fic: Unsung Secret
Title: Unsung Secret
Pairing: Luhan/Sehun
Genre: Fluff(eh)
Rating: PG
Warning: kind of unbeta-ed
Wordcount: ~4.6k (of word vomit O.O)
A/N: Asked Mian for a prompt only to find out later that it was her birthday. So belated happy birthday~! I hope you enjoy even if it's word vomit. And I cheated my way around the prompt because like Sehun here I can't poetry to save my life. And forgive the lame title. I also can't title to save my life.
What if you make him as anxious as he makes you?
What if he stays up late at night, writing songs about you
while you’re writing poems about him?
What if his heart swells every time he sees you too?
What if he cares about you more than himself?
What if he loves you too?
✎✎✎
"Sehun, it's too early. Go away."
Sehun chuckled as Luhan wrapped himself with the sheets that Sehun had tried to tug away. "Hyung," Sehun said as Luhan turned his back to Sehun, "It's two." He only heard a groan in response.
Luhan had understandably wanted more sleep. Sehun heard from Yixing that Luhan's gig at Hongdae from the night before lasted till three in the morning. But ten hours of sleep, Sehun decided, was probably more than enough for Luhan. In another attempt to get Luhan's attention, Sehun settled on the edge of Luhan's bed. As expected, Luhan shifted to try and kick Sehun off the bed.
"Off," Luhan grumbled.
"Not until you get up," Sehun said stubbornly, putting all his weight against Luhan's extremely strong legs. He could barely stay on the bed.
Luhan gave one last push and Sehun let himself slide to the floor. But Sehun pushed himself to his feet again and sat where Luhan’s legs couldn’t reach him. He then collapsed on Luhan’s bed, stretching right next to Luhan who had managed to make a cocoon out of the sheets.
“I’m hungry, hyung,” Sehun stated.
“Go grab some ramen.”
“Hyung.”
There was a long pause, and at last, Luhan shifted to face Sehun. “What.”
“We haven’t hung out for a couple of weeks now,” Sehun said, not sure if he wanted Luhan to catch on that he had been counting. “Can’t we have lunch together?”
“It’s your fault for not having free time,” Luhan said, not budging out of his blanket-cocoon.
“I have free time now.”
Another pause and Sehun held a mental “Ha!” of triumph. Luhan sat up and threw his blanket aside, revealing a torso more toned than Sehun last remembered. But it was Luhan’s legs that made Sehun stare as Luhan stood up clad only in boxer-briefs. Years of playing football had given Luhan immaculate thighs and calves that Sehun sometimes pictured wrapping around him. Sadly, all it had ever done to him recently was kick him or nudge him out of Luhan’s way.
“What do you want to eat?” Luhan asked as he got to his desk and poured himself some water from a pitcher.
“I don’t know...” Sehun said vaguely. “Katsu? Ramen? Grill?”
Luhan drank up his water and then said, “Decide while I shower. Aren’t you inviting anyone else?”
At this, Sehun smiled to himself. He had the perfect excuses to spend this time alone with Luhan. “Jongin’s at dance practice, and isn’t Yixing-hyung helping out in his theater elective? I’d call Chanyeol hyung but he’s probably sleeping like a log right now.”
“All right, all right. I’ll just shower.”
Grabbing some clothes from his closet, and hanging a towel on his shoulder, Luhan stepped into his bathroom, leaving Sehun to wander around Luhan’s studio-type apartment. Luhan was the neat type (which was in stark contrast with Sehun’s personality). His textbooks for business school were stacked neatly on his desk. The guitar Luhan owned was on its case, leaning against the side of his closet. On the small living area across the only windows in the apartment, he had books, manga, CDs and DVDs in a cabinet beside the TV and a couch that could double as a bed for friends (like Sehun) who wanted to stay over. Sehun walked over to the couch and turned on the TV with the remote on the coffee table. He started flipping channels, but none of the mid-afternoon shows interested him, so he pulled out the magazines under Luhan’s coffee table. They were of cars, watches, football, more football, music and more football.
Bored, he turned off the TV and wandered around, settling on the swiveling chair facing Luhan’s desk where a black Moleskine rested, a pencil lying a hand’s length from it. It looked worn from use. Sehun drummed his fingers on the wood, wondering if he should open it. He knew Luhan was fiercely protective of this notebook to the point that he almost yelled at Sehun for attempting to open it. Sehun did know it contained Luhan’s songs, but songs Luhan was yet to sing in public. Luhan never told him what those songs were about. Luhan wouldn’t kill him if he took just a tiny peek, would he?
But as if sensing Sehun’s plans, Luhan stepped out from the bathroom, causing Sehun to turn the chair to look at Luhan. Sehun tried not to look guilty of his plans, but Luhan narrowed his eyes and walked directly towards Sehun. Luhan stood so close to Sehun as he picked up his Moleskine from behind Sehun.
Sehun took a sharp, surprised intake of breath at the proximity and realized his mistake. Luhan smelled fresh and immaculate, of fresh green tea soap and shaving cream.
“Did you look at it?” Luhan asked, stepping back and staring at Sehun, notebook in his hand.
“No.”
Luhan stared at Sehun longer. But they both knew Sehun was a bad liar, and worst whenever Luhan was concerned, so Luhan said again, “Let’s go? Have you decided what to eat?”
“Samgyeopsal... and soju.”
“Just samgyeopsal,” Luhan said firmly as he walked to his closet and inserted his notebook under a pile of clothes. “It’s too early for alcohol. You can’t even hold your alcohol.”
Sehun made a wry face but nodded all the same.
They walked down to the nearest grill and barbecue house in the area. “You never let me read or hear your songs,” Sehun said as they sat on the cushions before a table for four.
Luhan gave their usual order to the lady who had showed them the menu before turning his attention back to Sehun. “That’s because they’re not finished yet.”
“But you let Yixing-hyung see them,” Sehun said.
“Because he helps me compose, you silly kid,” Luhan said with a laugh. “Anyway, what have you been up to?”
“Poetry,” Sehun said. “I can’t do poetry. But I have an entire semester of poetry.”
“You can’t literature yet you took literature as your major,” Luhan remarked.
