An excerpt from the fic I'm not supposed to be, but am, writing now.
Ahem. Right. Well, I started this fic before the 6th HP book came out and then didn't do anything with it. It's coming along. The premise is sort of a Quantum Leap type thing with Snape, where I put him in all sorts of fandom cliche scenarios. I'm not going to officially post any of it until the fic is completed, but here's the most recent chapter. :D
Chapter Five: Harry’s Real Father! Snape (or, Will A Teacher’s Pension Cover A Permanent Room At St. Mungo’s?)
“I hate you!” the voice shouted at me.
It was Hogwarts at night. We were both standing on the Astronomy Tower. The darkness had washed everything in the tower in various shades of grey, but not enough for me to tell who exactly was doing the yelling.
Looking down, it was obvious that I was still my normal self. Still, it was also rather painfully obvious that I had leaped yet again. The best thing to do was to simply wait. Silence would serve me until I could figure out exactly why this person hated me so. It was impossible for me to withhold a snort at that point, but I couldn’t help but to do so. Considering that most people hate me, it wasn’t a very helpful statement all in all. The voice was male and likely a student, and a very belligerent student at that. It was enough to go on for the moment, I decided.
“How very unoriginal. Ten points from…”
I stopped speaking abruptly. I didn’t know the miscreant’s house. But then I hit gold as the glint of glasses and messy hair came into full view of the moon glow.
Potter! My lip curled into a sneer. I swear that it’s a natural response that simply can’t be helped at times.
“Gryffindor,” I finished saying smugly. “And detention. Oh, I’ll see you expelled from this school yet, boy.”
He spluttered indignantly. I have to say that seeing the Potter brat so discomfitted really put me over the moon. I smirked.
“See! This is exactly what I’m talking about! Finding out you’re my father is bad enough, but you just have to be so godawful about it, don’t you, you greasy git? Did you rape her? That’s all I want to know!”
Oh, no way. No way in hell. Albus chose to put in his appearance right then and began chuckling madly.
“Ooh hoo! Ah, hmm, it appears that here you are Harry’s biological father, Severus! What a wonderful opportunity to get to know the boy on a whole new level.”
“No.” I was talking to Albus. There was no way that I was going to participate in this little fake charade any further. I would not deal with pretending to be Harry Potter’s father.
I turned to Albus and looked his transparent codgerly self in the eyes. “ Albus, help me.”
Albus merely shook his head ruefully.
“Ah, Severus! You can’t move on until you connect with the people involved in the scenario in a realistic fashion. Just like before. Why is this so different?”
I gave him a look. This was Potter, of course it was different. I was very frustrated.
“Aberforth set this up so you could work through any issues. The idea was to stretch yourself. Try on new personas. You must have more issues than I did.” Albus had a smug look on his face.
I growled. Albus blinked out of sight.
Potter looked scared.
“Well, that’s a relief then. I’m glad you didn’t rape my mum. But I still can’t understand how she could have…” The boy trailed off.
I smirked again. “Had sex with me?” I supplied for him.
The boy looked green. This would prove to be a bit fun after all.
“Er.”
“Well, I suppose they have you under some sort of anti-Snape glamour, eh? To look like that pompous git, I imagine.”
Potter’s eyes widened comically. I don’t think the boy had considered it before. I live to dash his hopes, after all. It’s what I do.
“No.” He whispered. “I can’t look like you.”
“Hmm. If you say so, boy,” I said while looking him over.
He was looking pretty well horrified. I should have been offended, but I’m under no delusions as to my looks.
“I suppose you’ll want to take my name now and live happily ever after at Snape Manor?” I asked lightly.
“Snape Manor? Your name?” Potter looked so lost.
“A little place I like to call Spinner’s End. It’s been in the family for two whole generations. I’m sure you’ll love what I’ve done to the place. You’ve seen my office.”
Potter winced.
“Well, I want to make everything up to you, Harry. Especially, seeing as I’ve misjudged you and everything based on who I thought your father was. I’ll get counseling. We’ll get counseling. You, me, and Draco. We’ll all bond and get over our issues together. My godson will have to get to know his new brother.”
Potter blinked owlishly.
“Draco?”
“Malfoy. He’s my godson.”
Potter never missed a beat.
“Only if we include Remus. I told him he’d always have a place to crash as soon as I was well rid of the Dursleys.”
Oh, the boy was good. Perhaps he could have been my son after all. His look was too innocent not to be contrived.
“Yes, I’ve needed a new guinea pig for all of my new and very dangerous wolfsbane experiments. They could very easily kill him, but I know he won’t mind if it’s for a good cause. He’s very noble and self-sacrificing like that. I’ve always admired that about Gryffindors.”
“Ron was wanting to spend the summer with me for a change. The twins mentioned they’d drop by too.”
“Wouldn’t dream of being inhospitable. I could help out their business with a few brews of my own. I know how you all love trying out new products.”
Harry gulped.
