rant and vent and geting it all out.

Jul 10, 2007 11:45

i dont get it
im nice to the one i hate
and awful to the one i love
both hurt me
i hate him and i gave him another chance
is it because i know hell always come back? im just like her! im plaing games with his heart just like she did to me. why am i such a mean person? she walked out on my and i deleted her from my life. i walked out on him. just to keep him around i talk once in a while to him. like she did near the end. why do i do this to myself. i knwo the truth of why i play these games. i know why him and not her. i know. i cant tell myself this because it will hurt way too much.

im off blance and i cant breath. ill pray for it back.

the truth is im scared. of what might happen. if everything he told me or if everything i saw came true. my guid says it wont but what if it does. im scared of the truth and thats why i need him to stay and for her to leave. her leaveing in the long run will heal but him leaving might make things worse.

were have i gone? i dont feel all here. half of me is somewere else and i dont know what to do. maybe isaac is right. something is always wrong with me. i cant let myself feel happy. i always have to find fear or fult or worry. im sick what can i say. the pill doesnt work and i dont know what the world wants. i will say this tho. i do feel more here then i ever had. isaac makes me feel. that emotion u had when ur a child that happeniss that the world was just so amazing. isaac brings it back im safe and beautiful im a good person i smart i have something to offer to the world. he makes me feel that when i never felt that b4. b4 i was unsafe ugly stupid and worthless even tho people told me that i felt like it was somehting they had to say. and with david breakin my heart into 100 little pieces over and over again i really just bealived i was nothing special. i hate him for that. i hate david and have nothing agest hannah. if shes happy and hes happy then w/e let them be because i hate him for hurting me so much. 2 years of it. i want those 2 years of self pitty back. but i was just like david leading him on. hurting him. i was just like her too. closing the door on a friendship she didnt want to deal with. i know those feels of hurt. and yet im just the same. iv hurt everyone iv ever met. i dont want to hurt anymore. its mylast year this year and im not going to hurt anymore. i need to find peace and if i keep hurting and hiding and being scared of something that most likly wont happen i wont be happy.

i pray to u mother to help me.
Previous post Next post
Up