Riding the ZZC
The southbound train at Yonge station was virtually empty when it rolled into the station this morning (a rarity), so there was refreshingly enough room for everyone on the platform to get aboard with room to spare. This did nothing to prevent the woman immediately behind me from repeatedly hitting me in the back when I was apparently failing to board fast enough, attempting to drive me forward like cattle or something. She wasn't hitting me hard enough to hurt me, but she was hitting me, and by the time we got inside, my MAL (Morning Annoyance Level) had gone from Mild (Why Am I Awake?) to Redline (Go Fuck Yourself) in under five seconds.
As I mentioned, there was plenty of room inside the train, but this did not prevent her from getting right in my face and starting to rail at me for slowing her entry into the subway car. She had on a smashing faux leopard fur jacket, a humongous matching pillbox hat, about a gallon of some unknown yet cloying perfume, and safety-pinned to her lapel the piece du resistance for me a small stuffed bear with multi-colored rhinestones glue-gunned all over his body.
I had my earphones on, so much of what she said was lost on me, but I can tell you how the conversation ended, because I only ever said two things to her. Also, God bless the young (early-twenties) couple who was standing beside us for the entire affair, and actually joined in at the end. I had no idea what to say to her that wasn't "Get the fuck away from me, crazy lady", so I just went with what I had.
CRAZY LADY:Ey, bye, you tink you de only one gots be on train? You tink you so much better dan everah body else because you wear a suit??
OUR HERO :[spoken, in a serious tone] You got to whip it up, and hit me like a ton of lead.
CRAZY LADY:...WHAT??
OUR HERO :If I blow my top, will you let it go to your head?
RANDOM GAL:Give him all your loving.
RANDOM GUY:All your hugs and kisses, too.
CRAZY LADY:[Throws up hands and stomps away, shaking head]
RANDOM GAL:[Calling after CRAZY LADY] Give him all your loving!
RANDOM GUY:Don't let up until you're through!
Then the three of us stood around for two stops grinning like idiots and nodding at each other. I am heartened that (a) they were both quick enough to catch what I was doing (maybe they could hear the music from my earphones I have no idea how loud they are to the outside world), and (b) that they knew ZZ Top. Also, I discovered my MAL had dropped all the way to zero, and I actually went up out of the subway with a smile on my face.
Not a bad way to start the day. :-)
As I mentioned, there was plenty of room inside the train, but this did not prevent her from getting right in my face and starting to rail at me for slowing her entry into the subway car. She had on a smashing faux leopard fur jacket, a humongous matching pillbox hat, about a gallon of some unknown yet cloying perfume, and safety-pinned to her lapel the piece du resistance for me a small stuffed bear with multi-colored rhinestones glue-gunned all over his body.
I had my earphones on, so much of what she said was lost on me, but I can tell you how the conversation ended, because I only ever said two things to her. Also, God bless the young (early-twenties) couple who was standing beside us for the entire affair, and actually joined in at the end. I had no idea what to say to her that wasn't "Get the fuck away from me, crazy lady", so I just went with what I had.
CRAZY LADY:Ey, bye, you tink you de only one gots be on train? You tink you so much better dan everah body else because you wear a suit??
OUR HERO :[spoken, in a serious tone] You got to whip it up, and hit me like a ton of lead.
CRAZY LADY:...WHAT??
OUR HERO :If I blow my top, will you let it go to your head?
RANDOM GAL:Give him all your loving.
RANDOM GUY:All your hugs and kisses, too.
CRAZY LADY:[Throws up hands and stomps away, shaking head]
RANDOM GAL:[Calling after CRAZY LADY] Give him all your loving!
RANDOM GUY:Don't let up until you're through!
Then the three of us stood around for two stops grinning like idiots and nodding at each other. I am heartened that (a) they were both quick enough to catch what I was doing (maybe they could hear the music from my earphones I have no idea how loud they are to the outside world), and (b) that they knew ZZ Top. Also, I discovered my MAL had dropped all the way to zero, and I actually went up out of the subway with a smile on my face.
Not a bad way to start the day. :-)