A Letter Written - to - a Stranger - in Hopes to Know You - Connections ~
~I have difficulty believing -
traits are born -
detached - I struggle to see -
yet - strangely -
I've been becoming -
more of a believer -
maybe by the time I'm 80 -
I'll arrive -
slowly blooming -
you know - some do -
I had an aunt at 40+ something -
that went back to school -
she was a writer -
a singer who couldn't sing a note - rather a croak -
the point? - "she did it" -
I was so dang proud of her -
proud - as a teenage young girl -
that I had such an eccentric aunt -
even then - and imagine teenage-hood -
I felt this pride at the unusual -
this gal -?
a favorite -
"the" favorite -
boy oh boy - I could write the prose of long limbed line -
of my relations -
like paint a tree - of branches -
then each twig, leaf, creak ....
would be another one -
fantastic -
a little awkward - to write down such things -
for the living -
along with dead ones -
may be listening -
~Now, what runs through - handed down - pumping blue
at times, I'm - overloaded -
- this pulse that is - my personal vein -
have I spoken to you - of interesting neurology ...?
I think I've mentioned -
why on earth do you think I've connected with you -
this normal, subtle - woman sitting -
reaching out like screaming - ...me.
~ and then ......I think of another - relative - (ha! ~ be warned! ~ I'm full - I carry - specks of off-shoot stories ...)
a character - much older -
like an older uncle - yet my cousin -
a high and mighty brainy fellow -
he loved to rouge his cheek and saunter -
round the airport dressed - a flaunting damsel -
he told me once -
a promise given -
to his mother -
that he would quit -
hanging out - soliciting
near the escalator -
kinda felt for him
he missed it.
A family can be looked at - as strange -
small town gossip - from (the) brains, tight, uncomfortable with and their difference -
one brother - told me - one day -
when I had grown to a teen age year -
with a mind of my own - in a sort of way -
like beginning - to move - a little distance from - the only that I'd known -
he said - do you not know of the strange that we are ...?
I said nothing - for some time - listened - his perception -
realizing that it was mine - (I take too much from others - making this my own - I wonder - what is me ...?)
when you hold these things (all of us), these thoughts in mind -
not speaking - explanations -
you don't realize -
how true you feel -
until you speak -
...I had held my depth of feelings -
always inside -
pretty good at it still -
but to hear his words -
comparing -
they stunned -
reality -
I remember wishing - again a child - so I could hide -
And saying this -
we are a family -
like many - on street - that pass you by -
the variations -
in that group of farmers -
that wandered, struggled, worked their fingers bare to blood bone -
I'm sure of it -
there is no denying -
that many - that toiled
had stunning minds -
strange and loopy -
twists that they would hide -
the poet, the art, the way they plowed a field -
the way of their seeing -
kept inside -
some may have come home to a table of dinner -
and spoken to their wives -
some - held, like struggle
became pain -
for lack of release -
how they saw the season -
the falling leaf -
the repetition -
how the soil tumbled -
line after line -
row after row -
this soil - the tiny particles -
held high upon a point of pushing -
one grain to and toward another -
to make a peek, of sorts - a row
and still -
the soil tumbles -
Van Gogh saw it in the night skies - swirls -
so have I -
intensely when I'd eaten magic mushrooms -
my thumbprint - (it was my own) vibrated in the black sky
so very much like the northern lights of aurora borealis - that throb
every way I turned my vision -
the pulse continued -
looking down at my own index -
chubby digit thumbs are clumsy -
oh - but no - so beautiful -
and yeah, I get it - I was high -
but still appearing - yes, still -
this round and round -
a spiral moving -
relations -
like that dream - reoccurring
as a nightmare -
as a child -
(Ohhhhhhhhhh - I could really go off on that one! That dream! -
I have two sons - both resemble me and they are their selves completely -
one - used to - and I believe still - has/had this same configuration of a night sweat dream -
he used to tell me - I shivered at the memory - I wished complete protection - for I am a mother - in this way -
how could I let him whimper - dreaming this - terrible rotation -
it comes rarely - like death - but you keep living - feeling suffocation - really, it's quite crummy -
I used to jump out of my bed - as a little girl - and this movement was a big deal -
for if you could only understand - the danger - that lies beneath - a bed -
you'd know that little gal was mighty serious - to do such action - with bare feet - only a gown - revealing, long tender stretch of naked leg -
jump - hardly enough a distance - to escape -
in hopes to shake the drone - of scare - dreams, frightening -
yet she braved -
through this half awake - state - that took stomp - back and forth of tromp -
like passion to shake her brain, to shake her brain - clear -
it took great length of hall and lonely room time - and all the time, in fear - which? - which one was the greater - danger here- ?
