what lies underneath
i always come off like this happy person,
and i am happy for the most part....and then i get these little lonely angry horrible feeling jolts... and i cry and i miss my mommy.
ive been sick forever and i just wish i had her to rub my tummy. or just to hold....or someone who could take care of me and my sickness. i always take care of myself. i hate taking care of myself. i do..i hate it.
i havent talked to my dad for three months.
i feel really shitty about that.
i miss having my family, and i say my because it was mine and no one elses.
im so broken..and in so many places.
i dont care if i read this later on and think to myself what the fuck was i thinking writing this on lj. im writing it so fuck it.
i just really want my mommy and i am being a big baby.
i am really angry with myself and angry with god. AND ANGRY WITH THE WORLD!
i hate money! I HATE MONEY SO MUCH! I HATE THIS DUI! I HATE THAT I STILL HAVENT ATTENDED CLASSES CUZ I AM LAZY! I HATE MYSELF! I hate living here...and i hate trying to make myself pretty in order for a guy to finally love me so i can filll this void inside of me. and i hate that im admitting that but i do do it....i do........
so now i've caught someones attention....and im afraid to fuck it up...and im afraid to let him see who i am inside....a broken disaster. a tragedy who wears a mask.
im always depending on the only person i can depend on...me...and im just tired...and i need to sleep and go to work tomorrow....but i just thought i'd get this out for sanity reasons.
i also am forcing myself not to go outside and pick the butts out of my ashtray because i doooo want to stop smoking.
im a wreck.
and i am happy for the most part....and then i get these little lonely angry horrible feeling jolts... and i cry and i miss my mommy.
ive been sick forever and i just wish i had her to rub my tummy. or just to hold....or someone who could take care of me and my sickness. i always take care of myself. i hate taking care of myself. i do..i hate it.
i havent talked to my dad for three months.
i feel really shitty about that.
i miss having my family, and i say my because it was mine and no one elses.
im so broken..and in so many places.
i dont care if i read this later on and think to myself what the fuck was i thinking writing this on lj. im writing it so fuck it.
i just really want my mommy and i am being a big baby.
i am really angry with myself and angry with god. AND ANGRY WITH THE WORLD!
i hate money! I HATE MONEY SO MUCH! I HATE THIS DUI! I HATE THAT I STILL HAVENT ATTENDED CLASSES CUZ I AM LAZY! I HATE MYSELF! I hate living here...and i hate trying to make myself pretty in order for a guy to finally love me so i can filll this void inside of me. and i hate that im admitting that but i do do it....i do........
so now i've caught someones attention....and im afraid to fuck it up...and im afraid to let him see who i am inside....a broken disaster. a tragedy who wears a mask.
im always depending on the only person i can depend on...me...and im just tired...and i need to sleep and go to work tomorrow....but i just thought i'd get this out for sanity reasons.
i also am forcing myself not to go outside and pick the butts out of my ashtray because i doooo want to stop smoking.
im a wreck.