“And Hermione. She wanted to come over a lot too. I’m sure she’ll love seeing all your books. Asking you questions…”
Now, I had to admit. That was almost too much. Threatening me with Granger.
I smirked. “I have just the book for your bibliophile friend.”
Harry backed away from me just a bit.
“Well, I was kind of thinking that maybe we’d just, you know, have more of a letter correspondence thing going on for the summers. I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you sir.”
I knew he’d break first.
“Nonsense! I won’t have any boy of mine not living with me and not taking on the venerable Snape name. I’ll get started on that anti-glamour potion for you right away.”
I made to move.
“No!” Potter yelled desperately. “Let’s not be so hasty, Professor. I mean, you’re busy, I’m busy. No need to rush into this whole family thing.”
“But you need a father figure, Harry.”
“Need is a bit strong of a word, don’t you think? I’ve had plenty of healthy male role models in my life.”
“Are you in denial? Harry. I am your father. Join me.” I held out my hand to him. I’d seen Star Wars once a long time ago. This was perfect.
The boy scrunched his face up and wailed. “No! You’re not my father!”
“You know it to be true.”
Potter stopped as if he’d just realized what scene we both played out. His face turned red.
“Um, look. Professor.”
I raised an eyebrow at him.
“Okay. Severus.”
I was still staring at him.
“Fine. Father!”
“Better.”
“It’s just that I don’t think this whole father/son thing would work out right now. We don’t even like each other.”
“But all of that will change when we get to know each other better, Harry,” I said chidingly.
The boy choked.
“Look. Father.”
Harry sighed loudly and took on a rather pained expression.
“You win.”
“That’s all I wanted to hear you say, boy,” I answered smugly. “We’ll fill out the emancipation forms at the Ministry tomorrow, if you like.”
A true smile flashed briefly across Potter’s face. “That’d be brilliant. Thanks Professor.”
I did not smile at the Potter brat in return. It was dark and would have been pointless. If the boy perhaps thought I did, then he was surely delusional.
“My pleasure, Mr. Potter.”
“I’ll just be going back to Gryffindor then,” Harry said as he turned back toward the door.
To this day, I don’t know why I said it. This was as fake as fake could be and had turned out fairly satisfactorily, all things considered.
“Oh, and Mr. Potter?”
I saw the glint of his glasses as he turned back toward me. “Professor?”
“If I see any letters from you, I might consider responding.”
Before I disappeared from the tower, I saw the infernal boy smirk. It looked entirely too Slytherin. I had the odd feeling that perhaps I had been outmaneuvered.
A/N: I actually love reading Severitus fics. However, this is meant as a spoof and I had to try my hand at it. I think my take is probably as realistic as these things come.
Chapter Five: Harry’s Real Father! Snape (or, Will A Teacher’s Pension Cover A Permanent Room At St. Mungo’s?)
“I hate you!” the voice shouted at me.
It was Hogwarts at night. We were both standing on the Astronomy Tower. The darkness had washed everything in the tower in various shades of grey, but not enough for me to tell who exactly was doing the yelling.
Looking down, it was obvious that I was still my normal self. Still, it was also rather painfully obvious that I had leaped yet again. The best thing to do was to simply wait. Silence would serve me until I could figure out exactly why this person hated me so. It was impossible for me to withhold a snort at that point, but I couldn’t help but to do so. Considering that most people hate me, it wasn’t a very helpful statement all in all. The voice was male and likely a student, and a very belligerent student at that. It was enough to go on for the moment, I decided.
“How very unoriginal. Ten points from…”
I stopped speaking abruptly. I didn’t know the miscreant’s house. But then I hit gold as the glint of glasses and messy hair came into full view of the moon glow.
Potter! My lip curled into a sneer. I swear that it’s a natural response that simply can’t be helped at times.
“Gryffindor,” I finished saying smugly. “And detention. Oh, I’ll see you expelled from this school yet, boy.”
He spluttered indignantly. I have to say that seeing the Potter brat so discomfitted really put me over the moon. I smirked.
“See! This is exactly what I’m talking about! Finding out you’re my father is bad enough, but you just have to be so godawful about it, don’t you, you greasy git? Did you rape her? That’s all I want to know!”
Oh, no way. No way in hell. Albus chose to put in his appearance right then and began chuckling madly.
“Ooh hoo! Ah, hmm, it appears that here you are Harry’s biological father, Severus! What a wonderful opportunity to get to know the boy on a whole new level.”
“No.” I was talking to Albus. There was no way that I was going to participate in this little fake charade any further. I would not deal with pretending to be Harry Potter’s father.
I turned to Albus and looked his transparent codgerly self in the eyes. “ Albus, help me.”
Albus merely shook his head ruefully.
“Ah, Severus! You can’t move on until you connect with the people involved in the scenario in a realistic fashion. Just like before. Why is this so different?”
I gave him a look. This was Potter, of course it was different. I was very frustrated.