~ Oh - no comparison - I'd give my ankles - blood let them seep to stain that floor -
for that darkness of the spiral reaching heights of no existence - night sky - round and round - giant drum -
slow motion thrum of - don't know - what it was -
numbers do not go that high - if I were to try - and yes - this dream was tempting -
as if on purpose - tease - "do this - do this" - but I knew this - would be death - of something - that was me -
this information was as clear - much of what made up the fear - who was this beating me?
~ ~ ~ was this worse than the jump from the bed ...?
For if he were awake - that green and toothy alligator - residing neath her bed -
~ Ha! don't laugh there buddy!!! he was mighty real - in that mind - biting at her heels -
and this - where does it come from - ?
~if a child feels -
truly safe -
no damage to their tender -
would they live a childhood free -
from alligator -
or -
rotating dreams - ????
Do you see that I am using you -
for practicing -
to lack my lonely -
for this is far above alone -
to stand - telling - pieces - of who I am -
One someone - out there - this fellow, told me pleasure -
he spoke - of words -
my writing -
not many - only two now - have said such complementing .....that I do -
could it be - that another - could understand this rhythm spill - like telling - parts - that scatter - as I try, like strain - to gain - a notion of collection - ?
no ones every told me -
this manner of seduction - endearing, critique - I stood so proudly -
now wait a minute -
Now this is not the truth -
my mother did -
my mother now is dead -
I loved that gal -
one of those angels -
wings must have hid -
under something -
what was she wearing ...?
she said -
"C" - you are a writer -
I rolled my eyes -
she was my mother -
Long gone -
I wish she could see -
my sons -
I wish she could listen -
read -
the words I've said - I've written - sung -
even the stronger ones - thoughts of cruel -
she'd maybe cry -
but some old women -
they've kept growing -
she was one -
accepting my unique
being it herself -
and dealing - staying - with a husband -
as far as out - as one far out could handle -
and he, also - I loved -
we all -
a family -
hand in hand -
are still staggering strangely, proudly -
glorious off spring -
people do go on - rotating -
they make babies -
that walk the same - partial steps - in sort - resemble -
~some - in the view of others -
strange -
and they are some of the handsomest ones -
bright -
beautiful creatures -
beautifully creative -
music makers -
painters -
lovers -
mix of quiet - and the word not stopping -
I'm proud -
years went by of shame -
I am my fathers daughter -
my mothers eyes - her hands stuck - permanent - at the ends of my arms - visible as I reach -
the longer my years - the closer the look -
and boy, I can tell you it's strange and it's lovely -
I'm only beginning -
I wish for a smooth face
for I'm only beginning
and just think -
if once again beautiful
the world twould be mine -
and this kind of a circle -
is nuts
cause -
it keeps on repeating
I'd think the same thing
ten, more years, ten more
at discovery
oh - if only - was I young ~ ~ ~
I sat for a moment - still -
thinking what I would write to you next -
I'm a funny one -
you tell me such niceties -
dang - nobody does that -
I think -
here alone -
I am little -
others have told me -
-
I come home -
I think - I am little
meaning - not really much of anything -
it's learned - you see -
are you up on the psychology -
of repetition -
in a family ...?
~there I go again - ....so sorry :>)
my circles - they are round -
I'll start over what I was saying - ?
I began - ...wanting to respond to your letter -
and here I begin with my telling and telling -
it's common -
it's kinda the way it wells, rising, falling - forth -
I am speaking -
You flatter me
and I wonder -
how to do such a thing - ?
publish - in partial -
no clue.
sometimes I think I need an editor - quite sure -
is that the right word?
-do you know an editor -
for those stuck in closets?
I have a talent for - more than one thing -
I sing -
with saying that -
I'm revealing -
and you I do not know you -
yet you -
so like me - ........kinda ~ :>)
came to this page -
you could be like me in - let's say - -
safely -
but I happen to know this of me -
and you do not know me - so how could you know -
and I do not know you
and how could I ?
either of us ...?