Sehun glowered.
“What kind of poetry are you on to now?” Luhan inquired, as the restaurant lady started putting charcoal on the grill in front of them, and started stoking the fire.
“Sonnets.”
At that, Luhan roared in laughter. “Are you supposed to write poems for someone now too?”
“Yes.” Sehun unabashedly fixed his gaze on Luhan, letting his eyes linger and drill holes on Luhan’s face, hoping Luhan would have an epiphany about which person Sehun would write his poems for. But Luhan just blinked at him blankly, and Sehun wanted to sigh over how hopeless his case was.
Luhan was one of his closest friends. Sehun had known Luhan more than half his life, and he had spent most of it awed by the way Luhan played football, the way Luhan sang, the way Luhan smiled, the way Luhan danced (“the way Luhan everythinged” according to Jongin) that it had been natural and inevitable for Sehun to fall in love with Luhan. But it was a slow process of falling in love or rather slow process of acknowledging the fact.
Sehun went through the annoying phase of denial, especially when he felt he hated finding out Luhan had been dating - either male or female classmates in business school - and when he missed Luhan extremely in the two years that Luhan was already in college and Sehun still in high school. Jongin and Chanyeol had pointed out signs of his infatuation to him, but Sehun had been adamant against it because he didn’t like the idea of falling for a friend, especially not Luhan-hyung who treated him like his own giant baby. But over his bouts of jealousy and extreme longing, Sehun felt his gut stir and whirl every time Luhan came near, every time Luhan pressed a hand on his thigh or tapped his chin. He caught himself staring whenever Luhan walked around shirtless, and many times he had caught his mind in a continuous chant of “He’s too beautiful.” Thus, he really had no choice but to admit to himself that he had become one of the many people caught in Luhan’s web of charms.
Sehun very much doubted that Luhan knew what he felt. It had been convenient at first, when Sehun did not yet have the confidence to tell Luhan. But now, after a few years of his self-realization, Sehun just wanted to be out with his feelings but he never saw the opportunity. He did not worry about losing Luhan’s friendship. All his years of knowing Luhan told Sehun that Luhan would remain his friend, no matter the consequences. Sehun did fear rejection, however, because he didn’t know how he would move on if Luhan did not return his feelings. He had spent so long seeing Luhan and only Luhan that he did not know how to see anyone else.
“Let’s hear some of your poems,” Luhan said.
Sehun shook his head violently.
“Why not?”
“Because they’re cheesy and they make me sound like a grade-schooler,” Sehun said truthfully. And, Sehun's head added, they're mostly about you.
✎✎✎
The last set being played by the band consisting of Yixing, Chanyeol and Luhan was a set of alternative rock love songs, perfect for a slow Tuesday night. Sehun and Jongin had picked a booth in a bar where they had a good view of the stage. Luhan looked good tonight as he stood in front of the mic as he sang while playing his guitar. He had chalked his hair red and wore a plain white tee that complemented his chest. His ripped black jeans hugged his thighs nicely.
“Sehun, have some tissue.”
Sehun turned to Jongin, who had a wad of table napkin in hand. “Huh? Why?”
“You're drooling.”
Sehun threw some nuts at Jongin.
“But seriously, stop staring,” Jongin teased. “Do you really think he doesn't know by now that you like him? He's not dumb not to notice how you stare.”
Sticking his tongue out at Jongin, Sehun turned his attention back to Luhan. Sehun and Jongin waited on their booth until the band finished the set and joined them for drinks. Luhan slipped on the couch to press his side against Sehun, an arm casually sliding on the back of the couch such that Sehun could rest against it if he leaned back. Sehun wasn’t sure if Luhan realized it but Luhan also had the habit of resting his hand on Sehun’s shoulder whenever they sat like this, and rubbing small circles on Sehun’s shoulder with his fingers. Sehun relaxed into Luhan’s hold and just let a slow, lazy warmth fill his chest every time Luhan’s hand grazed his shoulder or arm or when Luhan pressed their thighs closer together.
“Hey, that’s enough,” Luhan said, pulling a mug of beer away from Sehun, who objected and grabbed the air for his mug.
Yixing laughed. “You’re all red, Sehun. Better not push it.”
“I’m not taking you home if you get drunk,” Jongin warned.
“I’m not drunk yet, I swear,” Sehun said. He had a bit of a buzz, he knew, but he could still count properly and his vision hadn’t blurred yet.
“Who said you had to drink till you’re drunk though,” Luhan said, chugging down beer from Sehun’s mug.
Annoyed, Sehun looked around and snatched someone else’s half-filled mug.
“Hey!” Chanyeol yelled. “That’s mine.”
“Just get another.”
Five glasses of beer and a couple of skillet fries later, Sehun attempted to get up for the toilet and felt like the world had tilted. Someone had caught him and said, “That’s it, we’re going home.”
“Luhan-hyung!” Sehun exclaimed, happy to have Luhan supporting him by the waist. “No, I’m not drunk. Just tipsy.”
“That’s what all drunk people say,” Luhan grumbled. “How many people are on that table?”
Sehun furrowed his brows and followed the direction Luhan was pointing at. He counted two people that looked like Chanyeol, one Jongin, and one or... was it two Yixings? “Five!”
“Let’s go home.”
“Your home?” Sehun asked innocently.
“Yes.”
Without any objection, just feeling happy because he could be with Luhan, Sehun let Luhan guide him out of the bar. Sehun clung to Luhan throughout the entire taxi ride and trip to Luhan’s unit. He was not too drunk to collapse immediately on Luhan’s floor, but not too stable to keep himself straight, so he let Luhan help him into a shirt (he’d refused the pants) and climbed up Luhan’s bed. He heard Luhan groan, and thinking that Luhan must want the bed, Sehun pulled Luhan into bed with him too.
“Nope. I’m taking the couch.”
Sehun tried to stop Luhan from getting away but Luhan was too strong, and Sehun was too sleepy so he let Luhan slip away and for sleep to claim him. Sehun woke up in a daze later feeling warm and irritable. He squinted his eyes and saw through the curtain gaps that it was still dark outside. He felt too warm for the shirt but when he wriggled out iof it, he felt too cold. Thinking he should try and get more warmth, he climbed onto the couch where Luhan slept and nuzzled against Luhan.
