im a dreamer

[sea_of_doubts]

i have been having dreams lately with you in them.
im tempted to not go to sleep.
what the hell...dreams can't hurt.
only you can.
and i dont even see you that much anymore.
you're a fleeding friend..
and then a recieving friend...
slowly a faded memory
and then a close relative..

its elliot..he just always brings up the past for me...right in my arms, the past.
the good past. the past where i thought i could dream and be safe.
i change way too much...i havent created anything for awhile..no time..no energy..i hate it.
i have someone. i'm content..but not fully satisfied. you'd satisfy me more to some extent...but we know thats a wishing well planted in my demented brain. i would love to entertain those cloudy thoughts i use to have just because i would actually like it, but i won't cuz i sound pathetic..and i make myself look like a complete dimwitted ditzy dreamstruck rag doll. i won't because im gonna do myself a favor and not waste my time on someone who won't waste it on me.
impossibility is always appealing and needed. its the fact that i know it won't ever happen that is exciting! its a spongy wall...i just like to bounce off of! weee!!!

i need to get the kid in me again.
she wants to play..
to go on an adventure...
i'm gonna find me something intricate to capture and hold onto to appreciate..
and i'll set it free into the air so everyone can breathe it.
working at a bookstore is letting ideas stew...all walks of life come in...its time to write it all down...its time to find those feelings i have...its time to put something together...its just time to stop holding off because of fear....cuz i'm afraid..not what you think...but what i think..im afraid of not getting myself across quite clear. i want to be transparent.

i need a guide.