(no subject)
well, i guess it's about time to update this. things are going well. i had an appointment with the dr wednesday and things are going well. we should be able to start trying again in a few weeks. a good thing, and one that does make me feel a bit better, but at the same time, it won't be the same. miscarriages happen in 1 in 5 pregnancies. amazingly common for how little they're talked about. i'd read an article in prevention about a woman who had 7. then today a friend mentioned that her teacher had 9. i just wonder what the horrible, crushing record for miscarriages is. scary.
but i'm sure i'll have a baby and that all will be well. but like i said, it won't be the same. now, when i check the pregnancy test, any feelings of happiness at being pregnant will be tempered with a ton of fear. and, when we go in for an ultrasound, my major emotion will be relief that everything is ok and not the innocent joy that we both had when we went into that examining room last oct 15th.
the things i've been reading about miscarriage have all said that i may feel guilty about it, as if it were my fault. well, that's one feeling i haven't had. i did say 'sorry' to the baby on the way out of the dr's office on the 15th, but i didn't feel guilty. i've seen too many women who have boozed, smoked and drugged their way thru their pregnancies and have had perfectly healthy babies. i did everything right and it didn't work out. that's just the way it is.
when i went in wednesday, as the nurse flipped thru my chart, i noticed that they'd kept the ultrasound picture of the baby. i wanted to ask her for it. just to have something concrete. but i didn't. the nurse said that she'd been thru the same thing. that's one thing that's been a comfort. everyone's been so nice. thankfully no boneheaded comments from anyone who just doesn't understand that it really is a major loss. we'd planned so much already. talked about names, joked about the baby's chinese horoscope - a monkey, heehee. exercise, eating, all those everyday choices have to take the baby into account. everything revolved around the baby and now it's all just gone. no, i never held the baby in my arms, but she was in me and it was amazing. i know that i'm already so blessed to be healthy and to have such a wonderful husband. if that's all i'll ever have, then that's enough and i'll accept it. but i do hope we'll be blessed with a child.
but i'm sure i'll have a baby and that all will be well. but like i said, it won't be the same. now, when i check the pregnancy test, any feelings of happiness at being pregnant will be tempered with a ton of fear. and, when we go in for an ultrasound, my major emotion will be relief that everything is ok and not the innocent joy that we both had when we went into that examining room last oct 15th.
the things i've been reading about miscarriage have all said that i may feel guilty about it, as if it were my fault. well, that's one feeling i haven't had. i did say 'sorry' to the baby on the way out of the dr's office on the 15th, but i didn't feel guilty. i've seen too many women who have boozed, smoked and drugged their way thru their pregnancies and have had perfectly healthy babies. i did everything right and it didn't work out. that's just the way it is.
when i went in wednesday, as the nurse flipped thru my chart, i noticed that they'd kept the ultrasound picture of the baby. i wanted to ask her for it. just to have something concrete. but i didn't. the nurse said that she'd been thru the same thing. that's one thing that's been a comfort. everyone's been so nice. thankfully no boneheaded comments from anyone who just doesn't understand that it really is a major loss. we'd planned so much already. talked about names, joked about the baby's chinese horoscope - a monkey, heehee. exercise, eating, all those everyday choices have to take the baby into account. everything revolved around the baby and now it's all just gone. no, i never held the baby in my arms, but she was in me and it was amazing. i know that i'm already so blessed to be healthy and to have such a wonderful husband. if that's all i'll ever have, then that's enough and i'll accept it. but i do hope we'll be blessed with a child.