✎✎✎
Sehun woke up to Luhan's face hovering above him. He sat up dizzily, his brain feeling numb and his throat parched. He dumbly looked up at Luhan as he wrapped himself with the blanket that had been hanging low on his waist, suddenly feeling conscious of Luhan's eyes on him.
“Does your head hurt?” Luhan asked.
“A little,” Sehun said.
“Drink up,” Luhan said, more or less shoving a tall glass of water towards Sehun, who was only glad to oblige, draining all the water in one swig. Luhan refilled the glass with water from the pitcher on his hand and said, “More.” The second glass of water made Sehun feel marginally better.
Ruffling Sehun's hair, Luhan gestured Sehun to scoot over on the couch as he placed the pitcher on the table. Sehun made space for Luhan, and suddenly found himself holding a plate of bacon, egg and toast that Luhan had just passed him. Luhan had also started on his own breakfast.
Idly picking on the bacon, Sehun asked cautiously, “Did I... did I do anything funny last night?” Last night's events were nearly a blank slate in Sehun's memory. He just knew he must have gotten drunk to have such a terrible headache. He had a vague feeling of sleeping beside someone but he wasn't sure if it were just a dream. But if it weren't a dream... he stared helplessly at Luhan.
“You thought there were five people on our table instead of three, does that count as funny?” Luhan asked, grinning.
“Did I do anything else?” Sehun asked.
Luhan narrowed his eyes. “Why?” he asked, picking up a piece of toast on Sehun's plate and spreading strawberry jam across it. He handed it to Sehun, who started taking small bites.
“Nothing. I just don't remember anything.”
“Don't worry, I didn't do anything to you.” Sehun eyed Luhan sharply. Luhan chuckled to himself and just said, “Eat.”
Before Sehun could implicate himself and say that he'd very much like to be sober if Luhan actually decided to do something to him, he just stuffed his mouth with the toast.
“Don't you have class today?” Luhan asked as he finished off his breakfast.
“No. My teachers in two classes today are in some kind of conference.”
Nodding, Luhan said, “I have to leave in bit. You can sleep some more here if you like. If your head still hurts - “ he paused and checked his wrist. “I think I still have time to drop by the convenience store across the street. Do you want me to get you an anti-hangover drink?”
Shaking his head and immediately regretting it, Sehun said, “Nah, I'll be fine.”
“Are you sure?” Luhan had started putting away his plate and mug.
“Yep.”
Luhan stood in front of Sehun, studying Sehun for a while, probably running through his head a list of things that Sehun might need. “There's aspirin in the emergency kit if you decide you need one. I think you still have a set of clothes left here. You know where to get the ramen - “
Sehun smiled. These small gestures of concern always touched him. But he'd long learned not to put any meaning to it. Luhan was the oldest in their group and thus acted like a big brother to everyone. He cared for everyone else the way he did for Sehun. “I'll be fine. I know my way around your apartment, hyung.”
Luhan sighed. “Right.” He disappeared into the bathroom for a bit, probably to brush his teeth, and reappeared in front of Sehun with his bag on his back. “Stay if you have to. But message me if you're leaving, okay?”
“Yes, hyung.”
“Message me if you need anything.”
“Yes, hyung. Bye, hyung. You wouldn't want to be late.”
After Luhan left, Sehun slowly finished his breakfast before sprawling back on Luhan's couch for a nap. He woke up at around noon, and decided to look for clothes he might have left in Luhan's apartment. Luckily, he found a complete set of shirt, shorts and underwear. He washed up and decided to look around when again, he spotted Luhan's Moleskine on the desk. Sehun felt like the notebook were inviting him to peek.
Sehun reached for it, but had an internal debate on whether or not to open it. He knew most of Luhan's secrets, so there really was no secret between them right? Whatever the notebook contained, Sehun probably already knew about it. Besides, they were songs. Where was the harm in seeing them? Luhan couldn't think Sehun would copy the songs, could he?
Promising himself not to drop any hint to Luhan about reading it, Sehun plopped down to the swiveling chair in front of the desk and opened the notebook.
The first few pages of the Moleskine were full of scratched out verses, incomplete songs, some annotated with chords. Some of the verses, he had heard Luhan and Yixing try to sing and complete, but apparently weren't able to. The middle pages were where the more complete songs were written. But one particular song caught Sehun's attention. It was severely marked, words were scratched out but also rewritten.
Eyes full of trust,
Look at me like I'm the only one.
Lips with a smile
Tell stories of a future I'd want
You don't know but your fleeting touches,
I want to solder my skin.
All your dreams and wishes
I desire to fulfill
There were no chords, so Sehun thought Yixing must not have seen this yet, or that Luhan must have wanted to complete it before he wanted music for it.
But the words clearly meant something to Luhan. The realization made Sehun's heart sink; Luhan was in love with someone, and Sehun did not know who it was. He had waited too long for Luhan only to have someone step ahead of him in Luhan's tracks.
✎✎✎
Hiding from Luhan was a coward's way out, Sehun knew. But it was all he could do to keep himself from asking, and to not hurt whenever he saw Luhan. After a week of Sehun evading Luhan in school and making up excuses for missing all their dinners and gigs, Jongin informed Sehun that Luhan had begun to wonder if Sehun were avoiding him. Sehun and Luhan had gone on a few weeks without seeing each other, given how busy Sehun was in university. But they rarely ever went on three days without calling each other. This time though Sehun hadn't picked up Luhan's calls for a week now that Luhan would obviously that know something was wrong.
“What is the matter?” Jongin asked over dinner of takeout rice bowls in their shared apartment. “You look like you've got a dark cloud following you around for a while now. Did you confess to Luhan-hyung? Did he reject you?”
Sehun picked his chopsticks at his braised beef as if the food offended.
“He did?” Jongin exclaimed.
“No.”
“You confessed?”
“No.”
“Then what is it?” Jongin sounded impatient by then.
“I saw his songs...” Sehun said sullenly. “And there was one that's clearly a love song. I think he means to confess to someone.”
