Pale Moon Rising
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Pale Moon Rising
Heh.
I'm so exhausted, that nothing written from my hand will be coherent.
And yet, I really wish I could form something.
I'm tired... but I don't want to fall into discomforted sleep, uneasy and tormented dreams that I often can't escape, even while awake. They haunt me.. the people I see, the thoughts I push away in my conscience mind.
...I want to write. I want to tell how i'm feeling. I want to explain. I want to fix things, make things better. I want to use my words.... but when placed with the opportunity, I remain still, only silence falling from my lips.
..
Perhaps, not every situation is really this difficult, but at least, one at current is.
....
...Things, have been rather discontent of late, but I'd really rather discuss other issues.
....I don't want to talk about my life right now, but I will speak of feelings, at least, small feelings.
...Halloween.
...Three days away.
I feel as if I can't wake this nightmare, as if halloween night has never existed except in the torment of mind.
...I used to love Halloween.
It's not as if it's because of where I am physically that is making this halloween so miserable... more so, i think; where I am mentally. I miss how Halloween used to be; tricker treating with friends, eating too much candy, unneeded decorations, dressing up everyday for school, going all out, going to haunted houses, buying halloween stuff, knotts, the excitement of it all, the scary movies...the spirit in general... childish things, really.
But it's always been my favorite... ever since I was a child.. and this year... it's just.... different. This could also be because of the absence of school.. but even so... it feels so different.... and I don't like it. It feels.. empty. It feels... sad... lonely. I'm stuck in a glimpse of the past... one I can't look away from, one I can't have again, one I don't even want again... but evenso, I can't look away... I'm mesmerized.
It's just been.. unsettling. Not to say it's all i've been dwelling on or that I can't go on... this is definitely not the case. It's just... depressing, that's all. It probably wouldn't even be as bad as i'm making it out to be if I didn't constantly have so much else on my mind, or if my health had been better, mentally and physically. I don't know. Just thoughts.
This halloween i'll hopefully be working, then going to a party where I won't be getting drunk, (although the idea sounds wonderful right now) and then getting on a plane to fly home to go to a wedding and then go to a real docter.
Heh.
I can't wait.
...Kill me now, won't you?
..Hmm.
I feel like I had alot more to say.
But I can't think of it right now.
My mind has gone blank.... My stomach hurts.. I need to check on the laundry.
..Happy Halloween.
Pale Moon Rising
Heh.
I'm so exhausted, that nothing written from my hand will be coherent.
And yet, I really wish I could form something.
I'm tired... but I don't want to fall into discomforted sleep, uneasy and tormented dreams that I often can't escape, even while awake. They haunt me.. the people I see, the thoughts I push away in my conscience mind.
...I want to write. I want to tell how i'm feeling. I want to explain. I want to fix things, make things better. I want to use my words.... but when placed with the opportunity, I remain still, only silence falling from my lips.
..
Perhaps, not every situation is really this difficult, but at least, one at current is.
....
...Things, have been rather discontent of late, but I'd really rather discuss other issues.
....I don't want to talk about my life right now, but I will speak of feelings, at least, small feelings.
...Halloween.
...Three days away.
I feel as if I can't wake this nightmare, as if halloween night has never existed except in the torment of mind.
...I used to love Halloween.
It's not as if it's because of where I am physically that is making this halloween so miserable... more so, i think; where I am mentally. I miss how Halloween used to be; tricker treating with friends, eating too much candy, unneeded decorations, dressing up everyday for school, going all out, going to haunted houses, buying halloween stuff, knotts, the excitement of it all, the scary movies...the spirit in general... childish things, really.
But it's always been my favorite... ever since I was a child.. and this year... it's just.... different. This could also be because of the absence of school.. but even so... it feels so different.... and I don't like it. It feels.. empty. It feels... sad... lonely. I'm stuck in a glimpse of the past... one I can't look away from, one I can't have again, one I don't even want again... but evenso, I can't look away... I'm mesmerized.
It's just been.. unsettling. Not to say it's all i've been dwelling on or that I can't go on... this is definitely not the case. It's just... depressing, that's all. It probably wouldn't even be as bad as i'm making it out to be if I didn't constantly have so much else on my mind, or if my health had been better, mentally and physically. I don't know. Just thoughts.
This halloween i'll hopefully be working, then going to a party where I won't be getting drunk, (although the idea sounds wonderful right now) and then getting on a plane to fly home to go to a wedding and then go to a real docter.
Heh.
I can't wait.
...Kill me now, won't you?
..Hmm.
I feel like I had alot more to say.
But I can't think of it right now.
My mind has gone blank.... My stomach hurts.. I need to check on the laundry.
..Happy Halloween.