Focus
Today I feel very uneasy. I have started to openly write again here.
I re-read my previous articles but it left me with a sigh. So much has happened!
Last year was a year which for me was focused on two things, my work and C.
Now only my work remains.
C has first hurt me, then, if that was not enough, insulted me and then finally discarded me. I am a tough guy and have been through quite some heavy storms in my life, but one thing I will never understand why C treated me like this. I never did her any harm, I was always supporting and helping her and felt a warm friendship for her.
C has two sides:
A warm, loving and friendly side which I loved, and a cold side which I do not like, in which she is an inconsiderate, calculating and very selfish bitch. I still cannot believe that side is the real C.
I have proven that I can take a heavy punch, also from C., so I did even manage to balance between her two sides. The last half year however regretfully her warm side disappeared completely which made the relationship very difficult for me. Why should I pain myself; I wanted just to have fun with her but on equal footing. That was not the case anymore.
I really tried again beginning of this year. I expressed my feelings and apologized for my mistakes. She did not say one word that she was sorry too! The only reaction was that I was too sensitive.
Anyway, I am not going to go through all of this again. I said goodbye to my negative feelings and left it behind me. I am trying to concentrate on my work and travelling.
My feeling for her has however not disappeared at all!
I still love her and miss her very much!
I wish there was a way to put us half a year back when we both felt happy with the situation. I do not know how to do this but I made a step with Valentine flowers.
I am willing to turn a new page, forget the past and see how we can fix things again.I am however afraid that this is wishful thinking as she probably does not want to make this step.
Sometimes a simple step like an sms can be a too big step! I hope she finds the courage to do so; I think of her and miss every day.
The other part of my life is my work. It is tough now; the pressure is enormous but I can sail in storming weather. I am surviving but the way ahead is very heavy. On top of that the travelling is killing.
But it also helps me to keep focus.