Sehun saw Jongin watch him with suspicious, narrowed eyes. He could see the gears working in Jongin's head. “Are you sure it was a song for real feelings? I mean, not like a general song...?” Jongin asked.
Sehun took an angry mouthful of food and chewed it quickly before saying “The song felt too personal. I asked Yixing-hyung if Luhan-hyung is in love and Yixing-hyung said yes.”
“So now you're hiding from Luhan-hyung instead of asking him directly?”
Sehun glared at Jongin.
“May you succeed in hiding because I heard he's pretty worked up on why you disappeared on him all of a sudden. Ignoring him too.”
Sehun shuddered because he knew Jongin was right. If Luhan were as miffed and worried about Sehun as Jongin said, then Sehun had to expect Luhan to come charging in any time within the next few days. Luhan would demand reasons from Sehun and be at the verge of anger and concern that would make Sehun fold.
But Sehun really did not know how to face Luhan without thinking that he had been too slow to act, that someone else got to Luhan first. He did not know how to tell Luhan that he had fallen for his favorite hyung, and that he did not know how to start falling out of love for Luhan now that it was necessary. But Sehun knew it was his fault. He should have confessed a long time ago, maybe then he would have had real chance or maybe Luhan would have considered or maybe he wouldn't yet have fallen too deeply and filled his head with thoughts of spending a future with Luhan in Beijing. But he was too late now, too late to be with Luhan and too late to keep his heart from hurting less.
✎✎✎
Sehun went home the next day feeling drained and numb from a literature exam that felt like a writing marathon. Jongin wasn't home when Sehun arrived, he collapsed to bed without changing and put out one of his readings. He tried reading, but his vision kept blurring until he just gave up and submitted to sleep.
He sat up quickly when the doorbell rang. It couldn't be Jongin, Sehun thought as he slid his feet into slippers and padded towards the door, unless Jongin had forgotten their new lock code. His brain buzzed into panic when he saw who was waiting by the door on the small CCTV screen. Luhan was glaring angrily at the camera.
“Sehun, I heard you approach the door.”
Sehun took a deep breath, tried to pull himself together and finally unlocked the door.
Luhan barged in like an angry bull, causing Sehun to step back cautiously until Sehun reached the nearest chair in the dining area and dropped on it. “You didn't text. You won't answer my calls. You're deliberately avoiding me,” Luhan berated, standing in front of Sehun, dwarfing Sehun with his anger. “And all that after you read my songs. What do you have to say for yourself?”
Pursing his lips, turning his eyes away from Luhan, Sehun said nothing.
Sehun heard Luhan heave a deep sigh. He glanced at Luhan and saw the latter's anger dissipate, replaced by concern. Luhan's eyes softened and his voice was gentle when he spoke again. “What is bothering you?” When Sehun obviously refused to speak, Luhan added, “Sehun.”
“I read your songs,” Sehun said.
“I know. But is it enough reason to hide from me? I thought you were more cheeky than that.”
Sehun pressed his lips. “I also found out you're in love with someone.”
Luhan did not react right away. But Sehun spied a small smile forming on Luhan's lips, which confused him. After a short moment of silence, Luhan asked, “Did you find out who it was?”
“No.”
“Because you were too busy sulking,” Luhan pointed out. “But why did you sulk?”
Luhan's lips started to curl up at one corner, and it was then that the truth dawned on Sehun. “You know! You know I'm in love with you!” he said in a loud voice.
Luhan nodded and smiled. “Jongin told me some time ago. He hoped I would do something about it. But I thought I should just wait for you to say something.” His lips curved up in impish grin.
“What good would confessing do if you were in love with someone else anyway?” Sehun mumbled.
To Sehun's surprise, Luhan laughed. Grinning, Luhan stared at Sehun. “Yixing had more to say, but you left right away.” He leaned closer to Sehun, causing Sehun's eyes to dilate. “The song you saw, it's about you.”
Sehun hung his head. He felt like Luhan's words just went over his head. “What?” Before his brain could fully process anything, Luhan had reached out to cup his face.
“Eyes full of trust,” Luhan said, his thumb gently rubbing Sehun's eyebrows, “Lips with a smile.”
Sehun almost blanked out when Luhan started kissing him. The kiss was so slow and tender that Sehun melted into Luhan's touch. It ended too soon for Sehun though that he chased after Luhan's lips when they parted. His reaction made Luhan chuckle and rub soothing circles on his nape that Sehun thought he might have whimpered.
“I... uhm... I actually still don't understand what's going on,” Sehun admitted, his head still in a daze both from Luhan's confession and from the kiss.
Luhan kissed Sehun's forehead before pulling up a chair and sitting in front of Sehun. “Is it so hard to believe? You're probably the reason I asked my parents to let me get my MA here in Korea instead of China. That and of course I get to do what I want here, and still be with my band.”
“But if you've loved me for that long, why didn't you do anything when Jongin told you? I don't believe that you just really wanted to wait for me to confess,” Sehun asked, voicing his hurt. It pained him a little that Luhan had known all this time but had not made a move, and had somewhat made Sehun look like a fool.
Luhan sighed, and took Sehun's right hand and gripped it. “I'm going to be in Beijing after I finish my MA. I wanted to be absolutely sure of my feelings towards you before I decide to take a step. Relationships like that are very hard. I didn't want to put you through it if I were half-hearted myself.”
Sehun looked at their hands and linked their fingers. “You make it sound like it's the most difficult thing. It's just an hour's time difference and just around three hours of travel.”
“But it's going to cost quite a bit and I'm sure I will be very busy.”
“But you just have to want it very much to make it happen,” Sehun said in a low voice. “I know you. If you wanted to do something, you'll find a way. If you want this - us - then we will find a way.”
To Sehun's surprise, Luhan pulled him into a hug.
“This is why I love you,” Luhan whispered, before kissing Sehun again.
