Logan.” He dropped the phone onto his desk. Humans; they were all so screwed up, he wondered how any of them managed to get by at all.
She paused outside the open door. Not glaringly open. Slightly open. Like someone had purposefully let it fall just far enough shut to instill dread. She didn't feel dread. She didn't feel anything.
Besides, he was the jackass that couldn't pick up a phone. That had waited three months before finally showing up.
The anger brought a shock of life into her system and her flat palm connected with the door, sent it slamming into the wall.
She'd thought he'd be waiting. He wasn't. The apartment was dark, silent, he was long gone, but every one of her overdeveloped senses screamed of his presence. He'd been here, but he'd left once more.
Max dropped the plastic bag she'd been carrying to the floor, controlling the small laugh that tried to erupt at the thought. He'd been here, but he'd left once more. Why so fucking funny? Because it seemed like that might be the only thing Alec was good at; leaving.
She followed the ghost of his presence. He didn't care about the kitchen; he'd never gotten the hang of cooking for himself, and found the kitchen completely useless, save as a handy place to keep the cups and the alcohol. Or at least, that's what he'd once felt. Who knows if he felt anything anymore.
He'd gone to her bedroom first, even knowing that she wasn't there. Max's hand connected with the doorframe he had probably leaned against, his hard eyes scanning the familiar bed, the same plant that had been trying to die for over a year. Max pushed away from the doorway, turned and went into the only other room he would enter. It was completely empty. Empty buckets of paint in one corner, empty paint trays for filling, stained now by the yellow.
Whatever it was inside of her that told her Alec had been in her apartment, told her he'd been in this room the longest. Just standing in an empty room, staring at yellow painted walls. What had he seen in the bare walls that was so worth his study? Her anger was fading, no, it was gone, and she was empty, just like the room. A thought burbled; she needed to buy, beg, or borrow two cribs. And the meat in the bag in her entryway needed to go into the fridge.
And suddenly a flare of panic from nowhere. She spun on her heel, back into her own room. Her dresser seemed undisturbed, but she yanked open the top drawer anyway.
It was gone. He'd found it, and he'd taken it.
She slumped; her head connected with the hard wood of her dresser. Her bare fingers convulsed around the edge of the open drawer, and she told herself it didn't matter if he knew. He'd made his choice, and she... she'd made hers.
The ring slid across the table with Alec's hard question still ringing in the air. Joshua frowned.
"Logan's ring." It was a statement; Joshua must have recognized it immediately. But the surprise faded and the taller man stared accusingly at Alec. He ignored that question still hanging darkly in the air. "Why does Alec have Logan's ring?"
It wasn't Logan's ring. It was Max's ring; the diamond that Logan had given her once before, and, apparently, had given her once more. The simple velvet box that it had been in had gotten tossed into the gutter a few streets over as he'd been walking with a purpose, headed towards Command, intent on finding Max. He'd been so focused, so angry, he'd barely felt the curious, sometimes accusing, eyes that watched him as he marched through the city that he'd once helped run... But he'd gotten here, and maybe she wasn't here either, and Joshua was staring at him with hooded, accusing eyes.
Why had he taken the ring? Had he been ready to shout at her accusingly, for hiding her pregnancy from him, and then use the ring and all the ridiculous dreams it represented as the trump card to throw in her face? As proof of her motive maybe; she still wanted her fucking happy ending, and Alec wasn't invited, and the ring seemed to reflect that in every one of its cold, sharp facets.
Despite Joshua's unhappy eyes, Alec reminded himself that it was Joshua that had called Mole, that surely that must mean something. If he was going to get answers from anybody, it would probably be him. "When?" Alec repeated harshly.
"No!" The bark of anger made Alec draw back in surprise, and Josh continued in angry tones. "No, Alec does not get to ask the questions."
Joshua waited, to see if Alec would try to fight him. When he didn't, just stood waiting seemingly patient, obviously impatient, Joshua frowned. "Why does Alec even care if Max marries Logan? You haven't been here."
Alec seemed to shut down a little bit; the spark within him fading. Joshua tried to stoke it, tried to bring Alec back. Tried to wake him up.
Despite the hardeness, his voice almost seemed laced with a soft sense of loss. "Where have you been, Alec?"
Alec didn't take a step back, but he got a little defensive. "I've been in Wyoming." Then added, "And California, and Oregon. I've been everywhere; I've been busy."
Joshua snorted. "Oh, yes, Alec sooo busy. He has all the time in the world for the Zoo, and not a single minute for his family."
His family? Family. The only family he had now was one that he wasn't sure he wanted waiting for him in Gillette. And all of that was eclipsed by-
"The Zoo?"
"The Zoo," Joshua nodded, his eyes still narrowed. "That's what we call your Manticore, here."
Your Manticore.
Something in him, something human, it almost laughed. All those X's back in Wyoming, looking down on those still here; would they still laugh if they knew their home was being called that same term that they themselves threw around so disdainfully. The Zoo. Max had accused him of trying to rebuild Manticore; of putting all the transgenics back in their cages. It wasn't completely accurate, but maybe he had succeeded, anyway.
Your Manticore.
Maybe Gillette and Seattle, maybe they were both zoos, and all the little animals would never really know what it is to be free. Maybe they were all just trapped by their genetics in a world that hated them.
Joshua watched all the dark thoughts that Alec thought he hid so well flicker across his face. The tall transhuman shook his head. Then offered, gently; "You're still a man, Alec."
"I'm a soldier," Alec snapped back immediately, his face hardening. He didn't see Joshua's shoulders fall, ever so slightly; his eyes were scanning Command, hoping for a glimpse of her.
"She's not here. She's at home." Joshua's voice seemed closer. Alec turned, the transhuman was standing before him, dainty ring held outstretched, dwarfed between two oversized fingers. "Don't forget Logan's ring."
"Max's ring." Alec corrected, swiping it from the larger man, before spinning.
Joshua's serious voice split the air just one more time before he could reach the doorway.
"You've disappointed me, Alec."
He paused for only a moment. He glanced over one shoulder, and he didn't deny it. Joshua could see it in his eyes; Alec had disappointed Alec the most. But that's not what Alec's voice said.
"Not as much as Max has disappointed me."
Joshua's brow furrowed in confusion, and Joshua couldn't even ask Alec what he meant by that, because the door was already swinging shut behind him. He wondered, not for the first time, what had happened between them. The story he had from Max was sketchy at best; as angry as she'd been when she'd first come back, he hadn't understood many of the short clipped sentences that didn't seem connected to any other. He couldn't get a coherent story from her, and it seemed so strange that Alec wouldn't come to see her, so he finally just asked, 'Max, did you tell Alec,' one day, when she was in the grips of one of her apathetic phases that she was too shut down to realize was sadness. She'd said yes, but with Alec's anger still lingering in the air, Joshua wondered.
Joshua was struck with an overwhelming urge to lift the both of them by the scruffs of their necks and shake them. Instead he brought a hand to his head and sighed. Confrontation was better than nothing. It was him, after all, that had wrangled the number from Dix, one of the ones Max had suspected of passing tabs onto Alec, and had apparently been right about. It was him that had called the number, expecting to talk to Alec, but ended up talking to Alec's second instead. And what he heard from that side wasn't any better than anything he'd been seeing here. Alec was not Alec and Max was not Max. And Joshua was fairly certain that if not-Max married Logan for the wrong reasons, not-Alec would never be human again. Maybe that's why he'd sent Alec after Max. Maybe he was just tired of being the only one with any sense-
"Was that Alec I just saw?"
Joshua shook his head. "No, Dix. That was not Alec." It was somebody else entirely.