And was I -
heading toward, - making a point?
I think so.
Let me think?
hmmmmmmmmmm?
On yes - my talent -
you know -
I've known for years - "unique" -
when I used to sing -
a pin dropped -
quietly -
like heard around the world - crash -
even the drunk guys in the back -
listening -
the Harley rowdies - in my youth
they cheered -
grinned at me -
(very polite guys)
when you stand up on a stage -
you stand apart - in a sense
yet others come toward believing - that they know you -
close to you -
and this I love - in return - caressing strangers -
I need the space - I need the closeness -
and mostly, you see -
I yearn to sing -
to write a song and sing -
~ again and again -
I am a stammer in life
inertia -
stuck -
it's this lack of organization
stacks of stacks of stacks - my mind -
so much so - that I do not move forward -
but for someone -
for me -
to let someone
see me -
in a way -
like read my words - then listening -
I feel that I can breathe -
my chest loosens -
a little more ''me'' -
when I am seen.
A while back - I spoke of a closet.
The stage -
I'm shy off of - yet no nervous overwhelming - stepping up to -
rush? yes - like adrenaline pumping -
this is normal -
gets one going -
then when there -
upstanding - instead of hiding -
I feel - .....?
dang - I don't know - .... I guess - ?
like I'm me -
yet watching -
~ I sing -
this is what I'm meant to be - - -
when I was younger
I sang the funky stage of Austin town -
all around -
oh yes, we were the funky of back then -
I was a little hippie girl -
still am -
tho you can't see -
I'm covered up with years -
evolved - I guess
different pieces -
again - I sense rotation - spirals -
like the clothing that I wore back then -
the young girls - they are wearing them -
again -
so fun to see -
....do you see - ? that i am simply talking -
tapping on these keys - ?
I'd better knock it off -
try - - - to fall - toward resting -
there is this nite owl -
vastly - part of me -
that has a brain -
that cannot simply go to sleep ~
tap, tap - rotation - this stream of constant - visitation -
like a circle from a depth - some kind of belly loom -
inside giant room - full -
in hopes -
if only to stand in front of you -
a throat, a tongue - a movement, toward -
an opening -
sings - escaping ~
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
traits are born -
detached - I struggle to see -
yet - strangely -
I've been becoming -
more of a believer -
maybe by the time I'm 80 -
I'll arrive -
slowly blooming -
you know - some do -
I had an aunt at 40+ something -
that went back to school -
she was a writer -
a singer who couldn't sing a note - rather a croak -
the point? - "she did it" -
I was so dang proud of her -
proud - as a teenage young girl -
that I had such an eccentric aunt -
even then - and imagine teenage-hood -
I felt this pride at the unusual -
this gal -?
a favorite -
"the" favorite -
boy oh boy - I could write the prose of long limbed line -
of my relations -
like paint a tree - of branches -
then each twig, leaf, creak ....
would be another one -
fantastic -
a little awkward - to write down such things -
for the living -
along with dead ones -
may be listening -
~Now, what runs through - handed down - pumping blue
at times, I'm - overloaded -
- this pulse that is - my personal vein -
have I spoken to you - of interesting neurology ...?
I think I've mentioned -
why on earth do you think I've connected with you -
this normal, subtle - woman sitting -
reaching out like screaming - ...me.
~ and then ......I think of another - relative - (ha! ~ be warned! ~ I'm full - I carry - specks of off-shoot stories ...)
a character - much older -
like an older uncle - yet my cousin -
a high and mighty brainy fellow -
he loved to rouge his cheek and saunter -
round the airport dressed - a flaunting damsel -
he told me once -
a promise given -
to his mother -
that he would quit -
hanging out - soliciting
near the escalator -
kinda felt for him
he missed it.
A family can be looked at - as strange -
small town gossip - from (the) brains, tight, uncomfortable with and their difference -
one brother - told me - one day -
when I had grown to a teen age year -
with a mind of my own - in a sort of way -
like beginning - to move - a little distance from - the only that I'd known -
he said - do you not know of the strange that we are ...?