End
A/N: I actually started writing this alternating between Sehun's and Luhan's PoV, but decided it would be fun if readers didn't know all the secrets (yet). So I have unused Luhan parts. Especially that night where Sehun got drunk. *coughsalot* I'll just develop that a bit more and post a parallel fic. :D
Pairing: Luhan/Sehun
Genre: Fluff(eh)
Rating: PG
Warning: kind of unbeta-ed
Wordcount: ~4.6k (of word vomit O.O)
A/N: Asked Mian for a prompt only to find out later that it was her birthday. So belated happy birthday~! I hope you enjoy even if it's word vomit. And I cheated my way around the prompt because like Sehun here I can't poetry to save my life. And forgive the lame title. I also can't title to save my life.
What if you make him as anxious as he makes you?
What if he stays up late at night, writing songs about you
while you’re writing poems about him?
What if his heart swells every time he sees you too?
What if he cares about you more than himself?
What if he loves you too?
✎✎✎
"Sehun, it's too early. Go away."
Sehun chuckled as Luhan wrapped himself with the sheets that Sehun had tried to tug away. "Hyung," Sehun said as Luhan turned his back to Sehun, "It's two." He only heard a groan in response.
Luhan had understandably wanted more sleep. Sehun heard from Yixing that Luhan's gig at Hongdae from the night before lasted till three in the morning. But ten hours of sleep, Sehun decided, was probably more than enough for Luhan. In another attempt to get Luhan's attention, Sehun settled on the edge of Luhan's bed. As expected, Luhan shifted to try and kick Sehun off the bed.
"Off," Luhan grumbled.
"Not until you get up," Sehun said stubbornly, putting all his weight against Luhan's extremely strong legs. He could barely stay on the bed.
Luhan gave one last push and Sehun let himself slide to the floor. But Sehun pushed himself to his feet again and sat where Luhan’s legs couldn’t reach him. He then collapsed on Luhan’s bed, stretching right next to Luhan who had managed to make a cocoon out of the sheets.
“I’m hungry, hyung,” Sehun stated.
“Go grab some ramen.”
“Hyung.”
There was a long pause, and at last, Luhan shifted to face Sehun. “What.”
“We haven’t hung out for a couple of weeks now,” Sehun said, not sure if he wanted Luhan to catch on that he had been counting. “Can’t we have lunch together?”
“It’s your fault for not having free time,” Luhan said, not budging out of his blanket-cocoon.
“I have free time now.”
Another pause and Sehun held a mental “Ha!” of triumph. Luhan sat up and threw his blanket aside, revealing a torso more toned than Sehun last remembered. But it was Luhan’s legs that made Sehun stare as Luhan stood up clad only in boxer-briefs. Years of playing football had given Luhan immaculate thighs and calves that Sehun sometimes pictured wrapping around him. Sadly, all it had ever done to him recently was kick him or nudge him out of Luhan’s way.
“What do you want to eat?” Luhan asked as he got to his desk and poured himself some water from a pitcher.
“I don’t know...” Sehun said vaguely. “Katsu? Ramen? Grill?”
Luhan drank up his water and then said, “Decide while I shower. Aren’t you inviting anyone else?”
At this, Sehun smiled to himself. He had the perfect excuses to spend this time alone with Luhan. “Jongin’s at dance practice, and isn’t Yixing-hyung helping out in his theater elective? I’d call Chanyeol hyung but he’s probably sleeping like a log right now.”
“All right, all right. I’ll just shower.”
Grabbing some clothes from his closet, and hanging a towel on his shoulder, Luhan stepped into his bathroom, leaving Sehun to wander around Luhan’s studio-type apartment. Luhan was the neat type (which was in stark contrast with Sehun’s personality). His textbooks for business school were stacked neatly on his desk. The guitar Luhan owned was on its case, leaning against the side of his closet. On the small living area across the only windows in the apartment, he had books, manga, CDs and DVDs in a cabinet beside the TV and a couch that could double as a bed for friends (like Sehun) who wanted to stay over. Sehun walked over to the couch and turned on the TV with the remote on the coffee table. He started flipping channels, but none of the mid-afternoon shows interested him, so he pulled out the magazines under Luhan’s coffee table. They were of cars, watches, football, more football, music and more football.
Bored, he turned off the TV and wandered around, settling on the swiveling chair facing Luhan’s desk where a black Moleskine rested, a pencil lying a hand’s length from it. It looked worn from use. Sehun drummed his fingers on the wood, wondering if he should open it. He knew Luhan was fiercely protective of this notebook to the point that he almost yelled at Sehun for attempting to open it. Sehun did know it contained Luhan’s songs, but songs Luhan was yet to sing in public. Luhan never told him what those songs were about. Luhan wouldn’t kill him if he took just a tiny peek, would he?
But as if sensing Sehun’s plans, Luhan stepped out from the bathroom, causing Sehun to turn the chair to look at Luhan. Sehun tried not to look guilty of his plans, but Luhan narrowed his eyes and walked directly towards Sehun. Luhan stood so close to Sehun as he picked up his Moleskine from behind Sehun.
Sehun took a sharp, surprised intake of breath at the proximity and realized his mistake. Luhan smelled fresh and immaculate, of fresh green tea soap and shaving cream.
“Did you look at it?” Luhan asked, stepping back and staring at Sehun, notebook in his hand.
“No.”
Luhan stared at Sehun longer. But they both knew Sehun was a bad liar, and worst whenever Luhan was concerned, so Luhan said again, “Let’s go? Have you decided what to eat?”
“Samgyeopsal... and soju.”
“Just samgyeopsal,” Luhan said firmly as he walked to his closet and inserted his notebook under a pile of clothes. “It’s too early for alcohol. You can’t even hold your alcohol.”
Sehun made a wry face but nodded all the same.
They walked down to the nearest grill and barbecue house in the area. “You never let me read or hear your songs,” Sehun said as they sat on the cushions before a table for four.
Luhan gave their usual order to the lady who had showed them the menu before turning his attention back to Sehun. “That’s because they’re not finished yet.”
“But you let Yixing-hyung see them,” Sehun said.
“Because he helps me compose, you silly kid,” Luhan said with a laugh. “Anyway, what have you been up to?”
“Poetry,” Sehun said. “I can’t do poetry. But I have an entire semester of poetry.”
“You can’t literature yet you took literature as your major,” Luhan remarked.