“Aberforth set this up so you could work through any issues. The idea was to stretch yourself. Try on new personas. You must have more issues than I did.” Albus had a smug look on his face.
I growled. Albus blinked out of sight.
Potter looked scared.
“Well, that’s a relief then. I’m glad you didn’t rape my mum. But I still can’t understand how she could have…” The boy trailed off.
I smirked again. “Had sex with me?” I supplied for him.
The boy looked green. This would prove to be a bit fun after all.
“Er.”
“Well, I suppose they have you under some sort of anti-Snape glamour, eh? To look like that pompous git, I imagine.”
Potter’s eyes widened comically. I don’t think the boy had considered it before. I live to dash his hopes, after all. It’s what I do.
“No.” He whispered. “I can’t look like you.”
“Hmm. If you say so, boy,” I said while looking him over.
He was looking pretty well horrified. I should have been offended, but I’m under no delusions as to my looks.
“I suppose you’ll want to take my name now and live happily ever after at Snape Manor?” I asked lightly.
“Snape Manor? Your name?” Potter looked so lost.
“A little place I like to call Spinner’s End. It’s been in the family for two whole generations. I’m sure you’ll love what I’ve done to the place. You’ve seen my office.”
Potter winced.
“Well, I want to make everything up to you, Harry. Especially, seeing as I’ve misjudged you and everything based on who I thought your father was. I’ll get counseling. We’ll get counseling. You, me, and Draco. We’ll all bond and get over our issues together. My godson will have to get to know his new brother.”
Potter blinked owlishly.
“Draco?”
“Malfoy. He’s my godson.”
Potter never missed a beat.
“Only if we include Remus. I told him he’d always have a place to crash as soon as I was well rid of the Dursleys.”
Oh, the boy was good. Perhaps he could have been my son after all. His look was too innocent not to be contrived.
“Yes, I’ve needed a new guinea pig for all of my new and very dangerous wolfsbane experiments. They could very easily kill him, but I know he won’t mind if it’s for a good cause. He’s very noble and self-sacrificing like that. I’ve always admired that about Gryffindors.”
“Ron was wanting to spend the summer with me for a change. The twins mentioned they’d drop by too.”
“Wouldn’t dream of being inhospitable. I could help out their business with a few brews of my own. I know how you all love trying out new products.”
Harry gulped.
“And Hermione. She wanted to come over a lot too. I’m sure she’ll love seeing all your books. Asking you questions…”
Now, I had to admit. That was almost too much. Threatening me with Granger.
I smirked. “I have just the book for your bibliophile friend.”
Harry backed away from me just a bit.
“Well, I was kind of thinking that maybe we’d just, you know, have more of a letter correspondence thing going on for the summers. I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you sir.”
I knew he’d break first.
“Nonsense! I won’t have any boy of mine not living with me and not taking on the venerable Snape name. I’ll get started on that anti-glamour potion for you right away.”
I made to move.
“No!” Potter yelled desperately. “Let’s not be so hasty, Professor. I mean, you’re busy, I’m busy. No need to rush into this whole family thing.”
“But you need a father figure, Harry.”
“Need is a bit strong of a word, don’t you think? I’ve had plenty of healthy male role models in my life.”
“Are you in denial? Harry. I am your father. Join me.” I held out my hand to him. I’d seen Star Wars once a long time ago. This was perfect.
The boy scrunched his face up and wailed. “No! You’re not my father!”
“You know it to be true.”
Potter stopped as if he’d just realized what scene we both played out. His face turned red.
“Um, look. Professor.”
I raised an eyebrow at him.
“Okay. Severus.”
I was still staring at him.
“Fine. Father!”
“Better.”
“It’s just that I don’t think this whole father/son thing would work out right now. We don’t even like each other.”
“But all of that will change when we get to know each other better, Harry,” I said chidingly.
The boy choked.
“Look. Father.”
Harry sighed loudly and took on a rather pained expression.
“You win.”
“That’s all I wanted to hear you say, boy,” I answered smugly. “We’ll fill out the emancipation forms at the Ministry tomorrow, if you like.”
A true smile flashed briefly across Potter’s face. “That’d be brilliant. Thanks Professor.”
I did not smile at the Potter brat in return. It was dark and would have been pointless. If the boy perhaps thought I did, then he was surely delusional.
“My pleasure, Mr. Potter.”
“I’ll just be going back to Gryffindor then,” Harry said as he turned back toward the door.
To this day, I don’t know why I said it. This was as fake as fake could be and had turned out fairly satisfactorily, all things considered.
“Oh, and Mr. Potter?”
I saw the glint of his glasses as he turned back toward me. “Professor?”
“If I see any letters from you, I might consider responding.”
Before I disappeared from the tower, I saw the infernal boy smirk. It looked entirely too Slytherin. I had the odd feeling that perhaps I had been outmaneuvered.
A/N: I actually love reading Severitus fics. However, this is meant as a spoof and I had to try my hand at it. I think my take is probably as realistic as these things come.