I said nothing - for some time - listened - his perception -
realizing that it was mine - (I take too much from others - making this my own - I wonder - what is me ...?)
when you hold these things (all of us), these thoughts in mind -
not speaking - explanations -
you don't realize -
how true you feel -
until you speak -
...I had held my depth of feelings -
always inside -
pretty good at it still -
but to hear his words -
comparing -
they stunned -
reality -
I remember wishing - again a child - so I could hide -
And saying this -
we are a family -
like many - on street - that pass you by -
the variations -
in that group of farmers -
that wandered, struggled, worked their fingers bare to blood bone -
I'm sure of it -
there is no denying -
that many - that toiled
had stunning minds -
strange and loopy -
twists that they would hide -
the poet, the art, the way they plowed a field -
the way of their seeing -
kept inside -
some may have come home to a table of dinner -
and spoken to their wives -
some - held, like struggle
became pain -
for lack of release -
how they saw the season -
the falling leaf -
the repetition -
how the soil tumbled -
line after line -
row after row -
this soil - the tiny particles -
held high upon a point of pushing -
one grain to and toward another -
to make a peek, of sorts - a row
and still -
the soil tumbles -
Van Gogh saw it in the night skies - swirls -
so have I -
intensely when I'd eaten magic mushrooms -
my thumbprint - (it was my own) vibrated in the black sky
so very much like the northern lights of aurora borealis - that throb
every way I turned my vision -
the pulse continued -
looking down at my own index -
chubby digit thumbs are clumsy -
oh - but no - so beautiful -
and yeah, I get it - I was high -
but still appearing - yes, still -
this round and round -
a spiral moving -
relations -
like that dream - reoccurring
as a nightmare -
as a child -
(Ohhhhhhhhhh - I could really go off on that one! That dream! -
I have two sons - both resemble me and they are their selves completely -
one - used to - and I believe still - has/had this same configuration of a night sweat dream -
he used to tell me - I shivered at the memory - I wished complete protection - for I am a mother - in this way -
how could I let him whimper - dreaming this - terrible rotation -
it comes rarely - like death - but you keep living - feeling suffocation - really, it's quite crummy -
I used to jump out of my bed - as a little girl - and this movement was a big deal -
for if you could only understand - the danger - that lies beneath - a bed -
you'd know that little gal was mighty serious - to do such action - with bare feet - only a gown - revealing, long tender stretch of naked leg -
jump - hardly enough a distance - to escape -
in hopes to shake the drone - of scare - dreams, frightening -
yet she braved -
through this half awake - state - that took stomp - back and forth of tromp -
like passion to shake her brain, to shake her brain - clear -
it took great length of hall and lonely room time - and all the time, in fear - which? - which one was the greater - danger here- ?
~ Oh - no comparison - I'd give my ankles - blood let them seep to stain that floor -
for that darkness of the spiral reaching heights of no existence - night sky - round and round - giant drum -
slow motion thrum of - don't know - what it was -
numbers do not go that high - if I were to try - and yes - this dream was tempting -
as if on purpose - tease - "do this - do this" - but I knew this - would be death - of something - that was me -
this information was as clear - much of what made up the fear - who was this beating me?
~ ~ ~ was this worse than the jump from the bed ...?
For if he were awake - that green and toothy alligator - residing neath her bed -
~ Ha! don't laugh there buddy!!! he was mighty real - in that mind - biting at her heels -
and this - where does it come from - ?
~if a child feels -
truly safe -
no damage to their tender -
would they live a childhood free -
from alligator -
or -
rotating dreams - ????
Do you see that I am using you -
for practicing -
to lack my lonely -
for this is far above alone -
to stand - telling - pieces - of who I am -
One someone - out there - this fellow, told me pleasure -
he spoke - of words -
my writing -
not many - only two now - have said such complementing .....that I do -
could it be - that another - could understand this rhythm spill - like telling - parts - that scatter - as I try, like strain - to gain - a notion of collection - ?
no ones every told me -
this manner of seduction - endearing, critique - I stood so proudly -
now wait a minute -
Now this is not the truth -
my mother did -
my mother now is dead -
I loved that gal -
one of those angels -
wings must have hid -
under something -
what was she wearing ...?