Sehun glowered.
“What kind of poetry are you on to now?” Luhan inquired, as the restaurant lady started putting charcoal on the grill in front of them, and started stoking the fire.
“Sonnets.”
At that, Luhan roared in laughter. “Are you supposed to write poems for someone now too?”
“Yes.” Sehun unabashedly fixed his gaze on Luhan, letting his eyes linger and drill holes on Luhan’s face, hoping Luhan would have an epiphany about which person Sehun would write his poems for. But Luhan just blinked at him blankly, and Sehun wanted to sigh over how hopeless his case was.
Luhan was one of his closest friends. Sehun had known Luhan more than half his life, and he had spent most of it awed by the way Luhan played football, the way Luhan sang, the way Luhan smiled, the way Luhan danced (“the way Luhan everythinged” according to Jongin) that it had been natural and inevitable for Sehun to fall in love with Luhan. But it was a slow process of falling in love or rather slow process of acknowledging the fact.
Sehun went through the annoying phase of denial, especially when he felt he hated finding out Luhan had been dating - either male or female classmates in business school - and when he missed Luhan extremely in the two years that Luhan was already in college and Sehun still in high school. Jongin and Chanyeol had pointed out signs of his infatuation to him, but Sehun had been adamant against it because he didn’t like the idea of falling for a friend, especially not Luhan-hyung who treated him like his own giant baby. But over his bouts of jealousy and extreme longing, Sehun felt his gut stir and whirl every time Luhan came near, every time Luhan pressed a hand on his thigh or tapped his chin. He caught himself staring whenever Luhan walked around shirtless, and many times he had caught his mind in a continuous chant of “He’s too beautiful.” Thus, he really had no choice but to admit to himself that he had become one of the many people caught in Luhan’s web of charms.
Sehun very much doubted that Luhan knew what he felt. It had been convenient at first, when Sehun did not yet have the confidence to tell Luhan. But now, after a few years of his self-realization, Sehun just wanted to be out with his feelings but he never saw the opportunity. He did not worry about losing Luhan’s friendship. All his years of knowing Luhan told Sehun that Luhan would remain his friend, no matter the consequences. Sehun did fear rejection, however, because he didn’t know how he would move on if Luhan did not return his feelings. He had spent so long seeing Luhan and only Luhan that he did not know how to see anyone else.
“Let’s hear some of your poems,” Luhan said.
Sehun shook his head violently.
“Why not?”
“Because they’re cheesy and they make me sound like a grade-schooler,” Sehun said truthfully. And, Sehun's head added, they're mostly about you.
✎✎✎
The last set being played by the band consisting of Yixing, Chanyeol and Luhan was a set of alternative rock love songs, perfect for a slow Tuesday night. Sehun and Jongin had picked a booth in a bar where they had a good view of the stage. Luhan looked good tonight as he stood in front of the mic as he sang while playing his guitar. He had chalked his hair red and wore a plain white tee that complemented his chest. His ripped black jeans hugged his thighs nicely.
“Sehun, have some tissue.”
Sehun turned to Jongin, who had a wad of table napkin in hand. “Huh? Why?”
“You're drooling.”
Sehun threw some nuts at Jongin.
“But seriously, stop staring,” Jongin teased. “Do you really think he doesn't know by now that you like him? He's not dumb not to notice how you stare.”
Sticking his tongue out at Jongin, Sehun turned his attention back to Luhan. Sehun and Jongin waited on their booth until the band finished the set and joined them for drinks. Luhan slipped on the couch to press his side against Sehun, an arm casually sliding on the back of the couch such that Sehun could rest against it if he leaned back. Sehun wasn’t sure if Luhan realized it but Luhan also had the habit of resting his hand on Sehun’s shoulder whenever they sat like this, and rubbing small circles on Sehun’s shoulder with his fingers. Sehun relaxed into Luhan’s hold and just let a slow, lazy warmth fill his chest every time Luhan’s hand grazed his shoulder or arm or when Luhan pressed their thighs closer together.
“Hey, that’s enough,” Luhan said, pulling a mug of beer away from Sehun, who objected and grabbed the air for his mug.
Yixing laughed. “You’re all red, Sehun. Better not push it.”
“I’m not taking you home if you get drunk,” Jongin warned.
“I’m not drunk yet, I swear,” Sehun said. He had a bit of a buzz, he knew, but he could still count properly and his vision hadn’t blurred yet.
“Who said you had to drink till you’re drunk though,” Luhan said, chugging down beer from Sehun’s mug.
Annoyed, Sehun looked around and snatched someone else’s half-filled mug.
“Hey!” Chanyeol yelled. “That’s mine.”
“Just get another.”
Five glasses of beer and a couple of skillet fries later, Sehun attempted to get up for the toilet and felt like the world had tilted. Someone had caught him and said, “That’s it, we’re going home.”
“Luhan-hyung!” Sehun exclaimed, happy to have Luhan supporting him by the waist. “No, I’m not drunk. Just tipsy.”
“That’s what all drunk people say,” Luhan grumbled. “How many people are on that table?”
Sehun furrowed his brows and followed the direction Luhan was pointing at. He counted two people that looked like Chanyeol, one Jongin, and one or... was it two Yixings? “Five!”
“Let’s go home.”
“Your home?” Sehun asked innocently.
“Yes.”
Without any objection, just feeling happy because he could be with Luhan, Sehun let Luhan guide him out of the bar. Sehun clung to Luhan throughout the entire taxi ride and trip to Luhan’s unit. He was not too drunk to collapse immediately on Luhan’s floor, but not too stable to keep himself straight, so he let Luhan help him into a shirt (he’d refused the pants) and climbed up Luhan’s bed. He heard Luhan groan, and thinking that Luhan must want the bed, Sehun pulled Luhan into bed with him too.
“Nope. I’m taking the couch.”
Sehun tried to stop Luhan from getting away but Luhan was too strong, and Sehun was too sleepy so he let Luhan slip away and for sleep to claim him. Sehun woke up in a daze later feeling warm and irritable. He squinted his eyes and saw through the curtain gaps that it was still dark outside. He felt too warm for the shirt but when he wriggled out iof it, he felt too cold. Thinking he should try and get more warmth, he climbed onto the couch where Luhan slept and nuzzled against Luhan.
