(no subject)
Thanks so much to everyone who has written so far, your support means so much to me. I feel so empty right now... and every time I hear the YIM "ding" that I've got a new message, I come running to see if it is one of you. So thank you.
I'm a complete basket case right now. I feel very lucky to have such a wonderful family and friends to support me. After much thought and discussion with family & friends.... I DO think I'm going to go to BF after all, because K & T have promised me that they can manage me, even though I'm a stark raving lunatic, and because they are going to help me out financially. Trouble's care totally cleaned us out, we have NOTHING left, no room on a single credit card or anything. But I wouldn't change if I had the chance - I would NOT go back and let Dennis just put him down in the yard without taking him to Shirley and at least TRYING.
You know, yesterday I said the reality of it was starting to hit me... but then again no, it didn't really. I still look out there and look for him. I still open his bucket of joint supplement when we do chores. Going through the pictures that I have so far has been both good and bad. I have hundreds more at home that I need to sift through, look at, scan in, frame, and all that stuff.
I'm really lucky to have my dogs. They cuddle me at night and even in the day. They know I don't feel good and so they come snuggle me to try to comfort me. I try very hard to remember that it could always be worse. I do still have Pearl for one thing. But knowing that it could be worse doesn't really make it hurt any less.
I don't believe that when we die, we simply cease to exist. I don't think that just because I can't see him anymore means that he is gone. I do believe I'll see him again one day, and I can only hope that he is somewhere in a lush pasture with Honky and Geronimo talking about how lucky they were to have me as their owner, and how much they are looking forward to the day when I arrive. I hope Trouble is telling them all about his best friend JR, and how much they will like him when he arrives. I hope that no pain exists in this place, that the suffering has permanently ended for them all. I hope Trouble tells Honky and Geronimo how much I miss them every day, and how I would tell him stories about them. I hope they share stories of our victories. I hope they play together. I hope they miss me. Most of all, I hope I'm right in believing that death of the body doesn't mean a soul ceases to be.
I'm just so empty. I had big plans to ride him at our MN State Champ Show next month, I was very excited for that. At the SDSC show I was happy with Pearl, but I really missed the speed, the sheer competition, the winning, that kind of stuff. My dad said "I know this doesn't mean much to you, but you can have JR." I just lost it. That is one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me. JR is a great horse, and he's very competitive in the show ring. I raised him & trained him, but we just didn't "click." He clicked with Jim, and so became Jim's horse. JR is the reason that Jim shows, and they both really enjoy it. If we go to another show this year, I might ride JR in a couple of classes, just to enjoy going fast again, but I'd NEVER take him from Jim.
Surprisingly enough, I ate last night. Mom came home from work as early as she could and spent time with me. That really helped a lot, it's much harder to be alone. She asked if I wanted to run in to town with her to pick up something for dinner, and I told her no. I was totally listless, and I told her I wasn't eating anyway. She bought fresh local sweet corn and made BBQ pork chops and it was SO FRICKEN GOOD.... I'm so glad she knew that I would be hungry when I smelled food and made enough for me too. It was easily one of the best meals I've ever had.
Anyway. I ought to get going. I need to head back to Sioux Falls today, and with no AC in my truck, earlier is better than later.
I'm a complete basket case right now. I feel very lucky to have such a wonderful family and friends to support me. After much thought and discussion with family & friends.... I DO think I'm going to go to BF after all, because K & T have promised me that they can manage me, even though I'm a stark raving lunatic, and because they are going to help me out financially. Trouble's care totally cleaned us out, we have NOTHING left, no room on a single credit card or anything. But I wouldn't change if I had the chance - I would NOT go back and let Dennis just put him down in the yard without taking him to Shirley and at least TRYING.
You know, yesterday I said the reality of it was starting to hit me... but then again no, it didn't really. I still look out there and look for him. I still open his bucket of joint supplement when we do chores. Going through the pictures that I have so far has been both good and bad. I have hundreds more at home that I need to sift through, look at, scan in, frame, and all that stuff.
I'm really lucky to have my dogs. They cuddle me at night and even in the day. They know I don't feel good and so they come snuggle me to try to comfort me. I try very hard to remember that it could always be worse. I do still have Pearl for one thing. But knowing that it could be worse doesn't really make it hurt any less.
I don't believe that when we die, we simply cease to exist. I don't think that just because I can't see him anymore means that he is gone. I do believe I'll see him again one day, and I can only hope that he is somewhere in a lush pasture with Honky and Geronimo talking about how lucky they were to have me as their owner, and how much they are looking forward to the day when I arrive. I hope Trouble is telling them all about his best friend JR, and how much they will like him when he arrives. I hope that no pain exists in this place, that the suffering has permanently ended for them all. I hope Trouble tells Honky and Geronimo how much I miss them every day, and how I would tell him stories about them. I hope they share stories of our victories. I hope they play together. I hope they miss me. Most of all, I hope I'm right in believing that death of the body doesn't mean a soul ceases to be.
I'm just so empty. I had big plans to ride him at our MN State Champ Show next month, I was very excited for that. At the SDSC show I was happy with Pearl, but I really missed the speed, the sheer competition, the winning, that kind of stuff. My dad said "I know this doesn't mean much to you, but you can have JR." I just lost it. That is one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me. JR is a great horse, and he's very competitive in the show ring. I raised him & trained him, but we just didn't "click." He clicked with Jim, and so became Jim's horse. JR is the reason that Jim shows, and they both really enjoy it. If we go to another show this year, I might ride JR in a couple of classes, just to enjoy going fast again, but I'd NEVER take him from Jim.
Surprisingly enough, I ate last night. Mom came home from work as early as she could and spent time with me. That really helped a lot, it's much harder to be alone. She asked if I wanted to run in to town with her to pick up something for dinner, and I told her no. I was totally listless, and I told her I wasn't eating anyway. She bought fresh local sweet corn and made BBQ pork chops and it was SO FRICKEN GOOD.... I'm so glad she knew that I would be hungry when I smelled food and made enough for me too. It was easily one of the best meals I've ever had.
Anyway. I ought to get going. I need to head back to Sioux Falls today, and with no AC in my truck, earlier is better than later.