[brane] Checking in
Warning - contains discussion of bodies, brains and self-esteem. Feel free to move on.
So, here we are, having a public holiday that still seems a little weird to me. Having spent so many years in Canberra, I tend to associate the Melbourne Cup with a half-arsed day at work that ends with chicken and champagne and a lazy afternoon. While a day off is preferable, I suppose, I kinda miss that. Today involved a nice lazy brunch with friends that extended well into the afternoon. It was wonderful, even if I found myself second guessing how well I was behaving, being received, all that stupid shit. A nap after I got home helped a little with that. Still, it is tiresome being a resident of my brain sometimes.
The personal improvement thing continues to trudge on. While I’m continuing to go to the gym a couple of times a week, I’ve also started trying classes. Mat Pilates was harder than I expected but I got through it. This week I’m giving Reformer a go (which may or may not be harder depending on who I ask). Monday remains my Serious Strength day. I started properly working on my technique, which paid benefits (in that I struggled not to puke walking uphill to the train, which I think means I worked decently hard). Next week, I’m also going to try a recovery class which may help me cope with all the work I’m doing. I dream of swimming, but that’s a level of personal confrontation that I’m not ready for just yet.
Work has officially downgraded me to Minion status this week. On Monday, I got into work at 8am and by 9:30 I had finished my daily allocation. Yup, it’s really that stimulating. I’m going to fill in the time with e-learning and searching for jobs as best I can. I even tried writing, but the atmosphere isn’t really conducive. Plus, you know, it’s work, and I should at least pretend to be engaged. My former minions keep coming to me for advice, which is frustrating at times, but I still like to help. Mostly.
Sometimes, I like the person I am. A couple of times this past week I even found myself liking the person I saw in the mirror, which is most unlike me. I try not to pin my hopes on changing myself dramatically, becoming Thin And Beautiful(tm) and all that soul-destroying stuff. Still, it would be nice to believe in myself, or at least in my potential to be something.
I have been reading a motivational web service (one that sends you emails with stuff to reflect on, tasks to complete and such). This week’s message really got to me. I paraphrase the relevant section below -
You're perfect, just as you are, right now. There's nothing wrong with you. You don't need to change. You don't need to improve. You don't need to fix yourself. You are not broken. You are whole. You are perfect. You are awesome.
This threw me, worse than I expected. I am not perfect, and there is plenty wrong with me. There are many things about me that are broken - I signed up for the damn course to find the motivation to fix the broken stuff. To accept that there’s anything like perfection in what I am... it feels like giving up somehow.
I think that’s why I never jumped on the Fat Acceptance / Health At Every Size cause. I don’t like my body a whole lot, and it lets me down in ways that go beyond the superficial stuff like weight, size and where I wobble. It seems to me that, in order to jump on the wagon, I need to have some kind of peace with what I am, and I don’t have that yet. Hell, I may never have it.
Disclaimer - I may be completely and utterly Getting It Wrong here. This is in no way a judgement or an indictment of anyone who has embraced HAES. I also have the unabashed privilege of being a reasonably educated and well-off male, which helps no end, to be sure. This is about my journey and nothing else. Am I being clear? I hope so.
Bleagh. So, am I wrong for not wanting to give myself a hug and call myself a special snowflake / unicorn / whatfuckingever? I’m trying every day to find the motivation to make myself better than I am; and while that doesn’t seem to be enough for the rest of the world, for now it keeps me going. If that’s not enough for you to care, feel free to stop reading.
So, here we are, having a public holiday that still seems a little weird to me. Having spent so many years in Canberra, I tend to associate the Melbourne Cup with a half-arsed day at work that ends with chicken and champagne and a lazy afternoon. While a day off is preferable, I suppose, I kinda miss that. Today involved a nice lazy brunch with friends that extended well into the afternoon. It was wonderful, even if I found myself second guessing how well I was behaving, being received, all that stupid shit. A nap after I got home helped a little with that. Still, it is tiresome being a resident of my brain sometimes.
The personal improvement thing continues to trudge on. While I’m continuing to go to the gym a couple of times a week, I’ve also started trying classes. Mat Pilates was harder than I expected but I got through it. This week I’m giving Reformer a go (which may or may not be harder depending on who I ask). Monday remains my Serious Strength day. I started properly working on my technique, which paid benefits (in that I struggled not to puke walking uphill to the train, which I think means I worked decently hard). Next week, I’m also going to try a recovery class which may help me cope with all the work I’m doing. I dream of swimming, but that’s a level of personal confrontation that I’m not ready for just yet.
Work has officially downgraded me to Minion status this week. On Monday, I got into work at 8am and by 9:30 I had finished my daily allocation. Yup, it’s really that stimulating. I’m going to fill in the time with e-learning and searching for jobs as best I can. I even tried writing, but the atmosphere isn’t really conducive. Plus, you know, it’s work, and I should at least pretend to be engaged. My former minions keep coming to me for advice, which is frustrating at times, but I still like to help. Mostly.
Sometimes, I like the person I am. A couple of times this past week I even found myself liking the person I saw in the mirror, which is most unlike me. I try not to pin my hopes on changing myself dramatically, becoming Thin And Beautiful(tm) and all that soul-destroying stuff. Still, it would be nice to believe in myself, or at least in my potential to be something.
I have been reading a motivational web service (one that sends you emails with stuff to reflect on, tasks to complete and such). This week’s message really got to me. I paraphrase the relevant section below -
You're perfect, just as you are, right now. There's nothing wrong with you. You don't need to change. You don't need to improve. You don't need to fix yourself. You are not broken. You are whole. You are perfect. You are awesome.
This threw me, worse than I expected. I am not perfect, and there is plenty wrong with me. There are many things about me that are broken - I signed up for the damn course to find the motivation to fix the broken stuff. To accept that there’s anything like perfection in what I am... it feels like giving up somehow.
I think that’s why I never jumped on the Fat Acceptance / Health At Every Size cause. I don’t like my body a whole lot, and it lets me down in ways that go beyond the superficial stuff like weight, size and where I wobble. It seems to me that, in order to jump on the wagon, I need to have some kind of peace with what I am, and I don’t have that yet. Hell, I may never have it.
Disclaimer - I may be completely and utterly Getting It Wrong here. This is in no way a judgement or an indictment of anyone who has embraced HAES. I also have the unabashed privilege of being a reasonably educated and well-off male, which helps no end, to be sure. This is about my journey and nothing else. Am I being clear? I hope so.
Bleagh. So, am I wrong for not wanting to give myself a hug and call myself a special snowflake / unicorn / whatfuckingever? I’m trying every day to find the motivation to make myself better than I am; and while that doesn’t seem to be enough for the rest of the world, for now it keeps me going. If that’s not enough for you to care, feel free to stop reading.