✎✎✎
Sehun woke up to Luhan's face hovering above him. He sat up dizzily, his brain feeling numb and his throat parched. He dumbly looked up at Luhan as he wrapped himself with the blanket that had been hanging low on his waist, suddenly feeling conscious of Luhan's eyes on him.
“Does your head hurt?” Luhan asked.
“A little,” Sehun said.
“Drink up,” Luhan said, more or less shoving a tall glass of water towards Sehun, who was only glad to oblige, draining all the water in one swig. Luhan refilled the glass with water from the pitcher on his hand and said, “More.” The second glass of water made Sehun feel marginally better.
Ruffling Sehun's hair, Luhan gestured Sehun to scoot over on the couch as he placed the pitcher on the table. Sehun made space for Luhan, and suddenly found himself holding a plate of bacon, egg and toast that Luhan had just passed him. Luhan had also started on his own breakfast.
Idly picking on the bacon, Sehun asked cautiously, “Did I... did I do anything funny last night?” Last night's events were nearly a blank slate in Sehun's memory. He just knew he must have gotten drunk to have such a terrible headache. He had a vague feeling of sleeping beside someone but he wasn't sure if it were just a dream. But if it weren't a dream... he stared helplessly at Luhan.
“You thought there were five people on our table instead of three, does that count as funny?” Luhan asked, grinning.
“Did I do anything else?” Sehun asked.
Luhan narrowed his eyes. “Why?” he asked, picking up a piece of toast on Sehun's plate and spreading strawberry jam across it. He handed it to Sehun, who started taking small bites.
“Nothing. I just don't remember anything.”
“Don't worry, I didn't do anything to you.” Sehun eyed Luhan sharply. Luhan chuckled to himself and just said, “Eat.”
Before Sehun could implicate himself and say that he'd very much like to be sober if Luhan actually decided to do something to him, he just stuffed his mouth with the toast.
“Don't you have class today?” Luhan asked as he finished off his breakfast.
“No. My teachers in two classes today are in some kind of conference.”
Nodding, Luhan said, “I have to leave in bit. You can sleep some more here if you like. If your head still hurts - “ he paused and checked his wrist. “I think I still have time to drop by the convenience store across the street. Do you want me to get you an anti-hangover drink?”
Shaking his head and immediately regretting it, Sehun said, “Nah, I'll be fine.”
“Are you sure?” Luhan had started putting away his plate and mug.
“Yep.”
Luhan stood in front of Sehun, studying Sehun for a while, probably running through his head a list of things that Sehun might need. “There's aspirin in the emergency kit if you decide you need one. I think you still have a set of clothes left here. You know where to get the ramen - “
Sehun smiled. These small gestures of concern always touched him. But he'd long learned not to put any meaning to it. Luhan was the oldest in their group and thus acted like a big brother to everyone. He cared for everyone else the way he did for Sehun. “I'll be fine. I know my way around your apartment, hyung.”
Luhan sighed. “Right.” He disappeared into the bathroom for a bit, probably to brush his teeth, and reappeared in front of Sehun with his bag on his back. “Stay if you have to. But message me if you're leaving, okay?”
“Yes, hyung.”
“Message me if you need anything.”
“Yes, hyung. Bye, hyung. You wouldn't want to be late.”
After Luhan left, Sehun slowly finished his breakfast before sprawling back on Luhan's couch for a nap. He woke up at around noon, and decided to look for clothes he might have left in Luhan's apartment. Luckily, he found a complete set of shirt, shorts and underwear. He washed up and decided to look around when again, he spotted Luhan's Moleskine on the desk. Sehun felt like the notebook were inviting him to peek.
Sehun reached for it, but had an internal debate on whether or not to open it. He knew most of Luhan's secrets, so there really was no secret between them right? Whatever the notebook contained, Sehun probably already knew about it. Besides, they were songs. Where was the harm in seeing them? Luhan couldn't think Sehun would copy the songs, could he?
Promising himself not to drop any hint to Luhan about reading it, Sehun plopped down to the swiveling chair in front of the desk and opened the notebook.
The first few pages of the Moleskine were full of scratched out verses, incomplete songs, some annotated with chords. Some of the verses, he had heard Luhan and Yixing try to sing and complete, but apparently weren't able to. The middle pages were where the more complete songs were written. But one particular song caught Sehun's attention. It was severely marked, words were scratched out but also rewritten.
Eyes full of trust,
Look at me like I'm the only one.
Lips with a smile
Tell stories of a future I'd want
You don't know but your fleeting touches,
I want to solder my skin.
All your dreams and wishes
I desire to fulfill
There were no chords, so Sehun thought Yixing must not have seen this yet, or that Luhan must have wanted to complete it before he wanted music for it.
But the words clearly meant something to Luhan. The realization made Sehun's heart sink; Luhan was in love with someone, and Sehun did not know who it was. He had waited too long for Luhan only to have someone step ahead of him in Luhan's tracks.
✎✎✎
Hiding from Luhan was a coward's way out, Sehun knew. But it was all he could do to keep himself from asking, and to not hurt whenever he saw Luhan. After a week of Sehun evading Luhan in school and making up excuses for missing all their dinners and gigs, Jongin informed Sehun that Luhan had begun to wonder if Sehun were avoiding him. Sehun and Luhan had gone on a few weeks without seeing each other, given how busy Sehun was in university. But they rarely ever went on three days without calling each other. This time though Sehun hadn't picked up Luhan's calls for a week now that Luhan would obviously that know something was wrong.
“What is the matter?” Jongin asked over dinner of takeout rice bowls in their shared apartment. “You look like you've got a dark cloud following you around for a while now. Did you confess to Luhan-hyung? Did he reject you?”
Sehun picked his chopsticks at his braised beef as if the food offended.
“He did?” Jongin exclaimed.
“No.”
“You confessed?”
“No.”
“Then what is it?” Jongin sounded impatient by then.
“I saw his songs...” Sehun said sullenly. “And there was one that's clearly a love song. I think he means to confess to someone.”