she said -
"C" - you are a writer -
I rolled my eyes -
she was my mother -
Long gone -
I wish she could see -
my sons -
I wish she could listen -
read -
the words I've said - I've written - sung -
even the stronger ones - thoughts of cruel -
she'd maybe cry -
but some old women -
they've kept growing -
she was one -
accepting my unique
being it herself -
and dealing - staying - with a husband -
as far as out - as one far out could handle -
and he, also - I loved -
we all -
a family -
hand in hand -
are still staggering strangely, proudly -
glorious off spring -
people do go on - rotating -
they make babies -
that walk the same - partial steps - in sort - resemble -
~some - in the view of others -
strange -
and they are some of the handsomest ones -
bright -
beautiful creatures -
beautifully creative -
music makers -
painters -
lovers -
mix of quiet - and the word not stopping -
I'm proud -
years went by of shame -
I am my fathers daughter -
my mothers eyes - her hands stuck - permanent - at the ends of my arms - visible as I reach -
the longer my years - the closer the look -
and boy, I can tell you it's strange and it's lovely -
I'm only beginning -
I wish for a smooth face
for I'm only beginning
and just think -
if once again beautiful
the world twould be mine -
and this kind of a circle -
is nuts
cause -
it keeps on repeating
I'd think the same thing
ten, more years, ten more
at discovery
oh - if only - was I young ~ ~ ~
I sat for a moment - still -
thinking what I would write to you next -
I'm a funny one -
you tell me such niceties -
dang - nobody does that -
I think -
here alone -
I am little -
others have told me -
-
I come home -
I think - I am little
meaning - not really much of anything -
it's learned - you see -
are you up on the psychology -
of repetition -
in a family ...?
~there I go again - ....so sorry :>)
my circles - they are round -
I'll start over what I was saying - ?
I began - ...wanting to respond to your letter -
and here I begin with my telling and telling -
it's common -
it's kinda the way it wells, rising, falling - forth -
I am speaking -
You flatter me
and I wonder -
how to do such a thing - ?
publish - in partial -
no clue.
sometimes I think I need an editor - quite sure -
is that the right word?
-do you know an editor -
for those stuck in closets?
I have a talent for - more than one thing -
I sing -
with saying that -
I'm revealing -
and you I do not know you -
yet you -
so like me - ........kinda ~ :>)
came to this page -
you could be like me in - let's say - -
safely -
but I happen to know this of me -
and you do not know me - so how could you know -
and I do not know you
and how could I ?
either of us ...?
And was I -
heading toward, - making a point?
I think so.
Let me think?
hmmmmmmmmmm?
On yes - my talent -
you know -
I've known for years - "unique" -
when I used to sing -
a pin dropped -
quietly -
like heard around the world - crash -
even the drunk guys in the back -
listening -
the Harley rowdies - in my youth
they cheered -
grinned at me -
(very polite guys)
when you stand up on a stage -
you stand apart - in a sense
yet others come toward believing - that they know you -
close to you -
and this I love - in return - caressing strangers -
I need the space - I need the closeness -
and mostly, you see -
I yearn to sing -
to write a song and sing -
~ again and again -
I am a stammer in life
inertia -
stuck -
it's this lack of organization
stacks of stacks of stacks - my mind -
so much so - that I do not move forward -
but for someone -
for me -
to let someone
see me -
in a way -
like read my words - then listening -
I feel that I can breathe -
my chest loosens -
a little more ''me'' -
when I am seen.
A while back - I spoke of a closet.
The stage -
I'm shy off of - yet no nervous overwhelming - stepping up to -
rush? yes - like adrenaline pumping -
this is normal -
gets one going -
then when there -
upstanding - instead of hiding -
I feel - .....?
dang - I don't know - .... I guess - ?
like I'm me -
yet watching -
~ I sing -
this is what I'm meant to be - - -
when I was younger
I sang the funky stage of Austin town -
all around -
oh yes, we were the funky of back then -
I was a little hippie girl -
still am -
tho you can't see -
I'm covered up with years -
evolved - I guess
different pieces -
again - I sense rotation - spirals -
like the clothing that I wore back then -
the young girls - they are wearing them -
again -
so fun to see -
....do you see - ? that i am simply talking -
tapping on these keys - ?
I'd better knock it off -
try - - - to fall - toward resting -
there is this nite owl -
vastly - part of me -
that has a brain -
that cannot simply go to sleep ~
tap, tap - rotation - this stream of constant - visitation -
like a circle from a depth - some kind of belly loom -
inside giant room - full -
in hopes -
if only to stand in front of you -
a throat, a tongue - a movement, toward -
an opening -
sings - escaping ~
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>