Sehun saw Jongin watch him with suspicious, narrowed eyes. He could see the gears working in Jongin's head. “Are you sure it was a song for real feelings? I mean, not like a general song...?” Jongin asked.
Sehun took an angry mouthful of food and chewed it quickly before saying “The song felt too personal. I asked Yixing-hyung if Luhan-hyung is in love and Yixing-hyung said yes.”
“So now you're hiding from Luhan-hyung instead of asking him directly?”
Sehun glared at Jongin.
“May you succeed in hiding because I heard he's pretty worked up on why you disappeared on him all of a sudden. Ignoring him too.”
Sehun shuddered because he knew Jongin was right. If Luhan were as miffed and worried about Sehun as Jongin said, then Sehun had to expect Luhan to come charging in any time within the next few days. Luhan would demand reasons from Sehun and be at the verge of anger and concern that would make Sehun fold.
But Sehun really did not know how to face Luhan without thinking that he had been too slow to act, that someone else got to Luhan first. He did not know how to tell Luhan that he had fallen for his favorite hyung, and that he did not know how to start falling out of love for Luhan now that it was necessary. But Sehun knew it was his fault. He should have confessed a long time ago, maybe then he would have had real chance or maybe Luhan would have considered or maybe he wouldn't yet have fallen too deeply and filled his head with thoughts of spending a future with Luhan in Beijing. But he was too late now, too late to be with Luhan and too late to keep his heart from hurting less.
✎✎✎
Sehun went home the next day feeling drained and numb from a literature exam that felt like a writing marathon. Jongin wasn't home when Sehun arrived, he collapsed to bed without changing and put out one of his readings. He tried reading, but his vision kept blurring until he just gave up and submitted to sleep.
He sat up quickly when the doorbell rang. It couldn't be Jongin, Sehun thought as he slid his feet into slippers and padded towards the door, unless Jongin had forgotten their new lock code. His brain buzzed into panic when he saw who was waiting by the door on the small CCTV screen. Luhan was glaring angrily at the camera.
“Sehun, I heard you approach the door.”
Sehun took a deep breath, tried to pull himself together and finally unlocked the door.
Luhan barged in like an angry bull, causing Sehun to step back cautiously until Sehun reached the nearest chair in the dining area and dropped on it. “You didn't text. You won't answer my calls. You're deliberately avoiding me,” Luhan berated, standing in front of Sehun, dwarfing Sehun with his anger. “And all that after you read my songs. What do you have to say for yourself?”
Pursing his lips, turning his eyes away from Luhan, Sehun said nothing.
Sehun heard Luhan heave a deep sigh. He glanced at Luhan and saw the latter's anger dissipate, replaced by concern. Luhan's eyes softened and his voice was gentle when he spoke again. “What is bothering you?” When Sehun obviously refused to speak, Luhan added, “Sehun.”
“I read your songs,” Sehun said.
“I know. But is it enough reason to hide from me? I thought you were more cheeky than that.”
Sehun pressed his lips. “I also found out you're in love with someone.”
Luhan did not react right away. But Sehun spied a small smile forming on Luhan's lips, which confused him. After a short moment of silence, Luhan asked, “Did you find out who it was?”
“No.”
“Because you were too busy sulking,” Luhan pointed out. “But why did you sulk?”
Luhan's lips started to curl up at one corner, and it was then that the truth dawned on Sehun. “You know! You know I'm in love with you!” he said in a loud voice.
Luhan nodded and smiled. “Jongin told me some time ago. He hoped I would do something about it. But I thought I should just wait for you to say something.” His lips curved up in impish grin.
“What good would confessing do if you were in love with someone else anyway?” Sehun mumbled.
To Sehun's surprise, Luhan laughed. Grinning, Luhan stared at Sehun. “Yixing had more to say, but you left right away.” He leaned closer to Sehun, causing Sehun's eyes to dilate. “The song you saw, it's about you.”
Sehun hung his head. He felt like Luhan's words just went over his head. “What?” Before his brain could fully process anything, Luhan had reached out to cup his face.
“Eyes full of trust,” Luhan said, his thumb gently rubbing Sehun's eyebrows, “Lips with a smile.”
Sehun almost blanked out when Luhan started kissing him. The kiss was so slow and tender that Sehun melted into Luhan's touch. It ended too soon for Sehun though that he chased after Luhan's lips when they parted. His reaction made Luhan chuckle and rub soothing circles on his nape that Sehun thought he might have whimpered.
“I... uhm... I actually still don't understand what's going on,” Sehun admitted, his head still in a daze both from Luhan's confession and from the kiss.
Luhan kissed Sehun's forehead before pulling up a chair and sitting in front of Sehun. “Is it so hard to believe? You're probably the reason I asked my parents to let me get my MA here in Korea instead of China. That and of course I get to do what I want here, and still be with my band.”
“But if you've loved me for that long, why didn't you do anything when Jongin told you? I don't believe that you just really wanted to wait for me to confess,” Sehun asked, voicing his hurt. It pained him a little that Luhan had known all this time but had not made a move, and had somewhat made Sehun look like a fool.
Luhan sighed, and took Sehun's right hand and gripped it. “I'm going to be in Beijing after I finish my MA. I wanted to be absolutely sure of my feelings towards you before I decide to take a step. Relationships like that are very hard. I didn't want to put you through it if I were half-hearted myself.”
Sehun looked at their hands and linked their fingers. “You make it sound like it's the most difficult thing. It's just an hour's time difference and just around three hours of travel.”
“But it's going to cost quite a bit and I'm sure I will be very busy.”
“But you just have to want it very much to make it happen,” Sehun said in a low voice. “I know you. If you wanted to do something, you'll find a way. If you want this - us - then we will find a way.”
To Sehun's surprise, Luhan pulled him into a hug.
“This is why I love you,” Luhan whispered, before kissing Sehun again.
End
A/N: I actually started writing this alternating between Sehun's and Luhan's PoV, but decided it would be fun if readers didn't know all the secrets (yet). So I have unused Luhan parts. Especially that night where Sehun got drunk. *coughsalot* I'll just develop that a bit more and post a parallel fic. :D